"Kathryn Janeway personal log: Today was another rough day. Unfortunately it looks as if they will continue to be progressively more difficult. This weight on my shoulders grows heavier and heavier each passing moment. As long as we stay in this damned Delta Quadrant, no matter how much closer we get to home, it still isn't home."
"Home..."
She sighed in disgust.
"Hell! Who am I kidding? It's not our location. It's..."
"Maybe if... no *when* we come home, I'll have a better chance... I'll be free, maybe I can find some... peace."
"I ache."
Wrapping her arms around herself in an attempt to keep from flying apart, she gazed into space.
"I look out my window and see the passage of stars... they mock me. No matter how far we travel I stand still. I stand still in this silence, while my ears pound with the slow agonizing of my heart beat."
"I feel old."
"My pain is always screaming a taunting sing-song rhyme of my endless age, as each of those distorted beams of light slip by. I've grown to despise those lights."
"God!!"
She purposely pounded her fists on the work station console in her quarters, knowing that the physical pain would bring some relief from the excruciating emotional seething that was drilling its way through her chest.
"This has to stop. *I* have to stop this. Six years without intimate human contact..."
Shivering, she folded her arms around her shoulders in another self hug.
"It makes me feel... I feel weak, out of control, afraid. Something is chasing me, relentlessly pursuing me. I know what it is so I don't turn around to look because I know it will engulf me in such darkness that I won't be able to overcome it again."
Tears rolled down her cheeks, as the ritual sobbing began convulsing her body, helpless to resist.
"This has been my therapy for two years now," she sobbed into the shadows, with only lifeless circuitry to listen and record her misery.
"Let it crush me, cry in my secret perdition, and then pick up the pieces again to scratch and battle through another meaningless day, only to do it all over the next and the next and the next."
Pausing for a long moment, she braced herself against the crushing weight that threatened to implode what was left of her will.
"I'm tired... tired of the fighting, tired of the emptiness, tired of the numbness in my soul. I can't do this anymore. I can't. I just can't. I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me."
"Seven of Nine to the bridge."
"Go ahead Seven," Janeway schooled her voice to keep an even tone.
"Captain, I require your presence in Astrometrics."
"Acknowledged."
Sighing, she looked at her first officer. "Chakotay, take care of that for me, will you? I have some things to attend to in my ready room."
Smugly curling his lips with a cocky grin, "All right Captain. But Seven is going to be surprised to see me instead of you."
"She'll adapt," smiling dimly. "We all have to sooner or later."
He thought her response was somewhat cryptic but let it slide and headed to Astrometrics, secretly pleased that the captain wasn't spending as much time with the ex-borg as she use to, giving that extra time toward her own personal pursuits or ships business. His opinion was that it was past time for Seven to become more independent and cutting the captain's apron strings was the first step.
"Captain Janeway personal log: Everywhere I turn she seems to be there, lovely, helpful, concerned for my well being. Perfect. I'm holding on by the barest of threads as it is. I really don't need this. Why the hell did I have to start feeling this way for one of my crew? It's just unacceptable."
"My, my... I'm even starting to talk like her."
"It's because I'm weak. Something's chasing me again. And again, I know what it is but still am afraid to turn around and look because I *want* to let it catch me. But I can't."
"My thoughts are filled with her. Images of her haunt my mind, my dreams, my day dreams."
"Ha!" She mocked herself in exasperation.
"Daydreams. What are those again? How rich! When I do dream it is of her sky-blue eyes and full lips, touched with a gentle sweet smile. I want her. I need her. God help me but I... No, no, nooo!"
She huffed in surrender, leaning forward, clasping her hands together and resting her elbows on her knees.
"I avoided her all day today. If I don't, I spend half the day on fire. As captain I don't have the luxury of carrying on a relationship. A captain must stay apart from her crew, stay unbiased to maintain good judgment."
Shaking her head, becoming bitter with self-contempt, "Ahhh yes, good judgment. I think I've already torpedoed that one into oblivion where she's concerned. Endangering this ship and its crew by plunging into the bowels of Borg space to save a single individual, would hardly be called good judgment. Like a clown I put on a show, wearing my best captain's mask and trying to convince myself and everyone around me that she's just another crew member. She's not. She's the breath in this miserable body, the mystery that quenches my mind, the only soul in all the empty vacuum of space that can keep my agony from drowning me in cold duranium."
