SAY WHAT?!?

“Evasive maneuvers.”

Kind words will be answered and flames will be tossed out the airlock.

“Coffee. Black.”

Obediently, the computer deposited a steaming cup of the stuff onto the replicator. Dressed in her grey undershirt and uniform pants, Captain Kathryn Janeway of the U.S.S. Voyager snatched up the cup and inhaled. God, the aroma. Sip. Pause. Shudder. The caffeine was racing through her veins. She gulped some more. Oh, yeah, now she was ready to face to world. She went over to her console, plopped down, and began to paw at the padds scattered there, gulping more coffee.

She jabbed a thumb on the neglected padd. Putting down her now empty cup, she gathered all the paperwork and re-stacked them neatly on the desk. She leaned back, getting her buzz on. The com signal jerked her out of her reverie.

She’s still down there? She tapped her combadge. “Go ahead.”

I just wanted to let you know that we have just completed the warp core diagnostic and everything checks out except for one tiny detail, I mean like, that little speed bump we came across really had me nervous floating around and shit, and Harry’s been going over the sensor logs and…

“B’Elanna…”

-never seen anything like it. I mean, who would have thought that kind of anomaly would exist and-

“B’Elanna! Slow. Down. I get the picture. How about telling me about this tiny detail?”

The half-Klingon Chief Engineer took one deep breath and was a bout to launch into another babbling session when-

Brroooo-bop!

“Stand by, Lieutenant.” Janeway was a little grateful for the reprieve. Dealing with Torres in general was all right, but once she’d had at least two liters of coffee…hoo boy. “Come in…”

ÃÃÃ

Meanwhile, in Main Engineering, B’Elanna Torres tapped her foot impatiently. She just had to let the Captain know about that tiny detail. There was a slight feedback loop in the warp core console that was wreaking havoc on the gel packs. Ensign Le Beau, a slender young woman who was a Damage Control Unit Officer, crouched down at on open panel, trying to chase down the glitch.

Torres strode over to inspect. “Any luck, Le Beau?”

“Almost there, sir. I’m scanning the gel packs now. Here it is. This one’s neural pathways are miss-aligned.” She reached into her tool kit. “Ten minutes, tops.”

Torres sighed in relief. “Good work, Le Beau. This oughta-” She froze. Was she hearing voices? Of course. The com line to the Captain was still open. She’d distinctly heard Janeway call for someone to come in. There was the hiss of the door. And footsteps…Torres tapped Le Beau’s shoulder and pressed a finger to her lips. The young ensign nodded and resumed her work, but more quietly. Now this oughta be interesting…

Good morning, Seven. And how are we doing?

“We”, captain? I myself and functioning normally, and since you were curious about your status, it is my observation that your respiratory and cardiovascular systems are operating within normal parameters, notwithstanding the fact that you have just ingested a substantial amount of caffeine.

It was just an expression, Seven What can I do for you?

Here are the latest sensor readings of the subspace anomaly we encountered. You might find them…intriguing.

There was silence except for the tiny trills of the padd. Hmmm. You’re right. This is intriguing. Tell you what. I’ve got an hour before I’m due on the bridge. Why don’t we…

Silence.

Captain…

Seven? The voice was small. Weak.

Sensing the rare opportunity for some red-hot gossip, B’Elanna snatched up a tricorder and keyed in a few commands. She was glad she did because the next thing everyone heard was…

Oh. Ohhhh. Ooooh. Ohh…yes. Mmmm. God…Oh…uuhn. Eergh. Hurrrrm.

It was definitely Janeway.

Everyone in Engineering stopped dead in their tracks, not believing what they were hearing. Jaws dropped. Eyes widened. There were even a few giggles.

Ahhh. Ohhh. God, don’t stop. Mmmmm. Ahhhhh…Ohhh. Seven! Ssssssevennnn. Lower…lower…lower…oh God, right there. Yes…yes…ooohhhh. Gasping, moaning.

You are…enjoying this. Leave it to Seven to state the obvious.

