All that I am

Before leaving the holodeck that morning, Kathryn left another message. She recalled her words seeing another orange piece of paper on the Captain’s chair.

Chakotay looked at her as she fingered the paper then opened it. “Cheaters never prosper. Keep your eyes on your own paper.” He chuckled going back to his work.

“Not this morning. Yet. I have to talk to Neelix,” she stopped herself. “About something.” He offered her a concerned look as she left the chair. “It’s all yours. Keep her clean and keep her running.”

He laughed, “Aye, Captain. Tom, take us into Borg space, hm? We’ll have a little fun and have her nice and shiny when the Captain returns.”

“Funny, Commander,” she said as the turbo lift doors slid into place. “Deck two.” The lift lurched and stopped and she stepped out heading toward the Mess Hall. The room was near empty so she spotted the stocky man quickly.

“And the memo. Everything’s set up. Tom programmed a flawless setting and the menu is set right with it. All you need to do is send the bulletin and we’ll be set.”

She smiled. “Excellent. Thank you.” With the padd he offered in her hand, she turned to leave. Halfway to the door, she noticed Seven sitting in the corner and nodded to her before exiting.

Program activated, set down, pen in hand and parchment before her, Kathryn wrote:

The paper disappeared as soon as she set it down and she was back out the door as quickly as she entered. And back on the Bridge, she was subject to more teasing.

“What?” Chakotay pointed down at her chair before she sat. “Oh.” She picked it up, but didn’t sit. “You said she was here.” Janeway cringed realizing her slip. Looking around, all eyes were on her. She took a deep breath. “For right now, that stays with us, understood?”

“Gotcha,” Chakotay answered. She wasn’t sure if everyone else nodded in agreement, but at the same time, she didn’t care.

“Again, the Bridge is yours.” Janeway waved a hand then disappeared into her Ready Room. She stopped short just outside the sensor area allowing the doors to close. A hand rose to cover her closing eyes as a sigh escaped her lips.

With a flick of a finger, the paper was opened, the scripted words screaming out for her to read.

Slowly, Kathryn’s arm dropped. She stood for moments on end staring into the space of her office, eyes unfocused, mind blank. Accompanied by a sigh, her shoulders dropped and she moved to her desk. Manually, she pressed commands to upload the information from the padd to be transferred to the main console and then sent to everyone on the ship. His timing is impeccable, she thought. Yes, but are you ready? She smiled knowing the answer to her mind’s eyes question.

A neatly folded piece of colored parchment materialized on the console she was working. Her fingers halted immediately as she looked at the object. She tapped two commands before snatching the paper up and flipping the top up. The handwriting wasn’t as precise as hers, but it had its own flair of elegance that made in her stomach flutter with anticipation.

Kathryn was a bit dismayed. The day hadn’t been bright. First, a nightmare plagued her sleep waking her three separate times. Her mood decreased more when she woke without a note waiting for her, even on the Bridge or in her Ready Room. During lunch, she’d taken a trip to the holodecks and found no new program to run. Her shift ran slow and now that she was in her quarters cuddled up with a book minutes felt like hours.

She stood and went to the view ports to watch the stars go by. Moments passed before she turned in a huff and stormed out into the hall. Coarsely, she ordered the lift to the holodecks then activated the last program she ran. As always, the paper and pen appeared on the coffee table. Angry, she gathered them and wrote.

Could there be a different ending
To the same old story
Cause you’re not the first to say
You’re gonna be there for me
I need to know what’s in your heart
Can you finish what you start?
How can I be sure I won’t be sorry?
If heartaches, tears, and shadows of doubt are part of the deal, you can count me out
But if you’re talking a game I can win
You can count me in
When you tell me you’re the one I’ve always needed
You don’t know how much I’m wanting to believe
But I’ve heard it all before
Now I’m needing something more
A promise is no good if you can’t keep it

She folded the paper madly then dropped the pen. Tears threatening, Kathryn wrapped the blanket around her and collapsed on the sofa.

