Deeper emotions

Special thanks go to my beta readers; Jayne, Julie and Gip. You’re great!

The previous few days were marked by a shocking and sad event. 

 

Commander Chakotay was dead. 

His burial was the most dignified and moving event that Seven had ever attended.  Crew morale was at an all time low and Captain Janeway had left immediately after the sombre occasion. The Captain had remained in her quarters for four days without a word to anyone in the crew. 

Seven had wanted to go to her.  The borg’s feelings were very mixed, she knew how upset the Captain was and had wanted to...she wasn't exactly sure what she wanted to achieve, but she did want to be with Janeway.  Seven was also sad because so many of the crew were badly  affected by his death; B'lanna was inconsolable and a lot of the ex Maquis were angry.  Without their leader they were inefficient and lost.  Seven related these feelings to when she had been severed from the collective hive mind. 

Seven's main concern now was how to gain access to Janeway; she wanted to help the Captain; she knew that the crew needed her and so did she.  It was not a simple task as Janeway had refused any contact, the ‘do not disturb’ was activated on her door and it was also sealed.  Seven decided to undertake some sort of action; she thought first to inform the acting First Officer, Commander Tuvok, who was also concerned with the lack of morale and the distress of his friend.  His response was typically Vulcan,

"I cannot condone your plan of action, however you must weigh up what does the greater good.  Whether disobeying an order to help a friend is better than to leave that friend needing help."

"I understand, Commander."

“Seven?”

“Yes Commander?”                                 

“You must make sure you fully understand the consequences of any action you take.” He looked into her eyes with as much emotion as a Vulcan could show “I hope you make a wise decision.”

With that the conversation had finished.  B’lanna had booked off some personal time and Engineering was left under the watchful eye of Carey.  As with all ex Maquis on the ship, there were only a few actually able to work well.  Seven of Nine had made herself available in all the departments and worked wherever she was needed.  She was due to regenerate; she had only a few hours before she would work on her plan.  She had to keep herself busy in the absence of the Captain. Breaking the Captain's Code would be the easiest part of her scheme. Recalling some memories of the time when Captain Picard was assimilated, she knew what she would do.  She stepped into her alcove.

 08:00

She began to implement her plan, the Captain still had not returned to duty and people were getting anxious.  Using her Borg ingenuity to tie into the computer in main Engineering - being grateful that B’lanna was not around - she began to sequence the chain of events.  Since the Commander knew what she was about to do there seemed little point in trying to cover her tracks.  However, she decided it would be more prudent to keep it from the rest of the crew.  For what she was about to do was in serious breach of Starfleet protocol.  With a final check she touched the screen and beamed herself directly into the Captain’s quarters.

The quarters were quiet and dark.  The windows were covered up but there was a slight illumination.  Janeway was not in her lounge, the Borg moved stealthily around the room.  The room smelt musty as if no one had been there in days.  She heard a whimper come from another room that was slightly to the left of the bathroom.  Seven froze.  Now that she was there, she realised just what a situation she had placed herself in.  Collecting her thoughts, she proceeded towards the door from where the sound had come from.  Fear rose in her and she quashed it, she would analyse the feeling later. Seven took another step closer when suddenly Janeway appeared in the doorway.  She was still in her dress uniform and it was badly crumpled.  Her hair was a mess.  She looked as if she had been battling demons.  Her eyes were haggard and red, and she was crying.  She looked up.

“Seven!” she rasped.

“Captain, you are not well.”  Seven was shocked at the Captain’s appearance.

“What are you doing in here?” she demanded turning away from the Borg.

“I have come to check you are all right. Obviously you are not.”  Seven responded quietly. She waited with what felt like anxiety for the Captain to speak.

“You have no right to come in here.  No right at all.  I want you to leave now.”  Janeway ended by raising her voice, which was something that Seven had never heard before.

“I will not.” Seven stated firmly.  She knew that now she had come this far she had to go through with her intention, which was to leave the room with the Captain or not at all.

“I will have you thrown in the brig for this.”  Janeway’s eyes flashed at her angrily.

“At least then you will be talking to your crew.” She countered.

“Seven, I am only going to say this once.  Get out!”

“I will not leave unless you are coming with me.”  At that the Captain turned to her again.  Her eyes blazed and then as Seven braced herself for more harsh words, Janeway broke down. 

This was worse for Seven as now the Captain seemed inconsolable.  She did not know what the correct procedure for tears was.  She had once hugged Naomi Wildman when she had fallen down and hurt her knee, but she hadn’t been very comfortable with it at the time.  Now the Captain was crying and that upset her a lot.

