(Personal observations of Jeanette Tanner recorded in a private diary, written as correspondence to a friend)

I love watching them. The way they are together. The little things they do when they think no one is watching. But I watch. And I see. And I listen. And hear. I see how close they are. I see how much they are in love. And I see them struggle with their feelings unsure of what to do next, scared, of losing each other, and scared of letting anyone know, and really, scared to say anything too much too each other in case it somehow destroys their illusion. It's as though if they don't actually say anything, then it can go on, the looks the touches, the small intimacies. I can see they're scared to draw too much attention to their actions...self consciousness destroys the confidence of fantasy, the little safe environment that's not too risky...that doesn't threaten to go too far in case it all falls apart. Perhaps I'm reading a bit much into it, but then again, I've spent a long time watching them, and I'm somewhat of an expert on relationships. It's new territory for them both...for Seven definitely...and I expect for Kathryn too. I've wondered about her for a long time...just what the hell she was planning to do getting married I don't know. Self delusion is a wonderful thing. I suppose it must just have been a case of "the right girl at the right time" as far as Kathryn is concerned. And that right girl is Seven.

I'm nosy I know, but I would never do anything to hurt my big sister. By that I mean our beloved Captain of course, whom I've known on and off since I was little, thanks to my parents connection to Starfleet. Maybe that's not such a good thing. I'm not very professional with her, and neither is she with me, but hey are in the middle of nowhere and may still be for a while and we all have to have something concrete to hold onto. Tuvok is there for her as well, very much a pillar of logical strength. Someone who stretches back into her past and helps to keeps her sanity intact, cos believe me, sometimes it feels like Earth, and home, and all those things are just distant memories of a long forgotten dream. It's good to be reminded that it's still there, waiting patiently for us.

But we will go home different. Changed. This ship has been our home for years now. Not really that long. Six years isn't that long in real terms. But it's bloody long enough. And it has a dreadful forever feeling to it when you know it may take 70 (well only about 30 now) years to get home. And...dam it! I'm edging ever closer to 30 now! So in the course of all this...we have, as the Borg would say...adapted. And she has adapted too. Kathryn, our Captain, has adapted in a way more ironic than any of us, except perhaps myself, and maybe a couple of others, could have predicted.

I think I saw it coming a long time ago. In all my time around her, I'd never seen Kathryn fight with anyone the same way she has with Seven of Nine. Such passion, such desperation and determination on behalf of the both of them to be understood. Kathryn wanting Seven to see herself as an individual and feel everything she missed out on, and Seven's frustration and need to be understood in the face of experiences that were totally alien to her. It was only natural that they would form a special bond with each other. That it has evolved into deep and intense devotion, whereby Kathryn will now go to extraordinary lengths to ensure Seven's well being, was perhaps not on the cards but has nonetheless happened. Of course they don't fight as much now, they seem to have this connection. Some unspoken thing that is very deep and personal...yes Kathryn has indeed adapted, but even so...I think she would find it hard to admit to anyone other than herself she loves Seven, and even then I think she would have trouble admitting it to herself. She tries to keep their relationship low key...and for the most part people are oblivious, even in this "rumour mongering-gossip travels faster than Warp speed" environment. Of course, having dalliances with a holographic man, both hindered and helped her situation. On one hand it says one thing, but on the other it looks very suspect, really like she's trying to make do with something she can't (or won't let herself) have. It's only people as observant as myself and those that really pick this up, those that know her well, that probably know the truth, and there aren't that many of them. But that bloody Irish bartender was big mistake; it drew more attention to her rather than away from her. Perhaps Kathryn thought it might distract people from her relationship with Seven. Perhaps she was trying distract herself from Seven. God knows. The later probably, since she obviously has some trouble accepting that part of herself. Maybe she saw something of Seven in the Sullivan hologram. I'm sure Tuvok knows, and probably Chakotay as well, but then again perhaps not. He has made some monumental blunders in anticipating her thinking, so may be not.

I think she and Chakotay are friends, but nothing else. They socialise well together, because they are both charming and highly intelligent, and good conversationalists but it stops there I'm certain. Kathryn's behaviour toward her First Officer is nothing like the behaviour she displays for her Astrometrics officer. Chakotay likes her. He finds her interesting and maddening and captivating, and cares for her, but he's not a fool either, and I'm sure as First Officer he must know about Kathryn's "quiet" relationship.

