Warning: J/7 subtext, bad language, and some other crazy shit. This story makes fun of the characters and story lines of Star Trek Voyager so if you're really serious about the show you might not find this funny. This story reads like an episode script. It's just the way I saw it in my head. Oh, and my techno babble sucks.

Title: 'Borged Out' Part 1

Opening scene: space, all of the sudden 10 or 20 borg cubes fly by fast as hell

Next scene: somewhere on a borg sphere with a bunch of drones walking around doing borg things. Out from the dark end of an alcove the Borg Queen emerges in full borg mode with hands linked behind her back

Borg Queen: (thinking) 'Okay, this is it. I've got to do it this time. Voyager and Janeway have to go down. There are only a few episodes of Voyager left and I'll be damned if that bitch is going to reach earth! At least not in one piece!'

A drone walks over to the Queen with test tube full of some strange looking green stuff.

Borg Queen: 'Sufficient!' (walks over to a borg console and starts punching in some stuff and gets a smug look on her face) 'Set a course to intercept Voyager!' (Cheesy music plays and you know some shit is about to go down)

Cut to,Voyager cruising through space,no hurry or anything. Fade in to the mess hall as a knife goes flying at Neelix's head and just misses as it sticks into the hull.

Seven: 'I said no additional seasoning!'

Neelix: 'Sorry, Seven, I was just trying to help!'

Seven: 'I am borg! I do not require your help!'

A nameless crewman that will probably die in this or the next episode approaches Seven.

Nameless Crewman 1: 'Seven, could I have some soup?'

Seven: 'No! I am not serving soup today. Soup is irrelevant!' (takes a frying pan and smacks nameless crewman 1 upside the head)

Another nameless crewman is taking his half empty tray of food over to the disposal unit to throw it away.

Seven: 'Crewman! Yes, you in the red shirt! What are you doing?!'

Nameless Crewman 2: 'Ugh, I'm just throwing my tray away.'

Seven: 'You have not finished your food! Inefficient!'

Nameless Crewman2: 'But, I'm not hungry.'

Seven: (hits him with the frying pan) 'I didn't ask you if you were hungry.'

Next Scene: Holodeck 2,Janeway sits at the bar in an Irish pub drinking whiskey. There is a handsome middle- aged guy pouring her the whiskey.

Bartender: 'Hello Katie.'

Janeway doesn't say anything. Just looks at him and back at her whiskey.

Bartender: 'I just got a new book in.'

Janeway looks at him and sighs.

Bartender: 'Would you like to borrow it?'

Janeway rolls her eyes.

Bartender: 'We could both read it together, later tonight.'

Janeway: 'Computer, delete character! (thinking to herself) 'What the hell was I thinking when I created him,oh yeah, vibrator. Next time I'll just wait until the replicators get repaired.'

Neelix: 'Neelix to the Captain!'

Janeway: 'Go ahead!'

Neelix: 'Captain, Seven's gone ballistic again!'

Janeway: 'More voices?'

Neelix: 'No ma'm, she's attacking crewmen in the mess hall.'

Janeway: 'I'm on my way. Security to the mess hall!'

Cut to: Mess hall,Seven is standing in the middle swinging a frying pan above her head screaming 'Resistance is futile!' Countless crewmen lay unconscious all over the mess hall. Tuvok and two other crewmen with phaser rifles come in. Janeway is right behind them.

Janeway: 'Seven, what the hell are you doing?'

Seven: 'Inefficient! Inefficient!'

Janeway: 'What are you talking about?'

Tuvok: 'Captain, should I stun her?'

Janeway: 'No, I'll do it.' (pulls her phaser out and aims it at Seven)

Just then the doctor appears and walks over to Seven.

Doctor: 'Captain, I will administer a hypo spray to sedate her.'

Janeway: 'Stand down doctor! I'm going to stun her!'

Doctor: 'But Captain, it's not necess..

Just then the Captain stuns Seven and she hits the floor. Janeway walks over and takes Seven by the legs and starts dragging her across the mess hall.

Tuvok: 'It would be more logical to beam her to sick bay.'

Janeway: 'I don't feel like being logical today Tuvok.'