Oh yeah. Wait till I get my hands on you…oh…God. Yes. YES! Ohhh…muh-What the HELL did you stop for?

Silence, then…There is too much friction. My ministrations would be more efficient if you were to remove this…component.

Pause. Well, since you put it that way. Longer pause.

B’Elanna’s mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. Holy shit! Le Beau finished the repairs in record time and claimed her front row seat. The rest of the gamma shift had crowded around silently, straining for the next sound. And sure enough, the show started right back up again.

Oh…yes. Mmmmm. Mmmmmmm. You were right. This…is…much better. Oh. Ohhhh. Gods…where…did...you…learn…this…trick…ohhh. Ohh.

The Collective assimilated many cultures skilled at these techniques. I am combining a myriad of them upon you now.

Be…sure…to…thank…them…Oh…oh…God. Oh yes. Right. Theeeerrrrre. Enough. Ohhh. Stop…please…

As you wish.

Thank you…Thank you…I needed that…I gotta get ready. You get yours tonight. Now what was I …oh shit. B’Elanna! I forgot all about her.

At the sound of that, everyone shot back to his or her stations, leaving an open-mouthed B’Elanna holding the tricorder, along with an equally speechless Le Beau. She snapped back to reality, hurriedly closed the com-link and quit recording. Then came the inevitable beep.

Janeway to Torres.

“Go ahead.” That didn’t sound too guilty, did it?

About that little problem you had?

“Just a glitch, captain, Le Beau took care of it. Everything’s fine.” Two pairs of dark eyes locked in mutual apprehension.

Just what I wanted to hear. Good work, ladies. Janeway out.

Torres and Le Beau sighed in relief. The ensign was shaking her head. “That was…I mean who would have thought…”

‘I’ll tell you what, Le Beau.” B’Elanna began, waving the tricorder. “We’ve got some radioactive shit here.”

“So what’s the plan?”

A slow grin spread on the young ex-Maquis.

ÃÃÃ

For the life of her, Janeway couldn’t quite figure out why everyone from Engineering was looking at her funny. Hell, maybe it was that speed bump that temporarily stalled the warp engines. And short-circuited the artificial gravity. It wouldn’t be the first time, though. A few years back, she had rammed the ship through a binary star to shake off some aliens who’d turned Voyager into a running experiment. That little escapade blew out more than a few circuits, EPS manifolds you name it. The Engineering crew was forced to work around the clock for a week.

Janeway shoved that thought back into her mind as she settled back into her command chair. Oh well. She glanced over to Chakotay, who merely smiled warmly.

“Something on your mind, Kathryn?”

“As a matter of fact, there is.” She turned over in her chair, trying not to make it look too obvious. Her voice dropped to a low whisper. “Is it just me, or is the entire Engineering staff talking behind my back?”

“Well,” the handsome commander chuckled softly. “They were up all night repairing the engines and the gravity units. Needless to say, nerves were frayed. On the other hand, if you hadn’t decided to take a closer look at that black hole, we never would have discovered…” he paused for dramatic effect. “The Gap.”

She emitted a short snort. “Is that what we’re calling it now? Heh. I like it. How…apt.”

Tuvok rolled his eyes surreptitiously at the bad joke. The captain was just a little too…relaxed. Moreover, where was her customary coffee?

Harry Kim was wondering that, too. Janeway minus coffee usually equaled disaster. But not today. Did she look a little…flushed? Nah.

Tom Paris was trying to remember which bet B’Elanna was referring to. Okay, so it cost him five replicator rations, but finding out was half the fun, right?

The com beeped. Torres to Tuvok.

Tuvok slapped his combadge. “Tuvok here.”

I need to see you in your office right away.

Both Janeway and Chakotay looked at him with questioning looks. Tuvok raised his eyebrows in equal puzzlement. “Acknowledged.” He headed for the turbolift leaving everyone wondering what was up.