From what I can tell, and that isn't that much ' it's not as if invade their personal space or anything like that, I just keep my eyes and ears open in public places ' their relationship is deeply emotional, but I'm guessing that it's not yet physical, and if so only in the tiniest and most intensely simple way. The kind of thing that always makes you want more. Lots of little touches, hands together, always intimately close to each other's personal space. And the eyes. Always the eyes on each other, watching the other's expression, gestures, and movements and of course the other persons' eyes. They stare at each other all the time. Watching each other's eyes, and you can tell, that in that instant the two of them are in an entirely different universe from the rest of us.

It's the most incredible behaviour to watch, but ultimately frustrating from my point of view. By now I would have dragged one of them into bed. Yeah. I'm not exactly the shy and retiring type as you might have guessed. I've known I was into girls since about 10 or 12. Kathryn hasn't had that luxury...with a professional background and conservative upbringing, it must have just seemed like the right thing to do to have a career meet a man, get married...blah blah blah. I can't imagine people do that anymore, to deny themselves like that, to deny their own nature, but I suppose it must have been some narrow minded goal oriented conditioning that led her to do what she did. I've always wondered what she was doing with men...but then sometimes we can't see what's right under our noses until it hits us...and it took Seven to hit her. And boy did it hit her hard.

I think she doesn't fully realise just how much though. Kathryn plays these shrewd mind games with herself...she won't even fully recognise her own feelings. It means being more honest with herself than she ever has been, and we can't possibly have that now can we? Like I said, it's very frustrating to watch; I don't think either of them really has a clue what they're doing. I want to help, but every time I broach the subject to Kathryn she acts as though she and Seven are nothing more than friends. Yeah right. And I'm having an affair with the First Officer.

I see the way they stop if they see each other in the corridor, or messhall, how they register each other's presence whenever they are near one another, even if they don't say anything.

I can see Janeway back away terrified of what she feels. And I see how much it hurts Seven. Naive and beautiful Seven, who, it seems, doesn't know how to recognise her more complex emotions yet, despite the progress she has made. Certain things still confuse her.

Miz and I have discussed it together. She doesn't see why I get so uptight about the whole thing. But I can't make her see. She accepts herself, her nature, as obviously as I do. But from a cultural standpoint is ignorant of just how much we - and when I mean we I mean all of us people that don't fit the stereotypical male/female heterosexual mould ' had to fight for normal acceptance, all because of who you can love.

It's not an issue with people anymore. Not like it used to be. But a lot of people went to a lot of trouble to get equal rights, to and not be discriminated against, to be accepted as normal human individuals. It hurts that in this day and age, our Captain sees fit to doubt herself, or how she feels. I don't know (or rather didn't when I was little) her parents all that well, and have only met her sister once, despite buzzing around Starfleet all the time as a kid with my parents. But I did meet her Father, a couple of times. He was courteous, but you can see when people act. Admiral Janeway was always doing the responsible minded Military Commander bit but he was quite a strict old bastard really, though everyone thought he was something magic as if the sun shone out of his arse. I could see the way Kathryn wanted to please him. He had quite a conservative outlook if I remember, about most things, so it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he turned out to be a dinosaur brained homophobe. I didn't think there were any left, but now and then one crops up. People on the whole find that kind of "hate" attitude to be extremely distasteful. But there are the occasional (usually religious) throwbacks.

I see other culture's too now struggling for understanding in the same areas sometimes. Vulcans have an interesting if odd idea. They espouse IDIC yet some of the more "traditional" of them don't really approve of homosexual behaviour. It seems to conflict with the Kolinahr in some way that I don't understand. But at the same time, they are very accepting of "male bonding" in a Roman bath house type of way. The same with the Klingons. I nearly fell over when I found out that half the Klingon army is gay. Well so Gustav tells me, but he may just be taking the piss. Anyway it worked for Sparta. It certainly works for the Klingons. Combine that "bonding comradeship" with their brutal system of "honour" and you have a dam scary bunch. If General V'rok is anything to go by, the so called "sword of Klingon". In some parts of the Klingon homeworld it's actually considered a great honour to be fucked by a senior officer apparently. Usually caught unaware on your own somewhere in the more brutal parts of a Klingon ship. And as for the Synaanjj- something I definitely do know about - well words can't describe them. Maybe "planet full of exotic and gorgeous green/blue androgyne lesbians. My god. They are just the most beautiful race I've ever seen. They actually change colour with mood. Like a chameleon. But there is nothing remotely reptilian about them. They are soft, smooth as silk, and they have some kind of glow coming off them, sort of like a phosphorescence of the pigment, so it changes colour too. It's only very mild, and it could just be a trick of the light on their skin, but I can say I've never seen a more incredible looking race of people. They move with such a fluid grace it's like watching ballet, and when they talk to you they hold you with these astonishing blue eyes. It's like staring into sparkling blue diamond...or something. Words can't really describe them.

