Reaching Out Part 01
The rain was coming down in sheets that day in San Francisco and
Admiral Kathryn Janeway watched it with passionless disinterest, but was
unable to look at anything else. She didn't know how long she had been
staring out that window but she felt locked in the rain's possession.
She reached out blindly to one of the framed pictures on her desk,
knowing exactly the location of the one she wanted. She didn't look at
it, just set it genty in her lap, occasionally brushing it with her
fingertips.
Everything seemed to happen so fast, and as the days passed she
found her consciousness skirting back to those days on Voyager as if
only a few scant heartbeats separated time and space. And the more time
passed, the more angry she got at it for doing so, for separating her
further still from Seven of Nine.
Seven had not returned with Voyager to the Alpha quadrant.
If she closed her eyes she could hear the calm tones of her voice
haunting her, driving her mad. Sometimes she almost expected to turn
around and find her in the room.
When they had first returned the attention had been overwhelming and
for a moment she could forget, but as her life took on a normal routine
she found herself stuck in time, unable to move back or forward. A haze
enveloped her, like the ones that drifted into the harbor, blocking out
the sun.
She had acted foolishly, became so lost in the role of Captain, that
she stumbled past the one thing that would've made her happy, too busy
looking at the cracks in the sidewalk to see the magnificence above that
was shining down on her.
And now it was gone and there was no getting it back.
The water was streaming down the window now, distorting the outside
world.
She had never told her she loved her, although she did now, every day, hoping that somehow she would know, wherever she was, would hear it drifting on the wind. Starfleet had given her a desk job, something out of the way, and they seemed intent on keeping her there. She knew people talked, talked about her distraction, how she stared off into nothingness for hours like she was doing now.
There would be no counselling for her, couldn't be. They wouldn't
understand, it'd be like trying to describe a starry night or a rose to
someone who had never seen one.
She found herself wanting to gravitate towards people who had known
Seven, people she could share stories with, remember with. To everyone
else she kept the hurt locked up tight in her heart where it rampaged,
stealing the life from her, taking the light from her eyes.
B'Elanna was her main confidant, recently they had begun speaking
almost every day. She never told her directly about the source of her
agony, just talked about Seven, and B'Elanna, being a good friend, never
questioned it.
The former engineer of Voyager had her own burden to carry. Tom
Paris had been denied a commission with Starfleet and had disappeared
from her life, no one knew where he was. For a moment Janeway could
imagine him walking on some foggy European street, ducking into a pub
for a drink.
Maybe there was some street somewhere where a person could walk and
find all the people they've lost strolling down the sidewalk and greet
them like no time had passed, a casual everyday hello and a smile.
"You wished to see me, Captain?"
Kathryn turned towards the voice, only to find the office still
empty. She wasn't sure if she'd ever stop hearing it.
She looked at the picture in her lap, but only could take it for a
moment before she turned it upside down and set t on the desk. With
that action it all came roaring to the forefront and the tears began to
flow, sobs seizing her throat.
When her door chimed she never heard it until a voice prompted her
attention.
"It's B'Elanna, I thought I'd drop by. Are you gonna let me in?"
Kathryn opened the door, turning back to the window, hoping to
compose herself.
B'Elanna came in to see Janeway staring out at the rain, a picture
turned over on her desk. She seemed frozen, never turning to
acknowledge her entrance. The engineer approached the desk and turned
over the picture. Seven of Nine.
She found herself looking at the picture for a long moment, feeling
her own sense of loss coursing through her, then turned it back over.
"I'm sorry, Kathryn."
A wrenching sob slipped from her grasp and froze B'Elanna in her
tracks. The full impact of her former Captain's pain practically
knocked the wind out of her. She knelt down by her chair and forced her
to turn around. Gently, she took her hand in her own.
"I hear her voice, B'Elanna, all the time. Sometimes, when I wake
up I reach out for her."
"You're going to get through this, you're going to be alright."
"No-"
"Yes, maybe not today or tomorrow but someday...someday tomorrow
won't seem so hard. Come on, let's get out of here."
Janeway stood, not bothering to wipe away her tears, and headed for the door with B'Elanna following behind. As she passed the desk she watched her captain leave the room before she turned over the picture and set it back up on the desk.