Throwing Fire at The Sun
 

---

I think of Venus
Sinking down into the sea,
And what it is to be alone
And have nothing.
I don't know why you want to leave
This space between.
Is it easier to be alone
And have nothing?
You and me and everyone,
Throwing fire at the sun.

---

By daylight, what passed between us could have been a dream. If it were not for the unconscious raising of her hand to the place my lips touched every time her glance falls on me, it could have been a product of my lonely imagination. I've conjured up stranger things in my mind, odd little fantasies where we can be together, where I don't have to step back from her warm embrace.

Sometimes I stand, lost in thought, and she interrupts me. I have to restrain myself from stroking her hair back from her face, from continuing the kiss we shared in my daydream. . . That moment where she rested in my arms, naked without her armour, pink silk fitting to her like skin. . . She was warm and fragile beneath my hands. Her heartbeat pulsing through her, the way we breathed as one.

Her heart quickens in her breast as she passes by me, a brief, cordial smile on her lips and sad desire in her eyes. She wants to forget that moment of quiet vulnerability ever happened, wants to rewrite it in her mind as only another one of her lonely fantasies. I don't, won't let her. She didn't pull back, I did. Had to do it, had to let her be the one left standing, bereft of the touch that soothed her a split second ago. . .

The past few days have been both a physical and mental retreat for her. Embarrassed, ashamed at what I could read in her eyes, the way she moved towards me, instinctually. She's locked herself away from all of us now, trapped inside her armour, stifling in a hair shirt of her own weaving. Her gaze shifts guiltily from me, focusing only on whoever else is present. We are never alone any more.

---

I put my hands up,
Lay my weapons down.
I know that I was stupid,
I was wrong.

You and me and everyone,
Throwing fire at the sun.
If I listen there's something
Deeper that speaks,
If I reach out, maybe we could
Make a little peace.

---

She looks at me and sees her own reflection. Cannot face her own vulnerability, her own humanity, so she concerns herself obsessively with mine. It unnerves her. Unnerves me. When did the roles change, when did she become the frightened one? Confrontation between us scares her, and I push it relentlessly. I jab, pierce, twist the knife in. Anything to get a response, anything to get her to look at me. My desperation rings harsh and high in my ears. Angry words rattle back and forth between us, on every other subject beneath the sun. It energises her, back on her own territory now. She gives as good as she gets, and I think my heart is breaking. The others notice how tense we are, how brittle our defences have become. I don't care. Let them watch, gain whatever titillation they can from this bitter carping. If all they can see is a catfight, so be it. We both know what we're fighting for. We'll fight this battle to the death, until we're too exhausted to go on, and collapse, sweating and bleeding, into the other's arms. Without realising it, we have stepped back into our old positions, parrying, feinting. . . There is too much at stake here, and we both play to win.

---

You and me and everyone,
Throwing fire at the sun.
Remember stealing oranges
And how they bled.
And you're the one who
Showed me how to Touch myself.

---

I learnt my faults from her. There was a time I would have imitated her mistakes as easily as I would her triumphs. She saw the chink in my armour and peeled the cold steel away from me. Something about the exposed body beneath made her turn away. Too familiar, too many repressed emotions beginning to surface. We clashed, then as now, hot tempers flaring, words left unspoken. I ache with desire, wramed by the fire of her anger. Locked to each other, communicating in a private language that only we know. I take pleasure in excluding others from our interactions. I want her to myself. I want to be the only one who sees the mask slip for a second, to catch her in an unguarded moment. To be the only one to wait for tears that do not fall.

---

You and me and everyone,
Throwing fire at the sun.
Blood is a river,
Ties you to me.
Blood is a river,
Ties everyone.

--- The End