Truth or Dare

"Captain's Log, Stardate 58745.45

"We're travelling through a particularly quiet part of the Delta Quadrant just now, but it's given the crew some time to relax and get all those little things accomplished that they don't have time for when saving the Galaxy from Species 8472, or repulsing another Borg attack, or whatever. To that end, Commander Chakotay has taken a few days off to redecorate his quarters and I'm doing a few nightshifts to help cover his absence. Not that I mind; I can do my work without Kim's eager beaver inanities in one ear or Paris' macho posturing in the other."

In the dim light of the "night" the Captain sat back in her chair and looked dreamily out into the starfield displayed on the viewscreen. She then pressed a button on the arm of the chair and settled down for another episode of Dynasty.

***

Alexis had just hit Krystle with the standard lamp, sending a shoulder pad flying across the gold lamé sofa, when Janeway's comm badge burbled.

"Paris to the Captain," came the helm officer's voice.

Kathryn tilted her head and said to the ceiling, "Janeway here."

"Thrrrrrrrrrp," raspberried Paris in reply. There was some muffled laughter and then the comm went dead.

Janeway sat in stunned silence.

She recovered her composure (much like Krystle on the viewscreen, who was now attempting to kill Alexis with the aforementioned shoulder pad by stuffing it up her archenemy's left nostril) and once again spoke to the ceiling, "Janeway to Paris"

There was no reply.

"Computer, where is Lieutenant Paris?"

"Lieutenant Paris is in Commander Chakotay's quarters," replied the clipped tones of the computer.

Janeway got to her feet and looked around to see who could take over the bridge in her absence. The various crewmembers busied themselves at their posts. Damn, she thought, I've no idea who any of these people are. There was a black one, a Hispanic one, an oriental and a pygmy. For fun she chose the pygmy.

"You, whoever you are" she commanded.

"Ensign Intawe," the pygmy replied.

"You have the bridge. I'll be in my Ready Room." With this the Captain strode off the Bridge.

Seconds later she stormed back on again. "Damn!" cursed Janeway, "I get so used to saying that. I meant I'll be on Deck Three." And she exited again, this time on the other side of the Bridge.

After a short wait to make certain the Captain wasn't about to come back, Ensign Intawe went up to the Captain's chair. After a few seconds' thought she hooked one leg up onto the chair and with some effort hauled herself on. Her legs dangled a few inches above the floor. She pressed one of the controls on the arm of the chair and clutched the sides as it started to vibrate. She pressed another and the vibrations stopped as the drinks cabinet rose up from its compartment on the floor and offered Intawe a drink. The push of a third button and the viewscreen abruptly flipped from Alexis and Krystle wrestling in cake mix to a CCTV-camera style shot of Chakotay having a shower. Intawe smiled and settled into the chair, taking a sip from her vodka martini.

***

The empty Arellian whisky bottle spun around on the floor, slowing down until it stopped, the thin end pointing at Seven.

"Ahahaha," cackled Kim, drunk. "It's Seven, it's Seven!"

She raised an optical implant in disdain, uttering, "I will have a dare."

Aside from Kim's giggles, there was silence as the others in the room attempted to come up with a suitable task for Seven to perform.

B'Elanna stroked her beard in contemplation (her facial hair follicles having been overstimulated fifteen minutes earlier), and watched as Chakotay tried to force down his 87th pork pie without revisiting the previous 86. She looked at the remaining 13 and faintly pitied poor Chak.

Kim downed his twelfth margarita and staggered over to the replicator to order some more. The others in the room, bar Seven, stifled laughter as they saw his lavender dyed buttocks again, as they peeked through the holes cut in his uniform trousers.

Chakotay belched, and cradled his distended stomach, before reaching for another pie.

"Computer, what time is it?" asked Paris.

"Oh-one hours and 37minutes," replied Mrs. Roddenberry.

"You can't take the carrots out for another 23 minutes," grinned B'Elanna, as Paris shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Well, at least I won't be shaving every five minutes for most of next week," he retorted. B'Elanna frowned, and started to plait the beard so that it didn't get in the way.

Kim swivelled around from the replicator sending much of his margarita sloshing onto the floor and looked at Seven with what he thought was an evil glare, though in truth it was more of a stupid squint. Seven looked at him and sighed.

"I know what Seven has to do." he cackled, "I dare her to seduce the Captain!"

Chakotay snorted pie across the room and Paris and B'Elanna fell about laughing, though Kim's moment was spoiled somewhat when he tried to take a sip of margarita and pushed the paper umbrella up his nose.

Seven sighed, and said, "A predictable assignment. Nevertheless, it does pose somewhat of a challenge." The ends of her lips tugged upwards in a semi-smirk. "I accept."

***

Janeway strode along the corridor of Deck Three. Heading for Commander Chakotay's quarters. Neelix met her on her way. He was carrying a bottle of wine and a length of leola root, and seemed a little unsettled when he saw the Captain.

"Why, er, Captain! I, er, didn't expect to meet you, uh…"

"I'm on my way to visit Mr. Paris. What are the wine and root in aid of?"

"Oh, I'm just going for a quick sh…, er, late snack with Lieutenant Tuvok."

Janeway blinked a few times.

"It's purely platonic, of course," said Neelix, hastily trying to cover his tracks.

"I wouldn't dream of suggesting otherwise," Janeway said, a little stunned.

"Well, I've made my appearance in this episode, so why don't I just go now, and I'll see you for five minutes in the mess hall in next week's episode to make a funny comment about B'Elanna's hair."

With this the Talaxian scurried away.

Shaking her head, Janeway carried on, and stopped outside Chakotay's quarters.

She paused, and took a moment to try to think what on Earth the leola root was for.

***

The door chime burbled, and the drunken officers froze, Chakotay spitting out some pie crumbs.

The chime burbled a second time, and the First Officer said, "Come", to Kim's predictable giggle. There was a tearing sound as Chakotay stood up, and his uniform burst at the seams. Kim fell over laughing and spilled his Margarita down his uniform, his lavender buttocks showing as he waved his legs in the air. B'Elanna also tried to stand, but tripped on her beard, and was thrown to the floor. Paris stayed seated, and slugged some more of his Scotch. Finally, Seven stood, and pressed some clips on her uniform. It pooled to the floor and she stood in all her naked blonde Swedish glory, perfectly groomed hair, perfectly proportioned body and with perfectly erect nipples.

With a hydraulic swoosh the doors parted, and Janeway strode through the opening...

To be continued...