Part Nine
*
 
Caela and Seven had fallen asleep after hours of lovemaking. They lay in each other’s arms.

Caela slept deep. She dreamed of running through her forests, as the Howl, and watching ahead of her, another creature. It resembled one of her kind, but it was white. The distance between them shortened, and soon she was upon the white animal, her jaws on its thick white fur. Blood spilled out, a crimson stain spreading, and the animal screamed in agony as the Howl tore into it.

Seven stirred, feeling Caela’s movement in her sleep. She pulled Caela closer, felt her muscles tense, saw her eyes moving rapidly beneath the lids. Seven stroked Caela’s face in hopes of calming her.

Small whimpers from Caela’s throat.

Seven gently whispered to her, “Caela, awaken.” She gazed down at the sweet face now in turmoil from whatever she was dreaming. Seven spoke a little louder, “Caela. You are dreaming.”

Caela suddenly sat bolt upright, a gasp in her throat. Her hand went to her chest, felt her own pounding heart. “My sensor.” She didn’t look at Seven as she moved leapt over her, down to the floor where she tossed their discarded clothes aside and found her sensor, still attached to the sleeve of her shirt. She pulled it off, grasped it tightly, and held it to her chest.

Seven watched her in concern. “Caela. Are you not well?” She stood, and went to Caela’s side.

“I should never be without this.” Caela said, looking up at Seven from the floor. “It should always be with me.”

“We can make it so.” Seven said, reaching her hand down and helping Caela to stand. When their eyes met again, Seven spoke. “You had a nightmare?”

Caela nodded.

“You know you’re safe now.” Seven said, and gently took Caela’s hand. “Will you return to bed?”

“Not without this.” Caela looked down at her sensor.

Seven reassured her, “You’ve just gone through your cycle. It is highly unlikely that you’ll change again anytime soon.”

They sat on the bed together, and Caela leaned into Seven’s shoulder. “My cycle is unpredictable. I would never forgive myself if I hurt you.”

Seven silently stood, and walked to the replicator. She looked back at Caela, then spoke. “Computer. Leather strap, black. Approximately three centimeters wide, twenty-two centimeters in length. Adjustable clasp, fastened into a band.” In a moment, the strap appeared inside the replicator, and Seven took it back to Caela.

She unfastened it, wrapped it snugly around Caela’s bicep, and fastened it again. She took the sensor from Caela, and attached it. “There.” She said, “Smashing.”

Caela visibly relaxed as she saw the tiny lights on the display. “Thank you.” She kissed Seven lightly on the lips. “I feel better now.”

“Do you wish to speak about your dream?” Seven moved back to her place on the bed.

Caela moved in next to her, lying on her side, the arm with the sensor on top of her body. “No, I don’t think I need to talk about it.” She touched a finger to Seven’s lips.

Looking at Seven like this, Caela couldn’t help but think of that first night again. The night Seven had asked about Kathryn’s feelings, and if Caela knew what they were.

Caela closed her eyes, relaxed into Seven’s body. Kathryn’s questions in the turbolift haunted her. Seven had told her- she’d told her some of the story, and then stopped.

“Seven?” Caela moved back to look at her. “Would you tell me of the times you tried to leave Voyager?”

Seven’s eyes tried to find the reason behind Caela’s question. “Why?”

“You told me Kathryn came for you?” Caela said, “I’m interested in what happened. I know you care for her.”

“She is a dear friend, and, yes. I did desire her once. Before I met you.”

It made Caela smile, but it didn’t deter her. “I want to understand what she is to you.”

Seven laid back, her arm guiding Caela to lay with her head on Seven’s shoulder. “She is my friend. I have told you all there is to tell.”

”You haven’t.” Caela said it patiently. “Tell me of the times you left.”

Seven took a slow, deep breath. “Very well.” She began the tale of when the Borg Queen found her.

Caela listened as Seven related the story. She closed her eyes and felt the turmoil, the pain, the anger, the grief, finally victory, and return. Joy and elation. She continued to listen, enraptured as Seven told her of the attempt she’d made to leave Voyager after overloading herself with data from Voyager’s computers. The confusion and suspicion, and the hurt when she thought she’d been betrayed. The flight away from Voyager, the conversation in the shuttle when Janeway gave the evidence of stardate after stardate to prove to Seven that she was malfunctioning; that she could return to Voyager and be safe.

