Clueless

"Captain?"

"It's nothing." Janeway waved a hand towards Chakotay. She cursed herself for becoming distracted while sitting in the big chair. Some days it hardly mattered how distracted one became. It's not like being focused got them home any quicker. "Take the bridge. I'll be in my quarters."

"Yes Ma'am."

Janeway moved off the bridge, making a point of passing by her staff as she did so, touching them on the shoulder, or smiling or nodding at their efforts. It was a casual touch but in no way intimate. She trusted them to do their jobs. It never hurt to acknowledge that.

She made it to her quarters before her hands began to shake.

Oh god. Some days, more than others. Some days, the pain just starts and never lets up. When the long stretches of nothing much turn into weeks and the reality of distance sits heavy in her mind, it's almost easier to be "The Captain" and find things to occupy the troops. It was her job to be the strong one. It was easy. But some days. . .

"Computer, lights 50%"

In the shadows, her eyes covered by a thin wrist, Janeway lay back on her couch and listened to the air vent whisper and waited. It didn't take long.

The doorbell chimed.

"Come in, Seven"

"Captain."

"Sit down."

One thing Janeway appreciated about Seven, was the borg's ability to wait. She felt the couch depress near her head as Seven sat. It was almost a luxury to be able to continue listening to the air vents hiss, and not have to worry about making small talk. She waited until it felt right to talk.

"I miss her, Seven."

"She may return."

"But not as she was."

"No."

The borg was still an amateur at subtlety, another thing Janeway liked. Confiding in Seven was an easy thing to do. She would always judge Janeway in her logical, methodical manner. The captain would receive no comfort, no words of empathy because Seven perceived no need for them. Yet, she was not without affection. Janeway was certain that this affection drew Seven to her. She had come to rely on it.

"I was foolish to get that close to her. I asked her aboard, kept her safe, and grew close. Too close."

"There is a point at which close becomes too close?"

"There is. Sometimes you can feel it only when they leave. It rips a hole in you, Seven. It hurts, and it takes a long time to mend. Damn."

"You have the whole crew. They are all under your care. I have seen you mourn. I'd assumed it was the same."

"It isn't. She's alive, somewhere. She chose to leave. I let her go."

"I see."

Seven moved on the couch, shifting her weight. Her hand brushed against Janeway's hair, and stayed there.

"Seven?" Janeway lifted her arm and looked up at Seven.

"Sorry Captain." Seven's hand returned to her lap.

"Oh. OK."

The captain rubbed both temples, and screwed her eyes up hard.

"I mean, some days, I still run through all those 'what ifs' , as if it would do any good. I know I shouldn't have asked her back here, been so damned accessible, been the kind and caring type and taken advantage of the need she showed. It was an advantage, Seven. We both needed that kind of closeness. But I didn't know I was giving up so much. Not until she left, anyway."

Seven remained very still.

"I mean, was I that stupid? What was stopping me seeing how crazy that was? What an insane idea, that I could think of being so caught up that I failed to take into account the consequences of her leaving, and just how much it would hurt. Seven?"

".yes."

"I tell you right now, that's the last time I do that again. I mean really, how can I run the ship and concentrate on getting us all home in one piece if I'm too busy pining over lovers? Yep, it's far safer to stay away from all that business. Just be friends. Yeah, that works. Don't you think?"

Seven stood and walked over to the window, her back to the captain. She looked out and watched the star lines stream past. Her metallic tipped fingers tapped against her thigh. When she eventually spoke, her voice sounded soft and with an uncertain tone.

"Is it her you miss? Or the closeness?"

"Seven! Of course it's her. I can get close again if I wish. I choose not to."

"Then you are being foolish."

"Exactly. Glad you agree with me. Thank you Seven. Y'know, I really appreciate this. . . hang on. Did you mean. . .?"

Seven turned and walked towards the door. "Goodnight Captain. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Seven! Wait! Did I just miss something?" Janeway sat up and brushed her hair away from her face.

"You miss Kes, Captain. Remember?"

Janeway watched the borg leave, and the door slide shut after her. Yeah. Damn I miss her. It would be so nice just to have someone to talk to, to be myself and not be the captain for a while. To confide in and just relax around.

"Goodnight Seven," she said.

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