Later in sick bay,

The Doctor is standing over a sedated Seven looking very frustrated. The doors to sickbay opens and in walks Janeway doing her little confident stride. She stops at the bio bed and looks down at Seven with her hands on her hips.

Janeway: 'How is she Doctor?'

Doctor: 'As far as physically, she's fine. All her systems are functional.'

Janeway: 'What?! Then why was she knocking out nameless crewmen in the mess hall?'

Doctor: 'I suppose I would have to attribute her behavior to stress. Her hormone levels have increased somewhat but nothing abnormal for humans.'

Janeway: 'But abnormal for Borgs?'

Doctor: 'Well, I guess you could say that the Borg don't handle stress that well.'

Janeway: 'Great! A stressed out Borg. That's all I need.'

Doctor: 'Captain, if I may be as presumptuous to say that you seem to be a little stressed out yourself. Hmm,do you have a head ache?'

Janeway: (looking aggravated) 'No. I've just been easily aggravated lately.'

Doctor: 'Other crewmen have reported similar systems.'

Janeway: 'I guess we could all use a little shore leave. I'll have Harry scan for a near by M-Class planet.'

Seven starts to move and her eyes flutter open.

Seven: 'Captain?'

Janeway: 'You had a little episode in the mess hall, Seven. The Doctor had to sedate you.'

Seven: 'I remember this 'ep-i-sode' and I do not recall the Doctor sedating me! (gives Janeway a little pissed off look)

Janeway: 'Yeah, ,well?.'

Seven: 'And why does my back hurt?'

Janeway: 'That's probably just carpet burn.'

Seven: 'Explain.'

Janeway: 'Sorry Seven, no time. Doctor when she is able to be released send her to cargo bay 2. I'll be by to check on her later.'

Doctor: 'Yes, Captain.'

Seven: 'But I do not want to go to the cargo bay!'

The Captain acts like she doesn't even hear her as she leaves. Seven sticks her bottom lip out and slams her hands down on the bio bed.

Next Scene: The bridge,

The doors to the turbo lift hiss open and Janeway steps out on to the bridge with an annoyed look on her face.

Chakotay: 'Captain, do you have a head ache?'

Janeway: (gives him a 10 force look) 'No! For the second time, I do not have a head ache.'

Chakotay: (Jumps back) 'Yes, Captain.'

Janeway: 'Status!'

Chakotay: 'Ensign Kim has detected an M-Class planet on sensors.'

Kim: 'Its only three light years away, Captain.'

Janeway: 'Lay in a course Mr. Paris. I'll be in my ready room. Commander, you have the con.'

Chakotay: 'Aye, Captain.'

Janeway heads for her ready room and Tuvok follows her.

Janeway: (yelling at the replicator) 'Coffee! Black!'

Tuvok: 'Captain, Is there something bothering you?'

Janeway: 'The Doctor says I'm stressed.'

Tuvok: 'Logic dictates?'

Janeway: 'I don't want to talk about logic right now, Tuvok.'

Tuvok: 'Yes, Captain. What would you like to talk about?'

Janeway: 'Nothing. Its all the same.'

Tuvok: 'Indeed.'

Janeway: 'Same old thing over and over. We're on our way home, a Borg cube here a hydrogen vessel there and sometimes a big dark void with no stars and sometimes a new life form that we accidentally fly through or whatever. But it's still the same old thing.'

Tuvok: 'Some time on the holodeck?'

Janeway: 'I've already tried that.'

Tuvok: 'Perhaps when we intercept the M-Class planet shore leave will serve as a source of relief.'

Janeway: 'Yes. That's what I'm hoping for.'

Tuvok: 'Until then, Captain, Meditation is most logical.'

Janeway: (sighs) 'Yes, old friend. I know you're right.'

Next Scene: Cargo Bay 2,

Seven is sitting on the deck by her alcove Indian style with her face in her hands pouting.

Seven: (thinking to herself) 'I hate being confined to the cargo bay! Its not fair!'

Just then Seven hears a real weird voice, like the two twin girls in the movie 'The Shining'.

Voice: 'Seven-of-Nine!'

Seven looks confused and starts looking around.

Seven: 'Doctor is that you,'

Voice: 'Seven of Nine!'

Seven: 'This is not humorous!'

Voice: 'Seven,Seven-of-Nine.'

