All Dressed Up For San Francisco
 

You’re Allowed…

Personal Log; Kathryn Janeway; May 9th, 2380:

What more can I say about the guilt still flowing through me?  I’ve said it all before: in these logs, to everyone.  I first told Tuvok all those years ago; I promised him I’d get him home to see his family.  I promised him I’d get them all home, but they all haven’t made the journey with me.  I regret everyone one of his or her deaths, mostly those who died in the last leg home.  They died getting us through that portal, allowed us to make that jump.  Moreover, because of me, they’ll never see their families smiling faces again.

Those who died dealing with any one of the species we’d come across – the Caretakers, the Kazon, Hirogen, Borg, Vidiian’s – I feel them haunting me.  Their breath is cold against the back of my neck and back when I walk.  Their whispering voices echo in my ears when it’s quiet, when I’m alone.  I almost hate them for haunting me as they do, but then again I don’t blame them.  I killed them all.  Their blood reddens my palms and fingers as if I did it by hand.  I realize I haven’t physically killed them.  I’ve only killed them by being… their worthless captain who couldn’t keep them safe enough until she could get them home to mommy and daddy, husband or wife.

In my dreams, they come after me.  A Borg ship covered in layers of ice.  I run through the corridors dodging icy drones with their ghostly bodies chasing my heel.  They have never caught me, though.  Somehow, I feel comfortable saying they never will.  Those same dreams, others haunt me.  Others I’ve killed.  My father.  I failed him a long time ago, I know.  What would he say if he saw me now sitting here writing my fears and troubles repeatedly as if I were in a time loop?  I don’t wish to speculate.  I do it too much as it is.  Justin, too, he chases me.  I hear his voice calling out to me.  He wants me to turn to him, to embrace him, let me hear that he forgives me.  His forgiveness is just something my mind conjured up to make me feel better.  If I turn, will I die, too?

In a dream I had when first settling in to the Delta quadrant life, I sat in my quarters in a chair, comfortable, reading when the door chime sounded.  In slow motion, I closed the book, dropped the throw to the floor and walked to the door.  When I opened the door, wolves sat outside.  The corridor I expected to be there wasn’t, and in place of it was a forest setting.  The wolves simply sat staring at me with glowing eyes.  They were calm.  Over the years, the wolves became angrier, more agitated.  Their teeth began to show and their fur raised and fluffed.  As much as they tried, they never frightened me.  I had that dream last night, and for once, the wolves tricked a fright in me.

I could see into their eyes, the different possibilities to where my life could go at that particular fork.  The fork now was taking or keep declining The Edificate.  In one case, some time after I’d never taken command of her, there was blackness.  A void.  Infinite choices were in the wolves’ eyes waiting for me to choose.  Declining only once, twice, ten, thirteen or twenty times, the future was still dark.  It seemed to me that I had to take the ship.  I didn’t care to look at all those choices.  I searched for the wolf that had my future with Seven in it.  I couldn’t find it.

It makes me feel as if I’m going to be alone forever.  Everyone I’ve cared about, been with, has died, left me to fend for myself.  I don’t want to be alone forever.  I’m afraid to be that alone.  In truth, I hate being alone.  Some people see that, others don’t.  Daddy didn’t.  Nevertheless, I could never allow myself to say: ‘I don’t want to be alone;’ ‘I want to go with you;’ ‘Please, don’t leave me.’  I don’t have the courage for it.  They were my courage.  All of them.  I hope Seven doesn’t follow in their paths.  I love her too much, and I’m still afraid to tell her.  I can’t tell her my fears.  I can’t let her know how weak I really am inside, that I-

Kathryn heard the door and ended her log, encrypting it, and then shoved the padd firmly under her bottom.  She quickly pulled another padd from the pile pretending to be engrossed in reading it.  Realizing it was a letter from Chakotay, she winced and cursed herself.  “Seven?”  When the tall blonde entered the room, she dropped the padd to the desk, brushing it aside back with the others.  Seven stopped short.  “What?”

Head cocked to the side, Seven questioned, “You were reading Chakotay’s messages?”