“Captain, do not cry… please.”  It seemed that the ‘please’ was enough to at least stem the flow.  Waiting patiently for the tears to go Seven told her,  “I will stay with you until you are feeling better.  Have you had anything nutritional?”

“I..”

“I believe you have not” Seven interrupted her and then after scrutinising her for a minute stated.  “I will fetch you something to drink.”  She went to the replicator and ordered a strong black coffee for the Captain and water for herself.  Janeway had finally left the door entrance and sat down at the dining table.

“Since you insist on staying, I’d better sit down.” She said.  Seven noted that she looked weak and requested some sugar to put into the coffee.

“Captain, I do not know what to do.”

“You seem to be arguing with me just fine Seven.”

Seven was unsure whether the Captain was still angry. “How are you feeling?” She sat down opposite Janeway.

“So so.  I feel very sad,” she took her coffee out of Seven’s hands,  “and very much alone.” 

Seven was touched by the anguish Janeway’s voice.  She remembered a conversation a week before when she had said a similar thing to the Captain about being alone.  She replied.  “You are not alone.  We are your family and we care about you.”

 The Captain laughed without humour. “Seven, you are using my own platitudes against me.  I am grateful for your concern but I feel that I want to be alone.”  She blinked back her tears.

“You only wish to be alone so that you can feel sorry for yourself.”

Her borg directness seemingly stung the Captain.  Janeway glared at Seven. “I do not feel sorry for myself.”  And in a low voice continued: “It may be better if you leave now.”

“I do not believe that you want me to leave.  I think that you need to be with someone.” Seven pushed on in an attempt to get through to her.

“What makes you so sure?” Janeway challenged.

“I do not know” Seven replied startled. “It is just something I feel.”

“I think you ought to go now because I don’t want you here.”  Janeway got up and moved toward the door.  “I want to be on my own, I need to be on my own.  It would be better all round if I were not here.  It should have been me not Chakotay.”  These last words brought more tears and then she said tiredly:  “I miss him Seven.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.” She turned to face Seven.

“I know.” came the Borg’s quiet voice.  She took in the tired lines around her Captain’s face.

“I wish things were different.  I wish we weren’t stranded in the Delta Quadrant. If I hadn’t made the decision to destroy the array, we would all be home safe and Chakotay would be alive.” 

“You do not know that, you would all be in a war with Cardassia and the Dominion.  I would still be in the collective.”  Seven looked away, it hurt her to think about life without Captain Janeway and she did not want to think what life would have been like if she had never met her. 

Janeway’s eyes glistened with fresh tears and said in earnest. “I don’t regret rescuing you. I just don’t feel that I made the right decision.”

“If you had not, then you would have arrested Commander Chakotay and he would have been in prison.”  Seven pushed on determined to make the Captain see sense.

“He would have been alive!” She said her lip trembling.

Seven instinctively got up and put her arm around the Captain’s shoulders.  Janeway turned her head into Seven’s neck.  The borg held her until the crying had subsided again, feeling a damp patch where the tears had made her wet.  Janeway put her arms around Seven and clung to her and the taller woman carefully picked her up and carried her over to the couch.  She put her down gently and sat beside her.

“Captain” Seven’s voice was tender  “I do not think the Commander’s death was your fault.  You should not think it either.”  Seven looked deeply in the Captain’s eyes.  The bleak greyness was full of sorrow.

“I can’t help it, there are things I could and should have done better.” She whispered.

“That line of thought is futile.  It does not benefit you to think that way.  You must see this.” Seven released her hold on the Captain and stood up.   She felt that she had to put a little distance between them as it was hard to function when all she wanted to do was kiss her.

Watching her Janeway asked “How are the crew?”

“Acting First Officer Tuvok is in command.” Seven answered taking it as a good sign that the Captain had finally asked about the crew.

“And B’lanna?” she prompted

“B’lanna has booked some personal time off to grieve.  She is handling herself in true Klingon fashion.  The rest of the crew are listless and troubled; they need their Captain.”

“You think I should take command again and pretend it hasn’t happened?”  The Captain asked in a bitter voice.

“I think you should do what you believe is right.  You once told me that I had to embrace my humanity, I am returning the favour.”

Janeway laughed wryly.  “You have me there.  I do not feel able to take up command at the moment.”  In a quieter voice she said “I’m not ready.”

“Perhaps you should at least contact the crew?” Seven pressed lightly.

“I will contact my crew.  Will that be enough for you?”  She asked bemused

“It is a start,” Seven replied.

“Thank you, Seven.” Janeway said this sincerely and the borg smiled.