“She asked me to trust her again.” Seven said. “And I did.”

Caela lay in the pleasant glow of Seven’s memories.

Seven was thoughtfully gazing at the ceiling. “Someone later told me that Kathryn would not have gone into Borg space for any other crew member, regardless of what she might say.”

“Let me guess… Chakotay?”

“He asked it be kept in confidence. When I asked him why Kathryn would take such a risk for me and not for any other, he told me he was under strict orders not to say.”

“Didn’t that give you an idea of how she felt about you?”

“I was unsure. And I assumed it was a matter of her investment in me.”

“You convinced yourself of that.” Caela said, and things became clearer every moment. “You don’t believe anyone could care for you in the way you’d hoped she would. Because of your past.”

Seven was silent, and looked into Caela’s eyes. “I know better now.”

Caela rested her arm across Seven’s belly. “From everything you’ve told me, I can see that Kathryn is an amazing woman.”

“Yes.” Seven said. “She is.”

Then there was an intense glow from Seven’s heart, the type of love that one could bathe in… if it was meant for you. She lay silently against Seven, her mind at conflict between the intense warmth of love that Seven’s heart was emitting, and the pain in her own heart.

She closed her eyes against it, wishing, not for the first time, that she wasn’t an empath.

Momentarily, it was gone.

Seven felt love for Caela, but nothing compared to what was in her heart for Kathryn. Seven’s desire for Kathryn was there, but it had been tucked away in a safe place where it wouldn’t whisper in her ear in reminder of what wasn’t hers. And for this same reason Seven hesitated in telling Caela about the very things that made Seven care for Kathryn most.

Without those clues, Caela didn’t know the depth of Seven’s love for Kathryn. But, now she knew. And she had the feeling that if Kathryn were to open up, she’d feel the same in Kathryn for Seven.

Here, Caela felt, a deeper love than she thought she’d ever felt before. Herself for Seven. Seven for Kathryn.

Caela steadied her voice. “Thank you for telling me.” She reminded herself, this wasn’t her fault. As she’d told Seven that first night, the more time she spent with someone, the more impressions she received. Caela couldn’t have known this that night. She could not have known.

Seven kissed Caela’s forehead in the manner that had become a pleasant habit.

“I want you to know how much you mean to me, Seven.” Caela said, and breathed. “You have given me more than I think I can ever convey. You don’t see the monster in me.”

“I see no monster because there is none. The Howl- it’s part of who you are. And it’s not a monster.”  Seven said, “Perhaps one day you will believe that.”

Caela doubted she would. But how perfectly beautiful of Seven to say it. Her fingers traced around the implants on Seven’s belly. She inhaled Seven’s scent, a scent that she’d always remember. She let her hand run along her belly, her hips. She did everything she could to lock a picture made of all her senses into her mind.

“You have my heart, Seven.”

Seven smiled fondly at Caela. “As you have mine.”

Caela wished that were true

Kathryn loved Seven. Seven loved Kathryn.

“I’m so sorry, Seven.” Caela pressed her body in closer, not feeling she could get close enough to her. She spoke carefully; she would not betray that her heart was breaking. “I’m so sorry it has to end.”

Seven released Caela, looked at her in shock. “What must end?”

“Our intimacy.” She lost control and her tears came. “Please tell me you’ll still be my friend.”

“Always…” Seven was puzzled. “Please explain this.”

Caela spoke the next words, lies that they were, as fact. Seven didn’t know all of Caela’s people’s ways.

She would never know it wasn’t truth. “It’s time I chose a mate. And it must be a male if one here will have me.”

Seven hadn’t expected anything like this. “I don’t believe I want to hear this.” She quickly moved from the bed, went to her suit, crumpled in a pile on the floor. She picked it up, but stood staring down at the floor.

“Seven, please don’t be angry with me.”

Seven turned and the pain in her eyes was apparent. “I wish to continue our intimacy. You do not. I am experiencing rejection for the first time.” She felt tears form in her own eyes. “I do not like it.”

