Disclaimer: The characters of Star Trek Voyager belong to Paramount not to me ('cause if they did, on the show Janeway would have already stuck her tongue down Seven's throat!)

Warnings: strong language, some suggestive J/7 subtext, and various crazy stuff

Notes: My spelling sucks and my Star Trek terminology is not the best but I try. I've renamed the characters for humorous affect. Well?. I think its funny anyhow.

Characters:

'Captain Painway: Captain Janeway
'Commander Tulock: Commander Tuvok
'Commander Notsomuchy: Commander Chakotay
'Chief Engineer Youwanna Boreus: Chief Engineer B'Elanna Torres
'Lieutenant Tim Careless: Lieutenant Tom Paris
'Ensign Perry Wimp: Ensign Harry Kim
'Heaven of Mine: Seven of Nine
'The AMH (annoying medical hologram) or 'The Monster': the EMH or 'The Doctor'
'Pestka: Seska
'Clueless: Neelix

Title: 'MINDLESS' by Gabby5

Story Setup: This story is basically a parody of the episodes 'Timeless', 'Fury', and 'Shattered'. It might get a little crazy but its all good to me!

Intro:

Everyone is in Engineering drinking replicated champagne and beer. The place is all decorated up with streamers and glitter. It kind of looks like a 70s disco club minus the mirror ball. Captain Painway is standing beside the warp core with an unopened bottle of champagne.

Painway: 'Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the new slip stream warp core!' she breaks the bottle on the warp core

Everyone cheers and looks totally slammed.

Tulock: 'Captain, It was not logical to waste that bottle of champagne.'

Painway: 'Sure it was commander'

Tulock: 'How so?'

Painway: 'It was a cheap bottle of champagne.' (And we have our first cheesy Janeway joke) Tulock looks confused and is about to say something boring 'Never mind Tulock. Lets find Clueless. I'm hungry!'

Youwanna Boreus is walking through Engineering looking at everyone, shaking her head.

Youwanna: (thinking to herself) 'I hope Captain Bitch Face doesn't expect me to clean up all this shit!'

Across the room Heaven of Mine is swaying back and forth as she is attempting to walk toward Youwanna. Heaven walks right into her and almost knocks her down.

Heaven of Mine: (slurring) 'Excluse me, Lieutenant? Have you sleen the Monster? My coordination is not laccurant??.my ocular implant lust be malfunctioning.'

Youwanna: 'No, I haven't seen him Heaven. Maybe you should check one of the escape pods.'

Heaven of Mine: 'Slank lou lieutenant. I will comply.'

Youwanna: 'Be sure to press the launch button while you're in there Heaven.'

On the other end of the room Painway is standing with Clueless. She notices that Heaven is staggering out of Engineering. She quickly munches down the last of the appetizers on Clueless's tray and follows Heaven. Youwanna Boreus walks up to a console and starts punching in stuff. Commander Notsomuchy is talking with other nameless crewman and notices Youwanna. He walks over to Tim Careless, who is turning up a bottle of champagne.

Notsomuchy: 'Tim, what's going on with Youwanna?'

Careless, not realizing the commander was there until he said something spills some champagne down his uniform.

Careless: 'Shit! Sorry commander what'd you say?'

Notsomuchy: 'Youwanna?'

Careless: (looks over at Youwanna) Oh, its probably just some Klingon thing she's going through.'

Notsomuchy walks over to Youwanna.

Notsomuchy: 'Problem Lieutenant?'

Youwanna: 'No commander. I'm just recalibrating these slip stream equations.'

Notsomuchy: 'This is supposed to be a party, Youwanna. Lighten up.'

Youwanna shoots him one of those klingon 'how about I rip your head off and shove it up your ass' glances.

Youwanna: (half heartedly) 'Alright, Notsomuchy.'

Notsomuchy: 'That's an order Lieutenant.'

Youwanna: (thinking to herself) 'Oh well. I guess I should make the best of it. Of course this slipstream crap will never work. Nothing ever does. We'll be stuck in the Delta Quadrant forever.' (looks at Tim Careless) 'Its better to be stoned in the Delta Quadrant than sober though. I wonder if Clueless has any opium stashed in a cargo bay somewhere?'

Meanwhile in a distinct secluded area of the ship??. Captain Painway is standing outside an escape pod putting her uniform back on. From within the pod a voice is heard.

Heaven of Mine: 'Captain, I can't find my com badge.'

Captain Painway looks down and finds that she has two com badges on her uniform.

Painway: 'Here it is Heaven.'