"My pain is real."
"I'm crying inside and nobody knows it but me."
Seven of Nine strode proudly onto the bridge, headed for the captain's inner sanctum. Pressing the door chime, she waited for admittance.
A muffled, "Come," penetrated the thickness of the door, indicating that she should enter.
Upon entering, she stood before her captain with hands clasped behind her back and a determined look on her face.
"Seven, what can I do for you?" Janeway inquired, sporting outwardly a very placid demeanor, while inwardly she was grinding stones together.
"I thought since we have not had a chance lately, we might enjoy a game of velocity together. Our duty shifts are complete. If you have no further pressing matters we could proceed to the holodeck."
The captain was hard pressed to get out of this one without flat out turning Seven down. So that's what she did.
"I'm sorry Seven. I have a pile of reports I need to finish." She cleared the lump that was forming in her throat. "Maybe some other time."
Seven cocked her head in obvious question and the captain breathed a silent sigh of relief when the ex-drone chose not to inquire of her further.
"Very well Captain." She turned to leave, stopping just short of the door sensor for an instant, making Janeway's heart leap into her throat and then left without another word.
"Janeway personal log: I'm such an ass! I avoided her again today. No... I flat out turned her down when she asked me to play Velocity. I could tell she was confused by my actions, maybe even hurt."
She threw up her hands in self-abasement.
"What an idiot. But what else can I do? I didn't mean to fall in love with her."
Pausing a beat in acceptance of her admission, she sighed.
"There."
"I've said it. I love her. I'm terrified because I know I won't be able to go on alone much longer but I can't be with her. I can't have her. I'm the captain. The fearless, unwavering leader of this rag tag mixed Maquis, Starfleet, alien crew, certainly not just a woman with wants and needs and desires like everyone else."
Pacing the floor of her living room, she fumed, furiously wishing she could throw something.
"I have to set an example. I can't *carry on* with one of the crew and expect to still maintain the same level of respect. So, what now? I'm trapped... in what seems like a perpetual circle of deprivation, caught between Captain Janeway and Kathryn Janeway, the worst paradox of all: being trapped between yourself."
She flexed and reflexed her fists, fraught with uncertainty, needing to hit something. She'd been needing that a lot lately.
"I guess the torture continues until we either make it home or I go mad in the process. I'll continue to carry a smile to cover my brokenness, although I'm trembling inside and nobody knows it but me."
"Katie!! Katie O'Claire!" Michael Sullivan the love sick hologram yelled from the crook of a tree trunk.
A large crowd had gathered around the tree, that was growing near the center of Fair Haven, to watch the spectacle in progress. Michael Sullivan was part of an elaborate holoprogram created by Ensign Paris, depicting a peaceful Irish settlement from the early 1900's. Unfortunately things had become less than peaceful at the moment.
"Where are you Katie O'Claire!!" he howled again, slipping and almost falling face first on the cobble stone road. "I love you!"
Several of Voyager's officers were nursing cuts and bruises from the brawl Mr. Sullivan had incited earlier. They tried to coax him down, but to no avail. Seven had been watching with interest but as the dull ache beneath her breast bone steadily increased she decided enough was enough. She grabbed him by the pant leg and yanked him out of the tree. He fell into her arms and belched in her face, reeking of holographic alcohol. Seven, frowning with disdain, throttled him with her Borg enhanced left fist and left him sprawled in the middle of the street.
"We should have asked her for help in the first place. It would've saved me this black eye," Ensign Kim mused aloud.
"Tell me about it. I'm the one who has to explain all of this to the captain," Paris chuckled sarcastically, "that ought to be a blast."
Harry laughed, "In more ways than one!"
The fly boy sighed and shook his head as they headed to sick bay to have their wounds mended before they had to tangle with the captain.