Deciding to play along, she ducked her head and sighed.  “Yes.”  Seven smiled.  “He’s doing well?”  Standing before her, Seven took up her old customary stance: shoulders back, hands clasped behind.  “Please don’t stand like that here.”  She watched Seven relax and move around behind her and then felt fingers tickling her neck.

“The Doctor is a liar.”

“Oh is he?”  Seven’s fingers worked harder, massaging instead of slight feathery caresses.  Kathryn arched her neck allowing easier access.

“Not entirely, but to a degree.  Chakotay is to be released next week.”  She felt muscles tense up under her attention.  “I’ve asked him to refrain from contacting you at that time.”  Kathryn turned halfway around, laying a hand on her own, and looked down questioningly.  “I said nothing.  I merely asked him to back off.”

“And us?”

Seven turned the chair to make Kathryn face her, and then bent at her knees.  “We are none of his concern.”  She lifted two different hands to her lips and kissed the differing one gently, taking a bit of flesh into her mouth and sucking momentarily savoring the sweet taste.

Grinning, Kathryn playfully offered, “Don’t you have a job to get to, love?”  As soon as Seven looked up, she grabbed her face between her hands and kissed her solidly on the mouth.  Previous kisses were chaste in comparison as she set on tunneling her way into the confines of Seven’s mouth with her tongue.

Splitting her lips slightly, Seven offered little hesitation.  Feeling Kathryn’s tongue caressing her own, she gasped and fell backward somewhat and grabbed the slim waist for support.

Kathryn’s eyes shot open wide feeling the forward momentum pulling her from the chair.  Seven lost her balance, grabbing her and succeeded in unseating her.  She broke this kiss to squeak a scream, holding onto Seven’s head in case it hit the floor hard.  Over the sound of her knuckles cracking against hard wood, Seven let out a groan.  For a moment, she sat still, straddling Seven’s hips, dazed.  Seeing stifled amusement in Seven’s eyes made her laugh.

She felt hands moving down her torso as Seven sat up, sliding her down to sit on her thighs.  “I take it you didn’t mean for this to happen?”  Seven shook her head no, her mouth narrowly agape.  Kathryn looked down at their position.  She was straddling Seven, her legs out in front of her and Seven was below her doing the same.  “I rather like this, so it’s not a problem.”  Kathryn leaned in for another kiss, cupping Seven’s face, “Does your head hurt?”  It was a light, quick nip.  “Hm?”  Not waiting for an answer, she took Seven’s lips again, but she seemed uninterested.  One hand had left her torso, too.  She sat back and looked at her just as Seven’s hand came back with a padd between the fingers.  Seven stared at her for a few moments, asking for an explanation, then looked down at the contents.  “Please don’t ask me to tell you what’s in that.”

“You don’t have to hide it from me.  Your logs are personal and I wouldn’t…  Kathryn, you should know that.”  Seven offered the padd; Kathryn took it and slouched, looking down at the device in her hands.  “Did something happen today?”  The auburn topped head shook just barely from left to right.  “Look at me.”  Receiving no response, she brought her hand up and pushed the sullen face upward.  Kathryn’s eyes were averted.  “Will you talk to me?  Tell me what’s going on up there.”

Debating, Kathryn wondered if she should share her latest entry.  She tapped the controls to decrypt a file then handed the padd back to Seven.  When she didn’t take it, she finally looked at her.  “It’s not today’s, but it’s something I want you to read.”

Gingerly, Seven accepted the padd then hesitated to play it.

I still don’t understand, even looking back at us now, why she fought with me constantly.  Perhaps to a certain degree I can understand she had to no idea what to do, what was expected of her, but I still don’t understand why she had to make me feel as if I couldn’t help her.

A lot of the time, especially when she was hurting, I wanted to be there for her in a different way.  I didn’t want to be her captain anymore.  I didn’t just want to be her shipmate, her friend.  Hitting that dark area of space, what the crew dubbed the ‘Void’, I felt that more than usual, and I sunk back.  A lot faced me during that time.  I bit it back when I realized nothing could be done, but there’s still that ever lingering feeling that I killed so many, that I could never have what I wanted or give her what she needed.  I felt weak.  I feel weak.  I am weak.

