Making Repairs
 

I open my eyes but the velvet blackness remains. In the dark I can hear her breathing, inhale her perfume, feel the soft pressure of her hand on the sheet above me. I do not speak. For now, the knowledge of her presence is enough. My sight gradually accustoms itself to the near absence of light in sickbay and I see her face. Illuminated by the glowing lights of the machinery she stares blankly into the distance, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Captain?" The word comes out a whisper, softer than I intended.

"Seven." Her voice is ragged with emotion, thick with tears. "I thought I'd lost you." Her hand moves as if by instinct, to my hair, smoothing it down, stroking my head. "How are you feeling? No, don't try to move."

"I ache everywhere. Is there...did the Doctor say if there was permanent damage?"

"It's too soon to say. He told me to fetch him when you woke up."

"Don't."

"I'm not going to."

Her strong fingers continue that oddly soothing motion over my hair. I long for them to travel across my face, over my lips. I want to taste the skin that has kept me transfixed for so long.

"How much do you remember? Of...of the accident?"

The taste of acrid smoke fills my mouth, my lungs. So bitter I choke. Stumbling through corridors, intense heat searing my skin. Kathryn running madly after me, soot and tears marring her beautiful face, her forehead gashed open and bleeding.

"You were hurt." Distress fills me and I struggle to look at the wound.

"It's nothing serious."

Her arms wrapped tight around me, pulling me closer to her and away from the falling metal. Dizzy from the smoke, I lean back into her desperate embrace when a fierce impact knocks me from her arms.

"You took so long to wake up. I wondered if you would, if I was going to lose you."

"You won't lose me." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them and I wonder how much control I still possess, alone in this darkened room with her.

I nearly did, Seven. I tried to drag you back, but the ceiling was caving in around us. You were trapped underneath, I couldn't reach you. I tried to, but..." She breaks off, harsh sobs gulped back frantically. I hold her gaze, those eyes I have to tear myself away from.

Thank you. You saved my life, Kathryn." I wait for the reprimand, the reminder of protocol that has lurked behind her voice for s long, that is familiar to me as her voice itself. "I...I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologise. It felt nice. It felt...right, somehow." We sit for a long time, in silence. There is so much to say that neither of us know where to start. The quiet room is driving me slowly insane and I mentally plead with her, myself, the both of us, to clear the air between us. Do either of us even know what we want? Her hand continues to stroke my hair, the hypnotic softness lulling me into familiarity with her, the edge and hostility of earlier diminished.

"How long have you been here?"

"Almost as long as you have. I couldn't function, not knowing how you were. I was hurt and my focus was down here, so Chakotay and Tuvok sent me down here before I made any dangerous mistakes."

"Other members of your crew were hurt. Killed. Why did you come here?"

Her eyes fill again with tears. One tiny droplet trickles through her lashes and traces its way across her skin. "I..." Her voice catches in her throat and she cannot speak. This brilliant, articulate woman is at a loss for words. "I was worried about you, Seven. I needed you not to leave me."

"Well, she won't be doing that, at least not for a while." The Doctor speaks softly. He has entered without either of us noticing and it crosses my mind that he did not want to disturb us. How much does he know, has he guessed? My thoughts are tinged with regret as I realise I have hurt him by loving another. She withdraws slightly, pulling back her hand. His tone, what I believe is called his "bedside manner", becomes stern and he turns to the Captain.

"Have you slept at all?" Shaking her head, her hand passes through her tangled red hair.

"I couldn't." Her voice is hoarse, still rough with emotion.

"Go. You have to. You can't make yourself ill; they still need you."

She tries to protest, but he quells her with a severe look. Sighing in resignation, she stands slowly, wincing at the unexpected pain. "I'll be back soon."

Her lips brush my cheek, her skin soft against mine. There is a brief, fleeting pressure on my hand, and she is gone. I shift uncomfortably under his scrutinizing gaze, struggling to find something to say. Looking at him, his eyes comunicate his understanding and I see that words are unecessary. He squeezes my hand, a gesture I didn't realise I needed so desperately until it happens.

"How do you feel?"

"Tired. In pain. And...confused, Doctor. I hurt her and she still followed me. I don't understand why." He sighs so deeply that I feel his cool breath flutter over my skin.

"She came after you. She could have been killed, but she wanted to save you. Don't hurt her, Seven. Don't pull away when she needs you most."

"I don't know how to love her, to be what she needs me to be." Anger flares in his eyes and I flinch back. I am not used to such extremes of emotion from him. He replies in a hard and passionate tone.

"Do you think she does? It's human instinct, Seven. We all know how. It just takes a little practise. Letting our guard down can be the hardest thing we ever have to do." My burning need to question him further overcomes me, the need to reassure myself that what I have felt for so long is allowed. Fear clogs my vocal cords as I speak, as I ask the question whose answer might destroy all I have built on.

"Then you...you approve?" He is silent for a long, long time and the quiet is more than I can bear. I force myself not to speak, using every ounce of willpower I possess. I want him to tell me the truth.

"Be careful with her. She's more fragile than any of us will ever know." It hurts him to have me probe further, but I must, for the sake of my own sanity. Apart from Kathryn, he is the only person I trust.

