Memory in the snow

Early evening started out bright with a multitude of arrivals flowing into her childhood home.  The freeze of winter was kept at bay by the doors, frosted windows and with the warmth of over one hundred people crammed into the farmhouse.  From a low wing backed chair near the hearth, Kathryn Janeway, former captain to all the laughing, smiling people, sat watching over every one of them enjoying the peace of coming together again.  Her sister, Phoebe, mingled among the crowd making easy friends while their mother, Gretchen, wandered in and out of the kitchen with plates of goodies and hot cider.  She made silent atonement for those who couldn’t join the festivities and felt the familiar sting of tears behind her eyes.  Gripping the mug of cocoa tighter, she closed her eyes against the cleansing wash, willed herself strong again and smiled.

Opening them, she was greeted with a pair of curious pale blue eyes.  She gasped and sat back a little.  “Seven!  Don’t do that.”

The blonde straightened, an amused expression settling on her features.  “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Kathryn smiled.  She stood looking the least bit frazzled by being caught off-guard.  Inside, she was shaking.  “When did you and Chakotay get here?  I didn’t hear the bell.”

“Naomi and the Paris’s were outside building a snowman.  We came in with them.”  She paused looking somewhat uncertain.  “It’s good to see you again.”

“Likewise.  You look well.”  As she spoke, she reached up and traced Seven’s left brow.  “How does it feel?” she asked quietly, her voice almost obscured by the voices and soft music.

Seven half smiled and traced the line herself.  “It’s different; though, not as different as I imagined.  I find fewer people shy away.”

“I’m glad.  Would you like something to drink?”  Seven shook her head.  Kathryn motioned her to sit opposite her on the sofa as she returned to the chair.  “How have things been going for you?”

“I wish to return to work, but the Doctor says I need rest.  There are still two surgeries remaining.”

Detecting the frustration in her voice, Kathryn chuckled.  “I’m sure I’d be tiring of Starfleet Medical at this point.  I hear Chakotay’s teaching now?”

“Yes, I am,” came from her left.  Chakotay moved around Kathryn to sit with Seven on the sofa.  “My students don’t seem to care about why they’re taking the course.  They want to know more about Voyager and her Captain.”  He sat close to Seven and wrapped his arm around her.  She quietly settled into the embrace.  “It’s been a while, Kathryn.  How are you?”

“Just fine, Chakotay.  It seems things are on the up and up for you.”  She stood briefly to grab her cocoa.

“Kathryn!”

Halfway down, she stopped and looked for her caller.  She halted half bent.  From the corner of her eye, she saw Seven swivel her head around to see.  She barely breathed the man’s name, but it made Seven turn back toward her sharply.  Beside the man and her sister, a slender curly haired brunette woman was with him along with a child.  As the group advanced on her, Kathryn settled in the chair.  She was going to kill her mother then kick herself for trusting her to formulate a guest list.  “Hello, Mark.”

“Kath, it’s been too long.”

He seemed to look just as shocked as she felt.  “Yes, I suppose it has.”

Mark put his arm around his wife and pushed the child in front of him.  “This is my wife, Rene and our son, Toby.”

“Hello,” Renee nodded politely.  The boy backed away from the strange people before him.

“It’s nice to meet you.  If you’ll excuse me, I have some preparations to attend to.”  Kathryn nodded to everyone cordially, lingering on Seven shortly before rushing from the living room.  She dashed up the stairs and locked herself in her bedroom.

The tears came quickly and went unchecked for a long while.  She heard the door pull being manipulated and figured on Phoebe sneaking in to see what was wrong.  Lethargically, she lay there waiting.

“It’s not polite to rush out on your guests.”

Of course, it was her sister.  Who else would ever come after you?  Her heart skipped a beat, hurting.  “Go away.”  The bed dipped.  “I said go away!”

 “Not until you tell me what the hell that was all about.”

Kathryn kept quiet.  It had all been too much.  Seven with Chakotay.  Mark with Renee.  Tom with B’Elanna and Miral.  Phoebe, even, with her husband, Jesse.  The wet stung her eyes again and she buried her head deeper into the pillow.

“Which one is it you’re still in love with: Mark, Chakotay or Seven?”

The accusation stopped her crying fast.  It also tipped her anger.  But, knowing the question was legit she tempered herself and turned over.  Still, she didn’t say anything.

“I’m going to rule out Chakotay considering the way you were talking to him.  Something happened in the last year that tore you two apart.  Either that or you’re just bitter that he has Seven and you don’t.  Mark ditching you while you were out there was hard on you, I know that, but you’re over him.  It’s those two you worry about now.  Am I right?”

“Pointedly,” she scowled.

