Ouverture

Stardate 52108.8

Dear Kathryn,

 I hated you in the beginning.  You took me away from what I knew, took away my freedom, refused me and told me what to do.  There was little respect between us.  You took responsibility of me when I didn’t need it, or thought I didn’t need it.  And in the beginning, I was alone.  I had nothing to follow so I chose, despite myself, to follow you.

You offered me a life I didn’t want with an option to trade it in later.  At the time, I wanted that.  I wanted to prove you wrong and I resisted the change.  Later on, things did change.  ‘Red,’I said to you.  ‘What?’ you questioned back.  ‘The child you spoke of; the girl.  Her favorite color was red.’  The confession was a white flag from me to you.  You were seemingly unimpressed at the time.

I remember that night well.  I wandered around the cargo bay devising ways to upset the ships’ balance, to escape and contact the Collective.  I wanted them to take me back despite my promise to you.  At the same time, I wanted to prove just that to you.  That I was trustworthy, that I was grateful for my freedom, but then I thought: What freedom is this locked in a room, alone, away from everyone?  I didn’t understand and I was angry for a long time.  Sometimes, I still am.

However, you were right when you said that I was frightened and felt alone.  While I was discovering just what The Raven meant to me, how it was relevant to my existence, I felt just that way.  Those images, half true and half false, were disturbing at least.  I didn’t know what was happening or what was real.  With your encouragement after the fact, I read more about my parents, their logs, and discovered part of who I am; who I used to be.

After I revived Neelix, I came to you for understanding about why people feared death and you said: ‘It’s unknown to us, Seven.  People fear the unknown.’  The answer, to you, was so simple.  I replied, ‘Space is the unknown but you don’t fear it.’  You stared at me for a long while before, finally, a smile appeared on your face and you left the table.  Generally, they are the same yet you’re afraid of one and not the other.  You puzzle me.

Later, I puzzled myself.  When we entered the neurogenic field and couldn’t wake, I, too, had a dream.  I avoided speaking about it when anyone asked.  I dreamed of you; scene after scene of failure, of my imperfections.  You’d scream at me, reprimand me and order me to the cargo bay.  I’d go and huddle in a corner and cry.  Like everyone else, I finally saw the alien and woke, but the image of him was less daunting than the angry images of you.

When we encountered the Hirogen, I found we had a very unintelligent trait in common.  Overworking ourselves.  I worked on the data stream for days until I was ordered to rest.  Why I pushed myself to the limits of humanity escaped me then.  Today, I know it was to please you.  I wanted to do everything in my power to show you that trusting me was an option.  However, when you ordered Tuvok to join me in retrieving the remainder of the message, I felt that trust was diminished.  I could do it alone and you denied me that freedom.  Still, I asked Tuvok whether you always assigned two officers to a team.  His positive answer only brought up new questions.  You viewed me as a child who needed supervision when outside her playpen.  I didn’t like that.  During Neelix’s ‘cheering up’ party afterward, I expressed this to you rather indignantly.  I regret that I ruined the party for everyone, especially you.

Meeting the Hirogen again, I defied you in ways I never thought I would.  I may have wanted your respect, your trust, but I also wanted to be myself, whatever there was of me at the time.  You disallowed that and I hated you for it.  You then took away the freedom I had, again, but let me continue my work in Astrometrics.  I didn’t understand that as much as I couldn’t comprehend why you were so terrified of who I was becoming.  Again, you were the parent and I was the child.

The incident with Kovin was unsettling in many ways.  It brought up a lot and much of that dealt with you.  Despite the yelling match we had about the reprimands of my actions with Species 8472 and the Hirogen, I felt it established a new sense of understanding between us.  Our second conversation, which was much more tactful, opened up even more.  Apologizing and explaining my actions calmly seemed to smooth the rough edges allowing you and I to communicate in a less problematic way.

‘Seven,’ you said just as the doors to your quarters opened before me.  ‘Thank you.’  ‘Captain?’I questioned back.  ‘For the insight.’

