ALL ALONE


I am Annika, but I used to be named "Seven of Nine". By now I have regained my humanity completely and am living on a planet called earth. But about twenty years ago I was working on a star-ship named "Voyager". I was having the best time of my life there. The crew-members helped me to overcome my being "Borg" and brought me up with thinking and behaving as an individual. They accepted me for what I was and I was happy there.

Not so long ago I was asked what my most profound experience on that ship was. I didn't have to think about that very long, but it took me quite a long time to recall everything that had happened during this wonderful and also frightening experience. Now I can see everything that has happened clearly in front of my eyes, like a movie.

There was one lady whom I admired a lot ever since I've met her for the very first time. She was the Captain of the Voyager and her name was Captain Janeway. She always cared for about me. I enjoyed working together with her. Maybe I enjoyed it a little too much. I was suddenly confused because I felt a little strange every time she passed me by, every time I looked into her eyes or just heard her voice from the distance. Another fact that got me confused was that I suddenly felt I had to think about her all the time. I don't exactly remember when it started, but one day I just woke up and what was in my mind were thoughts about the Captain. Her picture was accompanying me all day long. I just didn't get it out of my mind. I didn't know why I had these thoughts, but I wanted to find out about that so desperately.

From that day on,whenever I woke up, I had had only the Captain on my mind. I got more thoughtful then ever. I went to "bed" a lot earlier than usual with the intention to have sweet dreams. Sweet dreams about the Captain and me. During work I grew got less and less focused as those thoughts were in my mind all the time. I didn't know what was going on with me. I wanted to ask somebody about it, but I was unsure whether this would have been the right thing to do, so I didn't dare to do so.

Then the day came when I didn't stand this confusion anymore. I just had to tell somebody, and who would have been a better person to talk to about this issue than the person concerned - Captain Janeway.

I was trying to figure out a way how to ask her. I didn't know if having such thoughts was something bad, I didn't even know why I had such strange thoughts, so I figured out very carefully how to talk to her about this. It took me some attempts till I finally took all my courage together and talked to her. During each of these this attempts she looked at me with her wonderful sparkling eyes and I just couldn't get to the point, so I had to change the subject. But this time I finally wanted to know what was wrong with me.

"Come in", Captain Janeway said when I knocked at her door. I entred. "Have a seat", she said, pointing at her sofa. "I prefer to stand", said I. "What is it you want?", the Captain asked as gentle as always. I began to get all the thoughts in my head in shape with the purpose to tell her what was going on with me. "Captain, I have come to ask you something. In the past few days I have had thoughts, such strange thoughts, concerning one of the crew members." Captain Janeway sat down on her sofa. "Explain them to me, Seven."

"When I leave my regenerator in the morning, I start thinking about this person, and these thoughts don't let go of me all day long. I even take them with me when I go back into my alcove. At work I am less concentrated than I used to be before this started. I also feel different. Captain, what's wrong with me? Am I ill?"

The Captain smiled, maybe she even laughed a little. Then she stood up and walked towards me. "No, Seven, you are not ill at all."

"What is it then?"

The Captain put her hands on my shoulders and looked directly into my eyes. "Seven, you're in love!"

"In love?", I repeated, looking aside.

"Yes, in love", the Captain answered. I walked backward for a little with the intention to get her hands off of my shoulders. I felt unpleasant, but nevertheless I was curious. "Captain, what exactly is love?" Again, the Captain laughed quietly. "It is exactly what you have just explained to me. Waking up in the morning and thinking of this special person, thinking of this person almost all day long, thinking of her before you go to bed, being not that concentrated during work, feeling different.".

I think she saw the frightened look in my eyes, because she then said, "Seven, being in love is nothing bad. It's nothing you need to be scared of. It is something wonderful, something which you should enjoy in every way it is possible." I still couldn't look into her eyes properly. "Captain, I am scared. I have never been there before."

"I know, Seven, but trust me, it is something wonderful and believe me, you will like it." Somehow I didn't believe her. "How can I like it when I feel so strange?"

"I know what you mean, but sooner or later you will like it, believe me."

Now I finally looked deeply into her eyes. "I believe you, Captain." I walked around her room for a little. "There is something else, Captain."

The Captain looked at me, smiling. "What is it?" I continued walking. "Should I tell? I mean, should I tell that person?" There was somebody at the door, so captain Janeway went to open it. Then suddenly she turned around. "Do, whatever your heart tells you to do." She opened the door and Tuvok came in. As I felt my presence was no longer needed, I left.

That night I spent a lot of time in front of my alcove, thinking about Captain Janeway's words. She advised me to do what my heart tells me, but I have never really had any "contact" with my heart before.

