Damage Done
 

Outside the window in my Ready Room all you can see is the ever- encroaching asteroid belt, bigger and more dangerous than we've encountered yet. If we're not careful, and even if we are, it could cause untold damage to Voyager. But I'm not going to let it come to that. Here, at least, I can take some semblance of control. I'm barely sleeping anymore, if it weren't for the caffeine in my system I think my body would shut down entirely. My gaze sweeps the senior crew before me, a sharp stab of pain when my eyes quickly skip Seven,and I force myself to concentrate. If I don't have some form of resolution to this soon, I will go insane. I promised myself days, weeks ago that I'd speak to her. Strange, all the little distractions and problems I've found that keep me as far from her as possible. It is now, when we're facing the biggest challenge after a quiet few weeks, that I know something has to be said. Inside I'm shaking with fear but I'm damned if I'm going to let that show in front of my crew. Here, I have to be what they need me to be.

"Tom, try to avoid flying through the worst of it. Beyond that, keep your fingers crossed and hope for the best. Dismissed." I touch her arm lightly as she moves to the door and she flinches.

"Seven, could you stay behind for a moment?"

Chakotay leaves last, raising his eyebrow quizzically at me. I pretend not to notice and we are left alone. For the first time in days there is no-one to distract me from the sight of her and my heart begins to beat erratically.

"Seven, we need to talk."

"Captain I have to get back to Astrometrics."

"This won't take a second." A lie. Now it has come to it, I don't know what to say. Her cold blue eyes are boring into me, all her old hostility returned. "Why do I get the feeling you're angry with me? We haven't fought like this in so long, I don't want us to be enemies. I'm your friend, Seven. I care about you. Don't alienate me. If there's something troubling you, I can help." Another lie. I know what it is that's troubling her. Me. Her icy blue eyes flash horribly as she turns to face me.

"You wish to conduct a relationship on your terms alone, Captain." The anger in her voice astounds me. I didn't realise until now just how much pain I've caused her, this woman for whom emotions are still considered dangerous things. Her posture is rigid with unshed tears. I step closer and my voice is huskier than I intend when I finally manage to speak.

"I never meant to hurt you."

Her commbadge bleeps.

"Chakotay to Seven of Nine..."

"On my way, Commander." She turns to me, half regretful, half relieved. "I have to go."

She leaves and I am alone again. I thought I could fix this, take back all the times I'd moved away. It never occured to me that perhaps I had pushed her away one time too many. Standing alone in the Ready Room, my hands start to shake uncontrollably and the tears I promised myself I wouldn't cry begin to fall. What would my crew say if they could see their Captain now? I've spent so long, too long, trying make myself appear larger than life, completely in control and utterly independant. I'm acting like a teenager with her first crush and I disgust myself. I snap my fingers and expect her to come running, jump when I tell her to, love me when I say she can. I want to drag her back, kiss her, make her see just how much she means to me. I don't know if I can go on without her, if I even want to any more. The pain inside is more than I can bear and I have to clutch the table to keep from swaying. I know that if I continue down this route I won't be good for anything, and right now at least someone needs me. So my personal life is in crisis and I think my heart might be breaking. Who gives a damn. I have a ship to get home.

---

The Mess Hall is as quiet as it usually is at this hour, most people talking in low voices or working alone. I exchange a quick smile with B'Elanna and she heads over to give me an update.

"Engineering's busy, Captain. Or at least it would ne if I didn't get stopped every five minutes by Seven calling down from that stupid lab of hers with ridiculous requests."

"I'm sure she has good reason for disturbing you, B'Elanna."

"Maybe. But she's been in a terrible mood for weeks. Whatever you said earlier sure didn't help. She's been like a bear with a sore head ever since."

"I'll speak to her about it. And watch that blood pressure of yours."

"Aye, Captain."

Neither the trivialities I swap with Neelix, or his industrial strength coffee ease my fractious nerves. I walk over to the window and stare out at the stars, discomfited at the sight of the meteor shower we're heading towards. Nothing except its size, its sheer magnitude in the vastness of space is new to me. But my gut instinct is telling me to be careful here. Science. My first love. So black and white, so much easier than everything else I've had to deal with lately.The Vulcans have it easy - give me hard facts over emotion any day.

I enter Astrometrics and Chakotay is standing next to Seven, a little closer than I like. They glance up from the star charts they've been scrutinised and I get the horrible feeling that I've interrupted something.

"Captain! Glad you could join us."