Heaven of mine stumbles out of the escape pod totally butt naked with her hair all mused about her face.

Heaven of Mine: 'Thank you Captain.'

Just then Tulock's voice is heard over the com system.

Tulock: 'This is the chief of security. Senior staff to the bridge.'

Painway: 'Damn!'

Heaven of Mine: 'I should report to astrometrics, Captain.' She walks toward the door with nothing but her com badge on.

Painway: 'Heaven, Don't you think you're forgetting something.'

Heaven looks down and sees she is wearing nothing.

Heaven of Mine: 'Shit!'

Later on the bridge???

Ensign Wimp is the first to arrive.

Perry Wimp: 'What's going on Tulock?'

Tulock: 'Sensors are picking up something.'

Just then the rest of the bridge crew comes in. Lt. Careless is still holding a bottle of champagne. The Captain is the last one to enter.

Painway: 'Status!'

Notsomuchy: 'It seems sensors have detected a strange anomaly headed for us.

Painway: 'On screen!'

A big Pepto Bismal pink lightning cloud is seen on the screen.

Painway: 'Painway to astrometrics!'

Heaven of Mine: 'Go ahead Captain.'

Painway: 'We've detected a strange anomaly, Heaven. Run some scans and see if you find anything unusual.'

Heaven of Mine: 'Understood!'

10 seconds later

Heaven of Mine: 'Captain it appears to be some sort of temporal distortion wave. It's on a collision course with us. Expected impact 7.9 seconds.'

Painway: 'Mr. Careless, full reverse thrusters!'

Careless: 'I can't get away from it Captain!'

Painway: 'Raise shields! All hands, red alert! Brace for impact!'

Notsomuchy gets that 'oh shit look' while Ensign Wimp pisses his pants. The pink cloud moves right through them?? nothing happens.

Everyone looks confused.

Painway: 'Tulock, any damage?'

Tulock: 'Negative, Captain. All systems are functional.'

Just then a big boom is heard and everyone slams into the deck floor.

Painway: 'What the hell was that?!'

Heaven of Mine: 'Heaven of Mine to the Captain.'

Painway: 'Go ahead, Heaven.'

Heaven of Mine: 'Captain, there is a short older blonde woman walking through the halls blowing up stuff.'

Perry Wimp: 'Captain, I'm detecting hull breaches on decks 7 through 9.'

Painway: 'Where is she now, Heaven?!'

Heaven of Mine: 'On her way to engineering.'

Youwanna: 'Boreus to the bridge!'

Painway: 'What's going on down there lieutenant?!'

Youwanna: 'Captain, Kes is here and she looks really pissed off!'

Painway: 'Heaven meet me down in Engineering.'

Heaven of Mine: 'Yes, Captain.'

In engineering, Kes is blowing up consoles while Youwanna looks at her wide eyed with her mouth hanging open. Back on the bridge Painway is headed toward the turbolift, her hair is now styled in the dreaded bun.

Painway: (looks at Tulock) 'Mr. Tulock, you have the bridge!'

Notsomuchy: (in a surprised voice) 'Captain what about me?!'

Painway: 'Who the hell are you?!'

Back in engineering, Kes is still blowing up consoles along with nameless expendable crewmembers.

Youwanna: 'Kes! What's wrong with you?!'

Kes: 'What's wrong with me! I'm surprised you even remember my name! After I turned into energy and disappeared did anyone come looking for me? No! I mean, I send you ass-holes half way across the Delta Quadrant and you don't even thank me for it! One blonde, big boobed Borg and I'm nothing to you people!! God wasn't it bad enough that I was Clueless's girlfriend once! No, I have to get replaced by some skinny Borg bitch!!'

Youwanna: 'uh?Okay.'

Kes walks over to the warp core and hugs it. Her eyes start to blink rapidly like the possessed girl in 'The Exorcist'.

Youwanna: 'Captain, she's fucking with the warp core!'

Painway: (Walking down a hall somewhere on the ship.) 'I'm on my way lieutenant.'

Youwanna: (starts looking around at how big a mess engineering is and gets pissed) 'Damn-it Kes! It'll take me two days to clean up this shit!

Youwanna takes her phaser out and shoots Kes with it. It has not effect! The warp core starts making all these hissing sounds.

Computer: 'Warp core breach in 7 minutes.'

Youwanna starts working on the only console left in engineering.

Youwanna : 'Great! Just fucking great!'

The doors to engineering open and in walks 6 foot of gorgeous blonde Borg with a great big phaser rifle tucked under her arm locked and loaded!