In the morning, two hours after the alpha shift began Kathryn woke to the sound of the transporter delivering a note. She sat up eyeing it carefully, debating on whether or not she wanted to read it. Her heart won out over her stubbornness and she read:

Shaking her head, Kathryn grabbed another piece of paper and scribbled frantically.

I don’t want another heartbreak
I don’t need another turn to cry
I don’t want to learn the hard way
But you got me like a rocket
Shooting straight across the sky
It’s a feeling like this
It’s centrifugal motion
It’s perpetual bliss
It’s that pivotal moment
It’s impossible
Cinderella said to Snow White
How does love get so off course?
All I wanted was a white knight
With a good heart, soft touch, fast horse
Ride me off into the sunset
Baby, I’m forever yours

The fold she made was lopsided. She dropped the card on the table and left before the transporter picked it up. Her lips turned in a heavy frown as she stormed onto the bridge. Chakotay offered her a concerned look but she didn’t notice as she slipped through the doors into her Ready Room.

Not two minutes had passed as she screamed and ranted at the computer trying to make it give her a lousy cup of coffee, not the pure type her admirer had encoded before someone asked for admittance. She settled unhappily with the savory brew. “Come.” Not to her surprise, looking over the brim of the cup and through some steam, Chakotay walked cautiously inside. “What?”

He said nothing until he was comfortable in a chair opposite his captain. “Did you find out who she is?”

Janeway laughed into the cup, steam falling over the sides and into her face. “Not yet,” was her chipped answer. “Why?”

“Has she backed off?” Her eyes settled on him for a moment before she closed them and sipped the coffee. “No, it’s none of my business, but you’re obviously,” he paused, thinking, “pissed.”

“You’re right,” Janeway’s voice was low and cold. “It’s none of your concern.” She dropped the cup from her face. “If there’s nothing else, Commander?” She motioned toward the exit with a hand flourish. As he neared the door, she stopped him. “You’ll be at the party?”

Chakotay stopped and turned his head. “Who came up with the idea for that anyway?”

He was obviously unhappy with the theme Neelix and Tom had chosen. “Tom. Neelix. I left it up to them. I think Harry had some minor input, but don’t quote me. I agree it’s an odd choice, but it should be fun to see who’ll come as the captain.” With a slight smirk on her lips, Kathryn sipped at the coffee. Despite herself, her mood had lightened considerably.

“Don’t get any wild ideas.” Smiling, Chakotay finally slipped back onto the Bridge. In silence, the smile dropped from Kathryn’s face and her mood hit rock bottom again. She put the coffee down and leaned back in her chair. It was only in pulling her knees up to her chest did she realize that she never bothered to change out of her night clothes the night before. Snickering at her lack of mind, Kathryn left the sanctity of her office and waltzed across the bridge and into the turbo lift as if nothing was the matter.

As soon as she stepped through the threshold into her quarters, she laughed aloud. The confused and concerned looks she received from her crew only lightened her for a moment, though, before the frown returned in full force. With a sigh, Kathryn entered the bathroom and showered.

The remainder of the day passed by without incident. The stars and space were quiet as well as the ship’s goings on. It was an oddly quiet day that Kathryn welcomed with widely open arms. Secluded in her Ready Room, she went over reports that required her attention and ate in companionable silence with herself. When the door chime did finally sound, she jumped, dropping the padd in her hand. “Come.” Preening, she allowed the intrusion and realized it was well into the beta shift.

The doors never opened. After a moment or two, she shrugged and went back to reading. She heard the sound again and allowed their entry. Still, the doors remained closed. Confused, she made her way over, the door sliding open with ease. The beta shift glanced over with expressions just as her own: confused. Janeway shrugged and moved back.

Janeway turned about and followed her officer’s pointing finger to the floor where a bouquet of flowers sat in a crystal vase. Looking up, she questioned, “Let me guess. Someone transported them in?”

“No, but we were sworn not to say who it was.” The officer apologized seeing the crestfallen expression come over the captain before she receded into her Ready Room once again.

