The Powerful thing
Tear-stained letter (01)
I Love You
Kathryn Janeway looked nervously up from the parchment held loosely in her hands. Beside her, Chakotay, her trusted First Officer, was impassive working on his panel.
If he’s feigning non-interest, he’s doing a damned good job. He was the most obvious choice to give her the letter and easy for him to do. “Chakotay,” she started. When he looked up, she felt her skin blush hotly.
“Captain?” He noticed the paper in her hands. “Something interesting?” He idly motioned generally disinterested to the document despite his query.
Unsettled, she asked, “You didn’t put it on my chair?”
He shook his head. “It was there earlier.”
“Oh.” She turned her head downward to the handwritten text. From the corner of her eye, she watched Chakotay return to his duties. Swallowing, she continued to read:
I must be crazy now
Maybe I dream too much
But when I think of you
I long to feel your touch
Eyes wide and the flush returning, Janeway grasped the armrest. “I’ll be in my Ready Room. Commander,” she nodded briefly, handing over authority, and quickly retreated into her sanctuary and home away from home off the Bridge.
She never saw the concerned face of her Commander as the doors hissed closed behind her back or the slight rise on Tuvok’s brow indicating his ‘worry’.
She dropped the note to her desk as she walked to the replicator on the upper level of her office. She barked at the computer, “Coffee, hot, strong, black.” Within seconds, a cup materialized for her to grab. Before she reached the chair behind her desk, the mug was empty and her throat burned. Returning to the replicator, she again ordered the coffee. Only this time, it was an entire decanter.
Finally, settled comfortably, she picked up the note and began where she left off:
To whisper in your ear
Words that are old as time
Words that only you would hear
If only you were mine
I wish I could go back to the very first day I saw you
I should have made my move when you looked in my eyes
‘Cause by now I know that, you’d feel the way that I do
And you’d whisper these words, as you’d lie here by my side
I love you, please say you love me, too
These three words, they could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
‘Til the end of time
So today, I finally find the courage deep inside
Just to walk right up to your door
But my body can’t move when I finally get to it
Like a thousand times before
Then without a word I handed you this letter
Read, I hope this finds the way into your heart, your soul
I love you, please say that you love me, too
‘Til the end of time
Well maybe I, I need a little love
Maybe I, I need a little care
Maybe you, maybe you need somebody just to hold you
If you do, just reach out, I’ll be there
I love you; please say you love me, too
These three words, they could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Oh, I love you; please say that you love me
Please say that you love me, too
‘Til the end of time
Oh baby, my baby, together, forever
I love you
I will be your light shining through your eyes
Kathryn slowly let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding then took a deep breath and exhaled quickly. The coffee was half gone. Pouring herself another cup, her eyes scanned the final written words:
Kathryn,
I realize that by leaving this as I have, you’ll see me as a coward, still. I may be; though, I know if I had approached you in person you’d have either run and attempted to avoid me for the rest of our journey home or you would have bombarded me with excuses using Starfleet protocol.
I’m sure you’ll want to know who I am. While I’m not ready to reveal my identity to you at this time, you may, at least, want to reply to this message in some way. Activate holoprogram Kathryn Zero-One.
The message wasn’t signed.
Leaning back, Kathryn sighed and noticed a message on her console, the small light blinking incessantly. Had she expected it to be signed? If it weren’t such a delicate matter, she’d announce it to the entire ship. She wanted whomever this secret admirer was to come forward so she could put those quoted protocols to good use. Shaking her head, she knew that wasn’t the answer.
Unsure of what to do with the letter, Kathryn refolded it and put it aside. When she left at the end of her shift, she’d take it back to her quarters and shove it inside a book for safekeeping.
Tapping the controls on her console, she brought up the message. What does Neelix want now, she asked herself, reading the header. Shaking her head and smiling, she gave him a go-ahead on his next party project then recycled the decanter and mug before returning to the Bridge.
“Anything of note, Harry?” Chakotay stared at her, seemingly inconspicuous. He was obviously unaware that his attentions were unwanted. The ensign answered negatively and she nodded toward him as Chakotay leaned toward her.
“So, what was in that letter?” He paused shortly. “Someone sure went to a lot of trouble to write it out.”
