The Story
I hold her lifeless body in my arms. Without her spirit, it is nothing more than a mere shell. I realize that without her I am too, but a mere shell.
For I loved her, still love her, will always love her. I am here because of her and I do not wish to be here without her.
I tried to tell her, so many times.
The first time was after one of our Velocity matches. We had just barely escaped being assimilated by the Borg, again, at the hands of an alien by the name of Arturis who blamed us for his people being assimilated. Arturis had led us to believe we were going 'home', the Alpha Quadrant. I had realized that meant Kathryn and I would be broken up, Starfleet would not accept me, I would probably be interrogated until my death. Kathryn would be sent away on a new mission and I would never see her again. I told her I did not want to go. We had argued about it, not at all what I had intended.
After the game, Kathryn invited me for a drink in her quarters. Naturally, I did not require liquid supplements at the time, but I knew it would be a perfect opportunity for me to tell her how I felt. I excepted a glass of ice water and seated myself on her couch. She always liked me to sit down.
"Captain, may I call you Kathryn?"
She looked at me, surprised, and smiled.
"Of course. Anytime we're not on duty."
"Very well," I answered. "Kathryn, I wish to tell you something."
"Go ahead, Seven, you know you can always talk to me."
"I love you," I said simply. Humans always use far too many words to express themselves.
She dropped her beverage on the floor. "Seven, I... What do you mean?"
"I mean that I love you. I have examined the concept after I started feeling things I did not understand, every time you were in my proximity. You make my heart beat faster. You make me unsure of myself. You make me want to be with you every second of the day. You make me want to touch you in illogical ways. I love you."
Kathryn was staring at me with her mouth open. Fear creeping over her face. Not fear of my love for her, but fear of her feelings for me. For I knew she reciprocated my feelings, it was quite obvious. I just did not realize she would not give in to her feelings for me. Too late, I understood.
"Seven," she said after slightly composing herself, "I'm sorry."
Sorry?
"Elaborate."
"I can't feel the same, I mean I don't, I mean, we can't," she sighed and started over. "Seven, we cannot be romantically involved. It's just not possible."
"State your reasons," I responded, fear creeping over me as well, fear of rejection.
"I'm a starfleet captain, far away from home. I can't get involved with a crewmember, let alone a Borg crewmember. It would cloud my judgement. Besides which, you are, I mean I prefer male lovers." she said uncertainly.
Why was she lying to herself?
"Seven, you have just started to learn how to be human again. In many ways, I have been your guide, your teacher."
Yes Kathryn, you have. And for that I will be eternally grateful.
"It is not uncommon for 'students' to envelop a crush on their teachers," she continued. "But you shouldn't take these feelings too seriously, Seven. They will pass and in time, when you are ready, you will find someone that is truly right for you."
I was growing increasingly angry. First she tried to deny her own feelings and now she was belittling mine.
"My feelings for you will not 'pass'," I snapped, realizing too late that this was turning into yet another fight. "Kathryn, you are not making sense. I can tell by your body language that you love me, too."
"I do, Seven, but as a friend, not as a potential mate."
"You are lying!" It was getting difficult to stop my eyes from watering. I had to leave.
I heard her calling after me as I left her quarters, but was unable to respond. I needed time to take in this new information. And re-evaluate my course of action.
A couple of months after that, the Borg contacted me and forced me to rejoin them. I had to give in, in order to save Voyager, save Kathryn, I had to betray her.
"Seven, I am not leaving without you!" she screamed.
"Then you will be assimilated" I responded with my voice, but my eyes begged her not to give up on me. "I'm not doing this out of my own choice Kathryn, you know I would never leave by choice..."
She left and my heart broke. But she came back for me and rescued me, once again, from the Borg. I was so grateful to her, but I also misinterpreted her rescue mission as an admission to her feelings for me. It was not. She was still as adamant against it as she had been before.
"Kathryn, why did you come back for me?" I asked her when we were alone in my alcove in Cargo Bay 2.
"I could not leave you behind. You are a valued member of this crew. I would have done the same for any other." She answered.
I looked straight into her eyes and asked "Would you have?"
She lowered her gaze, not able to look in my eyes when she admitted "No."
I grabbed her shoulders, "Kathryn, you must love me! We belong together!"
"No!" she grabbed my wrists and forced my arms down "It is impossible. Please understand. We cannot have a romantic relationship. Do you hear me, Seven? Not ever."
What was she so afraid of?
I would not hurt her, would not let her jeopardize other members of the crew for our well being. I would only love her and care for her.
I tried to tell her so many times...
But as always she was hiding behind her command mask. Hiding behind Starfleet Protocol. Too afraid to let herself become vulnerable. She was always too afraid.
Once, only once, had I been able to break through her defenses, ever so
shortly, ever so sweet. The Doctor was going through a mental feedback loop
after inadvertently killing a member of our crew. Kathryn had wanted to help him
by deleting the event from his memory engrams, but to me that was unacceptable.
To me, he was as sentient as any member of the crew and no other being would be
treated in this way. I had little trouble convincing Kathryn of that and she had
agreed to let the Doctor deal with the situation himself. She had stayed with
him during most of his struggle.
She was tired when she finally went back to her quarters and found me in there,
waiting for her.
"Seven?" her tired voice croaked. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to thank you, Kathryn, for listening."
She looked up at me, those pale blue eyes prying into me. I took a step toward her and carefully kissed her on the mouth. She had been too tired to keep up her defenses, slowly moving into an embrace and answering my kiss.
That was the most precious moment of my life. Time stood still, nothing mattered. There was only us. Close together.
Until she found the strength to push me away once more.
"Seven, we've been over this. It cannot happen. Please, don't make things so difficult for me."
Never mind how difficult things were for me, of course. In my constant state of aching over her. Sometimes I wanted to slap her in the face for her selfishness. But I forgave her nonetheless, each and every time, for love is blind. And apparently indifferent to pain.
"I will never give up on you, Kathryn. Not ever."
And I had left her quarters. Wondering if I should have stayed. Taking advantage of her weaknesses, her vulnerabilities. I would have succeeded that time. But would she have forgiven me?
And here she was, dying, and her last words to me were "I'm sorry."
Sorry for what could have been, but never was, Kathryn?
Sorry for hurting me, Kathryn?
Sorry for leaving me like this, Kathryn?
Sorry for being so goddamn stupid?
I feel the doctor's hand on my shoulder.
"She's gone, Seven"
His words only coming in slowly, now that the nanoprobes in my body have begun their self destruct sequence.
I too, am sorry.