ÃÃÃ

Her voice was steady and relaxed. “…and when I checked it out to see what was on it, there were these…noises. I couldn’t believe it when I heard it.” She pointed at the tricorder on his desk before clasping her hands behind her back and looking up.

This was making absolutely no sense to Tuvok. Here was Lieutenant Torres bringing in a tricorder with some…questionable content. This is what she called him into his office for?

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “And you found this tricorder…where?”

“Jeffries tube Alpha 4, section 28.”

Vulcan eyes bored into the young face. There was more going on than she was letting on, but Tuvok was less than willing to waste any more time than he needed to get to the bottom of this. This must be yet another practical joke masterminded by Tom Paris. “So…what is recorded on this tricorder? Why do you refuse to recite it?”

“Because…because I believe it speaks for itself. I’m sorry, sir. If you want to find out what’s in it, you’ll have to listen to it yourself.”

“Very well. I will…listen to this…rendition. Please understand that diverting a security officer from duty with a false alarm can be a serious offense. I hope for your sake this is not something trivial, is that understood, Lieutenant?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Dismissed.”

Torres slid out of his office, grinning inwardly. He’ll never admit it, but he just loves gossip as much as everyone else. Can I cover my ass, or what?

When she was gone, Tuvok picked up the tricorder and keyed in a few controls and listened to the infamous recording. Once it was over, his brows were threatening to invade his hairline.

“Fascinating.”

Things were beginning to make a lot more sense. It wasn’t exactly detrimental to ship’s security, yet it raised some questions. The question was, should he really confront the Captain with this? Tuvok leaned forward, steepling his hands and staring at the tricorder as if it were a sehlat that hadn’t been housebroken. Apparently, someone recorded this with the intention of…what exactly? He knew damn well that Torres had had a hand in this. The half-Klingon’s penchant for gossip was common knowledge. He came to the dawning realization that Torres had put him in a rather awkward position. For minutes, the dark Vulcan wavered between reporting this to the Captain and embarrassing her, or keeping silent and just…not knowing.

Finally, he came to a solution that he felt would benefit everyone. He picked up the piece of technology, contemplating it for a moment, then keyed in some controls. Within seconds, the offending piece of data was no more. That taken care of, Tuvok embarked on the difficult task of getting the truth out of Kathryn Janeway.

ÃÃÃ

At the same moment, Ensign Le Beau sat at her console in Engineering tapping her fingers impatiently. Come on…come on… Finally, boops and beeps got her attention. “Yes!” She flipped open a tricorder and did an interface. Yes…yes… Bingo! When it was done, she checked the contents and tapped her commbadge. “Le Beau to Torres.”

And…?

“Mission accomplished. Downloading into your console…now.” Le Beau tapped a few keys on her console.

Got it. Thanks, Micki. Torres out.

Le Beau leaned back and grinned. She wondered what other Maquis tricks Torres was gonna pull of next.

ÃÃÃ

At her Ready Room, Janeway hunched before her console, still coffee-less.

Captain’s Log, Supplemental: Slightly annoyed engineers aside, it would seem that our recovery from the…ah, Gap Phenomenon has turned mysterious. A routine diagnostic of the main computer has revealed a single file that wasn’t there before. Although it is encrypted, I am confident that my crew is undoubtedly…

Brrrooo-bop!

Janeway ground her teeth. And I was on a roll, too. “Come in.” She softened when Tuvok strode in. “So what did B’Elanna want to see you about?”

“A personal matter, Captain.” The dark Vulcan spoke evenly.

“Oh?” She balanced her face on her chin. “How personal?”

“I cannot answer that, captain. However, I must ask you a few questions.”

She leaned back in her chair, regarding her best friend with a bemused look on her face. “Okay…” she began slowly. “I’ll bite. Proceed.”

“Where were you at 0730 hours today?”

“In my quarters.”

“And at that time, was anyone else there with you?”

She blinked. “And you want to know because…”

“Please answer the question, Captain.”