"You didn't answer my question. Do you think she is a suitable choice as my mate?"

"Seven I...I've never hidden my feelings for you. But if you don't reciprocate them then there's nothing I can do or say to change your mind. If it helps at all I think you've made a very wise choice. She isn't an easy person to get close to, but I think you know that." He looks at me. I look back. Somehow he understands everything that I have been fighting to put into words for so long. "If anyone can get past that layer of steel, the shell that hides the aching loneliness that she pretends she doesn't feel...Seven, it's you."

"I believe the expression is 'Resistance is futile'." He smiles at me, and I realise what an ally I have in him. It was with his help, that Kathryn mended me and made me whole. I owe him more than I can ever express and this is my final thought as he injects me with a much-needed sedative and I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

---

I drift into wakefullness and know without opening my eyes that she is at my side. When my lashes flutter open she is looking down at me, all her tangled emotions present and conflicting in her eyes. Her voice is soft and husky when she speaks. "Every time you close your eyes I wonder if you're going to open them again."

"The Doctor said I'm out of danger. There's nothing to worry about." The expression in her eyes melts me, right down to the very core of my soul.

"I'll always worry about you, Seven. I always have."

I am ready to ignore all the Doctor's good advice and sit up, drawing her into my arms, soothe her suffering with my kisses. A presence at the door, a shadow falling across the dimly lit room, stops me. Chakotay is at the door, concern scrawled across his face. He takes a step towards me.

"Captain? Could you leave Seven and I alone together? There's something I need to say to her." I want to hit him. If I had the strength I would throw him from the room myself.

"I'll be just outside," He cannot hear the fear and trepidation in her voice as I can. But in front of him there is nothing I can say to alleviate her distress. He takes several steps closer, far more than I am comfortable with. I can feel Kathryn's eyes upon me, not wanting to watch or listen, but unable to stop herself. I can feel her pain from here and it twists like a knife in my heart. But he speaks, oblivious to everything that has a focus other than him.

"I've been meditating on what our relationship means to me, Seven. I think, if you agree, that maybe we should take things further. Nearly losing you...Well it made me reconsider just how much you mean to me. How much I believe I mean to you." I don't know whether to convulse with laughter or hurl something at him in fury.My voice is cool, steely, impassive.

"Whatever gave you that impression?" His laugh, which he must hear as affectionate, sounds hollow and patronising in my ears.

"Seven I've lost count of the times you've made up excuses to come and see the Captain and I."

My heart lurches. How could I ever have considered him as a potential mate? Trying to erase the pain and the heartache of having Kathryn slip further away from me by the second, even a holographic Chakotay was more than I could bear. Now, leaning over me, he is all oily charm and obsequious concern.

"However flimsy my excuses, rest assured, Commander, that they were not to come and see you." He starts back in surprise, disbelief etched on his features. Whatever he had expected me to say or do, perhaps throw my arms around him, kiss him with a passion I cannot feel, he did not expect me to say this.

"Commander Chakotay, I am tired and I wish to rest. Please send the Captain back so that we may continue our conversation." I turn away, hoping he will take the hint. Mumbling his apologies, he walks out. He whsipers something short and angry to Kathryn before stalking off, posture rigid. She turns from her station in the doorway and moves uncertainly across the room to me.

"Did he...?"

"Yes. I sent him away. His attentions were...unwanted."

Without my intending it, a smile breaks out and laughter bubbles up. "Not your type?"

She is still nervous, still unsure. After all that has passed between us she still needs confirmation that I could possibly return her love. I smile gently, wanting to ease her pain.

"Why have the Commander when I could have the Captain?"

"You think I'm that easy to get?" Her voice is a low purr, teasing.

"I'm persistant."

"Well, it shows ambition, Seven of Nine. I'm proud of you."

My hand is lifted to her lips and she caresses it tenderly. For a moment, she is lost in thought. Frowning she turns her gaze to me and I am filled with dread for what she is about to say.

"It's only fair to warn you...I should tell you that I'm no good at this. Letting my guard down."

"It's the hardest thing either of us will ever have to do."

"I think...I'm still afraid that if you see me, all of me not just the Captain side, you'll turn away. There are things there...I'm not a pleasant person, Seven. Not all the time. I've had to be hard and I don't know if I remember how to be gentle. Done things I'm not proud of. I'm human, I make mistakes. I have demons, the same as everyone else in this ship. Probably more. But if you can see that...if you can learn to love that...then I'll try. I've never wanted anything else like I've wanted this and it terrifies me. But what scares me more is losing all that you are to me. I nearly did that tonight, nearly did it countless times and I cannot risk doing it again. Please, Seven. Trust me enough to try with me."

Her voice is trembling, her hand is shaking and I have never loved her more in my life. Can I, dare I take her life into my hands? The responsibility that is loving a person like Kathryn Janeway, will it be too much?

"I don't know if I can. I...I don't know how."

Her face falls, as if everything she has ever cared about has been taken away in that one second.

"Show me, Kathryn."

And, raising her glistening eyes to meet mine as she kneels to take my face between her hands, she does just that.

---

The End