“Get your skinny butt downstairs, Kath.  It’s time to do the tree.”

“All ready?”  She wiped at the drying, itchy tears.

“Time flies when you act like a child.”  Phoebe slapped her older sister’s leg and left her.

Kathryn wandered into the bathroom and splashed water on her face.  It wasn’t a devastating improvement, but it would suffice.  When she finally appeared downstairs, her mother had taken her place in front of the tree and most of the ornaments were set on branches.  Three of her colleagues gathered around the tree at a time and found the right spot for their decoration.  Gifts weren’t required at the gathering, only the tree ornament to adorn the tree.  She wanted a piece of each person she’d come to know as her family.  As Walter Baxter, Chell and Marla Gilmore stepped back smiling from the massive fir, the Paris family moved up.  Tom helped Miral place her ornament before carefully arranging a strange looking doll-like figure on a sturdy branch.  She heard his yelp when B’Elanna questioned the purpose of the decoration.  Kathryn shook her head and wondered what it could be.

She moved through the menagerie of people to the tree and ducked under it to find the tiny box that held her contribution.  Standing, she turned to face the crowd.  “Don’t tell me mine’s the last one?”  Those who heard tried not to laugh.  “Lovely,” she sighed and took the tiny replica from its box.  She searched the tree endlessly but couldn’t find an open spot to put the little ship.  Looking up, she found an empty spot just out of her reach and noticed no star or angel and she knew someone had yet to go.  Again, she turned to face her peers.  “All right, who’s got the tree topper?”  From her right came Seven, a large white box in her hands.  Her inner voice laughed.  “Help me put this up there?”  She held the downsized version of their ship out, but Seven didn’t take it.  She grabbed Kathryn’s shoulders, turned her then placed her hands on her hips hoisting the smaller woman up.  Kathryn gasped on the way up feeling like a five year old again.  The image of her younger self in this same position, only with her father’s hands holding her firmly in the air brought back more fond memories.

When Seven’s hold began to shake, she came out of her reverie and placed mini-Voyager on the empty branch.  Seven’s hands were firm on her waist, but the strength behind them was suddenly gone.  Kathryn found herself sliding down the blonde’s body in imagined slow motion.  She closed her eyes against the soft caress and swirling emotions.  Her feet were back on the floor before she knew it, the soles aching from impact.  She grimaced from the sudden pain.  Opening her eyes, she came face to face with what must have been Tom’s addition to the mix and started to laugh.  Her own eyes mirrored in black, white and gray peered back at her in the form of Queen Arachnia.  The ornament had a small flat bottom, the words ‘You’re the Queen!’ neatly etched on the front.

“See,” Tom exclaimed.  “I told you she’d like it.”

As her laughter faded, the lights on the tree glowed.  Her mother popped out from behind the mass with a smile gracing her lips.  Some of the tiny colored lights flashed on and off slowly while others remained in steady illumination.  The silvery garland glittered against the backdrop.  Each of the ornaments dangled freely, swaying in the room’s energy.

“It’s beautiful.”

Seven’s voice reminded her of the position they were in.  The blonde’s hands were still on her waist, the weight less so, and Kathryn’s body was pressed firmly against Seven’s.  She couldn’t deny the heat settling in her groin from the contact.  Turning her head up and back, she locked her gaze onto Seven’s.  “Yeah, it is.”  A bright flash brought her to attention again.

“Say ‘cheese.’”  The Doctor stood before them with his holoimager.  They groaned collectively at his request.  “Fine.  Say ‘Happy Holidays’ then.”

“Happy Holidays,” Kathryn and Seven spoke together along with a few people that surrounded them.  “Come on,” Kathryn continued.  “Let’s get as many in the shot as we can.”  Looking around, she noted not everyone heard her.  Still, several people came to join the photo shoot.  Seven rested her chin on her shoulder just before the Doctor clicked to save the moment and caught Kathryn’s surprise for an eternity.  Smiling, she wiggled out of the embrace.  “I think it’s time to put that up there,” she motioned to the box Seven previously laid aside.  “I’d help you, but I’m afraid my strength isn’t what it used to be.”

Seven blushed fiercely.  “My apologies.  I didn’t mean to… drop you.”

“There’s no need to apologize, Seven.  I’m just glad you were there to catch me.”  Seven stared at her openly.  She tore her eyes away quickly.  “Thank you,” she said even faster then went for the box.  “I’m anxious to see what it looks like.”

“Me, too.”  Chakotay was suddenly with them at the base of the tree.  “She refused to let me see it.”

Kathryn offered the box to Seven.  “Suspense has its benefits.”

“Patience is also a virtue,” Seven chided.  Kathryn stifled a laugh.  “Close your eyes, Kathryn.”

