All Human cities have their own smell some more pleasant than others. San Francisco in April is sea air and blossoming trees, dirt and new leaves, with an undertaste of reinforced steel; the cables that hold structures of the past together.  It’s been years since I’ve been here; but there are much greater distances than time.  Long stretches of silence and pain have kept me from returning, kept me from this shaded street with it’s view of the bridge.   I’m loitering in the shade across the street from her house.  It’s one of the rescued, tall narrow centuries old row houses now pierced and supported by steel sinews to protect it from the unstable ground it was built on.  It’s one of the last on the street, most lots have been converted to modern, stable, earthquake proof structures.  Seems deeply appropriate that Kathryn would live in an anachronism, for all her love of space, science and technology it’s her Traditionalist upbringing that comforts her.  The breeze frees some of my hair and it falls across my eyes, I tilt my head and try to pin it back.  There is a small platform on the roof of her house.  A Star Fleet car whirs up to it and hovers waiting.  A trim figure climbs up from within the house and hops up into the open door of the car.  Before the door closes I catch a glimpse of a smile and tumbling auburn hair.  I had not expected her to be home at 10am in the middle of the Fleet workweek.  I wonder if she saw me?  The possibility makes me much more nervous than excited.  It reminds me of the last time I was here four years ago.

           

I had nervously waited for a response to the door-page, wondering if she was watching me on the secure-screen.  Just as I was about to turn and leave the door opened; her dark grey eyes belied the welcoming smile on her face.

           

“Hello Seven.  This is a pleasant surprise.” Her voice was controlled.

 

“Captain.”

           

“Kathryn,” she smirked, “come in … and I haven’t been a Captain for a while.  Can I offer you anything?”  I followed her into her living room. 

           

“Perhaps some water.”  I had learned the finer points of polite human interaction, and her absence would give me a moment to recover from being so close to her.  The room was quite similar to her quarters on Voyager, same muted colours and functional furniture, above the mantel was one of her sister’s bright abstractly floral paintings. A few small framed pictures and holo-images stood on the mantel: Kathryn smiling with her Mother, a portrait of her favourite dog, a repeating loop holo of Phoebe painting, the crew of Voyager and a brightly happy Kathryn in the arms of a tall man with dark hair.  I felt unsteady and turned to look out the window.  I heard her walk back into the room, she said my name in her throaty voice.  I rubbed my hand across my forehead to ease the tension before turning around; convincing myself I was strong enough to face her.

           

“Are you alright.” She handed me the glass and stepped into my personal space.  Just like she always had, too close, close enough to feel the heat of her skin.  Her searching eyes kept their distance. I sipped the water and stepped back, glancing around the room, eyes inevitably returning to the picture of her and the mystery man.  She noticed.

           

“I’m fine, a little fatigued from travel, and … well… I’ve only come to apologize Kathryn. “  I looked at the picture of the crew, the only family I’ve known, and felt guilty. “You, you all deserved better than … I behaved badly, I realize many of the crew must have been concerned. I am sorry for any pain or worry my disappearance caused… Voyager was my collective, I miss it.  I know now just how much that collective meant to me.”

           

“Coming home was hard on all of us in some way Seven. I’m relieved to know you’re all right, I thought about you. Everyday.”  She was staring at the picture of the Crew, on the verge of tears for an instant, then she cleared the emotion away.

           

“I never stopped thinking of you.” My voice cracked. Her eyes flashed. I’d said too much. I put the glass down, mumbled “Sorry” and hurried for the door.

           

“Seven!” She called. The front door opened as I neared it. It was him, from the picture, they must live together. What a fool I was.

           

“Hi, uh…”  He spoke as I pushed passed him. He was irrelevant.

           

“Seven wait.”   Kathryn’s voice pleaded. I could not turn around. I ran out to the street, ran towards the darkening horizon.

           

What must she have thought of me then?  What must she think of me now?  Cowardice? Childish? Unfeeling? 