Heaven of Mine: 'I am Borg! Resistance is futile?..err I mean step away from the warp core or I will shoot you!'

Kes stops blinking her eyes and looks up at Heaven.

Kes: 'Fuck you!' (she starts blinking her eyes again and foam starts coming out of her mouth)

Heaven starts to walk down the steps toward the warp core when she trips and her phaser falls and goes off shooting Youwanna.

Heaven of Mine: 'Shit! That wasn't supposed to happen!'

Just then Captain Painway walks into engineering.

Painway: (sees Youwanna lying next to the console) 'Heaven, What happened?!'

Heaven of Mine: 'Ugh..Kes killed Youwanna.'

Painway: 'Okay Kes. Step away from the warp core!'

Kes: (looks up at Painway) 'Fuck you!'

Painway: 'God damn-it Kes! Don't make me get Tulock down here!'

Kes ignores her.

Painway puts her hands on her hips and starts pacing back and forth.

Painway: 'Any ideas, Heaven?'

Heaven of Mine: 'I could assimilate her, Captain!'

Painway: 'No, there could be another way.'

Heaven of Mine: 'Yeah, or I could assimilate her.'

Painway: 'I said no Heaven!'

Heaven looks like she is about to throw a big hissy fit.

Back on the bridge everyone is just chilling out waiting for the Captain to come back when all of the sudden Pestka busts in with a couple of Kazon shooting everyone with phasers. Except, of course, Notsomuchy.

Notsomuchy: 'Where the hell did you come from?!'

Pestka: 'That doesn't matter! Be my sex slave or die where you stand!'

Notsomuchy: 'Ugh, I think I'll go with sex slave.'

Back in engineering Heaven is rolling around on the floor and screaming.

Heaven of Mine: 'I want to assimilate her! I want to assimilate her!!'

Painway: (ignoring Heaven) 'Maybe the Monster can talk to Kes. Painway to the Monster.'

Monster: 'Go ahead Captain.'

Painway: 'Monster, I require your assistance in engineering.'

The Monster appears in engineering and steps over Heaven who is still rolling around on the floor.

Monster: 'Captain, what is the problem?'

Painway: (points at Kes) 'That's the problem.'

Monster: 'Kes, what are you doing?!'

Kes ignores him.

Monster: 'Kes, respond!'

Kes: 'Fuck you!'

Monster: (mouth drops open in shock) 'Kes, I can't believe you would speak to me like that! Of all the things to say to me, I mean I thought we were friends?.

Painway grabs the mobile emitter off the Monster and he disappears.

Heaven: (looking up from the floor) 'Captain?'

Painway: 'I got sick of listening to him and you pitching a fit. One of you had to go.'

Computer: 'Warp core breach in 9 seconds.'

Painway: 'Damn-it Kes. Come on!!'

Heaven of Mine: 'Captain, I'm receiving instructions through my neural transmitter.'

Painway: 'Does anyone on board know how to access your neural transmitter?'

Heaven of Mine: 'No.'

Painway: 'Someone must have found a way. Do it!'

Heaven goes over to the console and kicks Youwanna's body out of the way. She starts punching in stuff. Lightning bolts start coming out of the warp core and shock the shit out of Kes.

Back on the bridge Pestka and the Kazon disappear and everyone starts getting up. Except Notsomuchy who is tied to the Captain's chair with leather straps wearing nothing but a spiked dog collar. Painway, whose hair is not in a bun anymore, and Heaven enter the bridge.

Painway: (looking at Notsomuchy) 'What the hell happened to you!'

Notsomuchy tries to speak but there is a gag in his mouth.

Painway: 'Never mind. (looking around at everyone) 'Who sent instructions to shut down the warp core breach to Heaven's neural transmitter?'

Tulock: 'We were all stunned by Pestka Captain.'

Careless: 'And Notsomuchy was?tied up.'

Painway: 'Heaven, have you been hearing voices again?'

Heaven of Mine: (is looking at Ensign Wimp's pants and wondering how they got so wet) 'No, Captain.'

Everyone has a confused look on their face.

Painway: 'Oh well, at least our asses were saved. (looks disgustingly at Notsomuchy) Someone get the commander out of my chair!'

Later that night in the Captain's quarters?..

Painway: 'Captain's log star date 7979. The problem with Kes has been solved. We have sent her back to her home. (Heaven's voice is heard in the background)

Heaven of Mine: 'But I wanted to assimilate her Captain!!'

Painway: 'Damn-it Heaven! I said no! Now be a good Borg and take your boisuit off.'

The End