“Me?  Why only me?”

“Because I said so.  Now, do it.”

Amused, and a little shocked, she laughed.  “Yes, ma’am.”  She heard the brush of the box lid being pulled off and a rustling of tissue paper then, all was quiet.  It seemed as though she was deaf.  “Seven?”

“Keep them closed.”

“I wouldn’t dare otherwise.”  Seven’s chuckle sent tingles down her spine.  “Can I look now?”  Hands were on her shoulders turning her body around.

“What did I say about patience?”

Seven’s quiet voice was in her ear forcing her eyes open.  She was facing the tree again, Arachnia staring her down.  High above the Queen, the final addition to the tree caught her attention.  “Seven,” she breathed.  “Where did you find it?”  She looked slightly below the glowing spectrum at her tiny ship swaying gently and thought it looked rather dull.

 “Annika, why didn’t you tell me that’s what you were working on?”  Chakotay asked before Seven could answer.

Kathryn’s head turned sharply to her former First officer then to Seven.  “I was saving it for your birthday.  Slight modifications were needed for it to top a tree, however.”

“Seven, I-  There’s-  Thank you.”  Kathryn fumbled over her words then impulsively took Seven up into a tight embrace.

“You’re welcome.”

She lingered a little, taking in the scent and warmth of Seven’s body, but was torn away when people realized the tree was complete.  Kathryn reluctantly let go of  Seven’s torso and turned again to the shimmering replica of Voyager hovering quietly atop the tree.  The lights from the tree made the translucent ship glow a multitude of colors; the blinking lights catching in the gentle indentations where view ports, numbers and letters would be on the hull.

A familiar voice shouted, “Time for presents!”

“Presents?”  Kathryn took one look at Naomi’s Santa Claus hat topped head and laughed.  “It’s not even Christmas Eve yet and you want presents?”

“Why not?”  William Chapman added his opinion and sipped at a mug of steaming cider.

“Yeah, why not?”  Soon, a chorus of voices questioned her.

Holding her hands up, she surrendered.  “All right.  All right!  You win!  You’re Santa, you hand out the presents.”  Despite the order not to bring presents, most of the group had.  Naomi soon went about the task of grabbing box after box and running around the house to find each recipient.

“I don’t know why I support the habit…”

Gretchen Janeway’s voice dithered and a mug came into view.  Kathryn looked up at her mother from her position on her chair with a smile.  “Thanks, Mom.”  She leaned into her when the elder Janeway sat on the arm of the chair.

“She’s quite the artist.  You’re friend, Seven, is it?  I mean.”

“Yeah.”  She sipped at the mug watching their subject across the room speaking gravely with Chakotay.  The blonde was obviously upset and he seemed just as, if not more so, troubled than she was.  Naomi carefully walked up to the pair and handed Seven a large wrapped box with a red bow adorning the top.  She smiled at the girl, hugged her then attempted to open it, but Chakotay caught her attention once more.

“Phoebe told me what happened earlier.”

She half rolled her eyes.  “I should have known.”  She glanced back toward Seven and Chakotay again only to find they were gone.  Kathryn surveyed the room without turning her head.

“He left, Kathryn.”  Her daughter looked at her.  “Seven headed toward the kitchen.”

Kathryn stared at her mother for a long time.  The questions she asked with her eyes and expression were answered in the same fashion.  She smiled lightly dropping her head.  She held the mug in her hand as she stood.  “Thank you,” she said hugging her elder.  She eased her way into the kitchen through the mess of people hoping to find Seven, but she’d gone.  “Damn.”  Gulping down the coffee, she pulled on someone’s jacket and jumped out the door into the cold.

Snow started to fall again.  The flakes chilled her skin as she stepped down from the porch.  Looking down, though, she found no footprints.

“I’m here, Kathryn.”

Kathryn turned to see Seven huddled up on a bench against the house.  “Without a jacket no less.”

“I will be fine.”

Despite the statement, Kathryn knew better.  “Those nanoprobes may help with the cold, Seven, but not what caused you to come out here.  I don’t know what happened, but you both looked pretty upset from where I was sitting.”  Seven was silent as she approached her.  “Come back inside with me, Seven.”  Light snowflakes tickled her proffered hand as Seven stared at it.  The young woman shivered.

Kathryn dropped her arm and retreated inside for another jacket.  She grabbed one catching a glance of the rest of her crew still enjoying the party then stepped back outside.  “If you’re going to be stubborn, you’re going to wear a jacket.  I don’t care how Borg you still aren’t.”  She draped the thick coat around Seven’s shoulders and sat next to her.  Just as she settled, Seven stood and walked away from the house.  “Always cat and mouse,” she whispered, sighing.  She pushed off the bench and jogged after Seven in the snow.