The next few days were very hard for me. I was thinking the talk between the Captain and me over and over again. I really had fallen in love with her. I was very sure of that, but I wasn't sure whether to tell her that the feelings I had described to her were concerning her or whether I should just try to enjoy this unrequited love. I decided for the last one. I tried to continue obeying her orders and working for her as if nothing had ever happened and as if I didn't care about her any more than I did for any other crew member. I tried to continue my life the way it used to be ever since I had became a member of the crew, but I failed. I couldn't deny my feelings for the Captain. One night I even cried. I felt so alone, so pathetic, so miserable. That night Icouldn't stand it anymore. I just had to go to the captain's quarters and talk to her.

I knocked at her door. I was frightened, but also filled with curiosity concerning her reaction. She let me in immediately and this time I even decided to accept her offering me a seat as I was shivering. I sat down on that sofa next to her and then began talking. "Captain, remember how I told you about these strange thoughts and feelings I got and you told me it was called "love"?"

"Yes, I do."

I looked directly into her eyes and tried not to sound as cold as I usually did. But I don't think I managed to avoid that frigid tone.

"Then I love you, Captain." She turned away from me. Suddenly I regretted my telling her about this. She got up, walked towards the door and opened it.

"Please leave", she said, not in a mean way, but somehow anxious. When I left her room I did not dare looking at her, my eyes were facing the ground. After the door had been closed behind me, I leaned myself against the wall, letting myself slide down into a sitting-position, weeping.

The next day was even harder then the days before used to be. I had to go to work as usual, but I felt uncomfortable. I couldn't stand seeing the Captain sitting in front of me, knowing that she's very likely to be angry with me. I could hear in her voice that it was hard for her to give me any orders as it was shaking whenever she talked to me. While talking to me, she didn't look at me as usual, but she had her back turned on me. She avoided eye-contact whenever it was possible.

I felt so miserable, it's unbelievable how miserable I felt. All I wanted was her accepting me. I didn't know that having such feelings for someone - loving someone - was such a bad thing. I couldn't understand why she was acting that way towards me. I wanted to talk to her about this, wanted to ask her what the matter was and why she was treating me that way, and more then all I wanted to hold her in my arms.

Then the day came when I didn't stand this situation any longer. I didn't want to carry on this way, so I decided to talk to her again. I went up to her room and knocked at her door.

"Captain, it's me, Seven of Nine." No response. "May I come in?" Still no response. "Captain, I need to talk to you, seriously." Then she finally opened the door.She didn't look at me, though. She just opened it and walked to her sofa where she sat down. "I am sure you know what I want to talk to you about.", I said, approaching her. She still didn't look at me.

"Yes", she finally replied. To be honest, that made me happy as I now knew she was going to let me talk about this topic, and that was all I wanted for the moment.

"Captain, you told me to do whatever my heart tells me to do. My heart told me to tell you what I feel for you. So I did tell you about it. All I want you to do is to accept my feelings for you and not treat me the way you treated me ever since you knew about my feelings for you. That's all I want."

She suddenly looked up at me. "No, Seven, don't lie to me. I can see it in your eyes. It is not all you want. You want more. What you want is something we call a "relationship.". Have you ever heard about that?"

"Not really, Captain. I want to be honest with you. Captain, I. dream about holding you in my arms. I dream about being together with you every place I go. and I dream about feeling your lips on mine, feeling your hands in mine, feeling your body pressed against mine."

"That's what people who are in a relationship do, and I knew that this was what you wanted. Sit down, Seven." I sat down next to her, looking at my knees as I was not able to look into her eyes after what I had just told her.
"Seven, look at me", she said, touching my chin with the intention to push my face up a little so I could look at her while she was talking. "I know you're experiencing this for the very first time and I know it must be very hard for you to discover how disappointing love can be, but this is one of the lessons of life. Sooner or later you would have had to experience unrequited love. It is not as wonderful as requited love, of course, but take it as a lesson. Seven, I really like you, and you know that, but I don't love you, and even if I did love you we could never start a relationship. I am your Captain. I am a lot older that you are. Trust me, it wouldn't work out fine. Take your time, and I am sure you will find the perfect partner."

On the one hand, what she said impressed me, but on the other hand it hurt me terribly. A tear ran down my cheek. The Captain took her finger and wiped it away. I was looking into her beautiful eyes, willing to push my face a little closer to hers, willing to press my lips on hers, but she pushed me away. "I think it's better if you leave now," she said, standing up and going toward the door. I remained sitting on the sofa a little longer. I looked at her standing at the door, and she looked back at me.

"Why?" I asked. "Why don't you let me try how it feels?"

"Because it would put us both in a situation which would certainly get us in trouble. Believe me, Seven, it wouldn't be any good." I got up and left.

I didn't feel like giving up yet. I wanted to make her mine by any means possible. So I just waited for my chance. Then I suddenly saw it. She was sitting on her chair on the bridge all alone, everybody else had gone away. I approached her as quietly as possible. Then I was standing behind her. I put my arms around her neck, embraced her from behind. She turned her face on me, she looked shocked, but before she could say anything I pressed my lips against hers. She finally gave in to my kiss.

