Unbreak my heart – Kathryn Janeway point of view

 

 

I

 

Finaly Voyager made it home. After eight years lost in the delta quadrant we found a wormhole back to the earth. I was tired of being captain, tired of the responsibility, tired of everything. Normaly I had to be happy being back at home, back to the family like the rest of my crew. But I was not very happy and the other members of my crew did not seem happy too. It was a bittersweet victory. The woman who made it possible to reach home did not make it in the end.

 

Certainly we lost several men and women on our way back. But this particular crewmember, she was important to Voyager and it was her invention which brought Voyager safely home through this unsteady dangerous wormhole. She was so special. Especially for Seven.

 

“Maybe we should finish our session.”

 

Deanna Troi interupted my musings. I had completely forgotten her. I did not need her compassion or her counseling. Admiral Paris ordered me to her after I said to him I would retire from Starfleet. Perhaps he thought some theraphy would be helpfull for me to think about my decision again. I was sure Deanna Troi had instructions to persuade me to stay with Starfleet.

 

 

“Could be a good idea. You will never convince me to take a new command, not even to lecture at the Starfleet academy.”

 

“What gives you this thought?”

 

“Am I not here to get some therapy and be a captain again?” I was a little bit surprised.

 

“Oh no Kathryn Janeway. You are here to talk. But you are not very communicative. You sit here for  half an hour, hide yourself behind a cup of coffee and your mind is wandering. You only said “Hello”,  “Nice to meet you” and “Thanks for the coffee” than silence. What is causing you trouble? You can trust me. Every spoken word will stay only between you and me.”

 

She did not use my rank to address me. It was a good feeling. Perhaps it was a good idea too to tell her my story which was at least also Seven’s story and the story of her.

 

“Lauren. Lauren Hamilton.” I said suddenly.

 

“The woman who died two years ago?”

 

“Yes, her death was so senseless, so unnecessary. It still hurt so much.”

 

“You had strong feelings toward her.” Deanna observed.

 

“Yes. But  it is more... “

 

I had difficulties in sorting out my thoughts. I did not know where to start. The time before Seven joined Voyager or after. I decided to start with the beginning. The first time when I met Lauren Hamilton.

 

Voyager was still at the shipyards of Utopia Planitia. I had some interviews with officers and scientist to recruit my crew. Lauren was one of them. She held the rank of Lieutenant even though she was fresh from the academy and only 23 years old. I read in her personal file she studied geology and metallurgy before she joined Starfleet. I was impressed. She told me she wanted to earn her phd in natural science and hoped to have enough time to find and to collect unknown minerals and analyze them to find new basic materials for building starships. She did special training on the Starfleet academy for security officers which meant to me that if I had no use for a science officer she would also be a good security officer. I smiled at her statement. It seemed it would mean a great deal to her to be a member of my crew. And she would do everything for it. Even clean the jeffries tubes. I asked for what was driving her, why did she so desperatly want to be on Voyager.

 

“You were a science officer before you obtained the command of Voyager. I hope you will give me the same chance for my explorations.”

 

I smiled again. “Welcome on board science officer lieutenant Hamilton.”

 

She beamed and she was so happy in this moment. I took some time to study her. She was a beautiful woman. Long dark hair, dark eyes, classic european features, perhaps some of her ancestors were French. Her body was slim and athletic. I was sure she did a lot of sports.

 

The next time when I saw her she entered Voyager with her luggage. On her back she carefully carried  a guitar. Neither one of us knew in this moment that soon she would have the opportunity to discover a lot of raw materials in the delta quadrant.

 

 

II

 

I assumed Deanna had read the official reports of how we get stranded in the delta quadrant and how I had to put the two crews together. I told her the story behind the story, what was not written in the logs. The story of Lauren Hamilton and how she changed my life and changed the life of Seven.

Soon, maybe one week after the Marquee joined Voyager, Lauren changed. She was no longer the cheerful young woman. She had dark circles under her eyes as if she did not get enough sleep. She lost weight. She did not interact with the crew. She was a shadow of herself. First I ignored her condition. I had too much to do with Voyager, fighting the Kazon, melding the crew together. After a dangerous away mission which landed several crew member in sickbay, I noticed that Lauren had been part of the away team. It was certainly not the first time she joined away missions. She voluteered for all away missions. I don't know why I hadn't realised this earlier. I decided it was time to have an earnest talk with Lauren.

I went to her quarters.  The doctor gave her a clean bill of health but relieved her of duty for a few days to rest and to regain her power.

She was resting on her couch when I entered her quarters. She tried to stand up.

“At ease Lauren. I am not only here as your captain. I need answers. Why do you try to join every away mission? Why don’t you eat enough and get enough sleep?   It seems to me you try to kill yourself. I don’t need such members of my crew. Not in this difficult situation.”

“I am very sorry captain. I did not intend to...”

Than Lauren started crying. I never could handle tears very well. It made me so helpless. I saw the pain in her eyes. I sat down beside her and took her in a comforting embrance.

“Why are you so nice to me? I deceived you.”

“You’ve deceived me? I don’t understand.”

Lauren looked shyly at me. Than she started her story, why she insisted on joining the crew of Voyager. Somehow she knew about the mission to the Badlands to retrieve the members of the Marquee. Her younger sister Anne was one of them. Lauren hoped to find and rescue her. But it was too late. Her sister was already dead. Lauren gave me only the short version. But I was sure that there was so much more behind her words. Perhaps one day she would tell me. Something was broken inside Lauren. When I met her she was so full of hope and she had made such efforts to convince me to take her as a crewmember. Now I knew why.