Flowers in hand, Kathryn slowly walked back to her desk searching through the green foliage and colored petals for a card. Tucked neatly under a delicate pink tulip was a small card with her name written precisely on the face.

I still don’t believe in wasting time
So long before we end this night:
I will have held you
I will have kissed you
I will have claimed you
I will have your heart
You will be mine
A woman in love, she’s above the law
So, long before this night is gone
You top my list of things to do
I will get close to you before this night is through

Kathryn felt the smile creep up on her lips as she read the signature. Shaking her head, she sniffed the flowers once before skipping onto the Bridge. The beta crew watched her with lidded glances as she went. Before the turbo lift doors slid shut, she said: “Not a word.”

“Deck six.” Tingles set fires in her abdomen as the lift moved downward. More times than she could count her fingers combed through her hair and pressed her uniform as flat as it could go. She stopped her right foot from tapping several times before the lift halted and opened up for her to leave. After some time, the computer asked her to leave or state a new direction in which to travel. The rude beeps and rushed words forced her out of the compartment into the corridor.

Kathryn fiddled with the card, still in her hands. The program was all ready active in the holodeck when she stopped before it, too anxious to enter right away. It was the hearth, sofa and coffee table, she noted. Crewmembers walked by nodding Hello to her. In return, she offered an uneasy half smile and slight shrug. If they were concerned for her, they didn’t show it by coming back.

Gathering her wits, swallowing the butterflies and taking a deep breath, she stepped into the sensor area forcing the holodeck doors back. Revealing just what she expected, Kathryn hesitantly leapt through the threshold. Inside, the fire was roaring, the coffee table was set with a coffee decanter and a tea pot and the sofa looked as welcoming as it always had with her blanket draped carefully over the back. Only one thing was missing.

The quiet echoes of her shoes against the decking rang loud in her ears walking to the sofa. Her heart fell seeing the comfortable couch empty. Kathryn looked up and out into the darkness surrounding her. Everywhere she looked, there was simple blackness. She smiled and sat then closed her eyes.

“I’m not as non-complaint as you thought I might be. Hm?” She heard a laugh stifled by being pushed through a nose. “So,” she buried her hands in her lap and ducked her head, “Snow White, did you bite that apple or are you going to return my shoe?”

The butterflies returned in full force and a sudden rush of wetness threatened to spill down her cheeks. Kathryn laughed nonetheless. “You’re good.” She shook her head, wiped away a stray tear and felt the right side of the sofa tip. “You’re also a liar.”

“Oh?” Kathryn kept her eyes closed and head down, unable to come to terms with reality.

“I merely took the words and wrote them out. I did not formulate the phrases.” Silence passed between the two. “I meant every word even though they were not my own.”

Finally, sharply, Kathryn turned her head and looked into love’s eyes. “I know.” Kathryn lowered her gaze shortly before speaking softly, “Do you really mean it, Seven?” Her lower lip trembled from insecurity. When Seven’s hand reached out and touched her face, it felt all too natural to lean in and nuzzle the soft skin of her palm. Within moments, she felt Seven’s lips on hers. Losing herself for a flash, Kathryn suddenly pulled back, eyes wide.

Tripping as she stood, Kathryn backed away from the sofa. She could feel the sting of tears behind her eyes. “I-I can’t.” She stopped and rested her hands on the arm of the couch. “I’m sorry.” With a shake of convinced uncertainty, Kathryn flurried from the holodeck.

In her quarters, she collapsed heavily on the bedspread and cried herself to sleep.

Part I: Perfect Love

You can’t buy it at the store
Try it on for size
Then bring it back if it don’t feel right
No love, love ain’t like that
You can’t trade it in like an automobile
That’s got too many miles an’ rust on its wheels
No love, love ain’t like that

The tear was loud in her ears. Kathryn tossed the paper to the floor and looked around. The sheets that were on her bed lay on the floor rumpled and the pillows were flung to the side. A chair in the living area was knocked over. The vase of fresh flowers on the dining table was down and cracked. A half dry puddle of water stained the surface and the flowers hung limp over the edge.