During the times when I feel this way, I steal a long glance when she sleeps, regenerates.  It’s not right, I know; I feel like a voyeur, but to watch her in such a state sets me at ease.  Reminds me just how innocent a being can be.  It makes me strong again… sometimes.  Tonight, I stood at the doorway to her room and cried.

When Kathryn’s shaky recorded voice ceased, Seven realized she’d been holding her breath and exhaled slowly.  Noticing the date the file was created, Seven was shocked; the file hadn’t been made more than two weeks previous.  Looking at Kathryn now, she seemed distant, afraid.  “Why couldn’t you tell me?” she whispered.

“Tell you what?”  Kathryn’s voice cracked.  “That I like to watch you sleep?  That I love you?  That I killed all those people, got most of them stranded for how many years?!  I did it!  Not you or any one else, but me!  You wouldn’t understand!  You don’t understand!”

Shocked by Kathryn’s continued screamed rambles, Seven grabbed her arms and shook her.  “Kathryn, stop!”  When she quieted, she just stared, tears welling in her eyes.  Seven shook her head not knowing what to say, her lips faintly parted.

In Seven’s eyes, she saw partial understanding, and overwhelming caring and concern.  Biting back her tears, her fears, she shrugged the hands from her arms then leaned forward to wrap her arms around Seven.  When Seven moved away from her, she stopped and sat back, confused.  “I’m fine.”

Seven watched the transformation from frightened puppy to guard dog in awe.  “You are not fine.”

“Are you calling me a liar?”

“How can you say you’re fine after what you just did?”

“What did I just do?  I screamed, I yelled.  People do that.”  Kathryn moved to stand, but Seven kept her sitting.  “I told you, I’m fine.”

“Then, look at me.”  Being back on Earth changed Kathryn in some ways.  Seven knew, now, that she couldn’t look in her in the eye when trying to hide something from her.  “Look at me and then tell me you’re ‘fine’.”  She moved her hand to touch Kathryn’s face, but she moved away.  “Talk to me?”

“Isn’t it enough… that I let you hear that?”

Still averted, Kathryn spoke quietly to her.  “Yes, it is.”  Seven tried again to reach out and was successful, but didn’t try to bring Kathryn to face her.

“Then what more do you want?”  Feeling the tears gathering again, Kathryn attempted to bite them back.

“I wish for you to be as open with me as I am with you.”  She saw the tears rimming Kathryn’s eyes.  “You’re allowed to speak out loud.”  Kathryn’s lips moved, but no sound came out.  “You’re allowed to feel that way: alone, but know that you are not,” Seven whispered close to her ear, brushing a light kiss over her temple afterward.  “You’re allowed to cry and feel afraid.”

Feeling Seven’s warm breath in her ear, she closed her eyes.  The tiny action forced a tear to escape, leaving a trail of wet behind in its wake.  What Seven said was entirely true, but she didn’t believe in it.  “I can’t…” she felt Seven’s lips on her cheek then her tongue gently licking away the liquid streak.

She kept her voice quiet, “They broke you more than you know.”  Kathryn’s head slowly turned enabling her to see the intrigued expression on her face.  “Everyone; even I.”  The red head shook, not understanding.  “Anyone you’ve ever had an argument with, but more recently, those who’ve sent you into this dark place where you are now, the ones in the Delta quadrant: Kashyk, the Hirogen hunters.  Some have pulled your hair or split your lip: they’ve hurt your pride and you’ve hidden that hurt for so long that you don’t know how to let it go.”  Seven finished quietly,  “They don’t matter.”

Resting her forehead on Seven’s, she let a small smile form, “You’re not important.”  It was a question.

Seven returned the smile.  “You,” she pointed to Kathryn’s chest, “your opinion of you is more important than anyone’s will ever be.  Playing with fire isn’t prudent and even though you’ve burned them, you, too, have been injured.  Maybe even more so than they.”  Sighing, she pulled the petite redhead closer.  This vulnerable woman before her could hardly be recognizable as the woman she knew only a year ago.