I can't describe how good this felt. I suddenly let go and walked a little further so that I was positioned in front of her. She got up and took my hands in hers. "I love you," I said, sounding warm and gentle.

"Don't talk now, dear", she replied. Then her hands wandered to my hips. I have never been touched like that before. She kissed my neck and then slowly let her hands move upward to my chest. Then her lips went to mine. I felt her tongue inside my mouth and tried to play with it. That felt so good.

She sat down on her chair, then she took my hand and tore me leaded me to her lap where I sat down. I leaned my arms over her neck and began to kiss her. She interrupted out kiss, took my head in her hands and looked at me. "I love you, too" she said and smiled at me.

I was so happy. I ripped her pullover off and after that the t-shirt which she wore under it. I discovered another feeling I have ever heard of before - being aroused. She gently opened my uniform and I got up to let it slide down my body. When I was all undressed, I opened her pants, removed them from her body and then went back to sit on her lap again. We started kissing again, but this time even more passionately. She touched my chest again. Suddenly we both felt that we wanted more. We wanted it all, so we went down on the ground.

After the Captain and I had dressed again, we went separate ways. We kissed good-bye, but we did not use a single word about how the situation between us was going to develop and about how what we felt for each other. I felt partly happy and partly upset. I was happy as I had just experienced the most wonderful moment of my young life so far, but I was upset as neither one of us dared saying a thing after we had made love.

The next days were quite upsetting for me. I didn't know how to react towards Captain Janeway anymore. and she seemed to have the same problem with me. We didn't talk about what had happened. Neither did she talk to me at all - except for giving orders concerning work. I was confused. I wanted to be with her, and I thought what had happened on the bridge that one day had been the first step toward our unity. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to turn out how I imagined it to be.

Weeks passed by like this. The Captain didn't start a conversation with me, neither did I do so with her. I missed her so much, and I was longing for her so terribly. One morning when I woke up, she was standing in front of my regenerator. I was surprised.

"Captain?"

"Good morning, Seven", she said, smiling at me. "I got a special order for you."

I stepped out of my alcove. "Oh? So you came here with the intention to give me an order?"

"Seven, I ..." she began, but stopped when she saw the look in my face. I now stood directly in front of her. I was angry with her, absolutely angry, because she just came to give me an order. "I expected something else."

"I know, Seven, I know. But I am not sure if it is right to talk about it."

"What would be so wrong if we talked about it?"

"Seven, please understand me. I am your captain, I can't be your lover!"

"But you could make love to me!", I accused.

"Seven!" Janeway shouted.

I just went out of the room while she remained standing in there. I was furious. What she had said hurt me a lot. It gave me the feeling that she just played with my feelings. She had known right from the beginning that she was my Captain and thereby couldn't start a relationship with a crew-member, but if she really took it that serious, then why did she give in to my embrace, my kiss, my undressing her? I didn't understand the point she was making. I was angry and upset.

A few days after that she begged to talk to me after all the other  people had left the bridge. I was willing to talk to her as I wanted to know why she had treated me that way and how things between us were bound to go on.
"Seven, I want you to know that. I care for you." The Captain started sobbing for a little.

"Then why do you treat me that way?" I asked, trying to express my anger in my voice. She started crying even more. At first I didn't know what to do, but then I just opened my arms so I could embrace her. Holding her in my arms felt so good. I was holding her tighter and tighter. Then the Captain was recovering. She removed herself from my embrace and wiped away her tears.

"I didn't want to let go of that embrace", I said, looking at the beautiful woman.

"Seven, I love you, you know that."

"Yes, Captain."

"I want to be with you, Seven." She fell into my arms, so I could hold her tight again. Suddenly I felt her warm lips on mine. I was in heaven.

We were only able to spend one night together. In the morning, Paris saw us while we were hugging and kissing. Actually, we planned to avoid any contact which wasn't concerning work. We had planned not to openly display our romance except in her quarters, or in the cargo-bay, but we were just so much in love that we couldn't resist.Unfortunately, Paris told B'Elanna about us, she reported it to Chakotay and so the news made its way. Only one day after that Kathryn Janeway was suspended from her work as the Captain of the star-ship Voyager. Actually, I would have had to leave the ship, too, but it was agreed that I can stay if I complied to not ever contacting Kathryn again. This was so hard for me. I wasn't even allowed to say good-bye to her when she left. From then on, I was all alone.

I never loved anybody ever again. Kathryn Janeway was my one and only love I have ever had.

After I had fully regained my humanity (which was about 18 years after my experience with Kathryn), I decided to leave the Voyager and start a new live on planet earth.

Yesterday at a mall I met a certain Kathryn Janeway. We have a date tonight at 8 pm.


THE ENDING