Her comm. badge chirped quietly followed by Chakotay’s voice. “What?” she barked. There was silence as he obviously took to quarters that were more private. She tapped the badge, closing the channel, but seconds later the badge chirped again and his voice came over the system clearly.

“You just bit my head off and closed the channel, what else am I supposed to think?”

“You’re not.” He sighed. “I’m logging myself off duty for today. Deal with it.” Kathryn, irritated, tapped the badge again then tossed it across the room. “Computer, activate a privacy seal on my quarters and lock the door.” A set of quiet, compliant beeps followed her command as she set about cleaning up her mess.

Hours later, standing quietly by the view port, her quiet contemplation was interrupted. The door to her quarters opened as easily as if she’d authorized entry. Steadfast, she watched the stars streak by hearing the footfalls move closer.

“You’re angry with me?” The hum of the warp core was the only noise. “You asked me if I meant it,” she started, ice lacing her voice. “I do. I know you do, too. I also know that you’re too hung up on duty to know what’s good for you. That you’re afraid to let go of the past, live in the present and look forward to the future. All you can see are the stars in the Alpha Quadrant,” she finished quietly and rested a hand lightly on Kathryn’s shoulder. “I want for you to be able to see you and see me, too.”

Biting her lip to keep the tears locked up, Kathryn debated on turning. The hand on her shoulder turned into two on her arms forcing her around. She dropped her head and lowered her eyes. She whispered something even she couldn’t comprehend. Seven tipped her face up again. “Do you always have to use Borg tactics against me?” She ended with a disturbed sigh.

“You know,” she said thoughtfully. “This relationship is going to impair my ability to act as an impartial captain.”

“No. It will not.” The previous sentence slowly settled in her brain. “Does that mean you’re not going to run away from me?”

Ducking her head, Kathryn stepped away. “All I can promise you is trouble. You said it yourself: I’m ‘hung up’ on duty, I’m afraid and all I can see is my way back to Earth.” Staring into Seven’s eyes now, Kathryn took a tiny step forward. “I am afraid, Seven. I’m afraid that I’ll lose someone else out here that I care about. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get us home. I’m afraid of opinions and stares. I’m afraid of what every new day could bring and what it won’t bring. And I’m afraid of getting close and hurting you in the end.”

Seven’s confident persistence made her smile. A soft chuckle rose up her throat. “Part of your search for perfection?”

A shade of red passed over Seven’s face as a shy smile turned her lips up. “To that,” she reached out and pulled her diminutive captain to her, “there is an end.” For the second time, Seven awkwardly pressed her lips gently to Kathryn’s. Hesitant as she was, Kathryn didn’t back away. There was no place for her to run. “You do remember the party?”

Kathryn sighed after catching her breath and running her tongue over her lips. “Uh, yeah.” She leaned into Seven and wrapped her arms around her slim waist. “Looks like you’re all ready.” She tilted her head to the side. “Seven, really?”

Looking at her uniform, Seven found nothing wrong with her choice. “It’s only appropriate.”

Disbelieving, she stood away. “Please, tell me that I don’t have to jump into one of your bio-suits now?” Seven looked her up and down thoughtfully. “No.”

“Not yet,” Kathryn said and let go of Seven’s hand just before the doors allowed them entry to the holodeck.

They were fashionably late. Seven dressed in a red command uniform, four faux gold pips adoring her collar. Still, Kathryn wondered how many others would be dressed as her in this silly masquerade. When Neelix proposed the idea of Come As Your Most Desired Rank she wasn’t too thrilled, but the idea grew on her like wild ivy.

Stepping inside, though, she was surprised to see no one at all. She turned to Seven. “Where is everyone?” The garden to her left faded to black in a short distance, as did both gardens behind Seven and to the right. Behind her, the building was lit up with red tinted floodlights.

“I suppose,” Seven spoke as she walked by, “ we should go inside?” She opened the wooden door only to offer more darkness inside.