Caela was awash in the reaction Seven was having. “No, Seven.” She quickly went to her, took the suit from her, tossed it aside. “This isn’t rejection.” Caela took Seven’s face in her hands, and spoke truth now. “If I could, I would spend every moment of the rest of my life with you. You have become everything to me. You are the most beautiful person I have ever known. Will ever know.” She gazed into the blue eyes that held the Universe for her. “Seven, know that you will never fade from my heart.” She embraced her, head against Seven’s shoulder, “I have to do this.”

Seven’s arms eventually embraced Caela in return. She let her tears fall, but was calm again. “So, it is the end of the cycle for us?”

Caela nodded silently, throat tightening as she held back from crying more. Seven took Caela’s face and kissed her deeply. Caela was momentarily stunned, but finally returned the kiss.

Seven pulled away. “You are my first lover, Caela. You have taught me much, and I have found a place to put all the feelings and urges which were causing my confusion. You brought order to that aspect of me.”  She leaned her forehead on Caela’s. She whispered, “Please, may we have the rest of our time together?”

Caela whispered her answer, “Yes.” Anything for you, Seven.

*
 
When Caela awoke next Seven was gone. She lay in her bed alone, and gathered Seven’s pillow to her face, inhaling the scent of her. Caela’s heart shattered, and she couldn’t hold back anymore. She released her painful tears into the pillow.
 
Caela had dressed and sat on the edge of her bed. The room was dark. The weight on her chest had intensified as the moments passed, and she prayed that she’d done the right thing.

Seven and Kathryn belonged together. Caela stepping aside would give nature the chance to take its course.

Caela took a breath, checked her sensor and left her room. She walked the corridor, not sure of where she was going. She didn’t feel those who passed her now; her own grief was too strong. She found herself at the holodeck, and saw that there was already a simulation running. She turned away, and stood while she wondered where to go next. Nothing seemed right. She heard the doors slide open behind her.

She turned back, and saw Harry and Tom leaving in very strange suits. The two men paused uncomfortably, but walked on without a greeting. She watched through her tear-reddened eyes as they left, and entered the holodeck.

“Computer, run program, Caela One.”

She was in her world again. She realized she’d been walking with her arms folded and hunched over herself. She sat in the middle of her clearing, where she’d first seen Seven and Janeway along with Tuvok.

But that was in her world, she thought. Not here.

“Computer, a campfire, please. And nightfall. Full moon in the sky.”

The scenery changed. She felt the illusion of fire to her side; she looked up at the illusion of a moon. She closed her eyes, rested her head on her knees.

“Computer, surround me with my people, in cycle.”

“Specify parameters.”

“Around me, computer. A family.”

The Howl appeared surrounding her, their black coats shining in the moonlight. They sat or laid around her, a dozen of them. The largest of them approached her and sat, its green eyes watched her. She reached out, touched its thick fur, moved close to it. She held it, her arms around its neck, and it raised its head.

The howls rose then, in symphony, lilting one over the next, as each raised its head. She closed her eyes, listened with her head against its fur. As the wails died down, the creatures gathered around, each lying down as they touched bodies, until Caela was in the center, the strong warm bodies comforting her.

She lay there for a few minutes, trying to pretend she wasn’t in a holodeck.  But the moments passed and the illusion wasn’t strong enough. She sat up, looking at the creatures surrounding her; she touched the deep fur once more. “Computer. Delete my family.”

They were gone.

When the doors chirped, she didn’t bother to look up. She didn’t really care who was there, since they’d likely just leave anyway, once they saw her.

“Caela?” Chakotay had scheduled the holodeck for his own use, and upon arriving had found Caela’s program running, without force fields erected. No Howl was detected inside, so he entered.

She didn’t look up. She stared at the fire.

He kneeled before her, set a small earthen bowl and dried bundle of herbs on the ground. “Caela, what’s wrong?”

“I didn’t feel you coming.” She blinked. Still, she felt only her own pain.

“What’s happened?” Chakotay insisted, “You’ve been crying.”

She finally met his eyes. “I think I’ll leave Voyager, Chakotay.”

