Holding Your Hand
 

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I'm gonna haunt you
I'm gonna haunt you
Through the playgrounds
Through the fires
You'll be saluting at the stars
And I'll be holding your hand.

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It was never worth it. Not for a second. It's the first thought that comes to my mind when I wake. Guilt and remorse tear through me as I realise again and again the price I paid to get home. Sometimes I sit for hours and stare at my hands. The skin has only slightly wrinkled with age, and I allow myself to feel vaguely gratified at how little toll the years have taken on me. I don't deserve it. I look down at my hands and they are stained with the blood of the people I loved, the people I promised to protect. Too many lives lost, needlessly. I mourn them all, even now. One most of all. I loved her - did she ever realise? Part of me hopes not, but to have her leave me forever, not knowing how deeply I cared for her, how much I needed her...And I lost her. Through my own stupidity, my own arrogance. I could have saved her. I wake, sweating, in the early hours. It is then I remember what happened back there, in all it's horrible detail. My dreams horrify me, these images that litter my subconscious. She never leaves me. I smell her perfume, catch her voice on the breeze, and it sets my heart racing. I can't look at the stars anymore, not without seeing her face, seeing her before me. Oh God, can I never be free of her, or this? Whilst she haunts me, I can never really lose her. But I do. Over and over again, every time I open my eyes.

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I'm gonna haunt you
I'm gonna haunt you
Out on the other side of luck
Where every business deal is struck,
I'll be holding your hand.

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All these medals and commendations. More praise, another promotion. Little useless pieces of metal they pin to my clothing. When they made me Admiral, when they fixed that last pip to my collar, all of a sudden I was back there, her smooth fingers brushing the skin of my neck. Faint whispers of an old conversation set my hair standing on end, made me shake. They thought my tears were from joy, and so they clapped even harder. Rewarded for getting my crew back home. But somehow it's never been home for me. Not without her. Oh God, if I'd realised sooner...There were so many lives lost that I could have saved if only I'd done this or that. I stopped going over events in my head a long time ago. I realised quickly that way madness lies. Too many nights spent reliving the past left my nerves shattered. Doctor after doctor told me to move on, move forward. But memories are the only thing real to me now. Maybe I'm just getting old. I see everyone else - Tom, B'Elanna, Harry - and they're so happy. They're back home with the people they love. On the surface I think I seem content with my lot, up here at the top of my game. But I became an old hand at disguising my emotions for the sake of those around me a long time ago. Sometimes I wonder - am I being punished? I pushed her away so many times, keeping her at arms length became a reflex action. Is losing her forever some kind of retribution for that? Either way, it all comes back to me. I have her blood on my hands, so she can never leave me.

I'm gonna haunt you I'm gonna haunt you In your ashes and your smoke Like the punchline to a joke I'll be holding your hand.

I thought I saw her today. A figure, standing in the crowd, her face lit up with fireworks. I turned with her name on my lips. Seven...This happens, sometimes. Not often, not any more. I catch glimpses of them in the street, at a restaurant, the theatre. But it hurts so much more when it's her...The rest of the world has moved on. To the outside gaze, so have I. Lauded by all and sundry, heaped with accolades. But there are some from whom I cannot hide. I read the pity in their eyes and my blood boils with anger. If I were still their Captain, if they were still under my command, I'd courtmartial them, throw them in the brig for daring to show such insubordination. For daring to be sorry for me. I don't make mistakes, I don't feel regret for actions I had to take, years ago. Longer ago that I can bear to think about. That's how it has to be, and no-one need know about the sleepless nights, the woman I still see sometimes, at the corner of my eye. The peace in the evening that I can only find at the bottom of a whiskey glass, then another, then another.

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I'm gonna haunt you
I'm gonna haunt you
On every knife edge
Every trip And on every needle tip
I'll be holding your hand.

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It wasn't worth it. Every time I turned away from her, every time the barriers went up. All for the sake of duty. And then that last time...No, how can it be worth it? If I could turn the clock back, do anything differently...I'd do it. Take the first chance I got. Every step I take, her shadow hangs over me. To see her again, face to face. Even for a moment, one moment...Hold her in my arms, feel her warmth against me, her skin against my lips...It wouldn't be enough, nothing would ever be enough, except to save her. Erase these long, lonely years without her, having to face up to the cold reality of what my actions back then led to. Wipe my slate clean, clear my conscience. To have her back...there's nothing I wouldn't do. Her death made me acknowledge emotions I could never let myself feel when she stood in front me, flesh and blood and so alive...Without her by my side, none of this was worth it. If I can make amends, make real this ghost who lies just out of reach, I'll do it. I don't care how. I sacrificed so much life in order to get home, and it was too late when I realised I was already there. Home lived in every word and action, every posture and smile. I'll do whatever it takes to get back there.

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I'll be holding your hand.

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The End