"Kathryn Janeway personal log: I've done something foolish. I seem to be having a problem in that area lately. For the past few days, while we rode this storm out, I passed some time in the holodeck. It started out as a harmless way to work out some of this tension I've been feeling. But now, I've got a mess that I'm not quite sure how to clean up."
"I changed the specifications of one of the holocharacters, adding several traits that would make him seem more like Seven but since he was a man no one would suspect. I don't know what I was thinking! Grasping at straws I suppose. It couldn't *be* Seven. I would've given anything if that were possible. But that would have been totally inappropriate. It was silliness anyway because the entire time I was with him, all I could think of was my six foot cybernetic goddess."
She smiled ruefully as Seven's visage focused in her mind.
"He made a scene after I left. She must have surmised what was going on and I can only imagine what she's thinking. She probably thinks I'm insane. Not far from the truth actually. When we get back to the Alpha Quadrant, I'll be lucky if Starfleet doesn't lock me up with the rest of the crazies and throw away the key."
She took a deep strengthening gulp of air.
"God, I miss her! I've been distancing myself for months now, ever since our encounter in the Delta Flyer. The truth I'd been trying to deny came crashing down around me that day. When I thought about loosing her it nearly threw me into a panic. That's when I decided I'd better get a grip and back off a bit. But all I've succeeded in doing is driving myself to want her more. Now, I feel my heart is constantly crying out to her and nobody knows it but me."
A sound came from the living area signaling that someone was requesting entrance to the captain's quarters.
"Computer, pause recording."
She pulled her roseate silky robe more firmly around herself, curious with apprehension about who might be calling at this late hour.
"Come in."
It was Seven, with the same determined look on her face as she had when she entered the captain's ready room sometime ago, with an invitation on her mind. But this time, there was something more, something in the ex-borg's eyes that was twisting and wringing Janeway's insides.
Swallowing, she fought to keep her voice neutral. "Seven, it's late. Is there something wrong?"
She regretted the question as soon as it escaped her lips. It definitely was the wrong thing to say.
"Yes. Your behavior with the Michael Sullivan hologram puzzles me. I am curious as to why you would act in such a manner."
She made her inquiry, showing only a hint at the gale of emotions that were waging war on her self-control, hoping the journey she had began with her question would take her down the path she knew, without reservation, it was essential that she go.
The question took Janeway off guard. She had been expecting a fight about her avoidance, or a lecture about the negative effects the holodeck row would have on the crew, not a simple curious question about her holodeck escapade.
She sighed, "I'm very lonely Seven. It happens to the best of us."
Without missing a beat, "And you would choose a hologram over me?"
There it was. The question just hung there in the air between them, supported by all the doubts, all the fears, and all the love the two women had been harboring for each other, a fork in the road that would lead either to dreams come true or devastation.
"Oh Seven," Kathryn husked, "I..."
Her voice caught and the tears that had been threatening to fall since Seven arrived, finally did.
Without hesitation, the young woman stepped forward and brushed the back of her fingers over the captain's cheek, swiping away a few of the tears. Kathryn moaned from the shear joy of the touch that she'd so desperately craved. Seven lifted her other hand to cradle the older woman's face, caressing her ear lobes gently with her thumbs. She closed her eyes and let her lips lead the way as she softly kissed every tear stained path from warm, eager skin. Pulling her into a sustaining embrace, Seven whispered words of truth and encouragement that threatened to cause Kathryn's knees to give way.
"I love you, my Captain. More than life itself," she cooed. "There is no need for us to continue this lonely existence."
Seven looked into stormy gray eyes that flashed with passionate longing and graced that passion with the most lovely, little smile.
"You're..." Kathryn breathed, "you're the most beautiful creature I've ever known."
She smiled even wider then, with a hint of a chuckle in her voice. "And *you* are the most stubborn creature I have ever known."
The captain did laugh, "You are absolutely right, my darling."
Kathryn went in search of a tissue to wipe her nose and dry her eyes. Seven had followed close behind and when the captain turned back around she found herself staring into the eyes of infinity. The love she saw was stretching forth through time like long wishes and dreams that were waiting to come true on the morrow, no shadows, no doubts, no darkness, only the glowing brilliance of a deep passionate love.
