Letters Home
To: Phoebe Janeway
C/O Gretchen Janeway
From: Capt. Kathryn Janeway
USS Voyager.
Hey Sis…
I hope you don’t mind if I send these to you in care of Mother, as I’m not sure where you’ll be when or if these finally get delivered.
How are things going with you? We’ve had a rough time of it so far, and I’m not sure how the rest of the trip home will be.
I do know that I have the best crew in the entire Delta Quadrant… make that any quadrant.
I should let you know about some of my crew as I’ll most likely mention them from time to time…
First, there’s Commander Chakotay…
And then finally there’s Kes.
I think you two would get along so well.
Pheeb, I care for all of my crew, they depend on me as much as I depend on them. But, Kes, is different.
She’s what’s called an Ocampa.
They have a very limited life span, only nine short years and I find myself wishing there was something I could do… something that would extend this gentle soul more time.
More time to laugh, to live, to learn, to love.
She’s a wonderful person and I find it a joy to speak with her when I have the chance.
I’ve got to end this here, I’m needed on the bridge.
Give my love to everyone,
Kathryn.
To: Phoebe Janeway
From: Kathryn Janeway
Pheeb…
I’m not sure if I can say this and really comprehend the words.
Kes…
Dear sweet Kes…
Is
Gone.
You have no idea how much it hurts.
I feel as if I’ve lost a part of me that I can never get back.
She was with us for such a brief period of time, but she made being out here bareable.
I can only imagine… how both Tom and Nelix are feeling right now.
They’ve both lost someone very important to them.
But, she’s not dead…
I have to keep reminding myself of that fact.
Simply have to remind myself of that.
She’s not dead, she’s not.
She’s evolved… into a higher life form. And because of that, we’re 10,000 light years closer to home than we were before.
Yet…
I’m going to miss her Pheeb.
So much…
I’m not going to cry, I’m not.
She wouldn’t want me to. She’d probably want me to be happy for her. I can’t mourn her loss – I’ll leave that to Tom, Nelix and the others.
I have to have a brave face – show them all that I’m stronger than this pain…
I still have her with me, right here and as long as I remember her, she’ll never truly be gone.
I don’t know how we’re going to cope with the immense loss…
I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’ll be right back.
“Computer pause…”
I’m back. You might find this an interesting footnote to this sad day. We’ve picked up a new crew member.
Seven Of Nine.
She is… or rather was a Borg drone. Close your mouth… No, I’m not crazy and don’t even think about taking me to the nearest medical facility to have me checked out when I get home.
I struck a deal with the Borg.
Even now, saying that out loud send shivers down my spine. It’s a deal I hope won’t come back to haunt me.
Sevn of Nine is very stubborn… telling me… not asking me mind you, but telling me to return her back to the collective.
I can’t do that Pheeb.
There’s… there’s something about her. I can’t send her back to that existence.
She needs a chance to see what life has to offer her, and I’ll do what I have to, to see that it happens.
And no…
I’m not substituting her for Kes.
I promise I’ll try to write more, but you know me. Time waits for no one, not even the Captain.
Give my love to Mom, Mark and the others.
Kate.
Hi Pheeb,
I’ll make this quick, I’ve got a letter from Mark and I can’t wait to read it. I’ll let you know all about it when I finish it.
I can only say that the method used in receiving the letters; as there are more than one, was a God send for me and my crew.
We’ve all wondered what people had thought about us, if our loved ones had given up on us…
This is a small miracle that will surely boost the morale on the ship.
I’ll talk to you later…
Kate.
Pheeb…
Well…
It’s later.
And you probably all ready knew what the letter said.
So…
Marks’ married.
It’s odd – strange if you will, hearing myself say those words out loud.
It’s even stranger that I’m not that upset over the whole thing.
Not really.
Of course I was hurt… I wouldn’t be human…
Knock off with the wise cracks Pheeb.
I thought it might come down to this.
After all… no one really knew if we were dead or alive. But I think I held on to the notion that there was someone back home, besides you and Mother waiting for me.
“Captain Janeway…”
“Computer pause.”
“Resume recording.”
