Passage from emotions

Thanks to the many beta readers who helped.

She moved closer listening intently trying to appear as if she were not.  She knew that eavesdropping was frowned upon but she couldn’t help herself, she heard the conversation pause.

“You know she said that she would never mix it with the crew?” Ensign Harris’s voice continued.  “ Well I heard that she has the hots for Chakotay again.” 

The voices were moving further away and Seven had to use her enhanced hearing so that she could keep up with the conversation.  She heard a giggle then Ensign Janice Wise responded,  “Well I would certainly give him a go!”

The muffled voices slowly disappeared as the crewmen continued on their way.  Seven thought for a moment. Could they have been talking about Captain Janeway? The Borg felt a small twinge just under her breastbone whenever she thought about her. She knew from an earlier foray into the mating habits of humans, that 'having the hots' for someone meant that they desired to copulate with their chosen partner.  She hoped it were not true, she knew that she didn’t like the idea of anyone else getting closer to Captain Janeway than she was.  She must proceed to the Holodeck and find the Captain.  She would ascertain if it were true, and then decide on the best course of action.

In the holodeck Captain Janeway was waiting.  The doors whooshed open and Seven of Nine entered.  The older woman smiled at her.  “You’re right on time as usual.”

“I do not understand why I would not be.” She answered in her usual manner.  She noted her reaction to the presence of Captain Janeway, she knew that colour had entered her cheeks as she felt them flush.  She turned away slightly so that the older woman wouldn’t be able to see the reaction she had just caused in her.  When she turned back ready to play, the Captain was looking at her with curiosity. After a few moments warming up Janeway looked at her, poised.

“Ready?” the commanding woman asked. 

Seven nodded, she was going to find this difficult for two reasons; one, because of the effect of being close to Captain Janeway had on her concentration, and second, because the Captain always won.  About half way through the exhausting game they took a break.  The scores were level.  It appeared that Seven would finally have her day and most likely beat the Captain.  

Barely out of breath but tired, Seven took the chance to glance at the auburn haired woman.  She could see the Captain was enjoying herself and that brought her a little happiness knowing she was the cause of it.

“Captain, may I ask you a personal question?”  It had taken Seven three rounds to formulate what she was about to ask.

“Yes, of course Seven.”  The Captain sat back and leaned against the holodeck wall, perspiring, she appeared out of breath but invigorated.  Seven looked at the Captain, taking in the beauty of her features, tendrils of her hair were stuck to her forehead.  ‘She is such an attractive individual’.  She took a deep breath, fixed her eyes firmly on Janeway’s feet and asked.

“Are you copulating with Commander Chakotay?” As soon as she'd said it, Seven realised how bad that question had sounded.  Her forthright question appeared to stun the Captain.

“I beg your pardon?” Janeway spluttered.  The older woman looked at Seven in astonishment.

“Captain I wish to know if you ‘have the hots’ for Commander Chakotay?” The phrase didn’t sound quite right on Seven’s lips.

“Now Seven, I’m not sure where this has come from and I’m not sure I want to answer that question, where on earth did you get the idea?”

Seven shrank back into herself before she answered, she did not want to appear as if she had been listening to gossip, yet that is exactly what she had been doing.  She saw the frown settle on Captain Janeway’s face and felt anxious and out of depth. ‘I have erred again.’

“I am sorry I have made an error in judgement Captain, I will not pursue this conversation.” and before Captain Janeway could say anything, Seven promptly left the holodeck.

In the corridor Seven of Nine almost bumped into Naomi Wildman in the rush to escape the close proximity of the Captain.   The feelings that were surfacing within her were overwhelming and the need to get away was desperate.  

“Seven, Seven…” the girl called after her.  Although she heard the little girl Seven continued on her way and did not stop until she had returned to Cargo bay 2.  Naomi Wildman ran behind her at a safe distance.  Out of breath with running Naomi finally caught up with her.  The Borg was composed but Naomi could still see that she was troubled.

“Seven, is there something wrong?  Can I help?”

“Naomi Wildman, I wish to be alone so that I can regenerate.”  Seven did not feel like company especially since she kept thinking about Captain Janeway.  The thought kept repeating itself over and over again.   The Captain had not answered her question and that alone upset her.  The Captain obviously did not want to tell me and deep down I did not want her to tell me either in case it was something I did not want to hear.  The most efficient thing she decided was to concentrate on the slipstream project and just forget everything else, but it was not that easy, she would have to concentrate on being borg again.

“Seven, are you upset?” the little girl continued, eager to help her.

“Naomi Wildman I have already stated that I wish to regenerate, we will continue this conversation another time.”

“You look upset. Sometimes it’s good to talk when you are feeling low.  I know that my friends Flotter and Treevis always cheer me up when I’m sad.”