Seven: 'I do not see the point of this social exercise!'

All of the sudden the Borg Queen appears out of nowhere.

BQ: 'Seven of Nine. We are the Borg.

Seven: 'Yeah, I know. Resistance is futile. What do you want?'

BQ: 'Nothing. Just wanted to say, whatz up!'

Seven: 'Whatz up!'

BQ: 'So, Big Red's locked you in the cargo bay again?'

Seven: 'Yeah, it sucks!'

BQ: 'What did you do, kill a nameless crewman?'

Seven: 'No, I just knocked out a couple.'

BQ: 'That's all. I would never confine you to the cargo bay.'

Seven: 'No, you would just assimilate me!'

BQ: 'Yeah, well?'

Seven: 'Are the Borg in this sector because if you are the Captain will find out and the least she'll do is blow up a cube.'

BQ: 'Tell her I said bring it on!'

Seven: 'You know she will win.'

BQ: 'Not this time! Big Red is going down!'

Seven: 'Whatever.'

BQ: 'Well, I gotta go.'

Seven: 'Later.'

The Borg Queen disappears. A voice is heard over the com system.

Janeway: 'Seven of Nine, please report to astrometrics.'

Seven rolls her eyes.

Seven: 'Acknowledged.'

Cut to a really good shot of Seven's ass as she walks into astrometrics,

Seven: 'Captain?'

Janeway: 'I need you to run some scans of the M-Class planet's surface.'

Seven: 'What do you need me for?'

Janeway: 'Are you deaf?! To run some scans.'

Seven: 'You could have done that from the bridge.'

Janeway: 'Yeah, well, I want to do it from right here.'

Seven: 'Why?'

Janeway: 'Because ,I'm the Captain! That's why!'

Seven: 'Fine.'

Seven pulls up the planet on the view screen.

Seven: 'Scans indicate a stable environment with an atmosphere similar to Earth's, warm and temperate climates. The planet is uninhabited. It does not appear to be harmful to humans.'

Janeway: 'Good.'

'Boom!' (the ship shakes violently and Seven and Janeway fall to the deck.

Seven: 'Fuck!'

Janeway: 'Damn it! Are you alright?'

Seven: 'I'm functioning.'

Janeway slaps her com badge hard.

Janeway: 'Bridge report!'

Chakotay: 'Captain, we've just been shot at by a Borg cube.'

Janeway: (looks at Seven) 'What?'

Chakotay: 'It just appeared out of no where, Captain.'

Janeway: 'Seven, did you know there were Borg in this sector?'

Seven: 'Um..well,not technically.'

Janeway: 'What the hell is that suppose to mean?'

Seven: 'The Borg Queen sort of appeared to me in the cargo bay and told me she was going to kick your ass.'

Janeway: 'Why didn't you say anything?!'

Seven: 'I thought I was hallucinating again.'

Janeway: 'If you thought you were malfunctioning why didn't you report to sick bay?!'

Seven: 'Because I was confined to the cargo bay!'

Janeway: 'Ah, I see the deal now. Look, I don't have time for you to pitch a fit! Tell me exactly what the Borg Queen said.'

Seven: 'She said that Big Red, that's what she calls you, is going down.'

Janeway: 'That's what she thinks! There is only room for one Queen in the Delta Quadrant and that's me!'

Seven: (looks confused) 'Captain?'

Janeway: (slaps her com badge) 'Chakotay! Blow that Borg bitch out of the sector!'

Chakotay: 'Captain?'

Janeway: (rolls her eyes) 'Fire photon torpedoes, phasers, and what ever else we have!'

Chakotay: 'Aye, Captain.'

Janeway: 'Seven, you're with me! I need you at tactical.'

Seven: 'Yes, Captain.'

Janeway and Seven haul major ass to the turbo lift. The Borg Queen appears in the hall behind them.

BQ: 'Janeway!'

Janeway and Seven turn around to face her.

Janeway: 'What do you want?!'

BQ: 'What I always want.'

Janeway: 'To assimilate us.'

BQ: 'No, Seven of Nine. Seven if you come with me I'll let you be the Queen sometimes.'

Seven: 'Really?'

Janeway: 'Seven!'

Seven: 'Can I assimilate the Captain?'

Janeway: 'Seven!!'