He was clearly surprised to hear it and thoroughly dismayed at the thought. “I thought you enjoyed your new life here.” He sat in front of her.

“Sometimes, I do. I did.” She stared at the fire again. “Chakotay, I’ve done something. And I’m afraid I’ll never survive if I stay.”

“What?” Chakotay couldn’t stand to see the pain in her eyes. “Caela, what could you possibly have done?”

“I’ve left Seven.” She said it, hardly believing it herself. “I’ve left her. I love her, but I left her. Because I love her.” She faced Chakotay. “I need a friend right now, Chakotay.” She said the words through tears. “Will you keep my confidence?”

“Yes.” He was watching her intently. “You can tell me anything.”

Caela told him. Everything. Her life-bond. Her new awareness of Seven’s feelings for Kathryn. Her decision to tell her a lie because she knew Seven wouldn’t allow her to leave because of Kathryn... Seven’s heart was too big to allow Caela to sacrifice her feelings for Seven’s.

Chakotay listened to all this, aching for the pain she was in. He would tell her about Kathryn. “Caela, you’re right about Kathryn. She is very much in love with Seven. She has been almost since the day they met.”

Caela nodded. “I thought as much. If I could have read her…” Caela was crying again, becoming very tired of it. She sobbed, “I love her so much, Chakotay. I love Seven so much. And I’ll never love another.”

He finally gave in to his compulsion and held her. Chakotay wrapped his arms around Caela, let her head fall against his chest and held her tight as she mourned for her lost mate.

She spoke through the tears, “It would have been hurting Seven to stay with her. It would be hurting Kathryn.”

Chakotay nodded, his hands stroking her hair, knowing there wasn’t much he could do to comfort her. It was a completely selfless act she’d done. Completely Caela.

Her fingers had grasped his shirt as her tears came harder.

He wanted to tell her everything was okay, that everything would be okay. But how could he, when she’d lost Seven? But he couldn’t let her go either.

When she finally stopped crying, she sat up, wiping her eyes. “I’ll miss you. But I want to be transported down to the next uninhabited planet.”

He had to stop her, somehow. “Caela, I know you’re in pain. Please don’t leave. Give life here a chance.”

“I see and feel the disdain and disgust most of the people feel here feel for me.”

“It’s their loss,” Chakotay said, “They’re missing out on knowing you.”

“There’s nothing for me here.” She flicked a small blue stone away. “Nothing in this place is real.”

“If you stay on board, you’ll make it back to Earth with us. You might find your people there.” Chakotay had only just thought of that idea, “Your people said they came from Earth. You might find family there.”

Caela hadn’t thought of the possibility. “It’s a lovely idea, Chakotay. But no. I don’t think I want to be here when Kathryn and Seven are finally together. And that will happen. I don’t want to be where the crew hates me, and I can feel that nobody wants me here.”

“Naomi and B'Elanna want you here. Seven wants you here.” Chakotay said, allowing a little of his feelings for Caela to surface. “I want you here.”

Her eyes went to his heart. Her lips parted slightly as she felt it, having had been completely unaware of it, and she blinked, taking it in.

He said, “You have become a dear friend. I don’t want to lose you.”

She blinked again, and took his hands. “Chakotay.” She closed her eyes, felt the warmth of his feelings for her as he released them from his heart. They were comforting, and had a soothing effect on her pain.

“I can never love you.”

He met her green eyes as they revealed themselves again. “I know.” He said, and paused before he said the words that he’d been wanting to say. “Maybe one day, you might let me love you.”

She was silent. She didn’t want any more pain, she didn’t want to hurt anyone else.

Chakotay let his thumbs rub her fingers where she held his hands, and he looked down at her pale skin against his darker skin tone. “Please don’t give up. Please stay. It will be difficult, but you won’t be alone. I’ll be here for you, through whatever happens. The crew will get used to you, and once they know you, they’ll want you here. They’ll have to.”

She thought about the possibility of being alone again. She thought of the possibility of finding more of her kind on Earth. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that. She felt his breath hinged on her answer. She was unsure, but thankful for Chakotay’s friendship. She did dread the idea of being alone again.