She still was unconvinced he wasn’t the author. “Chakotay, be honest with me here.” His gaze held under her scrutiny. “Did you write it?” It didn’t look like his handwriting, but he was the most obvious one to have given it to her. If it wasn’t him, she had a lot of thinking to do and a lot of picking through crewmembers to finger the mysterious and fallen author.
Puzzlement clouded his eyes, even jealousy, before he finally answered. “I swear. I didn’t.” Janeway’s worry must have been evident. “Was it that terrible?”
Janeway wasn’t sure if it was or it wasn’t a good thing. It was flattering to have someone speak so passionately to her, but to have it be one of her crew was frustrating. “No, it,” she stopped herself not entirely wanting to divulge her secret right then. “It was just a little more mysterious than I’m accustomed to.”
Chakotay seemed to be happy with her response as he went back to his work again. Janeway sat quietly for a long while, merely watching the view screen. The stars passed in streaks at their current speed of warp seven, as she silently contemplated who among her crew could be so ingenious.
Directly ahead of her, Tom could be ruled out. B’Elanna would kill her, and Tom, too, if that was the case, and she wasn’t looking for a fight. That also ruled out B’Elanna herself knowing Tom would have a fit to boot. She had to laugh at either pairing. Where she found both a little strange, Kathryn couldn’t help but imagine herself in a relationship with either of them. Pain sticks and blood wine or holoaddiction and muscle cars from the twentieth century? She pondered, the settled on: Neither!
Trusting Chakotay’s word, Kathryn excluded him as well. To admit it, she was surprised it hadn’t been him. Slight disappointment flooded her senses shortly. Almost letting out a giggle, her thoughts turned to Harry. Knowing his interests lay within Seven, she let him go fast. Dating Harry would be like seeing the son I’ll never have. Her thoughts lingered there a bit longer, though, but on Harry’s prize, Seven.
Tuvok was obviously out of the question. She knew him too well, plus, he was married. Then, her thoughts settled on Neelix and she literally froze. She’d definitely have to ask him about the letter. Although he never made any indication of having a romantic interest in his captain, he probably never had a negative thought about it either. Kathryn loved him as much as she did any other of her crew, but just not that way and she prayed to whatever being was out there he wasn’t her devotee.
Beyond her senior staff, she was at a loss. She never spent an adequate amount of time with any of the crew to gauge their interest in her at any level. Anyone could have written it. With a sigh, she pushed off the chair and excused herself, she left out that she was heading to the holodecks. The program name was still fresh in her mind when she ordered the turbo lift to run it. Unnerved at how much the love letter was affecting her, she reordered the lift to its proper destination.
Stepping out onto deck six, Kathryn continued toward her objective. She nodded to passing crewmembers wondering if any of them were the author. A million butterflies beat their wings as she halted before Holodeck One’s entrance. Not wanting to call attention to herself more than she was, she keyed in the commands to activate the program then stepped inside.
Once the doors closed behind her, she whirled hearing the computer’s even tones: “Holodeck doors are sealed.” Turning again, not enjoying the feeling of being a caged animal, she found nothing but the hologrid. Confused, “Computer, is the program running?” With a positive response, her confusion grew. Kathryn took a step toward the exit when she heard a fizzle of something come to life behind her.
She stared at the woman standing before her for a long while. Short white-blonde hair was neatly tucked behind her ears as she stood in a pink slip looking more like sleepwear than the dress she knew it was. Her feet were bare and it made Kathryn laugh. Before she could ask any questions, the lights dimmed until the room was near dark, then little flames popped up around her. Frightened only for a moment, she realized the little fires were attached to wax candles. A gasp escaped her lips when the blonde woman took her hand and led her over to a comfortable looking chair.
“Please, take a seat.”
As she did, Kathryn realized her attire had been altered. Instead of uniform and boots, she had on a dress similar to the one her hostess wore, only in blue. Her lack of shoes made her smile. The suddenness of music bouncing off the holodeck walls made her jump halfway from the chair.
Resettled, the woman before her listened intently for her cue and when she did start to sing, Kathryn’s mouth parted. After the first few lines, she knew the poem she’d received was not a mere poem, but a song. Flattery and embarrassment flowed through her system listening to the powerful words being sung to… Her. She watched the expressions on the singer’s face and noticed the exertion and emotion behind the words and motions as she moved with the music. In her bright eyes was passion she’d never seen before. It was both foreign and familiar to her, though. She knew those eyes.