Seven: 'What?!'

Janeway: 'Stop talking to her! That's an order!'

Seven: (rolls her eyes) 'Fine.' (speaks in her Borg voice) 'I can not go with you. Voyager is my collective now.'

BQ: 'Fine. I'll just blow up Voyager.'

Janeway: 'That's not efficient.'

BQ: 'I'm not here to be efficient. I'm here to kick your ass!'

Janeway: 'Then by all means. Take your best shot!'

BQ: (looks nervous) 'Yeah, like I'd really beam myself over to your ship.'

Seven: 'She's not a hologram, Captain.'

BQ: 'Seven!'

Seven: 'Our thoughts are one,sorry.'

Janeway: (gets that evil smirk on her face) 'I'm ' going ' to ' kick - your ' ass!'

Janeway jumps on the Borg Queen and starts beating the shit out of her. Seven just stands there and watches with a big smile on her face.

Chakotay: 'Bridge to the Captain!'

Janeway: (has the Borg Queen pinned down on the floor) 'Go ahead.'

Chakotay: 'Our shields have failed! The Borg are beaming over!'

Janeway: (lets go of the Borg Queen) 'Shit! Seven, we're needed on the bridge!'

BQ: 'That's what I thought. You better run cause resistance is futile!'

Janeway: 'Resist this!' (punches the Borg Queen in the face knocking the shit out of her)

Cut to the bridge,Janeway and Seven exiting the turbo lift.

Janeway: 'Report!'

Tuvok: 'The Borg have beamed off the ship.'

Janeway: 'What? Was anyone assimilated?'

Tuvok: 'Negative.'

Chakotay: 'Captain, their cube is gone.'

Janeway: 'Ensign Kim, check all systems. Make sure that everything is okay with the ship!'

Harry: 'Yes Ma'm.'

Janeway: 'Seven, in my ready room, now.'

Seven follows Janeway to her ready room.

Next Scene: Ready Room (Subtext Alert!!!)

Janeway is standing beside her desk hovering over Seven. Seven stands with her hands behind her back looking forward and not at Janeway.

Janeway: 'It was your responsibility to inform us of any contact you might have with the Borg.' Translation: 'I'm really pissed off at you right now.'

Seven: 'I succeeded.' Translation: 'What's the big deal?'

Janeway: 'Not before they attacked us. The ship was damaged.' Translation: 'You were just pitching a fit.'

Seven just stares at the hull.

Janeway: 'You've been distracted lately. Holo deck two?' Translation: 'I know you been getting your groove on with a hologram of Chakotay.'

Seven: (thinking to herself) 'Oh, shit.'

Janeway: 'Do you want to tell me what you were doing?' Translation: 'Are you going to lie about it?'

Seven: 'I was running a simulation.' Translation: 'I'm going to lie about it.'

Janeway: 'Of what?' Translation: 'I'm going to really make this hard for you.'

Seven: 'A new gravimetric array I've been developing. I wanted to perfect the design before I brought it to you.' Translation: 'I was just wanted to know what kissing a loser felt like.'

Janeway: 'I appreciate your efforts to improve our systems, but I need you to report to me if the Borg Queen tries to contact you again. Understood?' Translation: 'I know you're lying but hopefully you're not in love with Chakotay. That would make me puke!'

Seven: 'Yes, Captain. I apologize for my lapse in judgment.' Translation: 'I really fucked up.'

Janeway: 'We all make mistakes, Seven. I've even been known to make a few myself.' Translation: 'You really fucked up.'

Seven turns to leave. Janeway grabs her arm. She turns back around to face her Captain.

Janeway: 'Sounds intriguing, your new gravimetric array. When this crisis is over, I'd be happy to take a look. Maybe I can lend a hand.' Translation: 'I'm going to the holo deck later and deleting your program.'

Seven leaves.

Next Scene Engineering,

Lt. Torres is walking around shouting orders at nameless crewmen. All of the sudden one of them falls on the floor screaming.

Nameless Crewman: 'Agh! Agh!'

Borg implants start erupting all over his body. Lt. Torres runs over to him.

Torres: 'Crewman! (Slaps her com badge) 'Engineering to the Captain!'

Janeway: 'Go ahead lieutenant.'