Seven’s requesting my presence in Cargo Bay Two. I’ll have to let you know more about our resident ex—Borg in my next letter.
Kate.
Pheeb…
My how time flies when you’re avoiding near death out here.
Over the last few years, we’ve had some strange things happen to us. Some so incredible that had I not actually experienced them first hand would have difficulty beliving they occured.
Let me get to the point.
Annika became a mother.
You know… Seven.
Come on, you remember. I wrote to you about the discovery of the Raven and her parents, and her human designation as she calls it.
Anyway… she became a mom. Seven, as she still wishes to be called, became a mother due to a merging of her Borg technologies and the Doctor’s holo–emitter.
It’s a long story, one that will have to wait until I can tell you face to face.
Well, it’s a boy!!
Oh, Pheeb, I wish I could adequately tell you how this has changed her. I don’t think she even realizes it yet.
She’s just left with One, that’s his name, he chose it himself.
He’s quite delightful…
Seven may not want to admit it, but I think she rather likes being a mom. She’s very good at it… of course she still puts on a brave front, as if it doesn’t matter.
Don’t let that fool you, she’s proud of his accomplishments, and takes the time to tell me about them.
I don’t know Pheeb, but I feel that we; Seven and I, we’ve grown closer these past few months.
She’s made me look at things in a whole new way. I do believe one day the student will surpass the teacher.
“RED ALERT… CAPTAIN TO THE BRIDGE!”
Hey, I’ve got to go… we’ve got company…
The Borg.
Love you…
Kate.
He’s gone.
One… is dead.
He sacrificed himself for us, his collective.
Seven is devastated.
There was nothing the Doctor could do to save him… that’s not really true, One would not allow it.
He knew that if the Borg had become aware of his existence we would be in constant danger.
He wouldn’t put us through that, so he placed a force field around himself, and no matter how much Seven pleaded with him to “Comply!”, he would not.
He didn’t drop the force field.
He… let himself die.
I waited a few hours before I went looking for Seven. I know, I should have been with her, sometimes… sometimes these pips…
I found her in Cargo Bay Two.
We sat there on the steps of her alcove in silence… until the the tears came.
I placed my arm around her shoulders and drew her to me. I held her as she cried.
I whispered to her that the pain would get easier, not at first, but one day she’d be able to look back and not be overcome with grief.
She found that very hard to believe.
I’ve lost crewmembers during our quest to get home… I’ve handled the pain I’ve felt each time we’ve lost a member of our family, that’s what we’ve become…
What we are…
A family.
But I’ve never felt a loss as deep as this, not since Kes.
I can’t talk about this anymore…
I can’t afford to…
Maybe when we get home…
Maybe.
Kate.
Hey…
It’s been awhile, I know, I know, I should write more, I will.
I have some news concerning Seven…
She went on her first date, and I missed it, I was called away to attend some boring diplomatic function. I heard about it from her later.
To tell you the truth, I’m not sure exactly how I feel about the concept of her dating anyone. I’m not saying that if she found someone on board that she chose to become involved with that I would do anything to stop it…
It just feels funny.
I won’t go into how livid I was when I found out that both the Doctor and Tom had made a bet concerning Seven's date.
If I could have thrown them both out of the air–lock, I would have.
Anyway, the date didn’t turn out the way it should have. Now, I’m not sure if she’ll ever consider trying it again. I mean just because she accidentally injured her date is no reason to not to try again.
You know, it’s a shame people don’t know her like I do. She’s has a wicked sense of humor. Sometimes it is so dry… it rivals Tuvok. And you know him. I’ll say no more.
Did you know she has the most wonderful singing voice I’ve heard in a long time? Of course you wouldn’t, you haven’t heard her.
Pheeb…
I have to confess something…
Damn it…
Not again.
Love you,
Kat.
P…
This can’t be happening. Seven’s gone back to the Borg. We were trying to get a piece of equipment that would have helped us get back to the Alpha Quadrant sooner from a disabled Borg vessel.
I took a small team…
We got the piece… but she stayed behind.
I had to leave her. It was either that or risk the safety of my ship and crew. Oh… but I’m not going to let her get away. I’ve got some ideas… they have to work.
