Where I am bound (04)

Kathryn left the holodeck, her stomach rumbling from lack of food.  She’d skipped lunch to play the next holoprogram.  It had been predictable.  A third blonde had spoken with her, asking her why she liked to hide behind masks.  Afterward, another note written in reply was written and transported off to where her secret admirer would read in quiet and plan their next move.  The words she wrote went through her head again hoping she’d found the right choice:

Can you hear it cross the valley?
Can you hear that mournful sound?
I’m riding rails of silver
Going where I’m bound
High above the fields of clover
On a lazy, hot July
When I get to where I’m going
I’ll hold my head up high

I will roll across these mountains
I will take the last train out
Riding rails of silver
Going to where I’m bound
Roses, dust and ashes
Throw them where I lay
And if by chance you see me
There’ll be no sorrow on my face
For I will see the beauty
I only wish that you could see
I’ll leave my body weakened
I’ll leave my soul to wander free, so free
So if you should see a diamond
Fall down from the sky
It is just a teardrop
From the corner of my eye
As good-bye, as I fly
To where I’m bound

She’d looked through the database for the previous songs the person took their songs from.  The genre was Country and some of it was a bit too twangy for her tastes, but over all, the words moved Kathryn into choosing one of her own to reply with.  Even knowing that the song had more morbid overtones than what she truly meant with it, she hoped that her admirer would understand and take it the right way: from a Starfleet captain who’d go to her grave to get her people home before giving in to anyone under her command for some simple, personal pleasures.

She checked her chair before sitting in her Ready Room and found another note.  This is getting ridiculous.  It’s as if she knows what I’m going to write.

Kept your head in the sand too long
It makes a heart real hard to find
You’ve had enough of a love gone wrong to last you a lifetime
But tear drops on a lonely night are never gonna make things right
You have to get out from under this cloud
You need to live again
You need to laugh
You need to love
You need to roll those dice
Have to run the risk
Do the dance
Take a chance
And let the heartache ride
You need to live again
Have to pull the curtains back
Let a little moonlight in
Run around in a Cadillac
And feel the wheels spin
And when you set your spirit free
I know the past will rest in peace
I don’t care what you face
‘Cause whatever it takes
I want you to live again
 

“Janeway to Chakotay,” Kathryn called hesitantly from the confines of her office.

“Captain?”

“Join me in here for a moment, if you would.”  She closed the channel knowing he’d be at the door in a matter of moments.  Should I have asked Tuvok instead?  The door chime sounded.  “Come in.”  Chakotay looked at her expectantly, but she just stared at the parchment in her hand.  It waited on her desk when she returned from lunch with Seven.

“Read this.  Tell me what you think.”  She offered the paper to him and his apprehension was evident.  “Since you’ve told me this isn’t you, I need someone’s opinion.”  She waved her hand in frustration, her mind in conflict with her weakening heart, and she watched him read it.  When he looked at her again, a small smile graced his lips.  “What?”

He handed the paper back.  “Do you want my honest opinion or do you want to hear what you’re trying to tell yourself?”  Janeway looked at him, daring him to give her the latter answer.  “All right then,” he paused, “they’re right.”

Janeway swallowed trying to keep her nerves under the surface.  “And I bet you think I should throw protocol out an airlock for this, don’t you?”  He was slightly confused.  “I’m sorry,” she leaned back and sighed, “you don’t know the entirety of it all.  You’ve only seen me receive them.”  She sighed heavily sitting up.  “They’re love letters, Chakotay.  All of them.  At first, I tossed the notion out that airlock but whoever this is, they’re persistent and they know just where to push and just what to say to get me thinking.”  He was about to speak, but she waved him off.  “I’ve checked transporter logs, I’ve checked the holodeck logs and I’ve had the notes tested for any trace of identity, but nothing.  Not a thing.”

“Holodeck logs?”

Janeway closed her eyes and sighed.  “Computer: coffee, black.”  Striding to the replicator, she answered, “The first message said to activate a holodeck program.  Since then, there have been three more.  All together, there are four.  With this note, and probably the one I found this morning, there’ll be two more programs to fiddle with after my shift.”  Grabbing the mug, she gulped it and winced as it scalded her esophagus on the way down.

“I’m not sure what you want to hear, Kathryn.”

Sitting on the sofa lining the view ports, Janeway thought about what she did want to hear. “Chakotay, I don’t know what I want.  That’s my problem.”  She took a smaller sip of the coffee.  “It’s a woman.”  The small confession elicited a large intake of breath from her first officer.  “Surprised?”

“A little.”  His voice cracked showing he was more than a little surprised.

“I was, too, at first, but every one of those holograms has been female.  What else am I supposed to think?”  Chakotay stood on the lower level of her office staring past her into space.  “I know what you’re thinking and I’m sorry.”

“Are you?”

Janeway took the defensive for a moment before backing down, detecting the jealousy inflected in his voice.  “We’ve been through this, Chakotay.  You know it’s not possible.”

“Yes,” he looked at her sharply.  “And now, I know exactly why.”  The man turned on his heels and exited like a tornado.

Kathryn shook her head, knowing the truth.  He knew the truth, too; only with the new information, he chose to ignore it.