Where was I?

Oh, Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine.

I wonder what it must be like? For Seven. Just to conceive of the Borg, the Collective as they call themselves, is mind boggling in the extreme. It scares the shit out of me to think of being in one of those cubes, just staring out into a massive chasm that is so vast it must measure in kilometres. Space makes me freak the same way, the idea of just endless...void, and nothing. But the Borg are much worse. I can just about handle zero G training, but it is hard to appreciate just how goddam frightening the Borg are. Whenever Voyager sees them I freeze. It's the scale that gets me. Every time. Despite everything that we've learnt about them (and I think we have learned a great deal, possibly more than anyone so far has) it's always heavily in the Borg's favour whenever we meet. Despite everything we have learned. We have just under 200 people on this ship...one of their vessels can hold more than 150 000. I think that says it all. If they decide to get serious, we are fucked. The only reason we are still alive is that we aren't a high enough priority for them yet. They are much cleverer, and much more devious than they seem. It's like they're testing us. Testing the human race to see just how resistant we are. The more resistant, the more they try.

So how must Seven feel?

She follows the same Borg pattern of try and try and try and try and try till you get the desired result. And then if you don't, keep going anyway. If the task is finished and it's of no more importance then it is now irrelevant. But her task isn't finished. She hasn't obtained the desired result. Which is Janeway's total attention. Our Captain should take the opportunity while she can. Seven may eventually think she may never get what she wants and may change her priorities, especially if someone more receptive comes along. She wants something Seven. I know now she doesn't even know what it is that she wants. But she knows she wants it. Companionship. Not sex necessarily, though she may be curious about it, but a connection of some sort. Some emotional connection. But as long as Janeway continues to play "touchy feely, smiley from a distance" with Seven, Seven is still going to think the Captain is a viable possibility. No, Seven is not looking for a mate, or to get married, or any other nonsense. She doesn't want sex. If she has anything to do with it, she probably sees it as a physical release and uses the holodeck. What she wants is to be understood. To be listened to for long hours at a time while she tries to explain how she feels. Because that's it. She can't really. She has almost no frame of reference for her feelings. She doesn't take the time with the complex emotions because there's not always someone to take that time with that same level of intense, close relationship you develop as a child and while growing up, with Parents, friends and partners. She has never had that. Instead, she's had a singular, overwhelming Alien weight pressed down on her mind for nearly 20 years, making her like them. God how must she feel? How must the world seem to her? To just think of that, is enough to understand completely why Seven feels about the Captain. Kathryn was Seven's saviour, regardless of what the Borg Queen says. Of course, I think Seven does have lesbian genes in her though. There is a difference in the way she looks at women, than how she looks at men. She isn't really interested in men, in a certain way. Oh of course her Borg programming makes her outlook almost androgynous, but honestly I think she doesn't have a sexual attraction to men. I think, if she ever does have sexual contact with men, it will simply be out of curiosity.

Look at me, being all presumptuous, "Oh I know how to spot a lesbian", haa haa, I amuse myself with my arrogance. But really, it's not that hard to spot. Especially in Seven's case. Or Janeway's for that matter.

I enjoy watching them. I'll never invade their privacy, but if there's ever anything I can do to help my friend, my Captain, I will. I want her to be happy, it's hard enough as it is out here. It must be harder when you love someone and can't even show it.

Jeanette Tanner, Ensign,

Starship Voyager,

Somewhere in the Delta Quadrant.

PS: Say hello to Phil and Dominique, and give Darsa a cuddle from me.

Love and kisses and hugs.