“You never could leave well enough alone, Kathryn,” Seven said when the smaller woman caught up.

Kathryn halted instantly at the comment.  “Excuse me?”  When Seven didn’t stop, she ran after her again.  “What are you talking about?” she breathed, winded from the cold air.  Seven stormed off as fast as the flakes fell.  Kathryn kept up just the same.  “Seven, I don’t understand.”

“Don’t you?”  Seven accused only to Kathryn’s bafflement.

“No.  Seven, I really don’t!”  Kathryn stopped, holding Seven’s arm.  “And if you keep going this way you’re going to fall into the creek!”  Hard, angry eyes found hers and locked on.  She softened her own anger, allowing it to subside, before lessening her grasp on Seven’s arm.  “Please do-…”  Her arm dropped to her side and her head fell.  A breeze caught her hair up and the cold nipped at her neck.  “I can’t help it if I love you.”  Her voice was barely a whisper.  With the breeze, she wasn’t sure Seven heard her but she didn’t dare look up to see if she had.

Seven pushed the hair framing Kathryn’s face behind her ears.  She placed a bent finger underneath her chin to pull her face up.  Reluctantly, Kathryn raised her eyes.  “You never told me.”

She stepped back from Seven.  “How could I?  I didn’t want to ruin what you’d found with Chakotay.”

“My relationship with Chakotay pales in comparison to my friendship with you.”

“No, Seven…”

“Kathryn.  Please, listen.”  She reached out and caught the redhead’s arm lightly before she stepped too far.  “Please?”

She stared softly at the hand on her arm.  Seven’s hand on her arm.  Was it really something she wanted?  Or were the years old fantasy just that?

“How can I show you?  How can I make you see?”  Seven wiped Kathryn’s tears away as they fell, afraid they’d turn into icicles on her cheeks.  “I never did understand.  How could I when all I’d known was Voyager?  When we came here, I had nowhere to go but with Chakotay.  I have visited my family and kept in contact with a lot of the crew, but I never quite knew what to expect out of living here on this planet and what it would do to me.  What living without you would do to me.”

Kathryn finally shifted her gaze to meet Seven’s.  It was never in the blonde to lie about her feelings.  She’d only done it once to protect her experiment.  The experiment that brought on her relationship with the man Kathryn trusted most.

“I miss you,” she said.  “I used to see your face whenever I closed my eyes after settling.  I refused sleep for weeks until the Doctor forced me to.  Then, the dreams came.  They were like nightmares to me.  Able to hold something… someone so close inside a dream was unsettling when you wake next to a person that hardly resembles her.”  Seven managed a laugh thinking of the many times she woke up automatically thinking that Kathryn was the one with her hands on her hip, not Chakotay.  “I know whom I want and he realized that before I could tell him.”  Kathryn closed her eyes.  “You were on a mission, so I couldn’t leave him.  The idea of living with my relatives wasn’t a desirable one.”  Seven brushed more of Kathryn’s tears away as they fell.  “Chakotay isn’t happy with my decision, but he respects it.  I knew I wouldn’t be returning with him tonight.”  She paused only for a moment.  “Kathryn, please open your eyes.”

It was impossible.  Kathryn allowed her eyes to open.  “This isn’t real,” she cried.  “You’re not saying these things to me.”  Her voice faltered, shattering in rough cracks.  Seven smiled at her.  “It’s not possible,” she whispered.

Seven cupped Kathryn’s face gently with both hands.  “How many times must I tell you that nothing is impossible?”  Kathryn’s eyes glistened with tears, fear and disbelief.  She kept watching her as she leaned down and placed her lips over Kathryn’s.  She kissed her once, and then stood back for a moment before settling in for a deeper kiss filled with tender meaning.  Seven broke the embrace first, unsure of how far to go.  She’d never seen her friend so shaken, literally.

“A few more times than that,” Kathryn said, barely breathing.

“Are you cold?”

“Not exactly,” she breathed, feeling warmer than she had in years.  “It feels surreal.  I’m not sure what to do.”

Seven stood back and held her hand out.  “Take my hand.”  She smiled and Kathryn took her hand.  She pulled her forward quickly making the smaller woman lose her balance.  Seven caught her before she fell but the impact brought them both into the snow.

Kathryn planted her hands on Seven’s chest and pushed herself up gently.  “Your move backfired.”

Seven moved her hands up to Kathryn’s face.  “Hardly,” she said with a smile.  “You’re exactly where I want you.  Always.”

“Always.”  Kathryn let her body down to kiss Seven, offering silent thanks to her past future self.