Definitely confused and thinking, Kathryn bowed her head in thanks as she went inside. Seven closed the door behind her locking out any light the artificial moon had lent them in the garden. Seven’s hand went over her eyes fast but gentle. “Seven, what the hell are you doing?”

“How am I supposed to calm down when I can’t see?” Seven’s other hand claimed her waist and pulled her back. Despite her verbal misgiving’s, she wasn’t making any effort in removing the hold Seven had on her. “Seven, I told you, not yet. This is new to us, just think of how it’ll affect everyone else.” Someone in front of her laughed then she heard a smack and a hushed whimper. Laughing, she tried to wiggle out of Seven’s hold. “What the hell is going on out there?”

“Oh, good. Now I’m going to be blinded. Not that I can see anyway, but what’s sight to a starship captain?” She could hear her crew laughing somewhere around her and felt the quivers in Seven’s stomach. “Go ahead, laugh at me. I’ll get back at all of you for this some day. Just you wait.”

“Seven,” she sighed, sarcasm lacing her voice. “Will you please let me go?” As asked, Seven let her go. The soft light didn’t blind her, but the sight of her entire crew dressed in a captain’s uniform did. “You’re all crazy, do you know that?” They nodded collectively then parted. Her eyes grew wide with realization and she held her head. “Damn,” she smiled. Her face felt red-hot. She turned to Seven. “Not that I can’t tell from that grin on your face, but you were behind this while charade, weren’t you?” Seven merely nodded, the grin growing. “You’re evil, pure evil.” Absent-minded, she picked up Seven’s hand and turned back to the crowd, most of which were digging into the goodies on the table they’d revealed. “And you aided and abetted her, didn’t you?”

Neelix, Tom, the Doctor and Chakotay had stepped forward. “Of course we did,” Tom started.

“And, besides, it was worth it to pull the wool over the all-knowing Captain’s eyes for once. Especially for such a good cause.” Chakotay offered Seven a fond look that made Kathryn feel as if she was missing something. Many something’s.

“Well,” she said, “the plan worked, can we stop making me the fool now, hm?”

“Come on, Captain. Haven’t you heard of auto-pilot?” Tom gave up his quips quickly when his captain offered a not-so-nice glare. “We’re rotating.”

“Are you telling me I have to go back to work in the next rotation, Tom?” Kathryn’s words, although playful, sounded threatening. “On my birthday no less, and after a full shift.” She shook her head. “Aren’t I over worked enough?” Each of them shook their heads negatively. “Better watch it, the decks in the cargo bays need cleaning. Keep your toothbrushes handy, boys, I’m off to mingle.”

Starting off, her arm extended when Seven didn’t move with her. She turned back and grabbed both of Seven’s hands in her own and pulled. Kathryn walked backward for a few steps as Seven finally allowed herself to be dragged off toward the crowd. Before reaching them, Kathryn stopped and offered a card to the blonde. Surprised, Seven took the card with a small smirk and read it quietly.

“The feeling is more than mutual.” She thought for a moment about the words she’d read once before. “Although, some of the content does not yet apply.”

Kathryn stepped closer and tip toed and kissed Seven’s full lips. “You’re impatient.” Dropping to her feet, she grabbed Seven’s hands and led the way across the room.

“What is this, Chakotay? Talent night from hell?” Kathryn watched as the fourth crewmember walked off the makeshift stage. Four acts, four flops, she thought. The sentiment was nice.

“Well,” the young girl looked as horrified as Kathryn felt, “it’s a good thing she ended up in Starfleet.” Even the untalented Ensign had a laugh at Naomi’s joke. The audience, half of who were seated on the floor, offered a mix of giggles and full out laughter.

Naomi opened her mouth to speak but looked to the side of the stage curiously. “One moment everyone.” Soon she was leaning over the edge of the stage speaking with someone in the shadows. Back in the middle of the middle of the table that served as the stage she announced, “Okay. We’ve had a little change in plans.” The lights dimmed to black. “All part of the changes. One minute.”