           

Star Fleet had paid for half of the R&D for ‘Darkstar’, so it was likely she would be at the award banquet tomorrow, She was one of their top ranking officers.  I wondered if she’d bring a date.

 

                                    ***********************************************

           

“Well, well Doctor Hansen, I do believe the human term for your appearance is ‘dressed to kill’.” Dr. Vormot my Ozalian colleague greeted me as we both approached the main entrance to the Presidio Memorial hall.

The gown I wore was plain, modestly scoop-necked at the front but plunging at the back. It was platinum and stayed close to my skin without feeling restrictive. The subtle slash on the right side displayed my leg up to the thigh when dancing or taking long strides. The designer I had purchased it from assured me that it highlighted all my best assets.

           

“Then I have achieved my goal of the evening, V.  You are looking decidedly humanoid tonight.”

           

“Less unsettling for the locals.” V joked.  As an Ozalian Vormot’s natural state was similar to liquid, while working together I had become accustomed to V being a swirling shimmering column which communicated best telepathically.

 

“Have your eye on someone specific or just planning on causing a riot?”

           

“I think you overestimate the ‘locals’ comfort with an ex-Borg.”

           

“Silly humans.” V quipped as we approached the security gate.  Several bored looking armed-guards turned to watch us pass. One of the women rested the butt of her phaser rifle on her hip and smirked when she caught my eye. I smirked back at her. She looked like fun, the sort of fun I used to have a lot of.  The gate was a short metal hallway full of hidden scanners that checked us for proper ID, weapons, and biological pathogens.  It was highly efficient and virtually impossible to fool, I had been on the team that invented it.

           

The entrance to the main ballroom is elegant on a grand scale.  Having been alerted by the gate of our approach the concierge greets us by name and informs us of our table assignment. Just beyond the marble archway there is a receiving line of dignitaries shaking the hands of Award recipients, an actual orchestra plays Chopin in the background. 

           

“Doesn’t this look like fun.” V says sarcastically.

           

“At least we get to sit together.” I reply.

           

The first hands we are obliged to shake are those of the financial donors and their spouses.  While accepting the praise of a charming 100-year-old lady I notice Kathryn in my peripheral vision.  There is a sudden twinge in my neck and strange gurgle in my abdomen.

           

“Sounds like someone’s ready for supper.” The Lady smiles. I smile back but don’t feel it.

           

“Perhaps we’ll have a chance to talk later?” I say moving on to the next hand, the next inane exchange of pleasantries.  I keep moving robot-like until I’m in front of her and she’s giving me her hand.  My pulse throbs, I swallow to counter my dry throat.

           

“Dr. Hansen.” She says formally. Our skin slides together. Her palm is warm, I imagine I can feel each tiny line of her skin.  The small space of our merged flesh becomes enormous with possibility.  The heat of contact burns with regret. The corners of my eyes twitch. I try to not hold my breath. She holds my hand steady. Something changes in her eyes.

           

“Admiral.” I manage as I begin to pull my hand away. She squeezes it tighter and covers it with her other hand.  Pulling me closer, for a moment I’m very afraid she will try to hug me and that would be too much. She cradles my hand against her chest and looks up directly into my eyes.

           

“It’s so good to see you. We really must make a point of seeing each other more often.” She speaks in her official voice but her face shows her sincerity. Then barely audible as our hands part she says, “Seven.”  My eyes cannot leave hers, her beautiful inscrutable eyes. She smiles a spare plastic smile and looks to the next person grabbing her hand.

 

I am falling off a high cliff; she can’t see, she doesn’t know, Me.  Her heartbeat used to increase, pupils dilate, nostrils would flare ever so slightly when we were together.  Now there is no discernable response to me only words and empty gestures.  The disconnect is like the singular silence of separation from the Collective.  Forgotten loneliness surges through me. 