I studied her intensely. She looked tired and devasted. I noticed she had changed her tunic from science blue to operation yellow. Than I saw her guitar. Full of dust. She had stopped playing it ever since she had found out that her sister was dead.

I did not know what to say. “The show must go on” or something like this was not appropriate. We all had to deal with the feeling of being 70 000 light years away from home and maybe never seeing our beloveds again and not knowing what happened to them. And perhaps our families and friends would never know what happened to us. But there was a “perhaps” and a “maybe”. Lauren doesn’t have a perhaps or a maybe. Her sister was dead and she would never see her again, but we had a little chance.

I still searched for the right words. Than I told her my love story about Justin and me. How I hid myself for weeks in my mother's house after my father and Justin died. How my sister and my mother helped me to get over it, to go on with my life. How I finaly came together with Mark found happiness and was able to love again. I was not entirely honest. I never loved Mark the way I had loved Justin Tighe. He was more of a good friend to me than a lover. He was there when I needed him. After a long time I was tired of being alone and decided to pursue a relationship with him.

Than I asked her about her parents. They had already lost one daughter. How much greater would their grief be if Voyager made it home without their other child?

It seemed my speech convinced her. She assured me she would no longer hurt herself and be a careful and  valuable officer again. I was relieved. There was only one thing to do.

“Change back to science blue. You have proved you are a good security officer. Voyager needs scientists  too and with your special knowledge you will help us to find sources of fuel and everything we need to bring Voyager home.”

III

 

Over the years the smile returned back to her face. Work was the best therapy for Lauren. She  began  to experiment  on  some minerals  she had discovered.   She wanted to make the hull of Voyager better  and replace it with a special alloy to resist any weapon attacks. It would be nice  not to hear in a battle “Hull breeches on several decks.”

 

I also spent a lot of time with her. I knew working was not enough for Lauren. She also needed some social contacts. She avoided any interaction with the former members of the Marquee. Indirectly she felt that they were responsible for the death of her sister. She never mentioned it but I sensed it in some ways. Although she was at the academy at the same time as Harry Kim, she never spoke with him more than necessary. When I asked Harry why they acted like strangers, he replied:

 

“She was our nerd. She lived only to finish the academy as soon as possible and come out first in the examinations.”

 

I asked her about this and her answer did not suprise me. After her little sister joined the Marquee the only way of keeping track of her was by staying in Starfleet. So after she earned her Masters in Geology she joined the Starfleet academy. And it took her only 18 months to finish it and  immediatly receive the rank of a Lieutenant JG.

 

“Tell me more about your sister? You must know I have a younger sister too.”

 

Lauren shared her memories with me and why she had such a strong bond with her sister. Anne saved her life. Lauren was four years old and was playing in her grandmother's garden when she fell into an old forgotten fountain and was trapped. Her sister, who was nearly two years younger than her, saw it and alerted their grandmother by taking her to the fountain where Lauren was trapped.  Anne had sensed something was wrong but was too young to express it. 

 

“She accepted the responsibility for me. And so I was responsible for her too. I owed her my life. So it was my duty to find her and to keep her safe. But I was too late. I failed.”

 

“Oh no, don’t think that Lauren.”

 

I tried to reassure her. Than I told her about the shuttle accident with Justin and my father. How I did not have enough energy left in the transporter to save them both and how despite this I tried it and lost them both. And how I castigated myself for years that I was not able to make a decision.

 

“You did your best, captain.”

 

“Yes, I know. After some time it was clear to me. But you Lauren, you also did your best. You did not fail.”

 

“I’m not certain.”

 

“Why Lauren, why? Don’t do the same as me. You must go on with your life and stop blaming yourself. You have to forgive yourself.”

 

“But there is more about Anne.” Lauren objected.

 

Lauren was always the good girl, the perfect daughter. Best at school, best in athletics, best at the university, even at the Starfleet academy. All the time straight and very ambitious. Anne was not like her. She was the free spirit of the Hamilton family. When she saw a rainbow she ran after it to find the pot of gold. When she had to study for school, instead she played guitar and wrote songs. Lauren believed Anne could no longer bear to stand in the  shadow of her sister. Was sick of hearing her parents tell her to use Lauren as an example, sick of not being the perfect one. Of course  Anne was perfect in her own way, she just didn't realise it.  Lauren knew it and so felt more responsible for Anne than before. One day Anne ran away, so quickly that she even forgot her guitar. Lauren followed Anne, with her guitar in her luggage.

 

Oh God. Lauren was in some ways so much like me and Anne was so much like my sister Phoebe. But our parents treated both of us the same way and gave us the freedom to discover ourselves and to make our own way. Suddenly I felt myself very close to her. Certainly, Lauren was too old to be my daughter. But if Justin were still alive? I wanted so much to bear his children. It never came into my mind to have children with Mark. He mentioned it sometimes, he wanted to raise a family. But I was too busy with my career. Yes, we were the perfect couple for our families and friends. The philosopher and Starfleer officer. But we never lived together. Perhaps we were not brave enough to see how it would be to share everyday life. It was more like a visit. We visited one another in our lives, always wearing our best face so everone would think we were the perfect couple. In the end we came to believe it too.

 

But with Justin, we had already made plans for our wedding and the arrangements of living together. Until...

 

“What are you thinking about captain?”

 

Good question. Should I be honest and share my thoughts with Lauren? No, not this time, it was too early. Evasive maneuver:

 

“Do you play the guitar also?”

 

“No. I don’t. But I was a member of  some choirs and sometimes I sang some solos at our performances.”

 

“Perhaps you should learn to play. I mean it will not bring Anne back but maybe you won't feel so lonely.”

