Finding the Strength
 

That split-second of intimacy slices into me like a jagged knife edge against my skin. I can't bear to look at her anymore. Can't bring myself to face that I've been lying to myself for so long, trying to believe that my position on Voyager was all I needed. For too long, I let myself believe that was enough. That somehow I could switch off the part of me that was a woman, that needed affection, that needed anyone else. I thought I could be entirely self-sufficient. Thought I could stopper my emotions and obey protocol, not allow myself feel. Somewhere down the line, that stopped being enough. Can I refuse myself even the simplest pleasures? Somehow watching her start to form relationships, take sides, do all those things that I can't, I saw what I was missing.

I was so cool, so collected, so in control. I hadn't felt the touch of a lover in so long, the desire was barely there any more. Until I saw her. It isn't about sex. I can slake my lust, wash away these cravings of my body with a visit to the holodeck, or alone in my quarters with no-one to hear me cry afterwards, no-one to hold me and stroke my hair until I fall asleep. But I hate being alone. This isn't living. It's surviving.

Sometimes I have to press my finger to my wrist, feel my pulse racing, to remind myself that I'm still alive. That I'm not a zombie or some kind of automaton. I'm a living person, made of flesh and blood who feels things and needs thing and wants...

The isolation in this place is unbearable. The knowledge that no-one else has any idea about the sleepless nights, tears choked back, mornings when I don't want to leave my bed, even when I can't stand how empty it is. It horrifies me how close I came to telling her. The quiet of my room, the sight of her in the dim light, standing so close I could breathe in the scent of her hair. I wanted her then, needed to pull her close and press my lips against her skin. But I didn't. Couldn't bring myself to let that one last wall crumble about my feet, leaving me so defenceless...I haven't seen her for days, but that moment stays in my mind, sticks in my heart. I held her,comforted her, dried her tears like I used to, before I got too frightened of my own responses. And my tears mingled with hers. I think she got some sense of how lonely I am.

It's senseless, this refusal for intimacy. Some strange form of self- flagellation for getting us into this situation in the first place. But if I hadn't....I would never have met her. Would have gone on accepting this half-life I've been living for as long as I can remember. I don't think I have ever felt so deeply, so painfully, about another person before. So long, so far from home.

Can I hold out?

It isn't even an issue. I'm fooling myself if I think it is. When we get home, life will be unbearable, for me as well as her. The last thing I need is for insinuations of impropriety to blacken what I was trying to do here. I wanted to give her a chance at an independant life, to understand what it is to offer someone your heart and be loved in return. To be solely responsible for your own actions, to feel pain and regret. I would never take advantage of someone so vulnerable. But none of them can know how it feels, to be stranded so far from home, so far from any intimacy and to have your only desire just out of reach...

It would look terrible, seem as though coercion was involved. She is supposed to obey my orders. It could be distorted so easily and the very idea makes me sick to my stomach. The love I feel for her, feel it so deeply it hurts - to have that tarnished by twisted accusations...I couldn't bear it. I can take any of it - the tears I can't cry, the long, silent, sleepless nights where I'm too afraid to dream. I can't allow my relationship with Seven to be scrutinised and dissected by some anonymous Starfleet beaurocrat.

But I'm so lonely I could scream. Out on the bridge, in the mess hall, things aren't so bad. I have people around me, people I can be concerned with, use their problems to take my mind off my own. And part of that relief comes from her absence. She isn't here to show me what I'm missing, show me what it is that I really crave. The companionship that only a lover can give. Those silly conversations at three in the morning where everything seems to make sense. I miss that, the feeling of relaxation around someone, knowing I can say or do anything and I won't be judged.

They think I'm coping. I dread what would happen if I let anyone get close enough to see the flaws. I can no longer imagine what it would be like to let down my guard with another person. Yet I crave it like nothing else. It's a bitter irony that the only relationship I have anymore is with a machine. I have sacrificed so much, so much for this ship. But sometimes I hate it. Want to drive the damn thing straight into a star. Will I ever look back, years from now, at my lonely life here and think "It was worth it"? There are days when I can't imagine anything of the sort, but I can't let it show. Too afraid, always too afraid...

But now another fear has begun to surface. If I let her slip through my grasp can I ever forgive myself? I've seen the way Chakotay lets his gaze trail after her, the way he used to do with me. He would be good for her, that much I'm forced to admit. Emotional where she is logical, he'd draw her out of herself. And I would die a little more each day I saw them together. Knowing that I could, with one word or one gesture, change everything.

If I turned to her now and stripped away this armour, would she take me as I am? It wouldn't be easy, I know that. I have no such illusions, that our relationship would be cosy. She's shaken up my life since the first day I met her. Nothing has been the same here since she stepped on board, turned my life upside down. But I crave that unpredictability. Life without her would be stale and empty, a world without colour. Every time a new threat rears its head I pray she won't be hurt. Promise whoever can hear me that I'll let her know how I feel, that I'll hold her, protect her, do anything just as long as she survives. And I break that promise every single time.

How long until my luck runs out? How long until I lose her forever and have to go the rest of my life knowing that I let my one chance pass me by? We have sung this song together so many times. I want to take her in my arms and ask her to let me love her. I want to change the ending.

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The End