 

V keeps glancing at me incredulous as I manage to shake hands with the next Admiral and continue down the line: the Federation Security Council, the Government officials and off-world dignitaries, then finally I follow V to our seats.

 

“Hansen, you’re in deep. I never would have guessed.  Has she really no idea? Is she completely blind.”   Suddenly I’m angry with him for seeing what she can’t.

 

“I thought you only used telepathy with consent V!?” I stared hard at the table.

 

“Listen friend, I didn’t, you virtually fainted when she touched you, and that sigh … well,”

 

“Sigh? I didn’t sigh.”

 

“True it was more like a gasp. It sounded as though you’d forgotten to breathe.” I put my head in my hands and stifled a groan.  “Oh look here comes Martin and her wife.” I forced myself into my usual appearance of calm as the Head of the Darkstar development team approached our table. The petite pale skinned brunette had multiple doctorates and the sharpest mind I had ever encountered among humans. I’d had a crush on her for months when we first started working together. Gloria, her slightly taller partner, was a well regarded as a surgeon, writer and lecturer.  Most humans also found her appealing for her beautiful dark brown skin and asymmetrical afro.

 

“V, Annika, nice to see some familiar faces.” Felice Martin smiled. “We’re stuck at a table at the front with some boring Fleet people.”

 

“Surely we can sit and chat for a while.” Gloria said pulling out a chair for herself.

 

“Yes Do.” V smiled.

 

My admiration for this beautiful couple was tonight tainted with jealousy. They are so loving, so obviously at ease with each other, so deeply connected. At one point when V. held Felice’s eyes and Gloria was half turned away from her talking to me their hands reached out and found one other without either woman looking, but the contact made Gloria’s face and neck muscles subtly relax.  I felt a stinging at the back of my eyes. I coughed to hide the sob fighting up my throat.

I would never know such complete connection to the one person I most wanted.

 

Felice and Gloria stayed until all the other occupants of our table had arrived and the first speech of the evening was beginning.  I followed their progress to the front of the hall. They were seated at Kathryn’s table.              

 

I searched the other visible faces at the table searching for the man in the picture; the man I’d pushed passed in the hallway.  I couldn’t see him. 

 

Meals were served.  Speeches performed and awards for various scientific and defensive advances were presented with much fanfare.  Dr. Martin accepted on behalf the entire Darkstar team.  During her acceptance speech she asked each of us to stand while she described our individual contributions to the project. When she called out ‘Dr. Annika Hansen’ it took a moment before I stood up.  I had been lost in thought about Kathryn and V had to nudge me.

 

I could feel all their eyes on me: some surprised, some enchanted, a few still harbouring old hatred for the Borg. I looked at Felice as she praised and thanked me, only when the applause began did I scan the room and nod to politely acknowledge their response. When my eyes met Kathryn’s she seemed surprised, her eyes wide and her lips slightly parted, I held her gaze for as long as I could as I sat down.

 

When the formalities were through the orchestra once again began to play and several couples took to the dance floor, which stretched the length of the room.  Other people crossed the dance floor to the balcony to enjoy the warmth of the evening. People socializing blocked my view of Kathryn’s table.  I had the urge to run, certain I was being a fool, certain she only loved me as a member of her Voyager family.  Her obvious affection for me, the way she had singled me out for extra attention, what I had thought were signs of some thing deeper, had only been friendly concern.  My skin ached to touch her.  When we had been holding each others hand my heart had been racing, I was so obviously in love with her that even V could see it, but Kathryn could not, would not.  It did not matter, it was clear to me she would never feel what I was feeling.

           

“Hansen have you heard a word that I’ve said?”  V’s silver irises were phaser points on mine.

           

“I’m sorry. I suddenly have no desire to remain here.”

 

“Well you have to dance with me at least once, its not often I have the chance to experience the finer points of being a biped. Besides one look at you dancing in that dress and she’ll have to come to her senses.”