 

“Music therapy as well as  work therapy?” Lauren smiled.

 

I let my mind wander. One morning after a night full of love and passion Justin woke me with a cup of coffee. We were on an hiking trip in the mountains and slept in a tent. Justin had forgotten to take along sugar and milk. And so I had to drink my coffee black. Ever since this trip I have always drunk my coffee black. A bittersweet little memory and all the time a silent homage to Justin.

 

“Think about it Lauren.... Oh it is late. I have to go.”

 

Lauren stood up too and accompanied me to the door. She embraced me shyly.

 

“Thank you captain. For listening to me. I wished my mother were so patient and symphatic with Anne in the past like you have been tonight with me.”

 

“It was a pleasure for me. If you need someone to talk. I will be there for you.”

 

‘Like for my children who I never had with Justin.’ I added in my mind.

 

 

IV

 

In the next time we spent a lot of time together. Mostly to discuss her findings and efforts in own to her work to protect Voyager’s hull. But we talked also about some private issues.  I looked at her guitar. The dust was gone. She followed my advice and started learning to play it. She saw the direction of my gaze. She smiled and took her guitar.

 

“I am still learning.”

 

She said a little bit embarrassed.  After a short intro she sang with her wonderful alto voice. I was fascinated and told her so.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Her look at me was like a child, grateful to do something right and get the approval. I knew I was a kind of mother figur for some members of my crew, like B’elanna and Harry. And sometimes I felt more than a mother than a captain. But I was certain this had more to do with it that we all grow closer to each other over the years. Forming a big family.

 

Then Voyager encountered species 8472 and the Borg. And Seven entered Voyager and my life. I was so busy with her that I did not  have  enough time to look after Lauren. But Seven needed me more than Lauren and Lauren’s healing was on the way. I was captivated by this woman from the first moment. It was very hard to find words to describe her. She meant a lot to me. I was her teacher, her mentor, her friend. Helped her to regain her humanity. In a short time I run with her thrue all phases of growing up. The first time she reacted like a child. Especially when she was in Voyagers brig. Also with wrap drive she went thrue her adolescence. Sometimes she really drives me grazy. Than Seven slowly  began to withdraw  from me. I was a little bit hurt. Beside I had developed a strong bond with her I also had a lot of maternal feelings for her.

 

 

It was at one of Neelix’s talent nights. Lauren sat alone in the middle of the impromptu stage in the messhall. She was playing guitar and singing “Summertime” by George Gershwin. After the first lines  another  voice ,  a soprano joined her. It was Seven. She came from behind and went beside Lauren.  Their  voices melted. It was incredible. The performance was perfect. They looked at each other and I never saw so much love between two people  as  between Lauren and Seven.

 

I don’t remember how the rest of the evening went. I saw only how Lauren took Seven's hand after they finished their song and shyly kissed her at the corner of her mouth.

 

This was too much for me, more than I could bear.  I could not stay and witness someone stealing  my Seven. Than I realised I was jealous like my parents when I introduced Justin to them. It was a part of Seven’s becoming human. Becoming independence from me, searching and finding another emotial bonds. I smiled about myself. In the end it made me happy. Lauren and Seven were the right choice for each other. I was happy for Seven, happy for Lauren.  No-one deserved it more than  these two women .

 

Two days later Seven came to my  quarters  . She was so cheerful and she wanted to thank me again and again for  encouraging her  to accept her humanity, to  explore it. Which finaly brought her together with Lauren. She could not stop talking. She told me everything. I believed she wanted me to be proud of her that she was taking the final lesson in humanity. To love and to be loved.

***

 

It all began with a  broken circuit. Seven went to a jeffries tube to replace it. At a crossing she met Lauren. Lauren was sitting on the floor with her guitar playing and singing.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“It's obvious, isn't it?”

 

Lauren continued her playing.

 

“The acoustics are fantastic in this place.”

 

Seven  was very surprised as most crewmembers tried to avoid her. She also knew that they referred to her as the “Ice queen”.  Except for me - her captain, Naomi Wildman and the Doctor, Seven did not interact with the crew.  Lauren did not  seem to care. She wanted to share this moment with Seven. Lauren was so different. Certainly Seven noticed  how Lauren looked at her. First with small amount of pain in her eyes. Seven assumed Lauren had lost someone of her famliy or her friends to the Borg at Wolf357. But this was not the case. Seven was in the same age like Lauren’s sister Anne. Later it was with a shy kind of desire. But not open.  Lauren seemed  embarrassed  about her gazes and tried to maintain a distance between herself and Seven. Seven was intrigued. She had no idea how to react and why Lauren  acted  so strangely sometimes.  

 

What Seven did not know,  and could not know, what was happen to Lauren’s sister. And that she reminded Lauren in some ways to her sister Anne. Especially when she reacted like a child or later like teenager. But over the time Lauren’s feelings toward Seven changed. Lauren had never been in a long-term relationship with a woman. But she did some sexuell expierences only with women. She was never interested in men. Her mind said to Lauren she is off limits.  She is so innocent and in some ways still a child. She has to grow up. But her heart was telling Lauren other things. How it would be to  spend  time with her, to talk  with  her about the universe, to learn from Seven. Discuss science problems with her and look her deep in  those  incredible blue eyes. Maybe take her mesh covered hand in her own hands to intensify the contact.

 

Slowly, she had to take it very slowy with Seven and be very patient with her. Give her enough time. Even Lauren did not know, if Seven would be interessted in a same sex relationship. From what she knew Seven had never been in a relationship. Lauren did not want a affair. She wanted the whole Seven. And the tall blonde  beauty  with her brilliant mind and her appearence like a virgin goddess from ancient times made it impossible for Lauren not to fall in love with her. And so Lauren used her chance and did the first step.