When the music stopped, the blonde smiled warmly, a longing look in her wide eyes, then fizzled out of existence and in her place was a podium and stool. Kathryn forced her mouth closed and swallowed, attempting to wet her throat. Her legs shook taking her closer to the dais and her hand shook even more grabbing a folded piece of paper. Opening it, there was nothing written, only a pen in a groove at the top of the table. Looking at it for a moment, she dropped the paper and walked out, the holodeck doors hissing behind her.
Who was I to know (02)
The world seemed to be repeating itself as if she was stuck in a time loop. As she did two weeks earlier, Kathryn looked down at the captain’s chair and found a folded piece of parchment with her first name neatly written in calligraphy across it. Chakotay only glanced at her before she picked it up. “Harry?”
The dark haired ensign shrugged and tapped at his controls skillfully. “It’s a pretty boring day so far, Captain.”
She sighed, hoping he’d have told her fifteen Borg cubes were waiting for them off the port bow. Instead, she had to read the note between her fingers. “All right, Chakotay, it’s all yours.” She manufactured a tiny smile walking toward the Ready Room.
With the doors closed behind her, she stopped and opened the note. Despite how annoyed she was that this mystery person was still pursuing something that could never happen, it still was more than flattering.
Ready to run (03)
Three hours later, skimming through personnel reports, it occurred to her that this time there was no holodeck program to go along with the note. Pushing the padd away from her, Kathryn stood and exited. Chakotay eyed her as she moved up the stairs, but she shook her head. It was nothing he needed to worry about. Even Tuvok shot her a look before the lift doors opened for her. “Deck six,” she spoke quietly.
Neither holodeck was in use, so she guessed her secret admirer must be working. “Computer, compile a list of all staff on duty and send the results to my quarters.”
“Acknowledged.”
The holodeck doors slid open and closed behind her. “Activate program Kathryn Zero-three.”
“Program activated. Holodeck doors are sealed.”
A smirk of satisfaction climbed Kathryn’s lips as the room changed appearance. Just a podium topped with a pen and piece of paper with a stool to sit at appeared under a spotlight in the center of the room. Taking her seat, she picked up the pen ready to write. Her brow furrowed noticing her name on the paper. Picking it up, she unfolded it and read:
If you get out in the drivin’ rain
Stand in the eye of the hurricane
And never think twice
If you turn your back on selfishness
And your thoughts are for someone else
‘Cause they’ve changed your life
That’s how you know its love
That’s how you know it’s meant to be
When the span of forever
Just never seems long enough
That’s how you know its love
When your heart insists that you give it all
When you no longer fear the fall
And you just let go
When the past is finally dead and gone
Fate leads you somewhere to the one
That has your soul
No part of your questions
No part of your doubts
You’re only sure this is what love’s about
And nothing and no one can stand in your way
Or keep you from sayin’ what your heart is dyin’ to say
Dear Kathryn,
I knew you’d figure it out eventually, but don’t try to get ahead of yourself.
Kathryn laughed at the final phrase. You’re too smart to have the rest of the programs available, whoever you are. Pulling the other piece of paper into a comfortable position, she started to write a reply:
There’s something about your manner that makes it hard to see
Just how you take advantage of a working girl like me
Don’t want your bed of roses
Don’t want no handful of thorns
Don’t want to be you living doll
Don’t want to be no woman scorned
I don’t want to watch you turn the page when our chapter closes
No, I’m not going to lay me down in your bed of roses
I’ve tasted good and bad love
I’ve settled for the moon when I was reaching for the stars
And though sometimes I have stumbled
I’ve been known to fall
It was always true love
That took me to the wall
You have to hide your love away
You had better save it for another day
To my mystery crewman,
Your efforts are flattering, however, I must ask you to cease your advancements. As you said, I’d bombard you with protocols and irrelevant excuses if we were to ever meet outside of these notes. Please.
Kathryn
Sitting upright, Kathryn reread the note. A small nod accented the agreement in her head as she folded the parchment and left it on the table. The note written to her was in her hand when she exited and entered the turbo lift. “Deck five,” she ordered. The lift moved up a level then opened its doors. She quietly made her way down the hall and into Sickbay. “Doctor?”