Chakotay’s brown eyes waited her answer. He would understand if she left. He’d miss her. He wanted to know her more completely. He held his sexual desire for her back at a respectable distance. He respected her.

B’Elanna respected her, even after the Howl had nearly killed her. Naomi loved her like a big sister, even though the Howl had nearly attacked her.

She could stay for a while. If things became too difficult, she could still leave. She nodded. “I’ll stay.”

*

Janeway watched the entire exchange from her ready room. She hadn’t intended to eavesdrop, but the monitor had come to life as soon as Caela’s program was initiated.

She sat now, a cooling cup of coffee in her hand. She found that her mouth was hanging open at what she’d seen and heard.

Kathryn set her coffee on her desk. She sat literally stunned at the words she’s heard from Caela’s lips.
Seven? In love with me? Seven. In love with me.

And furthermore, she was stunned at Caela’s story. She’d lied to Seven rather than keep her to herself.
She gave up the woman she had bonded to for life, because it was the right thing to do.

No wonder Chakotay was enamored of her.

She checked the holodeck security status. No one was observing and the force fields were down. Of course, she realized, because there was no Howl in there.

So only she knew of what had just transpired between Caela and Chakotay. They sat now in the clearing,

Caela quiet and watching the fire. Chakotay quiet and watching Caela.

She turned off the monitor.

Kathryn would need time to… assimilate this knowledge.

*
 
At her post in Astrometrics, Seven recalibrated the sensors. There was much work to be done, since she had been spending so much of her time with Caela.

It hurt to think of it; no longer held in Caela’s arms, no longer would their lips touch. Seven focused.  Crying over it would do her little good. She still had Caela’s friendship and she would still see her in that capacity.

They had entered a new sector, and the planetary system was unusually dense. One sun, ten planets, and each planet with one to three moons. There would be work here to keep her busy as long as they were in this system.

As she went about her work, Seven found her mind wandering. She did not like this. While she and Caela were together, her mind didn’t wander. When the desire for sex would awaken in her, she knew she’d be coming back to Caela, and so she focused on her work.

The desires had come to order. She could admire the beauty of a crew member, and perhaps even feel lust. But the confusion was gone. She wasn’t distracted. Her sexual desires had come under her control, and her direction.

Until now. Caela choosing a mate? And it had to be male. Seven assumed it would be Chakotay. She also assumed it was unwise for Caela to mate. Pregnancy in her condition was foolish. If it was possible for Caela to become impregnated by a human male.

Seven felt the odd sting of jealousy. It seemed she was becoming fully human after all. This was one of the least pleasant of human emotions. She wouldn’t allow jealousy to mar her memories of her experiences and time with Caela. She would remain close to the woman who taught her how to please another in the most intimate ways. She would remain close to this one person who truly understood her.
She’d always thought Kathryn understood her. Perhaps she had been wrong.

Having discovered sexuality, Seven had decided she would not be giving it up as an activity. She would find another lover. Someone she cared about, a woman who she could please and enjoy time with. She took note of her own thought; she only desired women in this manner. Men were friends, and nothing more. She never found them to be sexually appealing as women were. She’d made the attempt at dating a man when she assumed it was a man she ought to date. The majority of human females did this. But now, she knew that no man could ever really fulfill her. It seemed she fell into the approximately twenty five percent of human females who sexually and emotionally desired only other females. Thirty two percent desired both men and women to varying degrees, and the remaining percentages were heterosexual, according to the latest data compiled and stored in Voyagers sociology database. Data was often flawed; Seven suspected the numbers of women loving women were in fact higher. How could they not be?

Yes, she’d find a new lover.
 
The first person to come into her mind was Kathryn. Seven set the idea aside; Kathryn had distanced herself. Seven’s actions and friendship with Caela had damaged the relationship between she and Kathryn. She hoped she could repair it. Right now she could not think how. Seven had always relied on Kathryn’s wisdom and opinion when she needed advice on such a matter. And she couldn’t very well ask Kathryn for advice on Kathryn.

That thought made her head hurt, for just a moment. Too little logic, yet too much.

Enough. She thoroughly purged the thought from her mind. For now.

*

End Part Nine