 

 

“Do you want to try it by yourself and sing with me?”

 

“What would you like to sing with me?”

 

Lauren gave Seven a padd. “Here are the notes and the lyrics, I start and you follow me.”

 

“Happy days are here again?”

 

“Yes a song from a movie “Chasing rainbows”, from the early 20th century. I thought this song  would suit  you. It is simple.”

 

Seven raised her eyebrow.

 

Lauren started to play and to sing.

 

Solong sad times

Go long bad time

We are rid of you at last

Howdy gay times

Cloudy gray times

You are now a thing of the past

 

Seven joinded her with the second verse.

 

Happy days are here again

The skies above are clear again

So let's sing a song of cheer again

Happy days are here again [1]

 

 

Lauren  forgott  to play. “You have a wonderful voice Seven, I never imagined you  could sing so perfectly .”

 

Seven blushed.

 

“You should sing at the next talent night. You  would  be a great success.”

 

Seven blushed again and was  a  little bit nervous.

 

“You have a beautiful voice too and you can play guitar. Why don’t you sing at the talent night also?”

 

“I am not really in the mood and and normaly I only play for myself.”

 

“But you should share your musical skills. You even made a start, you sang with me. I enjoyed it very much. Perhaps we should sing together at the talent night.”

 

They looked each other in the eyes and smiled.

 

“Okay, we have a deal.”

 

This was the beginning of the friendship between Lauren and Seven and soon it  would  be love. 

 

 

They spent all their sparetime together, to chose the song, to sing and to make the perfomance perfect. They grew closer with every date and with every singing session. Both women enjoyed this time. Seven could only be herself. Lauren did not try to change her, did not say to her don’t do this.  There were no rules, no laws.

 

I could understand Seven. Lauren was only two years older than her and also very intelligent. They had a lot of common interests. Music was only one of them. Lauren taught her how to read a book and not only to assimilate the words. Lauren did all the things with Seven which I had no time for or which my rank did not allow . Like playing with Naomi, Flotter and Travis or having a snowball fight and  sledging on the holodeck.

 

Than was the talent night. It was a kind of turning point in their relationship. Lauren kissed Seven after their performance.

 

Later in Lauren’s quarters they sat together and tried to calm down.They both were still very elated about their success. After a while Seven asked Lauren about the kiss.

 

“Why did you kiss me?”

 

Lauren was in trouble. She did not want to go so far. But she was so overwhelmed by the reaction of the audience to their performance she could not do otherwise. She told Seven this.

 

“This was your only reason?”

 

After some babbling Lauren admited: “And I wanted it.”

 

“Are you attracted to me Lauren?”

 

Seven could be so direct and innocent in the same moment. She took Laurens breath away.

 

“I am very attracted to you.”

 

“I sensed you have feelings for me. But I don’t understand why you have these feelings for me. You are such a beautiful woman and I ...”

 

Seven interupted her speech for some moments.

 

“Parts of me are still Borg and I do not have much experience at being human.”

 

This was too much for Lauren. How could she convey to Seven that she saw in her a human being, an attractive woman and not a machine. She took Seven’s hand and went with her to her bathroom, because she had a large mirror on the wall.

 

“Look in the mirror Seven. What do you see?”

 

“I see myself. A mixture of Borg und Human.”

 

“Okay, now I will tell you what I see.”

 

Lauren still held Seven’s hand but she finished the contact and went behind Seven. Her hands on Seven’s shoulders.

 

“I see a wonderful young woman who I have spent a lot of time with during the last weeks. We had a lot of fun together. We made music together, read books, visited the holodeck. In summary we did things together, which humans normally do. Parts of her are Borg, but I don’t care. I see only the woman who I fell deeper and deeper in love with every single moment we shared together.”

 

Seven pivoted to Lauren and looked her in the eyes. Then with her borg hand she touched Lauren’s check very carefully. As if she needed some affirmation. Lauren did not flinch. She grasped Seven’s hand in her own and guided it to her mouth. Her lips brushed gently over Seven’s mesh covered hand.

 

“Now, I understand. I see things clearly.” Seven’s voice trembled.

 

“The feelings you have awoken in me. At first  I thought it was just friendship but before I knew, it was so much more. But I was not able to find words for it. Then the kiss tonight. I could feel the warmth of your body and I realised I want and I need more than your friendship. I fell in love with you too.”

 

 

VI

 

The time goes by. We  were  still searching for a way back home, had to fight with the species of the delta quadrant but found also some good new friends.

 

Soon the sight of  Lauren and Seven together was  expected and all the world could see the mutual love and respect they shared for each other. Lauren worked still with her alloy for the hull of Voyager and Seven helped her. She recalibrated the sensors to find new raw materials. They were a good team not only in their relationship. I knew when I  assigned them both to a new project it would be successful and finished in a short time.

 

After two years the two women had a new project. A very personal project. Chakotay told it to me at one of our weekly dinners.

 

“Lauren and Seven have requested some additional space to their quarter.”

 

“Hmmm, since they married one year ago and Seven moved her alcove to Lauren’s quarter I believed we gave them enough space.”

 

“Lauren is pregnant.”

 

“What?”

 

“Lauren is pregnant.” Chakotay repeated.

 

“I get the point Chakotay. How so?”

 

“I mean its not like when Jesus was born and a star rose in the sky to celebrate the virgin birth. The Doctor helped them to do an ova melting.”

 

I was hurt. I believed Lauren and Seven were both my friends. Why they  didn't they  tell me about the pregnancy?