“You are welcome, Captain”

“I will contact Tuvok this afternoon but before then I would like to rest.  You’re welcome to stay but I want to go and lie down.”  Janeway now seemed more positive than before and smiled at Seven.  At least now she appeared to want Seven to stay.

“I will be right here when you wake up Captain.”  The borg replied looking at her.

Janeway sighed  “Of course. I would expect no less.”  The Captain got off the couch and went over to the bedroom door.  “Seven?”

“Yes Captain?”

“You have been a good friend and I know that I have to thank Tuvok as well.  After all, you wouldn’t have been able to get or stay in here without him knowing.”

Janeway disappeared and Seven decided to 'settle herself' onto the couch.  She picked up a padd that lay nearby and began to do some work.

Seven awoke suddenly aware of Janeway leaning over her.  This had been the first time she had slept and she was a little disorientated.

“Are you ok?” Captain Janeway asked.

“I’m unaccustomed to sleeping.”

“You have been asleep for a little while, I have been watching you.” Janeway’s expression was unreadable.

Seven felt herself tense, she knew that Janeway had watched her while she regenerated but that was different to sleeping.  You were more conscious whilst regenerating although not totally.  Sleeping left you feeling more vulnerable.

“You look very young when you sleep” Janeway observed.  Seven just looked at her.

“How are you feeling, Captain?”

“Well since you’ve been asleep I’ve contacted Tuvok to let him know I am all right and I have also replicated something for us both to eat.”

Seven was quiet.  She had slept through everything that the Captain had done and was astounded.  Seven checked the time and was amazed to find she had been there for 3.2 hours. 

Seeing the look on her face, Janeway smiled. “You mustn’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.  By the way I have told Tuvok that you will be staying with me as well.”  Janeway moved away to set the table.  Seven felt warm at the thought of staying with the Captain.  She watched her as Janeway prepared the table for their meal.

“Captain..”

Janeway cut her off.  “While you stay with me, you can call me Kathryn since we’re not on duty and we’re in my quarters.  I get tired of being called Captain all the time.”

“Kathryn” she said trying out the name.  Seven felt there was some significance to being granted the privilege to call her Kathryn but could not establish what it was.  Instead she asked,  “What will I do whilst I am here?”

“You will keep me company and cheer me up, generally being the good friend you are.”

Seven did not know what to say, her heart was caught in her throat although she knew that this was impossible.  The feelings that were flooding through her must have shown on her face as Kathryn said.

“You have broken a very important Starfleet rule by breaking into my quarters.  I know that not many would actually have dared to do it, Seven, but you did.  That makes you a good friend with good intentions. It makes me feel better to know that you care.”

Seven flushed at the comment and her stomach did a flip.  She looked into Kathryn’s eyes and saw warmth.

“Come on over and have some lunch with me.” Janeway invited.

Seven got up and went over to the table without breaking eye contact.  Then her eyes focused on the nutritional supplements in front of her.

"Chicken soup and a hamburger. I used to have this whenever I was feeling sad and lonely. It’s called ‘comfort food’, " Kathryn explained. 

Seven had not tried this before.  The change in Janeway since Seven had been asleep was marked. 

“I-will-try-it.” Seven answered as if the question of whether she would had been asked.

Janeway laughed and in a broad drawl said.  “Well I’m glad!”

They ate the meal in comfortable silence, each taking time to enjoy the simple fare.  Since this was probably the first full meal Kathryn had had since she had locked herself away, Seven was pleased that she was here to help.  She kept discreetly looking at the Captain and was warmed to see colour returning to her cheeks.

Time had passed by very quickly and Seven did not know what was going to happen next, she asked:  “What will we do after lunch?”

Janeway eyed her.   “What would you like to do after lunch?”

“I do not know.”  Seven felt unsure of herself.

“What do you normally do with your spare time?” Kathryn asked while getting up. She cleared up their plates into the recycler.

“I usually work until I regenerate.” Seven looked down as she said this, Kathryn had returned to the table and sat there looking intently at her.

“You do nothing but work?” Kathryn asked in astonishment.

“I…yes…I, apart from the games and discussions we have…” she faltered, she did not want Kathryn to think she was unsuccessful in her interaction with others.

“Oh Seven, don’t you mix with any other members of the crew?” Seven felt uncomfortable as she answered the question.

“I associate with Naomi and try to join in with the others.” Janeway looked upset as Seven finished.

“Well I will have to make sure you mix more with the others since you have made sure that I do.” Kathryn gave her a big smile that reached her eyes.  Seven melted into the smile and looked for a moment too long.