I…
We… the ship can not afford to lose her.
Not now…
Not ever.
If I don’t make it, take care of Molly for me.
Mom… I love you.
See you Pheeb.
Kathryn Janeway.
Captain, USS VOYAGER
Pheeb…
We made it.
You don’t know how much I hoped to be able to record those few precious words. As I look back over the events with time as my companion, I’ve realized something.
The entire mission; to get Seven back from the Borg Queen, could have gone horribly wrong. I’m not sure right at this moment, if I did this just to rescue a crew member, in as much as rescue someone I’ve grown closer to.
That scares me Pheeb.
It scares me, how much I feel for this person. I never intended to fall… in love.
Not me.
Not Kathryn Janeway.
I can almost hear you saying:
‘Why not you?.’
I never gave it much thought. Not until I had to leave her behind. It felt as if half of my soul had been ripped out.
No, I haven’t told her yet.
I don’t have the courage to say the words my heart has been shouting, I’ve just been too deaf to hear them. What if she doesn’t feel the same?
How can I leave myself open to rejection? By the same token, how will I ever know?
I’ve got to think about this.
Take care, my love to Mother.
Yours,
Kate.
Hey…
Um… I’m in my quarters as you can see. Now… before you ask. I’m… I’m fine.
I… ah… had a conversation with Seven earlier. We’ve been having these late night talks for the last month now. We talk about everything… almost everything.
She surprised the Hell out of me.
She told me out of the blue:
‘Captain… I have feelings for you…’
To say I was floored is putting it mildly. I wasn’t sure how to react.
My heart was all over the place, as if it were jumping for joy. I just nodded my head and said:
‘Really?’
‘Yes,’ she replied.
She went on to ask me if I had feelings for her. I told her Pheeb… I told her I did have/had feelings for her, but that I wasn’t quite sure what they were.
In other words…
I lied.
But what happened next wasn’t something I was prepared for.
She told me:
‘I do not wish to have the conversation I feel we are about to have…’
My heart dropped…
She asked me… to paraphrase:
‘Would I tell her the truth about how I felt if she were to tell me someone on board had approached her, and was interested in dating her&hllip;’
She wanted to know if it would hurt me if she went out with this other person. I couldn’t answer right away. I wasn’t sure how to answer. So, I thought about it.
‘Yes… it would.’
So she calmly states:
‘I see, then I shall not pursue…’
I had to stop her Pheeb, I couldn’t let her finish.
‘Seven,’ I said. ‘I can’t let you do that. I can’t let you let an opportunity to be happy go by.’
How could I Pheeb…?
What right did I have?
So I said:
‘Seven… I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never even contemplated saying to another woman before…’
She just looked at me, waiting.
‘I love you enough… as a friend to…’
Come on Pheeb, what else was I supposed to say? ‘No… I don’t want you to do this?’
What kind of person would that make me? Can you tell me? Do you have any idea how hard it was to say that without breaking down in front of her?
Shall I tell you that almost every morning for the past month, she’s left a note in my ready room letting me know that she hopes my day goes well?
That she misses our times together when we can’t talk? How she lets me know that she enjoys our velocity matches… The time we spend with the Maestro.
Damn it…
I told myself I wasn’t going to cry. I wasn’t going to throw that back in her face. I want her to be happy.
I…
I just thought it might be with me.
We talked.
She knows I will never stop being her friend. She told me, that if it hadn’t been for me, she would have never known what if felt like to care for someone.
Then she told me… wait, why don’t I let you listen. I didn’t know at the time, but I had activated a data padd…
‘I only wish to explore the possibility Kathryn. To see if someone else can make me feel the way I do for you. It is a daunting proposition, but one I feel I must undertake. It would be a disservice to both of us if I always wondered… what if? I cannot do that to you Kathryn, nor can I do that to myself. I hope you understand?
Then she kissed me and left.
I can only pray that she’s happy no matter what happens.
She’s right…
She needs to find out, not just for her sake, but ours. I need to know…
Pheeb…
If she comes back…
I won’t let her go.
Kate.
The End.