Kathryn cuddled her way into a more comfortable position in Seven’s arms.  They broke me more than I know…  Maybe.  “Do you think I should accept the command?”

“Kathryn, you said to me last night you weren’t ready for it.”  She scooted back and to the side to lean into the wall for support.

“I’m not right now, but maybe by the time they’ve completed the installations I will be.  Seven, I,” she started strongly then abruptly stopped.  Kathryn closed her eyes to Seven, to the world.  With a sigh, she continued, “I see wolves in my dreams.”

Puzzled, Seven leaned her head forward and down beside Kathryn’s, “Wolves?” she questioned.

“I’m always sitting in my quarters on Voyager when the door chime rings.  Sometimes it’s me sitting in the chair and sometimes I watch as if it’s recorded.  It’s always the wolves at the door and the corridor is a forest so thick with trees that you can’t see through to the other side.  Night has fallen and there is no moon above, just darkness.  There is a black wolf at the front, his eyes, most times, glow bright red when I look at him.  At his side, to the right and back, is a white female also with red eyes.  Around and behind them are more wolves differing in fur and eye color.  They all stare at me, unblinking, holding infinity within them.”  Not even thinking, Kathryn kept speaking.  “The red eyed wolves always showed me trying experiences where the golden eyed wolves showed me the same experience in a good way.  Wolves with black, depthless eyes were ignored after the first look into them.  A long time ago, I had this dream on a planet where the Kazon and Seska left us, and I chose the wolf with black eyes directly past the alpha male and he showed me how I’d die if I stayed on that planet.  I didn’t sleep a wink after that on the planet.  There are an infinite amount of wolves to choose from and just as many different colored eyes to choose.  I still haven’t explored them all and I don’t think I want to.”

The finality to Kathryn’s statement made Seven want to ask questions, but she hesitated.  Wolves?  “Has anything you’ve seen come true?”

Kathryn ducked her head slightly and smiled.  “A blonde wolf with blue eyes once showed me the day I’d meet you on that Borg cube.  I haven’t seen a blonde wolf since and the blue-eyed ones are a rarity.  When I do see one, I have to chase them down finally settling in an egg shaped grove of trees.  It sits on a flat table at the center and waits for me to sit before letting me see what it has to show me.  It sounds so silly saying it aloud, too, but it’s the truth.  I have strange prophetic recurring dreams where wolves predict my possible futures.”  Seven chuckled under her.

“I saw Tom today.”

“Did you?”  Kathryn tried to fake her disinterest.

“Yes.”

Seven didn’t make it easy to stay quiet with not offering information freely.  Smart girl.  “How is he?”

“I invited him over for dinner.”  Kathryn froze in her arms.  “We haven’t seen him for a long while and I believe it would do us all good to see one another again.”  Now, she sighed.  “He joked about your infamous pot roast, so I assured him that I would not let you near the kitchen.”

Laughing felt good at this point.  Kathryn tilted her face upward, “Does that mean I can’t watch you work your wonders?”  Seven smiled then kissed her forehead.  “Promise I won’t burn anything this time.”

“The Doctor is coming as well.”  In response, Kathryn shook her head.  “I miss them.”

She sighed thinking the same thing.  “I know you do.  A small dinner party might do me some good.”  Seven was uneasily quiet.  “Small isn’t the word, is it?  How many more did you invite?”  Her eyes widened and she turned thinking of something, “You didn’t in-” two soft fingers were placed on her lips to quiet her.

“No.  However, yes, there are more than two joining us tonight.”

“I get the feeling you’re not going to tell me who else is coming.”

“Of course not.  It’s a surprise.”

“Oh, this can’t be good.”  Kathryn started to stand, but Seven held her back, wrapping her arms tightly around her.

“Do something for me?”  Seven whispered.

Kathryn whispered back, “What’s that?”

“Always remember that I love you.”

Smiling like a kid hitting the jackpot on Christmas morning, Kathryn giggled and let go.