ÃÃÃ

At lunchtime, Seven and Harry were going over that file which had popped up. The pieces of the puzzle were falling together. The pair was completely oblivious to the faint chattering in the mess hall. From behind his galley, Neelix, the resident cook/guide/morale officer/ambassador sprinkled just a touch of a suspicious-looking spice into a giant simmering pot. Ahh, there it is. He prepared a plate and handed it to a science officer. “Here you go, ensign. Err, by the way…any idea why Engineering is in such an uproar?”

“Bingo.” Seven intoned.

Harry raised an eyebrow. “You’ve been hanging around Tom too much. What have you got?”

The blonde Borg straightened in her chair and showed him the padd with an air of…pride? “I have deciphered the message. Apparently it was written in a highly complex language.”

“Which is…?”

“El-Aurian.”

“Really?” he leaned closer and let out a low whistle. “I’ll be damned.”

Seven frowned. “Ensign?”

“It’s just an expression. It’s been theorized that the El-Aurians are native to the Delta Quadrant, but it’s been neither confirmed nor denied. Over a century ago, the Borg decimated their home planet and a handful of survivors were literally scattered across the galaxy. At least, that’s what the story is.” His voice gentled towards the now-silent ex-drone. “Do you have any…insight?”

“I do,” came the clipped reply.

Harry studied the tall blonde closely and wisely chose not to press the matter. Apparently, there was a key to this mystery, which might be too unsettling for Seven.

“All right, back to where we were,” he continued. “So, what does the message say?”

“They appear to be…instructions.”

“Are you thinking what I am thinking?”

She looked at him then, the metal on her left brow rising. “If you…‘think’ that we should inform the Captain, then we are in agreement.”

“Let’s do it.”

ÃÃÃ

The bridge was dead silent when Harry and Seven emerged from the turbolift. The Captain rose and nodded towards the Ready Room. Once they went in, fierce whispering began to bounce across the walls. Waving his huge hands, Chakotay shushed everyone, and all eyes turned to Tuvok.

“Well,” Tom smirked. “Are you gonna spill it, or what?”

“Mr. Paris,” Tuvok answered coolly. “I have nothing to ‘spill’. Frankly, I cannot comprehend your need for…gossip as it were.”

Chakotay jumped in. “Is B’Elanna in trouble?”

“No.”

“Then why did the Captain get this odd look on her face after you’d talked to her?”

“Perhaps you should ask Lieutenant Torres.”

“I intend to.” Chakotay furrowed his brow, crinkling his tribal tattoo. He then fixed his gaze forward. “Tom, you seem to know something.”

“Know what?” Tom Paris could never quite pull off the innocent look.

“Come on, Tom. I spotted you sending messages to B’Elanna.”

“I…I…” The pilot sputtered. “She’s in her quarters.”

Chakotay threw up his hands. This was going nowhere. He was struggling with a tiny suspicion that something was up. Now that he thought about it, B’Elanna had been acting rather strangely this morning. She hadn’t stopped by his office to chat as usual. But then again, she had been in Main Engineering non-stop for nearly thirty hours. Maybe she was suffering from sleep depravation. Maybe she did something…horrible. On the other hand, Tom didn’t seem to upset about it. Chakotay leveled a laser glare at the back of the tow-headed pilot’s head. Dammit, I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.

ÃÃÃ

Damn, did she know Tuvok, or what? Poor guy. He comes across some embarrassing info on his best friend, and he’s stuck wondering whether it was a threat to the ship. B’Elanna Torres took another look at her jug of bloodwine and grinned. Thank you, Tom. Now if only you’d keep your mouth shut until you’re off the bridge. Don’t want to tip off the Captain. This was the crowning moment. For years, she’d insisted that there was something going on between Janeway and Seven of Nine. Now she had proof, filed away on her personal console Oh, sure, the rumors had been flying around from the moment the ex-drone stepped on board Voyager, but it had amounted to nothing more than speculation. Hell, the Captain hadn’t had a good toss in the hay in eons. If not with Chakotay, then why not with Seven? But then again, Janeway seemed to be going out of her way to avoid the buxom Borg lately. Could that be the reason why she spent three days with a holo-character? Denial times three. She plunked backwards onto her bed, giggling and kicking her legs in the air. She bolted upright when the door chimed. “Come in!” she sang out.