Seven touched Kathryn's lips with a Borg enhanced thumb, tenderly tracing their delicate curves, making their mouths water in anticipation. As she covered those lips with her own, they melted into each other, caressing and tasting and fueling a desire long denied. When they broke the kiss, Seven swept the smaller women easily up into her arms, heading toward the bedroom, with no intention of waiting one nanosecond longer to make love with this powerful, yet vulnerable woman who she adored with every nerve and cybernetic receptor in her body. She placed the captain on her feet at the foot of the bed and as slowly as her impassioned hands would allow, began to remove Kathryn's robe and gown.
"Seven, I think..." she began to object.
"Shhh," the younger woman forestalled her protest with an index finger. "No more waiting, no more doubting, no more loneliness. I will love you now."
Her eyes... yearning with absolute sincerity, shone like a ray of sunshine peaking through the abysmal emptiness, to warm and soothe Kathryn's shivering soul. The captain was in turn compelled, like a victim trying to escape the crushing death of an imminent cave in of the spirit, to move toward that light, that love, her Seven.
"Please," she whispered. Her earnest plea took Kathryn's breath away so much so that all she could do was nod her affirmation.
Shimmering flashes of pink mixed with silvery sparkles of blue as Seven discarded their clothing to a pile on the floor. They stood before each other in the lambent glow of star light emanating, no longer mocking, through Kathryn's window, in awe of the mutual display of loveliness. The only sounds that broke the burning silence were their quivering breathes and Kathryn's sigh of relief at the exit of her turmoil and the entrance of her peace.
Slowly... Seven ran her fingertips over the freckled, creamy expanse of flesh from one shoulder, across the sensitive skin of Kathryn's upper chest, to the other shoulder.
The captain, lost in the delicious sensation, lulled her head back slightly and leaned into the divine touch.
"Perfect," Seven whispered.
Wrapping her arms around Kathryn's compact form, the ex-drone pressed their bodies together in a heated embrace of flesh upon glorious flesh. The captain's knees could no longer support her. So Seven allowed them to ease down on the foot of the bed. She kneeled between her partner's legs, refusing to let go as she rested her cheek between Kathryn's breasts, listening to the thundering of her heart beat and thrilling in the fact that she could cause such arousal with a simple touch.
As they held each other, Kathryn lovingly worked her fingers through the blonde tresses of her partner, using great care to free them from their restraints, ever so tenderly combing the softness that she'd imagined touching at least a hundred times. Seven's hair tumbled over her back and Kathryn bent forward, shielding her young lover, drawing into her lungs the light fragrance of the silky handfuls of gold she had gathered.
Seven spread out her fingers over the older woman's abdomen and gently urged her to lie back on the bed, while she began softly kissing and tasting the skin surrounding the captain's navel. She slipped her tongue into the fleshy indentation, which made Kathryn squirm and laugh, as she tried to move Seven's head away.
"You are very ticklish in this area," Seven smiled, a delightful warmth washing over her at her discovery.
"Mmm yes," Kathryn giggled.
Seven brushed her lips over soft flesh, caressing and exploring every sweet, salty centimeter of sensitive skin. She exhaled hot breath over the tender flesh of Kathryn's inner thigh, eliciting several moans. Her loosed hair followed the wet caresses of her mouth, drying them with the same tenderness that they were made. The young borg found the wonderful scent, delicately tempting her nostrils, irresistible. Pausing for an instant over the moist auburn patch, she inhaled deeply. Overwhelmed by the power of emotions raging through her body, she quivered with pleasure, hungering to taste of the delicious bounty before her which was aching to be consumed.
"Kathryn!" she gasped with her lips against her partner's sex, and greedily mashed her mouth and tongue into the balmy essence.
A ragged cry erupted from Kathryn's throat as she arched up to meet Seven's assault. The ex-borg feasted upon her lover's juices like they were the last meal she would ever taste, the last drink that would ever quench her, the last fragrance she would ever smell, the last touch she would ever feel.
Seven's inexperience didn't matter, for the captain was so aroused by her need for the lovely blonde that she would have climaxed with very little assistance. And in the wake of such an onslaught she screamed with abandon as her orgasm washed over her, pulsing relentlessly through her body, starting deep within her and rippling outward into everything.