I knew then that our relationship was finally moving forward and the worst had passed.

 ‘If I didn’t know you any better,’ you started quietly, ‘I’d say you just had your first spiritual experience.’

‘Perhaps, but only because you opened my eyes to it.’  You stared at me carefully unknowing what to say.  ‘Despite the Doctor, you’re the only one who’s made an effort to introduce me to these things.  I feel more comfortable sharing my experiences with you than he.’

‘Why do you think that is?’

It was a pointed question, Kathryn; one that you should not have asked.  My answer then was that I didn’t know, but I did deep down.  I was scared to tell you what I was feeling.  Logic dictated that I was falling in love with you.

Knowing I couldn’t talk to you about it, I turned to Chakotay.  When he told me about your time on New Earth with him, I figured I’d never have the opportunity to get close to you.  He and I spoke on different occasions about my feelings, what they meant and where they stemmed from.  We also spoke about you, your stubbornness, and all the reasons why you’d deny me, just like you denied him.  I don’t know why Chakotay helped me.  He holds you in his heart to this day and most likely always will.

Then, you allowed me to guide the ship with only the Doctor’s help.  For both of us, it was a big step.  We doubted my abilities, but you took a chance.  I was afraid to fail and unsure of what would happen if I didn’t come through.  The crew would have died.  If you hadn’t, I wasn’t sure what you’d do with me.  Would you put me in the brig?  Lock me in the cargo bay?  With my reliance on the remaining Borg components in my body, would you deactivate me?  Fortunately, none of that happened.  We were all safe and you trusted me even more.

In the brig on the Dauntless, you said I belong with us, meaning the crew of Voyager.  I believe what you meant to say was that I belonged with you.  At that point, you weren’t hiding yourself very well from me, from anyone.  If you look back on it, just a couple of months ago, it’s there.  You just have to know where to look.  Playing Velocity before and after meeting Arturis, I can see it.  You were too obvious for your own good and you never saw it coming.  Then, when you broke down in the void, I was there and you took silent advantage over my affections; affections you knew existed but denied.

Today, all I can think about is how I left you crying beneath your desk.  I know I caused that pain inside you.  It wasn’t intentional; please know that.  I merely did as you asked and left.  How else was I to respond?  After years of obeying your orders in your society, how could I say no to you when I wished to stay to comfort you again?

I do still love you.  Perhaps I always will.  Nevertheless, as I can see from the trouble I’ve caused, we will never become we in the sense I wish us to be.  I hope that you understand that I’ve found happiness with Celes.  However, she is not you and she cannot replace you and she cannot be you or what I wanted you to be for me.

Annika

 

She sat and waited anxiously for Celes to finish reading her letter.  “Well?”  The Bajoran jabbed her side.  “Do you think she’ll understand?”

“I never knew you felt that way for her.”  She handed the padd back carefully avoiding eye contact.  “Why are you here with me and not there with her?”

Anika dropped the padd to her lap and faced Celes.  “Because I like you and I’d like to get to know you more.  Celes, look at me.”  When Celes didn’t move, she pulled her face up.  “Kathryn knows she was wrong and she knows I’m with you.  I won’t leave you just because she decided she wants me now.”  The Bajoran’s face didn’t lighten.  “Talk to me?”

“Annika, I,” Celes stopped herself and pushed back into the sofa.  “I like you, too, and I want to get to know you more, but…” her voice trailed off.

The blonde dropped her head slightly.  “You think things are unresolved between Kathryn and I and that as soon as I get the chance to be with her, despite being with you, I’ll choose her.  Correct?”

Celes nodded her head with reserve.  “That’s part of it.”

“Part of it?  I don’t understand.”

She thought of the closing sentence in Annika’s letter.  “In your own words, I’m insufficient.  You can’t just give up on her.  She’s confused and trying to get through it, just like you said you were when you went to the Commander.  I can’t let you settle for me, Annika, I just can’t.  You’d be miserable and so would she.  And I don’t want to be on a ship with a miserable captain.”  Celes laughed lightly and tucked her knees under her chin.  “Do you get what I’m saying?”