 

“You  didn't know ?”

 

“No. I did not.”

 

“Oh, I am very sorry. I believed you already  knew and they had asked me to keep it  a secret until they told you.”

 

I was still  hurt. But it made sense. Some time ago they invited me for dinner. But than there was a red alert and  during the following days we had to  battle with another hostile species and than do some repairs.

 

Soon the baby would be arriving and Seven was very nervous . Tom replicated some cigars for Seven. First Seven did not knew what to do with  them but then Tom explained it to her and she was very grateful for this gesture. Seven  stayed with Lauren all throughout this time so I relieved her from duty.

 

A couple of hours after Lauren gave birth to  her  and Seven’s child I visited them in sickbay. It  broke  my heart immediatly to see the three of them. Lauren in the bed with a little baby in her arms and Seven beside her. Her eyes  full  of love and tenderness for her wife and their little girl. One of the  most beautiful pictures I have ever seen.

 

“Captain. Please meet little Kathryn.”

 

Seven took the little girl and laid  her  in my arms. She was so fragile. Her eyes still closed and she had some sparse dark hairs on her head. Obvious Lauren genes dominated but than she opened her eyes and it seemed I looked in the eyes of Seven.

 

“You did a lot for us. So we decided to call her Kathryn and we wanted to ask you if you want to be her god-mother.” Lauren said.

 

I was honored and I vowed to myself again to bring Voyager home as soon and as safe as possible.

 

Laughter and happiness filled Voyager in the next years despite our difficulties with getting home and the constant battles with some hostile species.

 

B’elanna gave birth to Miral and in the end Jennifer Delanay and Harry Kim found each other and Jennifer was also pregnant.

 

The three couples and  Sam Wildman grew  closer. They shared their time taking care of our new crewmembers. Naomi was also very happy. She was completly involved in looking after the three babies and spent a great deal of her time with them. One day she visited me in my ready room. She asked me to release her from her assigment as bridge assistant. She wanted to become a nursery teacher.

 

I had to smile and I realized the happiness of Seven, Lauren, little Kathryn and the other couples and their children had enlighted not just me but the whole crew as well. I was the proud matriarch of a big lucky family.

 

But nothing is forever.

 

Lauren made good efforts with her research for a new hull alloy to protect Voyager. She wanted to test it first with a shuttle. She prepared the shuttle with the alloy and on a uninhabitted planet she placed a phaser cannon. Voyager orbited the planet from a safe distance.

 

Seven piloted the shuttle from the bridge with a remote control and Lauren also using remote control,  fired  the  phaser cannon at the shuttle. The effect was incredible. The new hull did not only resist the fire it also reflected the phaser beams. The phaser cannon on the planet was destroyed.

 

Lauren, Seven and B’elana examined the shuttle after the test. No damage had been done, only some markings where the phaser hit the hull.

 

I decided to throw a party on the holodeck to celebrate the success of Lauren and Seven. In the near future we were able to save energy for the shields and use it for the propulsion. We would no longer need our phasers and photon topedos in upcoming battles. With the new hull Voyager was more than safe. The only problem was we did not have enough raw material to cover the whole ship. But I believed on our way home we would find new sources, despite the fact that the mineral which Lauren used was extremly rare.

 

It was a complicated and long process to change hull panels with the new ones. So it did not matter whether we had enough material or not at the moment. First we must protect the propulsion system and all sytems which were needed in battle.

 

But for now it was party time. I did not know it then but this would be the last when I saw Seven happy.

 

 

Two days later Seven found a planetoid with the required minerals. The atmosphere of the planetoid was extrem toxic. The away team had to wear special space-suits. Lauren was so excited about Seven’s findings she could not wait to go the planet side and dig the material. I decided to go with her.

 

Only one moment she was not attentive and her suit ripped open by a falling rock. We beamed her immediatly to sickbay. But is was too late. The poison already affected her vital functions. The doctor could not do anything for her. Only give her some painkillers and he called Seven and me. As I arrived in sickbay Seven was already on Lauren’s side. She hold her hand, her voice was breaking. I observed them from some discrete distance.

 

“Please don’t go. I need you, our baby needs you.”

 

Lauren was to weak to do anything. Her voice a whisper.

 

“Kathryn.”

 

I knew she did not mean me. I went to their quarter to collect Kathryn. She was nearly two years old now. First she was not very amused that I wake her. But on my way back to the sickbay she fell asleep in my arms again.

 

Lauren smiled as I brought Kathryn to her. With her last power she tried to straighten up than she touched Kathryns cheek and said to her: “Take good care of your mommie. I love her more than everything.”

 

Some tears came from her eyes.

 

“I am so sorry Annika.”

 

Than she was gone.

 

Seven still held Lauren’s hand. Her face was bare of all emotions. Obvious she could not believe Lauren’s death. I went with Kathryn away. Befor I entered with her the turbolift I heard Seven screaming.

 

Later the Doctor reported me he had to sedate Seven with a hypospray. She did not want to let Lauren go. She clung on Lauren’s corps, tried to eject her nano probes, to make her alive. But it was futile. It deeply hurted me to hear of Seven’s condition and her pain.

 

Seven was a wreck, totally devasted. B’elanna and Sam took care of little Kathryn. Kathryn did not know what was going on. For her it was not unusually to spent time with the two women and their children. So she did not miss Lauren or Seven. But after three days she was very unsettled. I went to Seven’s quarter. The first time I got all the time the same answer: “Go away, I need to be alone.” But this time I did not let myself to push away. I overwrite the security code.

 

Seven laid on the bed, her eyes still red from crying. She held a padd in her hands. It contained a message from Lauren. Wordless she gave it to me. I played it. Lauren appeared.

