Thoughts

I have been in my alcove to regenarete. Sometimes I hate it, but most of the time I enjoy it to be outside of the collective of Voyager,only to be on my own. Another reason is, in this time my memories are running up, thinking about her, thinking how she looks at me. I was not able yet to read the messages in her looks, when she watched at me. But it feels well, unexpectly well, when she does it. A unknown kind of tenderness, but not like my mother and my father, what I had in my mind, when  sometimes I remember at them. It was more than that, so much more, but I could not find any terms  to describe it. It was only pleasant, to feel her looks, knowing she is...

Seven, Borg, Seven of Nine,  tertiary adjunkt of unimatrix zero-one,what does it belong to you? More than you want to accept. Keep distance Kathryn, you are so terrible in love with her,that you don't want to be this aware. Don't look at her, don't see her grace, her power, her beauty, her blue eyes. Did you ever want to touch a woman? No Kathryn, you didn't want, you was all the time attracted to men until... Until Seven was coming to your vessel, coming in your live and changed the things .

I am Borg. Feelings are irrelavant. A lot of things are irrelavant. Zero and zero is zero, Zero or one is one, this is binar logic, simple to understand. This is relevant. I know more about mathematics, physics, the universe than any bloody imperfect human will ever know. I know, my parents was humans and so I am a human too. Anyway, I don't feel like a human.  I spent more time to be Borg than to be human and so I must be Borg.

But there is something, not something, there is someone. Captain Kathryn Janeway, she looks after me, takes care of me, teachs me, how what it means to be human. She is patient with me and everytime I can reach her  when I have questions and need assistance to understand the human behavour.

Keep cool Kathryn, clear your mind, you are the Captain of the Voyager. Don't think about to touch her. How it will feel to kiss her, to hold her close in your arms, feel the heat of her body. Stop Kathryn, stop! You have separeted her from the Borg Collective, so you are responsible for her. Give her the things back, which the Borg has stolen. Her childhood, her individuality, her feelings. Feelings, god! You want to erase what you feel inside for her. But the more you try to stop it, the more you are aware, what you feel for her. You try to reduce yourself to be only her teacher, her mentor, her captain. Kill the head inside your body, everytime when she comes to you, stays in front of you and you watch at her, this beautiful face, the full lips, her perfect feminine body...

But there is more. I can feel it in my bones, in my flesh, in my blood, in every human part of my body. Sometimes she touches me, when she is talking to me, trying to explain something. It feels okay and I shiver a little. First time I thought there is a failed function by my borg implantats. But then I accepted it as a normal responce. I shiver when she touches me. Maybe everyone is shiver when touched by the Captain. I have to study it.

You are Captain Kathryn Janeway, Captain of the Voyager, you are never off duty. You have to be all the time the Captain. It is not allow to you to have private feelings for a member of your crew. Friendship, this is okay, but not passion, love... Stupid little thing called love, coming up to your mind. arouse you and has a name, called Seven of Nine. Strange, you can make a rhyme Seven of Nine - Heaven of Mine. Stop Kathryn!

My memory is running up. Remember on all situations when the captain touched someone. Chakotay, B'Elanna, Harry. They didn't seem to shiver. It is only me. Curios. What does it mean? I start to search the starfleet database for human physical interactions, human behavour, relationships. One match found, it called sex. I know they practice it to save their population. I know they do it for having fun. I know they do it, to show what they feel for each other. Next match: Desire

.....................

You desire her. You are addicted to her. You want to feel her, kiss her, touch her body. It hurts you, because you know it will never be happen. You have forbidden it to yourself. It is irrelavant to love her, to make love to her. Please, stop what you feel for her. Stop the pain. It is not possible to be with her, to be her lover. You are Kathryn Janeway, first Captain of the Voyager. But you are also a woman, with wishes, feelings, desires...

Yes, it is true. I want that she touches me and make me shiver. And also I want to touch her, feel her skin, her body, be tender with her. Kiss her. Now, I know,  I am in love with her.

You cannot stay longer in your bed. You must get up, have coffee, clear your mind. Do you really want to clear your thoughts? Do you really want reduce yourself only to be the captain? What kind of fool you are Kathryn? You are not able to hide longer what you feel for her for yourself. Stupid, you are so stupid! Go Kathryn, go to the cargobay. Tell her, show her what you feel for her. Maybe it will be a risk, that Seven doesn't understand and give your feelings back. But it is the only chance to be normal again. You have to talk to her. Go Kathryn. DO IT!

The regenaration cycle is completed. I get off my alcove. Knowing what I want, knowing what I need. I will go to her. NOW!

Breathless silence. She runs directly in my arms when I was on the way to her quarter. She seemed surprise, but the glance in her eyes spoke another language to me. "Seven, what are you doing here?" The same thing I could ask her, in the middle of the night on the way to the cargobay. She hestitated to leave my embrance, and she do not need a answer for what I was doing here. Than in one motion she pinned me on the wall. She needed no words, she knew it, that she needed no words to explain.

 The End