           

“I believe the time for that has passed.” I could not look at him or anyone.

           

“Just one dance and then you can flee.” V stood up and offered a hand.

           

“There is nothing here to flee from.” I said feeling numb.

           

“Then we’ll dance all night!” I took V’s offered hand and walked to the dance floor, the orchestra was transitioning from a rumba to a lighthearted waltz.

V was a good partner, we moved gracefully among the crowd.  I thought about the Doctor’s dance lessons aboard Voyager and how often I would fantasize about holding the Captain in my arms.   Reflexively I searched the room for her. I couldn’t see her but for a moment I imagined I heard her laugh.  Just before the waltz ended Felice and Gloria passed us dancing, there was a quick switch of partners and suddenly Gloria was taking my hand and sliding an arm around my waist.

           

“Hanson, you don’t look like you are enjoying yourself.” She said.

           

“You’re correct, I’m not.” Gloria made a sympathetic face and we continued dancing.

           

“We were seated with an old friend of yours.” Gloria caught my eyes.

           

“Is that what she called us?” I was curious as to what had been said about me.

           

“Well no, not really. She kept slipping and calling you “7” like you were still part of the Collective. Once she actually said “my 7” before she corrected herself.”  This information caused a curious flood of emotion. I attempted to look disinterested.  “She speaks very highly of you.”

           

“She inspired a great deal of dedication in her crew.”  Gloria snorted.

           

“Dedication? Every one of them threatened to resign their commissions when there was rumour she’d be court marshaled for some of her stunts in the Delta quadrant.  Starfleet needed every skilled body they had…”

           

“Her ‘stunts’ kept us all alive.” I had spoken louder than I had intended, several people around us looked slightly alarmed.

           

“No offence, Doctor Hansen, I was simply trying to express how rare it is that any leader inspires such strong devotion.”  I acknowledged Gloria’s words with a slight nod. I had located Kathryn, she was dancing several metres away with a female Starfleet officer, their faces were quite close to each other and they were talking animatedly.  Their body language betrayed a high-level of familiarity, it appeared as though they were flirting with one another! I became lightheaded at the sight. Gloria followed my gaze and made a strange noise in her throat.

“A friend of hers from Starfleet academy, apparently she’s been on DS9 for years.”

           

“They appear very close.” I tried to sound conversational while jealousy seeped from my skin.

           

“Friends from youth sometimes take us back to happier times…Hanson are you alright your skin feels awfully cold.  Gloria was right, there were goosebumps where her hand held my back.

           

“Perhaps we should move away from the balcony.” It was the height of summer; the evening breeze was warm, it was clearly an excuse to move away from Kathryn, but Gloria complied.  

           

We returned to the table and joined the conversation.  One of the Darkstar physicists was theorizing on the likelihood of Starfleet using our project for reconnaissance and intelligence rather than war.  It was a favoured item for debate and soon bored me. There was a great deal of diplomacy and interaction on the dance floor, but people were clearly splitting into their sub-groups in the dinning area.  Politicians sat with other politicians, moneyed benefactors laughed at each others jokes, the Fleet stuck with the Fleet and the Science and Tech people stayed safely ensconced in their own cliques.  V attempted to get me to dance again but the music had switched to a quick-paced jive, an ancient dance style that had recently regained a great deal of popularity.  The long expanse of parquet was filled with several species attempting to jerk around in time to the quick-tempo.  The ridiculousness would have normally made me laugh, but right now it simple reminded me of how little I had in common with other people.

 

I stood up and walked away from my coworkers without explanation.  The colours of the sunset were beginning to sizzle and I needed to get away from the strange energy in the ballroom.  The balcony was wide and profusely populated with potted trees, palms and flowers.  Each arched doorway lead to a semi-private area with a few low benches.  Standing halfway from the door to the balustrade I could see the far ends of the balcony. I wandered through these fragrant outdoor rooms until I found one unoccupied and quiet.  It was a good distance from the Orchestra and there were birds flitting around the trees. I leaned on the wide stone rail and looked down at the half wild gardens below, then up at the beautiful hues appearing in the clouds.  I had learned to appreciate the solace that nature provides and was glad to have found a peaceful spot.  

