She was beloved – Seven’s point of view

As I held her hand, I could only think of one thing.  She saved Lauren’s life:  The mother of our child, my friend, my partner, my lover, my wife. And I am so absolutely grateful. For a brief moment I got a taste of what life would be like without Lauren.  That was the moment when the Doctor ordered me to sickbay.

 I knew Lauren was supposed to be planet side digging for raw materials. I also knew it was dangerous. I ran to sickbay afraid something had happened to Lauren. I could not think. Everything inside me screamed for Lauren. ‘Please, whatever god is out there, please let nothing bad happen to Lauren. I need her. I love her more than my life.’

I saw a body in a space-suit lying on a bio-bed. The Doctor hovering over it. ‘Please, not Lauren!’ I was shaking, nearly crying. But than someone grabbed my shoulder from behind and took me in an embrace. Immediately I knew it was Lauren. I knew her so well. Over the years I burned every detail about her in my heart and in my mind.

„It’s the captain.“ Lauren’s voice a whisper.

„There was a falling rock. She pushed me out of the way and the rock hit her instead of me. She saved my life.“

We went to the bio-bed. The doctor wanted to administer some hyposprays to the captain. But Janeway stopped him. She smiled when she saw us together. She was so happy. I could not find words to describe it. She must have known she was dying. Still there was this happiness in her eyes. We held her hands. Kathryn Janeway meant so much to both of us. She was so much more than our captain. Sometime ago Lauren told me what the captain had done for her. How they talked to each other for hours and Kathryn had given her new strength to face life. We owed her so much.

„Give Kathryn a kiss for me and tell her to take good care of her mommies.“

Kathryn Janeway died with a smile on her face.

I didn’t know how long we stood beside her still holding her hands. After some time the senior staff arrived in sickbay. Everyone wanted to say „Good bye“ to Kathryn Janeway. B’Elanna had to support her husband Tom. He was crying. Lauren and I went to our quarters to give everyone some private last moments with the captain.

Little Kathryn was sleeping. I wanted to hug her, kiss her, tell her how precious she is, how much she meant to us, how much we love her. But I did not want to wake her. Lauren seemed to sense my thoughts and took me in her arms. We sat down on the floor in front of Kathryn's bed embracing each other and watching over Kathryn. No words were spoken. Both of us let our minds wander.

I reminded myself of the night when Lauren confessed her love me.

My life was tumbling down around me.  Captain Janeway had already taught me a lot about human behaviour. She took me to her da Vinci simulation and gave me lessons on art. „It’s a way to explore aspects about yourself. Imagination, creativity, fantasy.“  She had severed my connection to the hive mind and she felt responsible for me and tried to give me back what the Borg had stolen. But her efforts were more like lessons. There was this invisible line between us which she would never cross. She told me once, „I am also your captain that means I cannot be your friend at all times.“

Lauren was different. Lauren was fun. She did not lecture me. She showed me, she acted with me. She did not say to me: „Music is a good way to relax and too experience something about yourself.“ She gave me a padd and simply said, „Try it by yourself and later sing with me.“

Some weeks later we were in her bathroom in front of this large mirror and she said to me, „I see a wonderful young woman who I have spent a lot of time with during the last few weeks. We had a lot of fun together. We made music together, read books, visited the holodeck. We did things together which humans normally do. Part of her is Borg, but I don’t care. I see only the woman. The woman who I fell deeper and deeper in love with every single moment we shared together.“

I turned around to look directly into her eyes and I knew that I had found everything. Respect, trust, friendship and love. And so much of it. She said it. She loves me. Me, the former Borg Drone. No, she said she loves the woman. I touched her face. I could believe her. I could trust her. She meant every honest word.

„I... I fell in love with you too.“ I heard myself saying.

And I kissed her. First shyly like she kissed me after our performance. Again I felt the warmth of her body against mine. But now it felt even warmer. No, it felt hot. Again and again I brushed my lips over her mouth. So soft, so tender, so yielding. She reciprocated my kisses, shyly like me, as if she had never kissed anyone before.

After a while we were both breathless and shaking. She took my hand and led me out of the bathroom. With a smile she said she didn’t want either of us falling on the hard floor. I appreciated her logic. Everything in my body turned to jelly. We stood in front of her bed. I needed to sit down and as I did so, I took her with me.

Some hours later we lay naked and exhausted in each others arms. I could not believe it. I did it. I had made love to Lauren and was loved by her in return. She was so soft and so tender with me. Light kisses and touches all over my body, caressing me with her lips and fingers. And all the time asking me if she should continue, if it was too much for me,  if I really wanted it. I did not want to stop. I wanted all of her and I loved what she did to me. It was exactly what I needed. We undressed each other. Then, as our now naked bodies touched again, it felt like fire. I was barely able to breath. She took me higher and higher, sent me through the ceiling and gently caught me as I was coming down.

***

My communicator peeped. It was Chakotay. He ordered me and Lauren to the conference room. Little Kathryn woke. I took her in my arms and kissed her forehead. Lauren caressed her check and kissed her too. Than gave her a second kiss; Kathryn Janeway’s kiss. I vowed to myself every evening before Kathryn went to bed that I would also give her a kiss from Kathryn Janeway.

We took little Kathryn to Sam's. Miral was  already there. Naomi will play and look after them while we are in the staff meeting.

