As I started walking towards the holodeck, a song entered my mind. It was bittersweet and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t shake it.

For all I’ve been
blessed with in
this life

There was an
emptiness in me

’That was true,’ I thought to my self.

I was imprisoned
by the power
of gold

’I guess the extra pip did keep me from becoming involved with anyone for a long time.’

With one honest
touch you set
me free

“And what a touch it was,” I muttered under my breath. Reaching holodeck two I began the program. When the doors opened I stepped into my quarters. It looked the same as it always did, but there was something different.

Something inside was telling me to stop what I was doing and leave…

But I couldn’t, not now.

Let the world stop
turnin’
Let the sun stop
burnin’

I would give up my captaincy to have that day back.

Let them tell me
loves not worth
going through

“Kathryn?”

“Yes, Annika?” I replied a sad smile on my face, which promptly vanished when she stepped into the room.

My heart stops…

Her beauty is beyond compare, why she chose me, I never understood. It is something I am eternally grateful for.

“You are early,” she says, wrapping her arms around me.

“I couldn’t keep away for a second longer,” I whispered honestly, before becoming too busy to talk.

If it all falls
apart
I will know deep
in my heart

There were times when I didn’t think it would work out. Each objection, reason I gave her, she took apart with her cool logic.

By the end of our discussion, I wondered why I took so long.

Seeing her smile she told me, “I would wait until you came to your senses. You are worth the time Kathryn.”

I know there are certain members of the crew that looked down on our relationship. Using the same excuses I had used to keep myself isolated.
A captain shouldn’t, can’t get involved with a crew member.

As Seven has stated, “I am not a member of Star Fleet Captain, therefore, I am not under your command.”

In an environment we lived in, it was near impossiblenot to hear gossip - or the stares we would received whenever we decided to eat in the mess hall. I would have like to have said I didn’t care, but I did, more for Seven’s sake than mine.

The only dream that
mattered had come
true

“Annika… do you know how lucky I am?” I asked when we broke our kiss.

“Is that a rhetorical question Kathryn?” she asked with just the faintest hint of a smile on her features.

In this life
I was loved by you

“I see you’ve been busy…” I told her, seeing the dining room table set, stasis fields covering our dinner.

“I must find something to do prior to your arrival,” she replied.

For every mountain
I have climbed
Every raging river crossed

’There may not have been real rivers and mountains, but each adversity this crew endured to get home, was a struggle’, I thought.

“How was your day?” Seven asked, as I pulled out her chair.

“Well… thanks to you… we’ll should be arriving in the Alpha Quadrant…” I managed to say before the emotions I had fought so hard to bury, rose to the surface.

“Kathryn… what is wrong?”

You were the treasure that
I longed to find

“I… we didn’t have enough time,” I said, the tears streaming down my face.

“Kathryn, please tell what is the matter. You are frightening me…” Seven said.

“What am I going to do?” I whispered as she gathered me into her arms.

Without your love
I would be lost

“Tell me, perhaps I can help?” Seven offered.

Let the world
stop turnin’

“You can’t.”

Let the sun
stop burnin’

“Why?” Seven asked.

Let them tell me
loves not worth going through

“YOU’RE NOT REAL!“ I shouted. “Computer… freeze program.”

If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart

“WHY…. WHY!?!“ I screamed, feeling my legs give out on me.

The only dream that mattered
had come true

“It’s time to go,” I heard through my tears.

“What?”

“It’s time to leave.”

I feel myself being helped up from the floor. “Computer… end Janeway Alpha-Ten.”

Soon my quarters disappear, giving way to the black and yellow grid lines of the holodeck. “How did you know?” I asked.

“When you didn’t come home after your duty shift. I asked the computer where you were… I waited as long as I could…”

I nodded, I probably would have done the same thing.

“You have to stop this mother. I don’t think Mom would approve of your hurting yourself this way.”

In this life…
I was loved by you

Wiping my hands across my face, I straightened my clothes. There was no way I was leaving this room looking like a mess. I wasn’t going to let anyone see behind the mask again, it hurt too much.

I walked along the corridors of my ship, my, our daughter Erin by my side. She looked so much like Seven it was startling at times. She would be turning eight this year, she was stronger than most eight year olds; a by-product of Borg technology, remarkably intelligent, just like her mother.

Hopefully, if the last test B’Elanna ran was successful, Erin would be seeing Earth for the first time, in person.

The ship was deceptively quiet. The news had not been shared with the rest of the crew. We’ve had too many false hopes over the years and I didn’t want to be the one to bash them to bits one more time.

We reached our home, the only one Erin’s ever known in her short existence. She didn’t have many toys, she preferred to study, as evident by the data padds strewn on the couch.

“I’ll get your bath ready,” she told me, I believe sensing the exhaustion I felt.

“All right,” I replied, smiling weakly.

She turns to leave, only to stop and look back at me. “Mother?”

“Yes dear?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” I replied, the ache wrenching at my heart. She should have both her parents with her, it just wasn’t fair.

I reached out for the holo-image of Seven from the table. I can’t believe she’s gone.

There wasn’t anything anyone could do, there was too much damage. No matter how hard the Doctor tried, her injuries were devastating, not even the nano-probes could cope with the massive wide system failure her body went through. Chakotay and the others wanted to be there for me, but I knew I needed them to find out what caused the accident in the first place.

My place was with Seven.

“Kathryn?”

“Save your strength darling, you’re going to need it later,” I told her, holding on to her hand, the only place that had escaped injury. I brushed the strands of hair away from her face.

“Take care of Erin… of yourself…” her breathing was becoming labored.

“That’s your job, you’ll see… you’ll be up and around in no time,” I told her, the denial all ready setting in.

“I will always love you Kathryn… always…”

Before I knew what had happened, I felt her hand slip from mine. The Doctor pushed me out of the way, what was only a few minutes, seemed an eternity to me as I watched him work on the love of my life.

“I’m sorry Captain,” he said, I do believe I saw tears glistening in his eyes. “There was nothing I could do…”

“You did all you could Doctor,” I told him, my voice calm.

“Shall I contact Erin for you?” he asked gently.

“NO!“ I answered harshly. If anyone were going to tell her, it would be me. She had no idea what was going on, only that her mom had been hurt and that I was with her. “I will.”

The past five months have been Hell on us, the nightmares finally started fading. I knew that I was being self-destructive, using the holodeck to try and recreate her over again. I didn’t want to let go.

B’Elanna, Erin’s godmother, took Seven’s formula and worked on it tirelessly, until miraculously she believed she had finally found the missing piece of the puzzle.

“Torres to Janeway…” I heard coming from my comm badge.

“Go ahead B’Elanna.”

“It works Captain… it’s works,” I could hear the joy in her voice.

“Good work… I know Seven would have been pleased. Get some sleep..”

“Captain?”

“You heard me B’Elanna, I can’t have you collapsing at your post when we do this.”

“Yes Captain.” I heard her say somewhat hesitantly.

“Tomorrow B’Elanna… tomorrow. Janeway out.”

It worked. We were only a few hours away from the Alpha Quadrant.

“Mother… your bath is ready.”

There are certain phrases that Erin uses that make me shake my head and remind myself that it’s not Annika’s voice I’m hearing. I place the holo-image back on the table, but not before bestowing a kiss on it. I warily get up and walked towards the bath Erin has waiting for me.

I look down at my left hand, and see the simple ring that meant the beginning of a journey that was far too short for my liking.

“Mom…”

“I’m coming…”

In this life
I was loved…
By you.

The End.