“Seven?”

Bringing herself to her senses, Seven got up and walked over to the couch.  She was enjoying the Captain’s company too much.  She was supposed to comfort the Captain, not wish for more.  Kathryn asked the computer to play some soft music.  She then left the table and sat on the couch, indicating that Seven should sit beside her.  The borg watched her move as if hypnotised; Seven did not know how to deal with it all.  She sat down as close to the Captain as she felt comfortable with.

“Seven?” Kathryn prompted again, moving closer until their knees were just touching.

“Captain I..” Seven said her voice sounding a little thick, unable to look away.  Kathryn Janeway touched her arm and Seven jumped at the contact.

“Are you attracted to me, Seven?” The Captain asked lightly.

“I do not wish to answer that question.”  Seven clung to her borgness in defence.

“Is this why you find it uncomfortable to be with me?” Kathryn again placed her hand on Seven’s arm and left it there.

“Yes.” Seven mumbled in response.  The soft pressure of Kathryn’s hand was having a startling effect on her nervous system.

“Can I kiss you?”

Kathryn’s question knocked the wind out of Seven.  She tried to answer but couldn’t, she was caught in a trance.  She looked into the Captain’s eyes and locked onto the blue-grey burning back into her own.

“I would like to kiss you, Seven.  I think that is what you want, nothing more than that will happen.” 

At this Seven felt no calmer. Her heart hammered painfully against her breastbone as though looking for a way out.

“I would like that, Kathryn” she responded her voice growing husky.  Janeway leant forward and gently captured Seven’s lips with her own.  Seven’s mouth caught fire as Kathryn left a trail of tiny kisses over her full lips.  Seven felt Kathryn’s tongue probing her mouth; Seven’s mind reeled, the explosive feeling in her chest burst and she passionately clung to the Captain.  Her body was sending her all sorts of different messages.  She was exhilarated and alarmed at the same time. 

“Seven!” Janeway gasped as she pulled away and drew in a shaky breath.  “I think we should slow down a bit.”  The kiss had lasted what felt like hours to Seven but was ultimately much too short.

Seven found it hard to breathe and it took a while before she finally caught up with herself.  She knew that what she was feeling was desire but at the same time she was slightly relieved that Kathryn had ended the contact; she was a little fearful of her powerful feelings for this woman.

“Seven, I think it’s better that we slow down.  We can talk if you want to.”  Janeway shifted so that she was looking at Seven, she picked up the borg’s hands and held them to her.

Seven was prepared to do anything at the moment if she could just kiss her again her.  The feelings that had been generated within her were confusing and conflicting.  “I would like to hold you Kathryn, is that acceptable?”

“Of course it is.”  They moved into a more comfortable position on the couch.  Seven felt Kathryn’s fingers gently stroke her hand, moving back and forth as if feeling her skin for the first time.

“I am afraid that I might mislead you.” Kathryn said looking into her eyes.  “I’m not myself at the moment and it would be better if this didn’t happen.”

Dread rose in Seven’s heart like a clenching fist.  She couldn’t understand what was happening.  First of all, Kathryn wanted to kiss her and now she did not.  “I want this to happen.”  Seven stated with conviction.

“I know you do.  I had guessed after I thought about our chat last week.  I can’t give you what you need right now.  I can’t give me what I need.  Do you understand?”  Janeway held onto Seven’s hand and squeezed it.

“No, I do not understand.”

Janeway explained.  “We have all, and I mean all, had a very bad time just lately.  Without Chakotay here, well it’s going to be hard, not just for me but for all of us.  I have nothing to offer you and I don’t want to take advantage of you.  It would be very easy right now for me to do that but not fair on you.”  She expelled a deep breath.

Seven looked at her, the pain showing on her face.  “You do not have feelings for me?”

“I don’t have feelings except selfish ones. I want to make love to you but I don’t want to give anything in return.  I’m afraid I am just using you because I’m lonely.  It would be better if you go.” She replied, her voice soft.

“I don’t want to go if you need me.”  Seven was willing to stay regardless of how the Captain felt.  She pulled Janeway closer.

“I can’t give you anything Seven.” She repeated.  Seven felt that Kathryn was holding herself stiff.

Struggling with her feelings Seven let go and moved away.  The ache and sense of loss was so intense.  She called on her borg strength and went towards the door.  “Do you require me to return, Captain?”

“Only if you want to, Seven.”

Seven stared forcefully at Kathyn, their eyes holding for a few seconds. She gathered up her strength. “ I will return if you require it.”  Then activating the door she left, knowing deep down that Janeway was making it her own decision.