Crawling up beside her, Seven gathered Kathryn into her arms, cradling her tightly until she recovered from the rocking emotions that had left her helpless. Kathryn wept like many nights before but this time the tears were of joy not sorrow.
"My sweet Annika, I love you so much. What you just did... that was beyond words."
Seven smiled openly, no hint of Borg arrogance or impassive restraint. "I only wish to be with you, Kathryn, to love you. There is no need for us to be alone." Seven's voice weakened to a childlike whisper, "Please do not contemplate this further and rescind your feelings. It would serve only to injure us both."
Kathryn gazed upon her with regret, so wanting to undo the many mistakes she had made in the past. "Never! I'll never withhold my love from you again. You have my word."
With a prurient grin playing on her lips, Kathryn lazily stroked the magnificent body next to her from shoulder to navel, causing with that slightest caress, Seven's breathing to catch, growing ragged as he bestowed upon her captain a look that was keenly wanting and fully intended to melt them both.
"Seven," she breathed as she pressed her partner down on the standard Starfleet issue, blue-gray sheets that had been set to burning by the miracle that was taking place above them.
She kissed Seven deeply, tasting the part of herself that still lingered on those soft full lips. A skilled and starving tongue teased the lines of Seven's luscious mouth, reluctantly moving away only after they both were gasping for air. Kathryn placed kisses on her chin, dipping her tongue into the hollow of Seven's neck, and dragging it down over soft flesh to encircle the hardened nipple of the young woman's generous left breast.
As Seven struggled with the usually simple task of breathing, she clutched Kathryn's head close to her in a consummate need, of love, of release, of Kathryn's lust, of everything carnal in the universe to descend upon this one insatiable point of contact.
"Kathryn!" she growled.
Slowly, she swirled her caresses across Seven's stomach until she reached the wisps of wet blonde curls that waited to be brushed and caressed and tangled in liquid desire. Deliberately raking her fingers through the silky down protecting Seven's engorged intimate region, Kathryn parted the delicate folds, slick from the young woman's uncontainable arousal and eased two fingers into her lover's aching depths, causing Seven to buck into the tantalizing caress.
"Oh Kathryn... do not stop. Do not ever stop!" she cried as she thrust faster and harder against her partner.
"Mmmm..." she pulled her mouth away from Seven's breast, "I won't darling. I promise," she purred breathlessly.
With extreme tenderness, Kathryn pressed down on her, bracing her, loving her, riding with her as she soared to a place of utter bliss, utter completeness. All this accomplished with an open, honest act of selfless emotion.
Kathryn drew the covers around them. And they lay clinging to each other, murmuring words of love, whispering ardent promises, until they drifted off to sleep. Warm and safe and unbroken.
"Kathryn Janeway resume personal log: Last night she came to me. When she asked how I could choose a hologram over her I just choked... on my anguish, on my obstinacy, on my selfishness. Apparently she did hear my heart calling to her because when she breathed on me, her passion set me on the wind like ashes of a phoenix. I was helpless to resist her any longer. She held me in her arms, and in that instant I understood what perfection was. When she touched me... I... I've never loved anyone like this. It makes me believe we can make this work. It must work. Or I'm afraid I'll slip away into nothingness.
She is sleeping in my bed like an angel or a goddess or both. Why I'm sitting here at this console instead of pressing my body against her precious warmth is beyond me, except that I remembered I had left this log unencrypted. Wouldn't want any of the crew finding out how truly nuts I am."
She chuckled.
"Hmmmm... my sweet Seven of Nine, I love you. The thought of being able to press my shivering body against hers from now on, for the rest of my life, that must be what paradise is. I can lay down with her and she'll hold me and warm me and love me. Oh... whoever... or whatever it is that holds this cool hearted universe together, thank you. She is the anchor of this captain's torn and battered soul. My heart lives for her."
"And now... somebody knows it but me."
"End personal log. Encryption sequence alpha seven nine. Enable."
~~~The End~~~
Copyright: 2/2000