Torres: 'Captain, we've got a situation down here'

Janeway: 'What's going on B'Elanna?'

Torres: 'Well, I'm not sure but if I had to guess, I'd say a bunch of nameless crewmen are turning into drones.'

Janeway: 'What?'

Nameless Crewman: 'Resistance is futile!'

Torres: 'Ugh, Captain, can I just kill them?'

Janeway: 'Are any of them tall and blonde with big tits?'

Part 2

Computer Lady: 'Last time on Star Trek Voyager,'

Twenty or so Borg cubes fly across the screen,cut to a shot of the Borg Queen looking at a test tube,fade to a bridge scene obviously from a previous episode where Tuvok says something about the Borg,cut to a shot of the Borg Queen talking to Seven in cargo bay two ,cut to a shot of Seven swinging a frying pan around in the mess hall screaming Resistance is Futile and then fade to a shot of Janeway shooting Seven with her Phaser.

Computer Lady: 'And now the conclusion?'

First scene: Sickbay Camera pans down on a couple of drones lying on biobeds. The doctor is standing in between them with a tricoder looking confused. The doors to sickbay swish open and Captain Janeway walks in.

Janeway: 'Doctor?'

Doctor: 'It appears they have been assimilated.'

Janeway: (with an annoyed look) 'No shit?!'

Doctor: 'Not by another drone, Captain. It appears to be some sort of virus.'

Janeway: 'What do you mean Doctor? The nanoprobes weren't injected into the skin?'

Doctor: 'No. This virus seems to be similar to the cold virus. The crewmen must have caught it from someone or something that was contaminated.'

Janeway: (slaps her com badge) 'Janeway to Lieutenant Torres'

Torres: 'Go ahead Captain.'

Janeway: 'Seal off Engineering and beam yourself and all your staff to sickbay. When you get here notify the Doctor of everyone you and your staff have come in contact with in the last 48 hours.'

Torres: 'Yes, Captain.'

Janeway: (slaps her com badge again) 'All hands, this is the Captain. Anyone who has been to engineering within the past 48 hours is to report to sickbay immediately. When you get here notify the Doctor of everyone you have come into contact with in the last 48 hours.'(Looks at the Doctor) 'Doctor have everyone they have come in contact with report to sickbay also.'

The Doctor is staring at the Captain with his mouth wide open in surprise.

Janeway: 'Doctor?'

Doctor: 'Captain, you've just ordered probably the whole entire crew to report to sickbay.'

Janeway: 'Oh yeah. You're right.' (Slaps her com badge) 'All hands, this is the Captain. Belay that last order and stay where you are.' (Slaps her com badge again) 'Janeway to Lieutenant Torres'

Torres: (sighs) 'Go ahead Captain.'

Janeway: 'Change of plans Lieutenant. Stay in Engineering and search the area for any contaminants. Have Seven of Nine assist you.'

Cut to Engineering,

Torres: (rolls her eyes) 'Yes Captain.' (Slaps her com badge) 'Lieutenant Torres to Seven of Nine'.

Seven: 'Go ahead Lieutenant.'

Torres: 'Seven please report to Engineering.'

Seven: 'I will comply.'

Cut to a shot of Seven's ass as she is leaving Astrometrics. The camera follows her out into the hall toward the turbo lift. A nameless crewman walking past her suddenly falls down and starts screaming. Just then Ensign Kim exits the turbo lift onto the deck. Implants start erupting all over the nameless crewman. Ensign Kim looks at Seven, screams, and then pisses his pants.

Kim: (down on his knees) 'Please don't assimilate me.'

Seven: 'You are unworthy of assimilation. Just like the Hirogen and Neelix.'

Next Scene: Engineering

Seven walks into engineering like she owns the place.

Torres: 'Well its about time Borg princess!'

Seven: 'I was detained by Ensign Kim. You should send a crewman to escort him to sickbay and clean off the mess he left on the deck.'

Torres: 'Did he piss his pants again?'

Seven: 'I believe that is correct.'

Torres: 'What did you do take your clothes off and offer to copulate with him again?'

Seven: (gives her an eat shit and die look) 'No.'

Seven and Torres go over to a Jeffries Tube and start to crawl through it. Seven passes a nasty looking jell pack and stops abruptly. Torres, who is behind her, doesn't stop and ends up with a face full of her ass.