 

“Annika, my love, thank you for everything. I never told you the entire story about me and my sister Anne. I never told you that she is dead.  I loved her how much a sister can love her sister. After her death I believed I would never be able to live again and to feel deep emotions for another person. But than you entered my life and changed it. I fell in love with you and you reciprocated my feelings. This was the best time of my life and I am very proud to have shared this time with you. You and loving you was the best thing what ever happen to me. And than there is Kathryn, the wonder of wonder, the child of our love, the best of us...”

 

Lauren had some problems to continue. Obvious she recorded this message in case of her death and she had not enough time to tell Seven all the things she wanted.

 

“Annika. I know you will devasted. But you have to go on with your life. Do it for me, do it for Kathryn. I love you so much Annika. But if you find someone to share your life, who loves you and who you can love in return don’t hestitate. Love is a too precious thing to be wasted.”

 

Lauren vanished from the screen. I was nearly crying.

 

“There is also a message for you captain.”

 

Seven gave me another padd.

 

“Captain.” Lauren begann. She thanked me for everything, especially to make her live again.  And than her last sentence.

 

 “I know you love Seven. Please take good care of her and Kathryn.”

 

VII

 

 

Seven sang “Amazing Grace” at the funeral.  Singing brought them together and now this was her last way to say “Good bye”. Seven made us all crying. Even Tuvok who held little Kathryn in his arms during the ceremony did not hide his emotions behind his stoic vulcan face.

 

After we gave Lauren’s corps into space. Seven spent hours in silence in my ready room to look after the coffin. I stood beside her and took her in an embrace. I had no idea how long we shared this connection. I wished I could burden Seven’s pain. Than a whisper: “Unbreak my heart.”

 

I did not know in this moment what Seven meant with it. Later much later I learned it.

 

The hallway of Voyagers seemed much emptier than before and the laughter was gone. Every crewmember seemed affected by Seven’s lost. Perhaps we all was witnesses to Lauren’s and Seven’s love. First we watched them both singing together, than the wedding, Lauren’s pregnacy, how the both women raised Kathryn. And than the last act.

 

Seven recovered slowly. The things seemed normal but it was far from them. She continued with Lauren’s work to protect Voyager’s hull. And than there was Kathryn. She spent all her time with her daughter and gave her all her love. Sometimes I had the feeling Seven was over protective of Kathryn and clung too much on her. The grief was still in Seven’s face, only when she was together with Kathryn she smiled. It was a very sad smile. And that Kathryn looked every day more like Lauren did not make it easier for Seven.

 

Kathryn was too young to understand that her mother was dead and would never come back. She knew something was missing but she had not enough memories to realise which special part was missing in her life. But she went over it sooner than Seven.

 

One evening I went to their quarter. I wanted to talk with Seven about some ship business. Seven did not allow me entrance. I heard a soft crying and than the sound of a guitar and Seven’s voice.

 

 

Don't leave me in all this pain

Don't leave me out in the rain

Come back and bring back my smile

Come and take these tears away

I need your arms to hold me now

The nights are so unkind

Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

 

I did not need to hear more. Seven was still in deep mourning. And I was afraid, afraid that Seven did something to herself. For the second time I overwrote the security code. Seven sat on the couch this time. She held the guitar, Lauren’s guitar, close to her body like a lover and touched the strings like a caress. She did not noticed me and continued playing and singing.

 

Un-break my heart

Say you'll love me again

Undo this hurt you caused

When you walked out the door

And walked outta my life

Un-cry these tears

I cried so many nights

Un-break my heart

My heart [2]

 

”Seven, are you alright?”

 

Seven seemed to recognize me. She laid the guitar beside her and stood up. What she now did surprised me completly.

 

“Lauren, you come back to me. My love.”

 

She fell in my arms and kissed me. I’ve tried to finish the embrance. But Seven was so much stronger than me and so desperatly. She kissed me over and over again.

 

“Seven!”

 

“It’s Annika, remember.” I never heard her to speak so softly.

 

“Seven, stop it. It is me, Kathryn Janeway, your captain.”

 

Suddenly Seven was aware of me. She burst out in tears. She fell to the floor and curled up in a fetal position. I was so helpless. I looked around in the room. Kathryn was not here. Candels and roses there distributed in the whole place. On the table stood a bottle of champagne and two champagne flutes. Seven wore a white silk robe. I must disturbed Seven in a very private ceremony. Than I remind me. Four years ago there was the talent night. The night when Seven and Lauren deeply fell in love with each other. Oh god, what I had done? I kneeled beside Seven and stroke softly her cheek.

 

“Come on Seven. Go to bed and try to get some rest”

 

I went with her to the bedroom, helped out of  her robe. Underneath she wore an old Starfleet academy t-shirt, Lauren’s shirt. I tug her in. She was very grateful.

 

“Kathryn stays with Miral tonight.” Seven explained.

 

“I see. Can I do something for you? I am very sorry that I disturbed you.”

 

“Would you do me a favour captain?”

 

“Everything Seven, you know it.”

“Please, stay with me tonight and sleep with me. I cannot be alone tonight I don’t know what will be happen.”

 

I gave them some thoughts. If it was appropriate or not to sleep with Seven in one bed. How it would affected us to share such closeness. But I could never resist Seven’s pleas and so I did it.

 

Soon after we climbed to bed Seven was asleep. I could not find sleep so easily and I watched over Seven. Her features and her body relaxed. She still looked vulnerable but the pain was gone and she was so beautieful in her sleep. It ached to watch her.

 

Next morning I woke up alone. Seven cleaned the quarter and put the remains away. Than she made breakfast.