The hologram seemed confused and surprised to see his captain. “What can I do for you, Captain?”
She thought for a moment and wished she had the more inconspicuous note with her. “I need you to check this for fingerprints, DNA, anything that’ll tell me where and who it came from.” Her hand held the letter out, but she refused to let it go right away. When the Doctor looked at her, she made sure her eyes were hard. “Do not read the contents. I simply need to know if anyone other than myself has handled it; understood?”
Confusion roamed over his features as she released the paper to him. “Of course.”
He moved away to work on it. “How long?”
He never turned as he worked. “Not long. If you want to wait, you can.”
Janeway crossed her arms over her chest and waited quietly until the Doctor turned around. “Anything?” He shook his head negatively. “Damn.” Grabbing the note back, she started for the door. “Thank you, Doctor.” She heard a hushed You’re Welcome as the doors closed behind her. Back in the turbo lift, she ordered it back to deck one to finish personnel reports. It wasn’t something she needed to do personally, it was truly Chakotay’s job, but she liked to see how her crew progressed first hand.
--
Sitting down at the desk in her quarters, Kathryn forgot about the compilation of staff she’d asked for earlier. She also heard a quiet crunch under her bottom when she sat. Tapping the controls to open the results, she picked herself up slightly and picked out a piece of paper from her chair. “Another one? That’s three in one day.” She fingered the note open unsure if it was a good thing.
We’ve always been the best of friends
No secrets no demands
But suddenly from somewhere out of the blue
I see a different light around you
One thing I haven’t told you, I just want to hold you
And never let go, I need to know
How do I get there from here?
How do I make you see?
How do I tell you what my heart’s been tellin’ me?
Lost in your lovin’ arms that’s where I want to be
You know I love you
How do I get there?
You probably think I’ve lost my mind
Takin’ this chance, crossin’ that line
But I promise to be truer than true
Dreaming every night with these arms around you
I can’t wait any longer this feeling’s getting’ stronger; help me find a way
I know the shortest distance between two points is a straight line
But I’ll climb any mountain that you want me to climb
The perfect combination is your heart and mine
Darlin’, won’t you give me a sign?
Standing, forgetting about the compilation, Kathryn marched into her bedroom and pulled on something casual then grabbed the most recent note and headed for the holodecks. Again, One was active and the other wasn’t. “Computer, who’s in Holodeck One?”
“That information is restricted.”
Grumbling, she entered the second holodeck and activated the fourth program. A spotlight lit up around her and a blonde woman across the room. Unlike the previous woman, this one had long wavy hair and stood in a pale green sundress.
The music faded in slowly and quickly picked up a smooth beat, the guitar coming through prominently. The woman was waiting for her cue and when she started singing, her voice held a familiar quality. Thinking about it more, the first woman singer had the same background familiarity. She just hadn’t realized it.
When the song completed, she smiled at Kathryn then fizzled away, a podium taking her place. Kathryn was sure a pen and piece of paper would be waiting for her. Sure enough, when she sat, the parchment and pen were there for her use.
I’ve loved enough to know a heartache when I see one coming
I’ve been down that road before
I’ve loved enough to know
After only a day and three letters, her heart was staring to cave and Kathryn felt it before her mind knew what was going on. The words her admirer chose were selected with care and sincerity and edged their way into her heart with ease. Still, she wasn’t ready to admit defeat.
Back in her quarters, she called up the assemblage of names and looked it over. No closer to knowing whom the mystery person was, Kathryn settled in her favorite chair with a book and fell asleep a page away from the first note she received.
--
I can see you turn away when I ask What for?
You say it isn’t anything
But I’m not sure
Something underneath the skin won’t let you be
And you try to keep it in
But I can see the woman before me must have been hard on you
‘Cause that hurt in your eyes, I never put you through
Sometimes in an argument it will show
When you go a little farther than you meant to go
I know you don’t mean the things that you say
I just want to ease the pain that’s in your way
If there are sorrows that bring back a tea
Don’t let them keep us apart
You ought to know you’ve got nothing to fear here in my heart
‘Cause you and I will never be like the past
Whatever kind of memories that you have
Nothing’s gonna hurt you now
Can’t you see I already made a vow that I can keep?