 

I wondered why I remained here? The Awards were over; I had made an appearance on the dance floor. I wanted to leave.  I wondered why I remained in my position?  I longed for the unquestioned belonging of the Collective, the unifying goal of bringing Voyager home.  The only time I’d ever felt at home was with Kathryn. In her quarters talking late into the night, or regenerating in the cargo bay with her watching over me.  The feelings her presence evoked in me, I wondered now what they meant.  As I had many times I again wondered what she was thinking then, looking at me thinking I was asleep and unaware.

 

“Ha-I don’t know what I was thinking.” Kathryn’s voice caught my ears.

 

“What ever happened with that Mark guy?” another woman’s voice.

 

“Ancient history, Cal.” They were entering the ‘room’ next to me.

 

“Painful?” I barely see them through the foliage.

 

“Not anymore, not for a long long time.” A glimpse of her profile framed by leaves and flowers

 

“But I heard you got married?”

 

“Yup.” I stopped breathing

 

“So who’s the lucky guy?” The brunette moved close to Kathryn’s side.

 

“His name was Grant.”  The man from the photo! Her Husband! How could I get out of here without her seeing me?

 

“Was? What happened?

 

“We decided to not renew the contract.”

 

“Oh.”  I could breathe again. They were both quiet for a few minutes. The woman put her arm around Kathryn’s shoulder and slid her hand up and down her arm.  “want to talk about it?

 

“Not especially, Cal.” Kathryn sighed and looked out at the sunset.  “It’s beautiful out here.” She lean her hands on the stone rail.

 

“It sure is.” The woman Kathyrn called Cal was not looking at the sunset she was only looking at Kathryn.

 

“Cal …” Kathryn turned so I couldn’t see her profile. What was going on between them? Had they been together? Anger and jealously rage through me but I can not move, can barely breath.

 

“You’re single, I’m single. It worked before couldn’t it work again?” I was bewildered by this new information, crushed and hopeful all at the same time.

Incredibly Kathryn allowed Cal to pull her into her arms.  She smirked at her.

My insides reeled.  Kathryn wrapped one arm around her, her other hand traced the line of Cal’s chin and cheekbone before brushing over her lips.  Cal sighed with arousal.  Kathryn pulled back.  Cal was surprised and confused.

          

 “I’m sorry Cal, I can’t.” Kathyrn’s voice was deep with emotion.

          

“But…”

           

“I just can’t.” Cal crossed her arms over her chest and stared hard at Kathryn.  Kathryn put her hands on her hips, a posture that normally meant she was preparing for either a debate or a battle.

           

“There’s someone else… You’re in love with some one else… No, no you can’t pretend with me Katy Janeway, I’ve known you too long.” Kathryn walked away from her and turned around. I tried to stay hidden behind the overgrown plants.

           

“Alright.” Was all Kathryn said.

           

“That’s all I get? ‘Alright’! Who is it? How long? Are they in love with you?

Something in Kathryn’s posture changed, Cal noticed it too.  “They don’t know?”

           

“It’s complicated.” Kathryn’s voice was a slap.  Cal leaned her head back and regarded Kathryn for several long moments before shaking her head and smiling a sad smile.

           

“Everything is always complicated with you Janeway.”

           

“I’m sorry.”  I had never seen such blatant sadness on Kathryn’s face.

           

“It’s Ok.” Cal pulled her into a heartfelt hug; “it’s for the best.”

While the two old friends eyes were closed I quickly moved away from them and slipped back into the ballroom.  Most of the Darkstar team was exactly where I had left them, with the addition of several more empty wineglasses on the tables. V was sitting back watching them like a primatologist with a favoured group of apes.