 

“Kathryn will arrive soon.”

 

Some minutes later B’elanna chimed at the door. Dark circles under her eyes but with a very happy little Kathryn in her arms.

 

“Next time you will look after Miral and Kathryn. The both had only mischief in their little brains. In the middle of the night they decided it would be a good idea to have some icecream and they wake me up to go with them to the messhall.”

 

Seven smiled. But not one of her sad smiles. It was more relaxed.

 

Seven, Kathryn and me had breakfast together. It was very nice. Little Kathryn was babbling all the time about her night with Miral, the adventures they shared. Sometimes she used some klingon words and made us all laugh.

 

After this night and this morning Seven included me more and more in her spare time activities with Kathryn and her education. I was happy about it to be really a god-mother for Kathryn. I chocked since Naomi finished her duty as my bridge assistant there was a vacant officer position.

 

Laughter begun to fill Voyager again. Especially since Seven and B’elanna finished the work with bringing the new alloy, Lauren’s inventation, to all part of Voyagers hull.

 

Life was easy doing again. More couples found each other. More children were born. B’elanna was pregnant with her second child. I enjoyed my time with Seven and Kathryn. Bring her to bed was one of my biggest joys. I told her fairytales, irish fairytales. Seven sang her lullubays. One evening I stood in the doorframe and watched Seven how she played the guitar and sang a song for Kathryn. It was “Summertime”.

 

Summertime and the livin' is easy

Fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high

Oh your daddy's rich and your ma is good lookin'

So hush little baby, don't you cry

One of these mornings

You're goin' to rise up singing

Then you'll spread your wings

And you'll take the sky

But till that morning

There's a nothin' can harm you

With daddy and mammy standin' by [3]

 

It was a good sign to hear Seven sing this song without bursting out in tears.  It held still a deeper meaning for her. It was Seven’s and Lauren’s song. As if they knew soon it would be a lullubay for their daughter.

 

“The song is wrong.” Kathryn complained.

 

“It must be: With captain and mammy standing by.”

 

Seven gazed at me. A single tear strolled over her cheek. Than she kissed softly Kathryn’s forhead.

 

“Sleep tight my angel. Next time I will  sing it how you like it.”

 

In this moment I started aching loving Seven. I knew I loved her before. But I believed it was more a kind of  love between friends. But now my feelings changed completly. I loved her like a mother loved her child. The same way Seven loved Kathryn. My heart was full up with compassion to her. I wanted to burden her pain on my shoulders, more than ever before. I wanted to take her in my arms, hold her tight and whisper:

 

‘It’s alright Seven. Everything will be alright. I am here for you. Cry if you like, I will bear it.’

 

But nothing would be okay. It would be a white lie. The only one who would make Seven happy again was Lauren. Seven’s first love and also her last love. And I reminded me on Justin. My first love. I knew to well what Seven was feeling. And I also knew to well no-one were able to take the pain away. Wounds are healing, but never completly. I could only fullfill Lauren’s last wish:

 

“Take good care of Seven and Kathryn.”

 

Than Harry found this wormhole. It was dangerous, it was unsteady but with Lauren’s hull allloy we make it thrue it without any damage. In the end Lauren brought us home. Yesterday still in the delta-quadrant and one day later: “Welcome back to the alpha.”

 

IIX

 

I finished my story. Deanna had listen to me the entire time very careful.

 

“And now Kathryn Janeway?”

 

“What now? I don’t know what you mean.”

 

“I mean you are back on earth since a one year. What’s happen in this time? What’s not written in the official logs.”

 

‘You have no idea.’ I thought to myself. But beside I had make a completly strip of my soul. Why I should not tell her the rest? So I told her.

 

Lauren’s parents came when the crew of the Voyager embarked. They looked for Seven and their grand-daughter. It was heartbreaking. The silent communication between them. So much pain and so much joy. Tears and smiles at the same time. Seven decided to stay with them. She believed she had to do it. To see to go her away ripped my heart out. My life was so empty without her, without Kathryn. I hide myself at my mothers farm.

 

During the Dominion war my mother went to San Francisco to lecture Mathematics at the Starfleet Academy. The academy was in this time in a desperatly need for teachers. The most teachers did duty on Starfleet vessel to protect the federation. And so my mother decided to help and to teach at Starfleet academy. Still every inch a Starfleet admiral wife. After the Dominion war she continued to stay and to teach. So I had her farm for me alone.

 

After two months Seven arrived with Kathryn in my mothers house in Indiana.

 

“Kathryn missed you.” She stated simply and a little bit later.

 

“And I missed you too.”

 

Like on Voyager we renewed our life together. Raising Kathryn and running my mother’s farm. Neither of us had the need to go back to space. We enjoyed this simple life, growing and eating our own vegetables and fruits, hiking in the nature, swimming in the little lake near my mothers house. After bringing Kathryn to bed we spent our evenings with reading or listen to music. Sometimes old friends from Voyager visited us. They believed Seven and I were a couple. But it was not true. It only seemed so.

 

We adored and appreciated each other.  I did everything in my power to make and to keep Seven happy. Very often Seven held my hand and searched the comfort of my body. Especially in her sleepness nights. She came to my bedroom and asked me to sleep with her. I cuddled with her,  stroke gently her back to make her sleepy. Than I placed a some chaste kisses on her forehead.

 

“I love you Seven, sleep well, I will be there for you.”

 

“I  love you too captain. Thanks for everything.”