„I wished we had another reason for this meeting.“ Chakotay begun. „But we have to plan a funeral.“

B’Elanna, who was holding Tom’s hand and in deep mourning, suddenly stood up and said angrily. „Her body is not yet cold and you are already planning her funeral. I can’t believe it. How dare you !“

„Sooner or later we have to do it. There are some Starfleet regulations about dealing with the death of crewmembers.“

„Piss off Chakotay. You will never give her body to empty space. Tom, say something. She did so much for you, for all of us.“ B’Elanna tugged on Tom’s arm.

Tom, his eyes still red from crying, „B’Elanna is right. The Captain wanted so much to go back to earth. We owe it to her to take her home.“

Everyone nodded in agreement.

If B’Elanna had not said what she did then I would have. I was very grateful to B’Elanna and Tom.

***

Life on Voyager was not the same after the Captain was gone. How could it be?  We all missed her terribly. Sometimes, I stood in front of her quarters and wished I could just press the intercom and she would be there and bid me enter.

Memories came back to my mind of our philosophical discussions and the evening I told her about me and Lauren. She was so happy for us both and wished us all the best. Then I recalled our wedding. Kathryn Janeway performed the marriage ceremony. She had some tears in her eyes when she performed it. She embraced us both after the ceremony. I did not know who was more emotional, her or us.

We have a lot of pictures in our quarters. One was very special to us. Now more than ever before. The Doctor took it. It was the Captain with Kathryn in her arms shortly after her birth. Another one showed the four of us. I reminded myself  how Lauren choked as the Doctor made the picture. She said to little Kathryn: „Now learn a new word: granny Kathryn.“

Kathryn Janeway’s expression was priceless.

I wish little Kathryn could have had more time to get to know Kathryn Janeway. Learn from her and share time with this gorgeous woman. I wish Kathryn Janeway were still a part of our family and could give us advise. That she could take care of us and share our laughter and our happiness. I wish Kathryn Janeway could watch over little Kathryn and see her growing up.

***

There was only one thing to do; bring Voyager back to earth. Fulfil Janeway’s wish. B’Elanna, Lauren and I worked on Voyager’s hull. We took great efforts to get the work done. Sometimes, we looked at each other and thought the same thought:  Janeway would be proud of us. Chakotay acted as captain, but no one really respected him. Not after the meeting in which he wanted to plan Janeways funeral immediately after her death. So Tuvok was the true captain. He made all the important decisions and led Voyager and her crew like Kathryn Janeway would have done it.

Then Harry Kim found the wormhole back to the Alpha-Quadrant. We were all excited about it. But it was also a bitter-sweet victory. We would bring only Kathryn Janeway's body back to earth and to her family. We all wished Kathryn Janeway were still alive and would be on Voyager’s bridge when we entered earth's orbit.

The day before Voyager went to the wormhole B’Elanna invited me and Lauren over to her and Tom’s quarters. Harry, Tuvok and the Doctor were also there.

„We have last honours to plan for Kathryn Janeway when we are back on earth.“ B’Elanna started.

We had a long discussion about it. But talked mostly about if we should include Chakotay in our plans. But we needed him and so we decided to give him a chance to prove his loyalty toward Kathryn Janeway and to prove the trust and friendship Kathryn Janeway had placed in him.

Three days later we were in orbit around earth. Tom landed Voyager near Starfleet Headquarters. The crew of Voyager was ready to embark. There was not a big crowd who awaited us. Only some officials of Starfleet and the close families and friends of Voyager’s crew. Chakotay and Tuvok made sure in the last two days that there would be no fireworks, no parades, and no representative of the media to greet Voyager’s crew. The time for parties would be later. This moment belonged to Kathryn Janeway.

And so the crew left Voyager in pairs and  in complete silence. They lined up and made a path for Kathryn Janeway. And then Tuvok, Chakotay, Tom, Harry, the Doctor, B’Elanna, Lauren and I carried Kathryn Janeway's coffin on our shoulders and out of Voyager.  We believed it was the right thing to do. Let her leave the vessel as the last person and on our shoulders.

The people who were awaiting us were quiet. A lot of them had tears in their eyes. I saw two small red headed women. They clung to each other, trying  to hold back their grief. It must be Gretchen and Phoebe Janeway. I felt very sorry for them and I wished more than anything that Kathryn Janeway was alive and leaving Voyager.

Carefully we took the coffin over to a hovercraft. Despite my eidetic memory, I did not know what would occur next. We were embraced by Lauren’s parents. They adored little Kathryn from the first moment they saw her. I observed Gretchen and Phoebe Janeway. They were talking with Tuvok. Tuvok's wife and his children did not make it in time to be on earth to greet him. I wanted to go to both women and tell them how much Kathryn Janeway meant to me. That we named our little daughter after her and that she would have always have a place in our hearts and in our souls. That we would never forget her and we would honour and cherish her memory. Lauren seemed to sense my intentions. She gave little Kathryn to her mother and excused herself. Then she took my hand and we went over to Gretchen and Phoebe Janeway.

„You don’t have to say anything.“ Gretchen Janeway said. „Tuvok told us all we have to know. And then there are Kathryn’s letters, she wrote so much about the two of you.“

Gretchen Janeway was crying. Phoebe Janeway comforted her.

„When I saw how you all carried my Kathryn out of Voyager. I knew only one thing: Kathryn was a fortunate woman to have such great friends surrounding her. Thank you, to all of  you. This is what counts: My Kathryn was so very much loved.“

Lauren and I looked at each other. We both recognised that we received the last gift from Kathryn Janeway. Her love and her life.