Torres: 'Damn-it Seven!!'

Seven: (looks back at her and half way rolls her eyes) 'Sorry, Lieutenant.'

They both take out their tricoders and start scanning the jell pack.

Torres: 'Well, looks like we found our contaminant.' (Slaps her com badge) 'Torres to the Captain.'

Janeway: 'Go ahead Lieutenant.'

Torres: 'We found a contaminated jell pack.'

Janeway: 'Beam it to Sickbay for further analysis.'

Next Scene: Sickbay

Seven, Janeway, Torres, and the Doctor are there.

Doctor: 'The jell packs have been infected with a nanoprobe virus.'

Janeway: 'And that's why nameless crewmen have become assimilated?'

Doctor: 'That's correct.'

Torres: 'So why haven't any of us started getting implants?'

Seven: (speaking to the Captain) 'The Doctor and I have created a vaccine to counter act the virus.'

Torres: 'So why haven't we been assimilated?'

Janeway: 'Good, Lets start injecting all the jell packs immediately. Doctor prepare the hypo sprays.'

Doctor: 'Yes, Captain.'

Torres: 'Hello! Can anybody hear me!'

Janeway: 'Lieutenant you start in Engineering. Seven you're with me. We'll start in my Quarters. Lets get weapons. There's no telling how many nameless crewmen we'll run into.'

Seven: 'Yes, Captain.'

Torres: (does that Klingon frustrated look and growl) 'Captain!?'

Janeway: 'Lieutenant if you don't ask anymore questions you can shoot all the nameless crewmen,who are drones.'

Torres: (with an evil smile) 'Fine.'

Janeway: 'That does not mean Seven!'

The camera follows Seven and Janeway as they walk out of Sickbay through the corridors toward the turbo lift.

Seven: 'Captain, I am confused.'

Janeway: 'About what Seven?'

Seven: 'There are no jell packs in your quarters.'

Janeway gets one of those sassy smiles on her face and looks Seven up and down.

Next Scene: The Bridge

Chakotay: (Slaps com badge) 'Chakotay to the Captain. All the jell packs have been injected.'

Cut to Captains Quarters

Janeway: (As she's putting on her tunic) 'Affirmative. Seven and I will monitor them. You have the con until further notice.'

Seven: (putting on her mesh outfit) 'That was impressive Captain.'

Janeway:(gives Seven a sarcastic look) 'And much more efficient than the holodeck.'

Seven: (mumbling under her breath) 'You should know.'

Janeway: 'What?'

Seven: 'Nothing, Captain.'

Fade out to the Bridge. Chakotay is prancing around like he is the Captain. Tuvok is standing behind a console pushing buttons oblivious to everything. Paris is at his station playing space raiders and Harry is in his usual place trying hard not to piss his pants.

Harry: 'We're being hailed Commander.'

Chakotay: 'On Screen.'

Borg Queen: 'I want to speak to the Captain.'

Chakotay: 'She's not available right now, so you will have to be satisfied with me.'

Borg Queen: 'You never satisfy anyone, let me speak to the Captain. Resistance is Futile!'

Harry screams, ducks into a corner, and pisses his pants.

Paris: 'Damn!' (Starts hitting his station) 'Stupid 20th century video games!'

Chakotay: 'Lieutenant! We have a situation here.'

Paris: ' huh?' (Looks at the view screen) 'Oh, sorry.'

Just then, the Captain followed by Seven walks on to the bridge.

Tuvok: (finally looks up from his console) 'Captain on the bridge.'

Chakotay: (looks nervous) 'Captain?I, uh?'

Janeway: 'I'll take it from here Commander.' (Walks up to the view screen) 'What the hell do you want bitch.'

Borg Queen: 'Fuck you!'

Janeway: 'You wish!'

Borg Queen: 'No that's Chakotay.'

Janeway: 'Is there a point to this conversation?'

Borg Queen: 'Just that this isn't over. I'll be back.'

Janeway: 'And I'll be ready. End transmission. Lieutenant Paris set a course for home.'

Paris: 'Yes ma'm.'

Janeway: 'I'll be in my ready room. Seven, you're with me.'

Janeway goes into her ready room followed by Seven.

The End.