           

“Hanson you’re back, we all thought you’d run off with some sexy uniform.” The joke fell flat and most of the group went back to talking.

           

“I am leaving now, would you like to accompany me back to the transport?” 

 

“Certainly.” V retrieved a jacket from the chair-back and draped it over my shoulders. We said goodnight to our co-workers. Gloria and Felice who were just leaving the dance floor and stopped us.  Kathryn and Cal came in from the balcony.  Before V and I had managed to say our good-byes, the two Starfleet officers had joined us.  Kathryn reached out and touched my arm. I flinched a little.

 

“Sev-Dr. Hanson, I … I hope you’re not leaving so early.  We haven’t had the chance to catch up.” Kathryn’s eyes were uncertain even as her voice was calm. It was a confusing combination.   

           

“Perhaps some other time, Cap-Admiral. This evening has become rather complicated.” I glanced at her companion who was looking from me to Kathryn and back again with a strange look on her face.

           

“I …” Kathryn started to say something but I could not remain in her presence, knowing she loved someone else, it was too painful.

           

“I am very sorry. I must leave now.”  I strode away quickly fighting off tears and feeling ridiculous.  I did not look back.  V caught up to me several minutes later as I was exiting the security gate.

           

“Hanson! Hanson hold on!” V sped up to me on liquid legs.  I walked slightly slower. “You have to go back in there Hanson!” I had to keep walking.

           

“I can not!” my voice cracked.  I wanted to be out of earshot of the guards.

           

“If you could have seen her after you left. She was crushed Hanson.  She might not realize it yet, Hanson, but she loves you.”

           

“She will never love me as I love her.” I stopped walking and turned to face him full of anger. A sob burst up from my throat.

           

“Hanson … Hanson.” His hands held my upper arms as I started to cry.  I leaned into him for support overcome with pain.

           

“It hurts too much to be around her V.” I felt small, insignificant, and useless.  I wished I could stop crying on my friends’ shoulder but somehow I could not.  After many minutes of stifled sobs I was starting to regain my composure.

           

“Hanson you must tell her how you feel.” I shook my head vehemently. “You must or you will never evolve beyond this point.”   

           

“I do not care.” I pushed away from him and rubbed the wetness from my eyes.

           

“I care.” Her voice said quietly behind me. I froze. I could not look at her.  I covered my face with my hands and stifled another sob.  She was so close I could hear her breathing. “I’m sorry Seven, so very sorry.  I’ve loved you since Voyager. I never imagined … you could love me.”  Her voice cracked and I knew she was crying.  I dropped my hands and turned to her. She was hugging herself, looking small and fragile, tears streamed down her cheeks.  Her eyes were the most brilliant blue I had ever seen. 

           

“You love me?” I whispered stepping close to her. She nodded.

           

“Yes.” She said quietly looking up into my eyes.

           

“As I love you?” She nodded again and wiped at her eyes.

           

 “And as soon as I can stop these damned tears…”

 

I kissed her, and regardless of tears, she most insistently kissed me back.

 

 

Lyrics as sung by: Michael Buble [www.michaelbuble.com]

 

You give your hand to me

Then you say hello

I can hardly speak

My heart is beating so

And anyone can tell

You think you know me well

But you don't know me

 

No, you don't know the one

Who dreams of you at night

And longs to kiss your lips

And longs to hold you tight

Oh I'm just a friend

That's all I've ever been

'Cause you don't know me

 

I never knew

The art of making love

Though my heart aches

With love for you

Afraid and shy

I've let my chance to go by

The chance that you might

Love me, too

 

You give your hand to me

And then you say good-bye

I watch you walk away

Beside the lucky guy

You'll never never know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me

 

You give your hand to me, baby

Then you say good-bye

I watch you walk away

Beside the lucky guy

No, no, you'll never ever know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me