 

She kissed my temple and buried her face in my neck. She woke me up in the middle of the night, crying and screaming for Lauren. I tried to soothe her, held her close. But it was futile. Instead Seven started to kiss me like in the night when I found her completly in deep mourning. But this time Seven did not recognised me or did not wanted to recognise me. And so I let it happen. Make love to Seven and to be loved by Seven. I knew it was wrong and it had to stop but deep in my soul I pretended it were Justin who loved me and not Seven.

 

The next morning Seven and Kathryn were gone. I found a note beside the coffeemaker in the kitchen.

 

“I betrayed Lauren with you. I will never be able to look in your eyes again. Thanks for your kindness and your friendship but I have to move on with my life.”

 

They went back to Lauren’s parents. But Seven never moved on with her life. B’elanna and Tom visited her sometimes. What they reported me hurted me so much. Seven lived in a kind of Lauren-Hamilton-Memorial. She dwelled in Lauren’s and Kathryn in Anne’s old room in the house of Lauren’s parents. She wore Lauren’s old clothes and there was only three things in her live: Kathryn, playing guitar and listening to the storys about Lauren and Anne by their parents.

 

I tried to meet her, wrote messages over messages. But I got all the time the same answer:

 

“Please captain, let me alone.”

 

One day Lauren’s parents contacted me. They beged me to finish writting messages to Seven. Everytime when Seven got one of them it started all over again. Crying and screaming for Lauren. She did not eat, she did not rest. All the time pleading Lauren for forgiveness. She did not leave her rooms for days, only crying and playing guitar und singing, everytime the same song. “Un-break my heart.” But worst of all she made with her behavier Kathryn also crying and drove her crazy. It exhausted me so much to hear this things and I felt so guilty. So I finished any contact to Seven and Kathryn. Perhaps it would be better and perhaps sometime Seven would try to reach me and I would be there for her and Kathryn.

 

 

“And now Kathryn Janeway?”

 

Deanna asked me still the same question. But I know now my course of action. After I told her my story and reflected the events.

 

“I need my job back.”

 

25 years later

 

“I knew it would be a fault to tell Admiral Paris you are okay and able to work with Starfleet again. Kathryn Janeway.”

 

A now grey haired Deanna Troi visited me at the shipyards of Utopia Planetia. I had no idea why she knew I would be here. Exactly at the moment when I was stealing a new experimental time travel ship.

 

‘You have no idea Deanna Troi.’ I thought to myself. ‘Have you any idea how Seven was devasted when Kathryn decided to join the Starfleet academy. How she tried her not to do so? How she forced Kathryn  to make a choice between Starfleet and her? That she did not spoke with Kathryn when she was at the academy. That it costed a lot of power and manipulation that Seven went to the celebration, when the cadets finished the academy, to make peace with Kathryn? Have you any idea Deanna Troi, what was happen in the moment, when Seven saw Kathryn for the first time in a science blue Starfleet uniform, with insigna of a lieutenand? Achingly looking like Lauren? And how Seven run to her and said only: “Lauren.” And have you any idea how happy Seven looked in this moment and how she screamed after she realised it was Kathryn and not Lauren. Do you know Deanna Troi we had to put her in psychiatric clinic and she never recovered? You know nothing Deanna Troi!’

 

“Un-break my heart.” I whispered.

 

“What did you say?”

 

“Nothing. I said nothing.” It was Seven heartbreaking request that night when I found her alone in her quarter and celebrating the special day when she and Lauren fell in love with each other. But Deanna had not to know this.

 

“You will die Admiral Janeway. This vessel is still under construction. We don’t know nothing about the side effects at the moment.”

 

“I don’t care about it. I have nothing to loose.”

 

“Oh my god. You love her that much? You are willing to give your life for her hapiness?”

 

“Love is a too precious thing to be wasted.” I repeated Lauren’s words.

 

Than I entered the vessel. I knew Deanna would not try to stop me and if she did so I would not hestitate one moment to sedate her with a phaser. The only problem was to arrive just in time.

 

But I had enough time in the past 25 years to calculate my arrival exactly and to look for the technologie to travel back in time. One thing made me trouble: I did not want to violate the timeline too much. The only solution was a body and mind melting with Captain Kathryn Janeway. I found an ancient myth by the Trill. How to do so. I did my preparations, programmed a course and did meditations. After that I lost my consciousness.

 

I awoke in Voyagers sickbay. Seven, Lauren and the Doctor surrounding me. I still wore a space-suit. Than I remind: I saw the falling rock and took Lauren away instead of Lauren the rock hit me and ripped my suit open.

 

I know also the end of the story. I had only a couple of minutes befor everything ends for me. And I was so unbelieveable happy, seeing Seven and Lauren together. I smiled. With my last power I said:

 

“Give Kathryn a kiss from me and say to her she’d take good care of her mommies.”

 

The Doctor wanted to give me some painkillers. But I stoped him. I needed to live this last moment without drugs. I wanted to enjoy it until my breath went away. And so I watched Seven and Lauren embracing each other and than holding my hand. My last thought was: ‘I would gladly do it again and again only to see this love and this happiness between Lauren and Seven. It was it worth. My love, my life for Seven of Nine, I corrected myself - for Annika Hansson-Hamilton.

 

Than I saw a bright light and I heard a voice: “Katie, I waited so long for you.”

 

It was Justin’s voice.

 

 

[1] Copyrighted in 1929 by Milton Ager (music) and Jack Yellen (lyrics). The song was recorded by Leo Reisman and His Orchestra, with Lou Levin, vocal (November 1929), and was used in the 1930 film Chasing Rainbows.

 

[2] Toni Braxton, 1997, Album “Secrets”

 

[3] “Porgy and Bess”, 1935, by George (music) and Ira (lyrics) Gershwin