The folded parchment was waiting near the bathroom sink in the morning. Kathryn looked at it with fuzzy, blurred vision as she sipped a mug of coffee. A pang of regret filled her knowing the admirer despised her intake of it, but she got over it as soon as the first dribble went down her throat. Standing in the sonic shower now, letting the ripples of energy work on her skin, cleansing it of dead skin and microscopic dirt, Kathryn stood wide awake coming to terms with the fact that the ambiguous individual would never let up.
For two weeks, I ain’t heard the phone ring
Just a warning bell
My friends tell me they know things
I should know as well
I can’t deny it
I’ve been told
A voice inside
Says let you go
But it’s not what
I wanted to hear
Not what I wanted my heart to say to me
That you’d be long gone
Before too long
And that’s not what I wanted to see
‘Cause nobody wants to believe they could be so wrong
But one thing is clear
It’s what I needed to know
But, oh – it’s not what I wanted to hear
Sometimes my intuition
Can get carried away
But right now I’d better listen
To what it has to say
‘Cause when I tried to
Believe you’re mine
I just got silence
Every time
Has it been two weeks? It felt more like an eternity since she read the first note and attempted to find the author. She’d gone diligently through the holodeck logs to find the elusive person. She was surprised to see that the program had been deleted upon her exiting. Even looking over the transporter logs to see if the note had been transported to her chair on the Bridge had left her feeling empty and at a loss. She’d given up almost regretting not leaving a note that first day.
A distorted feeling of hope rose in her chest reading the small paragraph at the bottom:
Dear Kathryn,
I would have hoped you’d understand after viewing the holodeck program. I’m sorry that you didn’t and maybe this time you’ll feel different. Perhaps when you activate the next program, you’ll leave something behind for me to offer some sort of answer, good or bad.
Confused, she turned the parchment over and found nothing. There was no program name. Exhaling roughly, she pushed herself up and strode up the short flight of stairs to the replicator. “Coffee, black.” Not only was there a cup of coffee, there was a note underneath.
Kathryn, drinking coffee won’t activate the holodeck for you. It will only deprive you of your sleep.
Laughing, she sat down to review various reports from the departments on her ship. The task took longer than she thought to address. No one had bothered her and it was past the end of her shift. Shutting her console down, she grabbed the notes at the corner of her desk and made her way across the Bridge and into the lift quietly. The officers on staff only nodded in her passing.
“Deck six.” Kathryn looked again at the notes in her hand, the first one especially. She closed her eyes picturing the singers’ eyes again and her voice, the emotions enlaced. A smirk tipped her lips thinking of the dream she’d had about that particular holodeck character. Before it, she’d never considered being romantically involved with a woman. The dream was enjoyable, bordering on guilty pleasure, and she wouldn’t mind ending up in it if her suitor were indeed a woman and not a man.
Checking on the availability, Holodeck One was active and unavailable. She exhaled a sigh of relief seeing that Holodeck Two was at her disposal. She hesitated. “Computer, who’s in Holodeck One?”
“That information is restricted.”
Shocked, Kathryn tried to override the lockout and failed. Her frustration built, instinctively knowing her suitor was behind a simple door. What would I say if I saw… him? Or her? The thought scared her more than she wanted to admit, to anyone, so she jumped into the second holodeck as quickly as possible.
“Holodeck doors are sealed. Program Kathryn Zero-two activated.”
A long sofa appeared in the middle of the room and the lights dimmed. Now, a large fire set inside a stone fireplace lit up the room. A small table ran almost the length of the couch between it and the hearth. Kathryn moved forward to sit but stopped short seeing and hearing something… or someone … else coming to life. A dark haired woman with equally dark rimmed eyes appeared on the sofa. Unsure of what to do, she stayed still.
“You can come sit down,” the woman’s Canadian was slight. “I don’t bite.”
A small laugh left Kathryn’s lips calming her effectively. Stepping forward, she slipped between the table and sofa then sat down as far away from the woman as she possibly could. “Are you going to sing like the last one?”
Smiling, the dark haired woman laughed before answering, “No, I’m just here to talk.”
“And what exactly are we here to talk about?” Talking wasn’t on her agenda before she came into the holodeck. If she was going to talk, she wanted to see who was trying to talk at her, not a hologram.