Catch 22 (05)

They talk for hours
But she never really says what’s in her heart
The way she needs her, the way she wants her
It’s a miracle to feel that way at all
 

To my secret admirer,

I’ve determined that you are a woman.  Perhaps this is the reason you’re unsure of approaching me beside the fact that I’ll tell you I don’t need you or want you because of my sense of duty.  I know Voyager’s situation in the Delta Quadrant leaves little opportunity for me to settle with someone, but I still feel inclined to follow protocol and carry out my duties.  I cannot let my feelings, real and genuine as they are becoming, to interfere with that.  I’m sorry, for you wasting your time and efforts on me and for me because I may be giving up something that could last a lifetime.

Kathryn

Kathryn left the holodeck regretting her words.

There's your trouble (06)

Kathryn stalked onto the Bridge expecting another letter.  To her surprise, the command chair was empty waiting for her to sit.  Perhaps it was Chakotay after all.  The morning meeting went as well as to be expected.  The area of space they were traversing was calmer than anything they’d ever passed through.  The boredom was starting to get on her nerves.  If the letters stopped coming, she was sure she’d go stir crazy before exiting such a bland quarter of the cosmos.  And if there was one good thing to come out of slow space, it would be getting home just a little faster.

She was almost ready to put the ship on Red Alert just for kicks, but the let down of the falsehood would only depress her even more.  From that, she guessed the entire crew would feel the same and discarded the idea.  Even a drill at this point would be stupid.

Not taking the time to excuse herself, Janeway strode into the confines of her Ready Room.  The sight on her desk slowed her down, forcing her to almost tiptoe around behind it.  A large pot of coffee sat on a tray with a mug beside it.  The light orange parchment stuck out in contrast from the other items.  She poured herself a cup of coffee before sitting and plucking the note from the tray to read:

The secret of life is a good cup of coffee

Kathryn laughed, stopping the cup from making contact with her lips.  You’ve changed your mind about my coffee intake.  Wise decision my friend.  Very wise.

The secret of life is to keep your eye on the ball
The secret of life is a beautiful woman
The secret of life is mom’s apple pies
 

Dark blue eyes widened taking a sip of the steaming brew.  Kathryn took the cup away from her lips staring at it, amazed that such a thing could taste so good.  Oh, you have definitely changed your mind about my coffee.  Closing her eyes, she brought the mug to her nose and sniffed the scent.  It was distinctly different from the replicator’s version and she wondered how whoever it was managed to program the special blend.

The secret of life is getting’ up early
The secret of life is stayin’ up late
 

Again, she laughed, Oh, really?  Then why haven’t I found it yet?

The secret of life is try not to hurry
But don’t wait… don’t wait
The secret of life is to find the right woman
The secret of life is there ain’t no secret
The secret of life is nothin’ at all, oh, it’s nohin’ at all

Should have been different, but it wasn't different, was it?
Same old story
Dear Jane and so long
Should have fit like a glove
Should have fit like a ring, like a diamond ring
Token of true love
Should have all worked out but it didn't
You should be here now but you aren’t
There's my trouble, there's your trouble
You can't see I love you
You can't see you do
So now you're thinking about
All you're missing, how deep you're sinking
Round and round dragging down
Why don't you cash in your chips?
Why don't you call in a loss?
Not such a big loss
Chalk it up better luck
 

Refolding the note haphazardly, she went for another cup of coffee.  Taking the first sip, she thought: This person is good.  I may just cave yet.

Without a word, she left her office, coffee and note in hand, and entered the lift.  It seemed her crew was getting used to the mid-day holodeck visits.  Chakotay hadn’t even given her a second look.  “Deck six.”  I’m sure he’ll get over it eventually, she thought stepping out onto the deck.  And if he doesn’t?  If he makes it hard for you?  The little nagging voice inside, previously silenced, finally spoke her mind about the whole situation.  There’s always the Brig.  Amused, she stepped into the holodeck knowing what she was going to write.

“Holodeck doors are sealed. Program Kathryn Zero-seven.”

“Damn, are we up that far all ready?”  As usual, the podium appeared with the parchment and pen topping it.  And, as usual, Kathryn took to the stool, gathered up the pen and wrote what came into mind.  The sound of something fizzling into creation made its way to her ears.  Wanting to get her words out and written down, she ignored it.  When Kathryn looked up, she saw the first blonde singer a few meters before the podium.  “Hello again,” she spoke with a smile and folded the parchment.

“I see you’re in good spirits today, Kathryn.”

The genuine smile was now laced with cunning, “You’re in the other holodeck, aren’t you?”  The blonde’s eyes shaded.  “I don’t know how you do it, but you’ve kept me from learning who you truly are all this time.  Don’t think I’ll try to unmask you now.  I like the intrigue.”  Kathryn held the parchment out for the woman to take.  As she did, she smiled and walked past her to the holodeck doors.

“Kathryn,” the blonde called. The captain turned her head around just enough.  “Thank you.”  She tucked a small lock of hair behind her ear and opened the note.  As she read, Kathryn smiled faintly and left her alone.

This ole heart is flesh and blood
Gets in trouble when it cares too much
Keeps hangin’ on when it ought to give up on something that’s passed
I wish it had impulse engines I wish it had warp drive
Cause I could sure use just one of those things
Then this danged fallin’ into love wouldn’t hurt so bad
But this ole heart ain’t made like that

Standing quietly alone in Holodeck One, Kathryn’s admirer stood mimicking the motions of the holographic persona in the second room.  Recognizing the captain was being won over, tears welled blurring already emotional vision.  Slowly, a finger came up to wipe the tears away before they fell.