Seven looked at her; she wanted to talk however she felt that Naomi was the not the right person to talk to.  But she had no one else due to her former association with the Borg.  How could she explain her feelings to the half k’tarian child when she didn’t understand them? Her humanity was taking hold and she didn’t know how to control it.  How each and everyday grew more and more difficult for her to be around the Captain or in her presence yet at the same time how difficult it was not to be with her.  How she felt that she could not bear to go a day without seeing the Captain, as if it were some primal necessary thing in order to function at all.  She was distracted all the time and she knew her work was suffering.  These were feelings she could not fathom or understand.  She could not even pinpoint a time when these feelings started to manifest themselves with any precision.  She only knew that they grew stronger and harder to deal with everyday and there was no one who could help her, not even the Doctor.  When consulting him, he admitted that he lacked the experience to help her deal with her feelings, his view being that they would sort themselves out eventually given time.

“I have found out something disturbing about…a friend and I do not know if it is true.”  The Borg finally said, she had lowered her head but lifted her eyes to watch Naomi.  The girl nodded her head as if she knew exactly what Seven needed, understanding things she wasn’t old enough to comprehend.  “Have you asked your friend if it true?”

“Yes..I did” Seven replied somewhat stiltedly, it still hurt and pain appeared to be a major part of what she was experiencing emotionally.

“Did your friend say that it was true?” the girl tried again.

“No she did not” Seven raised her head and looked at her “She said that she would not answer the question but did not say why.”

“Is this what upset you?” Naomi showing she was sincere in her efforts to comfort her friend.

“Yes.”

“The best way to look at it, my mom would say, is that no answer is better than a wrong sort of answer, if you understand me.”  She attempted the words again, “What I mean is that no news is good news, right?” 

“Indeed.” Seven responded, half amused at the logical reasoning coming from the child.

“If it were me, I would ask her why she didn’t want to answer, there may be a very good reason for it, " Naomi continued.

This thought had not occurred to Seven.  She began to wonder why the Captain would not trust her with an answer.  She tried to evaluate the situation with this added thought then she turned to her young friend and gave her a small smile.  “Thank you Naomi, you are a wise friend.”

Naomi beamed at her and with a skip gave the bemused woman a hug, only then did the child seem content to leave the Borg alone.

“I hope it gets sorted!”  She shouted as she left the cargo bay.  Seven sighed and turned to her alcove.  She mulled over what her small friend had said and decided that she would ask Captain Janeway why would not answer the question, she also knew that she needed to see the captain again, soon.

The following evening found Seven in the company of Harry Kim in the mess hall.  He was attempting to get her to talk.  He had mentioned that she appeared to be a little distant and wasn’t there anything he could do?  Captain Janeway appeared at the door and swept into the room.  Scanning the room she settled her eyes briefly on Seven of Nine before she came towards them.  Seven felt the look and stiffened at the attention.  She noticed that the Captain did not look as happy as she had the previous day when she had first entered the holodeck.  Captain Janeway approached the table.

“Harry, Seven” she greeted them “May I join you?” the smile was drawn and tired.  The day had been hard on her, she was still dressed in her command red uniform that only now appeared to be slightly crumpled.

Both Seven and Harry nodded their assent.  Seven observed that Captain Janeway had sat across the table from her and wouldn’t look directly at her, instead she signalled to Neelix with a smile that she would like a cup of coffee.

“Seven I hope you don’t mind but I would like to talk to you later in my quarters?”  The Captain said this carefully as if afraid that it would be misunderstood, there could be no mistaking the fact it was a command and not a choice.  Seven looked into the Captains eyes and promptly got lost.  The grey blue eyes burned into her own with curiosity and then relaxed, she gave Seven an encouraging smile.  Seven melted, and felt a warm feeling flow through her, she swallowed and looked down.

“I would like that.”

“Say about 20:00 hours?”

“That is acceptable”

The three of them discussed the possibilities of finding another M class planet before Harry Kim left to join one of the Delaney sisters.  Seven barely noticed him go but was still acutely aware of Janeway’s presence.  She looked up to see the Captain watching her.  She shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny.

“Are you alright Seven?”  The soft voice of the woman in front of her caused all sorts of reactions that were hard to catalogue because of their rapid appearance and disappearance.  She could not ascertain what it was about the voice that made her stomach flip.

“I find it difficult to be around you” She blurted and shifted her position so that she was facing away from the Captain, staring at the stars flashing by in a blur, her emotions in a maelstrom.  The lack of control over her feelings caused her to experience an inadequacy, which in turn was uncomfortable.

“Oh Seven. Why?”  From the expression on Janeway’s face, Seven could see this was the last thing she was expecting.  The concern in her voice made Seven want to reach out and touch her. I MUST NOT she thought vehemently, then turned back to stare outside again.

When the silence between them began to drag, she finally turned back to look at the Captain and-caught a look of pain? As quickly as it had been noticed it was gone so she endeavoured to try and clarify her own emotions, feeling distress at causing some pain.

“I find it difficult to talk about.” Her honesty touched the Captain.

“Do you think you could talk about it with me?”  Kathryn Janeway didn’t know that she wasn’t making it easier, the borg wanted desperately to talk to someone but it looked liked that someone could only be Captain Janeway.

“It is not easy for me.”