Immediately, the door hissed open to admit a very pissed off Chakotay. “What the hell is going on?” he barked. “After you talk to Tuvok, he goes straight to the Captain. I can’t get an answer out of him, and Kathryn acts as if she’s sitting on a time bomb. Would you care to tell me what the commotion is all about?”

ÃÃÃ

Seven of Nine’s slender fingers danced across the Astrometrics console with intense concentration, yet a portion of her thoughts was elsewhere. In the Mess Hall, the bridge, and especially in Engineering, she had noticed that a few crewmembers were whispering and looking at her with rather amused expressions on their faces. The words “horizontal” and “screwing their brains out” had particularly caught her attention.

She remembered one of her many “philosophical discussions” with the Captain, all of which were dutifully imprinted on her eidetic memory…

“…and that is what I have overheard.”

Silence. Then…giggles. Then gurgles as Janeway nearly choked on her coffee. “Kaff kaff…okay! You certainly are blunt, aren’t you?”

“I am merely repeating what was said.”

“Well…um…let’s not go there, Seven. The last thing I need is a can of worms.”

“A…can of worms.”

“That’s a fancy way of saying that there are some scenarios that I would rather avoid.”

“For example?”

“Like oversleeping and then showing up late on the bridge.”

“But the time is 0300 hours.”

“Exactly.”

“What does this have to do with what we were discussing…”

“Seven. It’s time for you to regenerate and for me to catch some sleep. Can this wait till tomorrow?”

“Very well.”

Seven had been puzzled, but complied anyway. She paused, as a sudden thought popped into her head. The Captain did promise to see her tonight. What were her exact words?

“You’ll get yours tonight.”

She certainly didn’t know what that meant and the Captain didn’t exactly go into detail, but Seven found herself preoccupied with the upcoming event and a corner of her mouth began to twitch...

ÃÃÃ

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU KNEW ALL THIS TIME?!?”

In the nearly empty Mess Hall, all eyes were swung at Harry Kim, who merely blinked behind his beer glass. “Well,” he began, glancing at B’Elanna, Tom, Chakotay, and Neelix. “After seeing the Captain on the bridge and then working with Seven, I sorta put two and two together.”

Tom blinked. “Well, I’d have to say that’s a really big improvement over ‘Sex! They were having sex!’ So tell me…” his voice lowered. “Exactly how did you know?”

Harry put down his sweaty glass and began to twirl it. “Oh…just something Seven mentioned while we were working on that file today. Something told to me in the strictest confidence…”

“HARRY!”

“Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you…”

ÃÃÃ

Ten seconds later, the silence hung in the air like a wet blanket. Tom’s mouth flew open. Chakotay blinked, debating whether or not to dash off and do a vision quest. Neelix was taking notes for tomorrow’s broadcast. And B’Elanna Torres slowly began to thump her thick head against the table. “How…” Thud. “Could…” Thud. “I…” Thud. “Been…” Thud. “So…”

With a sigh, Chakotay reached over, grabbed a handful of hair and yanked the Chief Engineer upright. “Get a hold of yourself.”

B’Elanna groaned heavily. “You mean to tell me that they weren’t…screwing their brains out? All that gasping and moaning wasn’t…‘Sex! They were having sex!’ Thanks a lot, Starfleet.”

“I never said they haven’t,” Harry replied coolly as he let Neelix refill his beer.

Now everyone hunched forward, dying to hear what other secrets Ensign Kim had privy to.

“Well,” he began after taking a long pull on his beer. “Remember the time when the Hirogen captured our ship and used the rest of you as target practice…?”