Is Chakotay's voice a little louder than normal, his friendly manner more than a little forced? I'm going crazy, seeing things that aren't there. He wouldn't...But something about his deliberately distant, smug manner as he speaks to me makes me think, oh yes. He would. My mouth is dry with nerves and my eyes follow her as she crosses the room. She leans over the computer and my hand reaches out to her automatically. She stiffens at the pressure on her back and I let it fall. Shifting away slightly her voice is stony. I listen, take on board her comments and pretend that I don't care. If I can just focus my mind on Voyager, nothing else will hurt quite so badly.

The pain I felt at Seven's actions is a deep, throbbing wound as I sit in my chair on the Bridge. It is a duller ache now, the edge taken away from my grief and my guilt by the problem we all face. There is no possible way that we can avoid the asteroid belt, and we're getting closer by the second. All I can hope for is that Tom's navigational skills pull us through with minimal damage. Buffeted around like a paper aeroplane by a constant barrage of rocks nearly half our size, all any of us can do is pray. And, as a shockwave shudders through the ship knocking me to the ground, I know with deadly certainty that that will not be enough.

"Report!"

"It's the biggest one we've encountered yet, Captain. I'm guessing it hitt us."

"Where are we hit?"

Tom scrutinises the computer screen and frowns. He pauses, not wanting to speak, but my impatience forces him to.

"Astrometrics." My heart stops, blood turns to ice water in my veins. I can barely get the words out.

"Computer. Locate Seven of Nine."

"Seven of Nine is on her way to Astrometrics."

I know Chakotay will hold the fort. At this point I'm not sure I even care.I'd leave this entire ship a wreck if I could only ensure her safety.

Startled crew members turn as I run past them. The closer I get, the stronger the stench of smoke and chemicals. A handkerchief pressed against my mouth and nose and I pray that Seven has the sense to do the same. The corridors leading to Astrometrics are eerie and deserted, trails of smoke hanging in the air like foul smelling mist. She's fighting her way through the burning debris, struggling towards the epicentre of her lab. Pain stabs my heart. This, more than anywhere else on Voyager, has been her home. Her regeneration chamber in Cargo Bay Two is nothing but a painful reminder of all she went through at the hands of the Borg. Astrometrics was Seven of Nine, and now it is just a flaming ruin.

Machinery comes crashing down perilously close to her slim, fragile figure. I scream her name, praying that she can hear me over the noise. Turning to see me, her head snaps around and she continues onwards. Trying to save the lab now is a kamikaze effort and she knows that. I call her until my throat feels hoarse, stumbling through after her. A last ditch effort, her commbadge. At the chirruping sounds she rips it off her chest and flings it to the floor. It skids to my feet and I stop dead in my tracks. This has more to do with hurting me as much as she possibly can than an attempt at salvaging her creation.

I race after her and scream out in agony as a piece of burning metal slashes at my face. The blood trickles down my face and the pain is severe but I will not let her go. Somehow she knows I've been hurt and turns to me as if on instinct. The worst of the damage is here and I pull her towards me, trying to shield her from the falling debris. A frown furrows her brow and she touches my forehead. I wince gingerly and she looks at the blood staining her fingers, confused.

"Red."

She is choking from smoke and I draw her closer, tears pouring down my cheeks. "I love you, Seven. Don't leave me, don't hurt yourself because of me."

She is leaning into my embrace, reaching out her hand to brush my tears away when the next blast hits, throwing her out of my arms. A sheet of crumpled metal from the collapsed wall buries her, only her wounded face visible in the dancing shadows.

Afterwards I will barely remember how I got her to sickbay. The transporters were offline, that much I know. I carried her limp body in my arms, no idea if she was dead or alive. Sickbay was crowded, overrun with patients who got caught in the two blasts. Right now I don't care about any of them, no matter how often I will see their scorched faces in my sleep. The Doctor is visibly distraught but unconvinced.

"I agree that her condition is critical, Captain, but I do have other patients who are worse off than she is..."

"Do it.Treat her. Now, goddamnit!"

"With respect, I really don't think..."

I don't believe he can say this. How dare he challenge me? I don't like to pull rank, but if he's going to make me...

"I said now. Don't make me ask you again, Doctor."

The Emergency Medical Hologram moves towards the prone figure I hold close to me, before pausing.

"Captain? Why?"

Suddenly the grief hits me and I look at him with unwanted tears filling my eyes. "I promised her, Doctor. I promised that I'd keep her safe. Don't let her go."

Did these barriers fall down just to leave me alone and lonely all over again? Don't go. Don't leave me. I promised you, I promised you'd always be safe here. Hands push me away, pull her out of my arms, and I am left, sobbing by the hospital bed. All the chatter and clatter of medical instruments, the cries of the wounded, all fade away and I am left with the sound of slowly fading breath and my heart splintering into a million tiny pieces.

--- The End