Annika looked at the padd in her lap.  “What about you?”

“Me?”

“You wouldn’t be miserable, too, if Kathryn and I were together?”

“That’s how dating works,” she shrugged.  “You win some and you lose some.  If it works out, I’ll be happy for you.  If it doesn’t, at least you gave it another try.”

“And you’ll just wait for me?”

“That’s not my point, Annika.  My point is you’re stupid if you don’t give it another shot.  As for me, I’m not going anywhere.  I’m sleeping on your couch, remember?”

“Not tonight.  I need to regenerate, so you may have the bed.”  Annika stood, unsure of what she was about to do.  “I’ll see you tomorrow.  Good-night.”

“Thanks,” Celes said, rising.  “See you tomorrow, Annika.  ‘Night,” she added just as Annika left their temporary home.

--

“Computer, locate Captain Janeway.”

“Captain Janeway is in her quarters.”

“Good,” she said and turned right down the hallway.  Stopping at her captain’s door, she tapped the panel for entrance.  Twice more, she tapped the panel and twice she was greeted with silence.  Deciding against intrusion, she went directly to the cargo bay.

Construction was halfway completed on her new quarters upon entrance.  She hadn’t been there in two days and figured it would take at least two weeks for completion.  Now, she had new hope it would be done by the end of the week.

Annika looked at the set of alcoves covering the right wall and sighed.  One, she thought.  She shook her head and downloaded her letter into the main console for editing.

--

“Computer, who’s at the door?”

“Seven of Nine.”

Kathryn groaned and tears threatened her red rimmed and puffy eyes.  The chime sounded twice more but she ignored it and returned to her book.

She guessed that no more than twenty minutes had passed before a low, dull beep on her console indicated a message was waiting.  Keeping her finger in the book, Kathryn looked at the console across the room.  Seven, no doubt.  I wonder wh-  No, no you don’t wonder what she has to say.  Another moment later, a second beep sounded from the console.  Two?  Intrigued, she dropped the red ribbon into place at her page and closed the book leaving it on the chair buried in her afghan.

The first message was, indeed, from Seven, but the second one surprised her.  The from field read Tal Celes.  Hesitantly, she sat down to read Celes’s message.

Dear Captain Janeway,

By now, I’m sure you’ve read Annika’s letter.  I read it, too, unless she edited it after she left for the cargo bay.  I hope she edited it.  Before reading what she wrote, I knew I couldn’t hold a candle to you.  Afterward, it was embedded in my brain.  She wouldn’t have given me up for you, I believe her when she said that, but because of it, I had to let her go.  I just hope she comes back to you now.

Best wishes,

Tal Celes

Kathryn sat back in the chair with a sigh and tapped Seven’s message onto the screen.

Kathryn,

I had an entire letter written to you describing what’s been happening with me since the beginning, from when you severed me from the Collective.  I wanted Celes to read it and offer an opinion.  Afterward, she told me to come back to you.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have let her read it.

I like Celes, Kathryn, and she makes me feel something similar inside that you make me feel.  Maybe she’s right.  Maybe I was right: she is not you and she cannot replace you and she cannot be you or what I wanted you to be for me.

I left you in your Ready Room yesterday pained.  I know not as pained as you.  I had my own hurt to deal with and you seemed to want me gone despite your confession.

Now, I don’t know where to go.  I’d like to try to be with you, but I don’t want the heartache and confusion of the last few days.  I want to be able to walk down the corridor with your hand in mine and I’d like to be able to sit in the Mess Hall with everyone present and stare into your eyes to see the stars.  I want you to be free with me.

Underneath this starry glow, can we breakthrough and dance in the unknown?

Annika

She sat for moments on end in silence contemplating what to do.  Finally, she grabbed a spare padd and downloaded both messages to it, placed a seal on it then put it aside.  Kathryn settled easily back into her chair under the afghan and opened the book to the red marker and continued to read.