ÃÃÃ

Janeway had never felt better. She was loose, relaxed, and maybe a bit euphoric. Seven certainly had some moves. She strode through the corridors with a rather goofy grin on her face. Oh, the look on Tuvok’s face when she’d told him…okay it wasn’t exactly a look. He’d merely raised his eyebrows and made some cryptic remark about not giving the crew any more encouragement. When she’d asked what this had to do with B’Elanna, he’d then shifted slightly then stated that the Chief Engineer had an insatiable curiosity.

Curiosity killed the cat...

She entered Main Engineering, and was nearly delighted to see everyone was laughing and chattering as they worked. Okay, I think it’s safe to say they’re not pissed at me anymore. “As you were,” she announced, waving her hand as some of the crew began to snap to attention. Every face bore broad grins. Even Ensign Vorick was struggling not to smile. Damn, it must be infectious. I’m happy, they’re happy…

She went over to check on the diagnostics. She spotted Ensign Le Beau tapping on a padd and went over.

The young ensign looked up as the Captain approached. Uh-oh. Don’t know shit. Don’t know shit… “Hi, Captain!” Way to go, Le Beau. Act like a complete idiot. The grin fell from her face as the world-famous Janeway Level-Ten Look was aimed at her.

“Ensign…” Janeway began slowly. “I understand that there was a bit of a problem this morning.”

Le Beau swallowed. “Well, I…um….”

“Good job, Ensign.” The good Captain smiled broadly and clapped the bemused young woman on the back. “I had no idea you were so adept at gel-pac repair. Have you been experimenting with the Doctor?”

Le Beau sighed with relief. “Uh…yes. Whenever I could get a word edgewise. Thank you, Captain.” Can I leave now? Please?

“Keep it up, Le Beau.” Janeway continued to pound the ensign’s back. “B’Elanna better watch out.” She parted a final grin and began to wander off, leaving a relieved Le Beau slumping against a station.

Brrrooop. Seven of Nine to Captain Janeway. Please report to Astrometrics.

Janeway smiled wryly. “Yes, ma’am,” she said, cutting off the connection before Seven could utter another word. And turned to find all of the crew whipping their heads back to their stations faster than you can say “Akoo-Chee-Moya.” Shaking her head, Janeway began her way out of there, still wondering what was up. The chattering had lowered considerably.

Tuvok’s warning crept into her consciousness. Don’t give them any encouragement? My ass. That rumour’s long dead. Still, she couldn’t help but wonder about that, even as the turbolift doors shut against titters, jabbering, a scatter of applause, and a rather loud chorus of “Whooooooo.”

Satisfaction brought it back?

ÃÃÃ

Janeway finally had a cup of coffee for the first time since morning. She was going to need it. Or was it to wash down that foot she’d inserted in her mouth? Seven of Nine had wanted top know…in detail…what the words “You’ll get yours tonight.” Meant.

She’d forgotten saying that. Okay, so she was caught up in the moment and she’d said a few things, but it was no big deal. Right? She hoped that Seven wouldn’t call on her eidetic memory and recount every word that was said, but that was wishful thinking.

“…you had also ordered me to ‘wait till I get my hands on you.’ Do you wish to reciprocate?”

“Uhh. Sure. 2000 hours at my quarters. Anything else?”

“Yes. I have reason to believe that 66% of the crew is aware of this engagement.”

Hot java threatened to jump down Janeway’s windpipe and she promptly coughed. “Excuse me?” she croaked.

Seven clasped her hands behind her back and continued. “I have overheard various members of the Engineering staff speculating about our…‘hot date’ tonight. Is this what you referred to as a can of worms?”

The gears were turning in the Captain’s head. This doesn’t make any sense. How would they know that…and then it hit her. She downed the coffee in one gulp with a groan. The open com-link. She smacked her forehead and let it slide down to cover her mouth. What had she said to B’Elanna? Not “Janeway out”, but “Stand by” And they had heard every word that was uttered afterwards. God, I could just kick myself. She muttered something incoherent to Seven and wandered out of Astrometrics, tossing the empty cup behind her.

Seven easily caught the cup and raised her eyebrow. So this was what a can of worms was.

Fascinating.