Sorry
“I don’t do ultimatums Seven“, said Janeway with annoyance, “you will just have
to figure it out for yourself. “
Fuck thought Seven. Why did she always have to push things that one-centimeter
too far? This was all so new to her and she had no reference points to guide
her. The doctor could only be of assistance up to a point, because not even all
his databases could chart a smooth course through this dangerous territory.
Seven paced around the workstations in astrometrics not sure what to do with the
feelings rushing around her brain.
Why had she pushed Kathryn’s buttons this morning? She knew Kathryn was still
trying to balance spending time with Seven and her duties as a Captain to this
crew that needed her. She knew that Kathryn needed to spend some more time with
Tuvok and Neelix.
It was so illogical. Ever since that moment when she and Kathryn had made love
for the first time all Seven wanted was to spend every second of every day with
her. She wanted to know her every thought, her every feeling, her every want
and fill it. She wanted it all and she wanted it now. She wanted to take
Kathryn in the ready room, on the bridge, in the cargo bay, in astrometrics, in
every turbo lift and jeffries tube on Voyager and then start all over again.
She wanted Kathryn to say all the things she had never thought important before,
like I love you, like I want you, like my heart is yours. She wanted everything
and everybody else in the world to disappear and fade away. She wanted, she
wanted, she wanted so much, and Kathryn could not cope.
Shut down for so long Kathryn reacted in the only way she could – which was to
fear all the feelings this borg had made her feel. To want to give Seven
everything but at the same time afraid it would never be enough.
Seven stopped. Oh God, she exclaimed, what a fool. Suddenly she could see what
she had done to Kathryn.
“Seven to the Captain. “
“Seven it will have to wait I am in a meeting with Tuvok and Chakotay “
“Yes Captain. “
They had been in bed together, just cuddling and Janeway had wanted to read her
a poem, The Worlds Contracted Thus by John Donne. A poem about two souls
joining and the first blush of love and lust. A poem about a new lover thinking
that the whole world could now exist in their lovers bed.
Seven thought the poem did not make sense – was typically emotive and human and
had told Kathryn this. Seven would now do anything to take her words back and
to never have seen the look of hurt cross her lovers face.
And then she and Kathryn had argued and Seven threatened to leave and Kathryn
said it was entirely a matter for Sevens heart and walked out the door.
Damn thought Seven, the poem had been important to Kathryn. She had been trying
to reach out to Seven in a way she felt comfortable with – had been trying to
say those words to Seven in a cautious way. Seven had just dismissed them and
thrown them in her face and wanted reality and promises and ultimatums and
wanted Kathryn to focus on her needs. No wonder it had ended with Kathryn
leaving and Seven feeling sick to her stomach but Seven knew what to do now.
That night Seven remained in her alcove and regenerated leaving Kathryn some
time to process everything that had happened in the last few days.
That night Janeway returned to her quarters and spent the evening catching up on
things she had overlooked for days. It was only when Kathryn went to change for
bed that she saw it – resting on her pillow – a poem –
i carry your heart with me
by e. e. cummings
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)