Looking around, Kathryn glanced upward, a gasp coming out of her mouth now. She nudged Chakotay. “Look up.” Unsure if he did, she continued, “What has she got up her sleeve now?”

She shook her head at his stating the obvious and took her gaze off the simulated star field above. Seven was taking Naomi’s place on the stage. A slow smile crept up on Kathryn’s face.

Seven laughed lightly. “I promise tonight will be much different.” She added after a moment of gathering herself, “In a good way, of course.” The crew chuckled.

Reflecting on how much Seven had changed since she’d met her, Kathryn’s smile grew. The banter between she and her peers only added to the mix of feelings rising inside.

A slow guitar accompanied by an even slower rat-a-tat tapped drum caught her attention. Kathryn looked to Seven. She was unable to tear her gaze away when Seven began to sing.

You’ve got a way with me
Somehow, you got me to believe
In everything that I could be
I’ve gotta say-you really got a way

A crooked smile appeared before the first line finished out. By the second phrase, Kathryn was mouthing the words.

You’ve got way it seems
You gave me faith to find my dreams
You’ll never know just what that means
Can’t you see…you got a way with me
It’s in the way you want me
It’s in the way you hold me
The way you show me just what love’s made of
It’s in the way we make love

Kathryn flushed when her crew, the second rotation, joined in with numerous wolf whistles, catcalls and surprised laughs. She felt Chakotay’s eyes on her, too.

You’ve got a way with words
You get me smiling even when it hurts
There’s no way to measure what your love is worth
I can’t believe the way you get through to me
It’s in the way you want me
It’s in the way you hold me
The way you show me just what love’s made of
It’s in the way we make love

This time when the crew whistled, Kathryn laughed. She looked at Chakotay, hearing his laughter.

It’s in the way you want me
It’s in the way you hold me
The way you show me just what love’s made of
It’s in the way we make love
It’s just the way you are

The last line Seven sung was whispered. She bowed her head and ducked off stage, the crew clapping and whistling in appreciation.

She smiled watching Seven walk toward their position. “I suppose I am, but it’s because you’re all in my life. Not only for the reasons you see.” Hoping the sentiment sated his ego, Kathryn stood and met Seven halfway.

Without word, she wrapped her arms tightly around Seven’s torso. Not only because someone so amazing is in my life, Chakotay. Nevertheless, she is something more.

“Thank you.” Seven nodded, squeezing her strongly. Kathryn stood back a little and met Seven’s blue eyes squarely. “You were right you know.” Seven arched a brow in question. “Your singing this time around was much improved.”

Kathryn blushed then stood back fully, noticing that some of the crew was taking more than their share of interest in their private moment.

Any presents offered had been opened, the cake was cut and more than half gone and the supply of appetizers was dwindling. She looked at Seven again, a devilish gleam lurking in her dark blue eyes. “I think it’s time we make our exit.”

Kathryn ran a delicate finger over the smooth top of a picture frame then placed a tall thermos of coffee beside the console on her desk. She noticed a light blinking indicating there were unread messages. Sighing as she sat in the high-backed chair, she punched the list of messages up but found only one. There was no tag on the message to say who sent it or from where. Curious, she tapped it open and read:

Sunday mornin’ when the paper comes let’s read it front to back and see what’s going on
Drink our coffee by the flowerbed and talk about the stuff that’s running through our heads
When you look at me the way you do I can’t help but look right back at you
Yeah, this is a perfect love
We’re doin’ nothin’ but what a perfect love does
We’re not tryin’ to make history
It’s just you and me in a perfect love
Hey, let’s drive to the edge of town
See what there is to see and then turn back around
Stop by and see your mom and hear her talk about the busy week they had
Then let’s take a walk beside the lake, see what kind of fun we can make
Ain’t it a perfect love
I know how much you love me just because

She shook her head, a smile tipping her lips to the ceiling, glancing at the image in the frame on her eyes’ way to the view out the windows: a calm scene of the courtyard at Starfleet headquarters glowing in the morning sunlight.