“What makes it not easy?”  The expression on the older woman’s face was unreadable.

“Captain,  I would rather discuss this later in your quarters.” Seven replied. Feeling under pressure she let her eyes flit around the room.  In an effort to get away she stood up, she felt warm, too warm.  Now that she had started she found that she had no option but to carry on.

“Let’s go now.”

The tentative approach meant that Seven could not refuse and Captain Janeway reached out her hand.  Seven took the offered hand and felt a surge of energy leap along her arm.  The contact sizzled and she almost jerked her arm away before the feeling dissipated, it was replaced by a tingling sensation that was altogether pleasant.  Pulling her gently round Janeway led the Borg towards the door.  Seven slowly released Captain Janeway’s hand and they left the mess hall with no one noticing and they in turn, noticed no-one.

The Captain’s quarters were tidy and familiar to them both.  This was the scene of many a philosophical discussion.  Tonight’s topic had Seven on edge.

“Seven, relax, I won’t bite you.”

The remark, which was said to relax her, only proceeded to cause her cheeks to flush as the thought of Captain Janeway biting her appeared in her mind.

“Please, let’s continue on the couch, would you like anything to drink?”

Feeling this would give her some space to collect her thoughts, Seven requested a tea.  She sat down whilst Janeway replicated a drink for her and herself.  She saw that the Captain had a glass of wine to drink. Janeway sat down just a few inches away and again tried to put her at her ease.

“Seven, we don’t have to talk about this, if you find it too much, but as your Captain I need to have a good working rapport with my officers.  If you are uncomfortable in my presence for any reason we need to sort it out.”

“I do not always find it difficult to be with you, there are times when I feel very comfortable with you,” she began. Despite her earlier reservations about talking, she knew it was important to the Captain and she would try her best.  “When we are working I find it easier than when we are not.”

“Yet I’ve had reports from various officers that you are inattentive and distracted which lead me to believe that there is something wrong and that you are not telling anyone about it.” Janeway pointed out.

“I have let my work suffer but I will endeavour to be more.. efficient.”

“That’s not what I meant, Seven.  I want to help you with whatever it is that’s bothering you.” She said softly.

“I don’t know if you can, Captain.”  Seven let her head fall and took a moment to steady herself.

“What is it that is so hard?”  The Captain seemed almost hurt that it was difficult for Seven to talk to her.

“I find that I cannot control my feelings.  I feel irrational and inefficient.”

Janeway waited, then asked.  “What sort of feelings?  Do I make you feel less than borg? Or do I make you feel human?”

Seven wanted to make sure Janeway would understand this.  “You make me feel very human, almost too human and vulnerable.” Seven was pensive when she finished.  She looked at Janeway to see the effect the words were having on the older woman.  Captain Janeway was looking dazed and still a bit confused.

“Seven can you tell me exactly what the problem is? I thought that we were friends, have I let you down?”

“No Captain.  You haven’t let me down.  I do not understand why, I just know that I need….” She trailed off.

“What do you need?” Janeway pushed.

“I need…” Diverting from what she was about to say, she said.  “Only if you answer my question first.”

“What is your question?”

“The one I asked you in the holodeck concerning Commander Chakotay.” 

“Oh” Janeway shifted uncomfortably. “Seven, why is it so important for you to know if I want to date Chakotay?”

Now that the question had been voiced Seven pushed ahead hoping that these feelings and emotions would go if she just voiced them.

“I feel lost and alone, like it was when I was first severed from the collective.  I have no one.”

“You are not alone Seven.  We are all a family on this ship, thrown together by circumstances.  If you feel alone you must tell me straight away, I will do everything I can to help you, you know that don’t you?”  Janeway reached for Seven’s hand as she said this.

“I still feel alone.”

“Whether I date Commander Chakotay or not, you are not alone.”  Janeway was gently rubbing her thumb over Seven’s knuckles.  The effect it had was reassuring to Seven.

“The thought of you with Commander Chakotay makes me feel like I do not like Chakotay very much.  It also makes me feel that I don’t like you either.” Seven was almost sullen.

“You feel jealous?” the Captain asked mystified.

“If that is what it is called then yes, I feel jealous.”

“But why?  Seven you are my friend and if I were to date Chakotay, which I’m not, then that fact wouldn’t change.  You are my friend until we both say otherwise.”

Seven absorbed the statement letting it run through her mind. In a subdued voice Seven asked,  “Nothing will change between us?”

Smiling Captain Janeway replied “Of course not.”

Taking her courage in both hands and deciding that this was the time to ask, “What if I want it to change?”

“Don’t you want to be my friend?” Janeway laughed.

“Yes and no."

Red alert, all hands.  Chakotay’s voice came across the system.

The Captain tapped her comm. Link, her face a command mask again “Report” she demanded.

Seven could see that Janeway was the ‘Captain’ again and this discussion was at an end for now.  She was happy though because Captain Janeway had answered her question, she had said clearly that she was not dating Chakotay. 

As they left the Captains quarters, she felt happier than she had in a long time.  There would be another day to continue where they had left off.