“You obviously want to know who’s been sending you the notes, correct?” Caught like a deer in headlights, Kathryn froze not wanting to answer what she felt. “I’ll take that as a yes, but its still not the right time. Your admirer wants to hear from you first. To know what you’re thinking.”
The explanation almost made her laugh. “If that’s so true, then why doesn’t this person just come out and talk to me instead of using a hologram as a middle-woman?” The hologram thought for a moment, wrinkles of concentration showed on her brow. When she looked back at her, her pink lips were pursed. “Is he scared? Afraid that I’ll laugh and turn him away?” The hologram waved her hand. “What?”
“He,” she said uncertainly, “is not scared or anything that you might think. He just wants you to love him as him and wants you to show who you really are before he’ll allow a meeting.” She picked up a piece of paper from the table and a pen then held them toward the captain. “Take them, write something to,” she hesitated again, “him. Please.”
The hologram looked at her expectantly. Kathryn took the pen and paper and leaned over to write on the table. After a moment, she looked up from the corner of her eye, “Some privacy, please?”
An eyebrow rose in amusement before the hologram nodded and fizzled away leaving Kathryn alone in the holodeck again. She sat with the pen poised for five minutes before tossing it and settling back into the sofa not knowing what to write. Closing her eyes, Kathryn relaxed and settled farther into the comfort of the cushions. She knew what she wanted, but she also knew that any relationship beyond friendship wouldn’t work. It simply wouldn’t be appropriate, protocols or not.
She picked up the pen again and started to write:
There's one thing you should know if you want me to love you You have to give it up or let me go
Hoping her words would be understood, Kathryn folded the crisp parchment and left it on the smooth table. On her way out, she heard the hologram fizzle back into existence. When she turned and saw the woman reading it, she knew the hologram wasn’t just a simple hologram. With a smile, she allowed the doors to close. Some things just need to be kept a secret.
--
“Dismissed.” Janeway watched her senior staff exit the Briefing Room following the morning meeting. Her stomach fluttered knowing that there was a possibility of another letter waiting for her on her chair. She’d kept a careful eye on each of the men and women sitting around the table. Each of them was as they always were. No hint of amusement that he or she was fooling their dear captain.
She pushed herself up after the door swished shut and took her time getting to the door and even longer to reach the chair. Her head shook and she smiled seeing yet another note waiting for her. She shot a look at Chakotay. “How long has it been sitting there?”
“It wasn’t there before the meeting,” Harry answered, eavesdropping.
“Go get some sleep, Harry.” He nodded, happily stepping away as an ensign she vaguely recognized stepped behind the Operations console. “I’ll be you know where doing you know what. Commander, you have the Bridge.”
Picking up the amusement in his captain’s voice, Chakotay laughed, “Aye, Captain.”
Anxious to read what words her admirer had written this time, Kathryn didn’t bother to wait for the doors to shut behind her before she started reading:
If I could win your heart
If you’d let me in your heart
I’d be so happy just for these arms to be holding you close to me
There’s nothing in this world I won’t try
No limit to what I’d do to make you mine ‘cause I’d climb right up to the sky
I’d take down the stars
Just to be in your arms, baby
I’d go and capture the moon
That’s what I would do
Just to hear you say that you love me
If I could taste your kiss
There’d be no sweeter gift heaven could offer
I want to be the one living to give you love
I’d walk across this world just to be close to you ‘cause I want you close to me
Just to hear you say that you love me
For the rest of your life love me for the rest of all time
Just say the word and I’ll give you my world
There’s nothing I won’t do just to be with you
Just to hear you say that you love me
Oh, I need to hear you say that you love me
Just to hear you say that you love me
Just say you love me
Just say you need me
Kathryn dropped the note to her side and went to the replicator. “Coffee.” Unlike the day before where the coffee and a note had appeared, now there was only a note. She grabbed it and quickly went through it as the coffee suddenly materialized:
Thank you for your reply, but for now my identity must remain a mystery.
Glaring at the paper, anger started to well in the depths of her stomach. Putting it off, Kathryn snatched the mug and sipped at it. Whoever was doing this sure knew how to push the right buttons. They also had one heck of a crush on her. No, they love you. Remember the look in their eyes, she thought of the two holograms designated to speak with her.