All dressed up for San Francisco

Seven stood motionless as her friend, current housemate and former captain moved around her putting the finishing touches on her attire.  For the dinner she was to attend later on, they’d searched the shops ceaselessly until Kathryn found the right length and color to compliment her friend.  Standing on a stool wasn’t Seven’s idea of fun, at least, now that she had fun.

Three months ago, after returning to the Alpha Quadrant, Seven chose not to look up any relatives she might have and took the Captain’s offer to move in with her until she found a place of her own.  Since that point, she’d found a job outside Starfleet that she enjoyed and was pursuing other activities, but hadn’t left the confines of Kathryn’s San Francisco home, or looked for another place to settle.

Kathryn, on the other hand, decided to take a year off from duty.  She said, after much prying, that the vacation was to acquaint herself with Earth, her relatives and herself again after such a long bout in deep space.  However, from what Seven could tell, the redhead wasn’t happy sitting at home day after day doing, as it seemed, nothing.

“I see no point to this, Kathryn.”  She looked down at the pastel fabric covering her and sighed.  “It itches.”

“Stop wiggling and it won’t itch so much.”

“Borg do not wiggle.”

Kathryn chuckled as she pulled the dress down to its full length.  She stood back and looked over her friend.  “Of course not, but they do look fabulous all dressed up for San Francisco, I’ll tell you that.”  Seven eyed her.  “You’ll kill them all with your looks tonight.  I wouldn’t be surprised if you had a date by the end of tonight.”

Seven noticed the sour expression that washed over Kathryn’s face.  “Am I sufficient?”  She’d only seen that look when Seven went out without her.

Kathryn shook herself from a reverie, “Yes, of course.”  She offered her hand to help Seven off the stool.   To her surprise, she actually took it.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime, love,” she whispered, then froze, as did Seven.  Janeway’s heart beat a million times a second over what she’d just said, her face contorted with fear.  “I-” she tried to explain, but there was no explanation.  She didn’t know where the word had come from.  She just spoke it.  Seven’s porcelain stare bore into her as they stood in silence.

Finally, Kathryn ducked her head and disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door quietly behind her.  Seven, baffled and confused, stood for a few moments before deciding against waiting any longer.  She stalked easily to the bathroom and opened the door.  Kathryn sat on the floor against the wall with her knees tucked under her chin, her head buried in the crook her body formed.

Slowly, Seven walked over and bent down before her friend then placed a hand on her head, attempting to raise it.  “Will you tell me what’s wrong?”  Her voice was soft, comforting.  In the three months she’d been on Earth with Kathryn, she noticed their relationship shifting into something closer, something more intimate that what it had been on Voyager, and she liked that.  She hoped that bond would allow her to help.

Kathryn rolled her head side to side.  She didn’t want to speak with Seven any more than she wanted to speak with her former fiancé Mark.  Living in the same town with the man was bad enough.  Being able to see how happy and content he was with his life made her feel worthless, insignificant.

She reflected over what she said to Seven again.  Did she want someone to hold so bad as to call her best friend love as if she were her spouse?  Despite the good feeling Seven’s touch was offering, she groaned, “Go away.”

“I won’t.”  Kathryn lifted her head, eyes a raging storm of blue and gray.  Seven sat crossed legged on the tiled floor like a stubborn mule.

“You’ll miss your dinner.  Go.”  Kathryn dropped her head to her knees again.

“Only,” she forced Janeway’s head up, “if you will go with me.”  Something sparked deep down in Kathryn’s eyes, Seven saw, but nothing came of it.  She ripped her face from Seven’s grasp and buried it again.

“I said go away.”

Seven leaned close to her ear, whispering, “It’s okay if you love me, Kathryn.”  When Janeway finally raised her head, Seven stood and offered a hand up.  “Come with me tonight.”  One of the things she feared with Janeway was that she’d slip into depression.  She knew it was possible; she’d seen it for herself in the Void, and it was something she never wanted happen again.  “Please.”  Kathryn shook her head no.  “Why?”  Seven never dropped her arm.

Janeway looked at Seven as if she was stupid in asking the question.  “Your… friends, Seven.  They don’t like me.”

“Anyone who dislikes you is not my friend.”  Her words softened Kathryn’s face some before she left the room.

Kathryn sat wide-eyed at Seven’s hasty departure.  Her jaw dropped slightly.  What does it matter anyway?  Just as she was about to drop her head, so the threatening tears could fall unseen, Seven came back through the door.  “Why did you change?”  Instead of the silky dress she helped Seven get into earlier she had on a pair of cream colored slacks and a light sweater.  “You’re going to that dinner without me, Seven.  I told you, I’m not going.”

“I’m- we are not going to the dinner.  It’s not important.”  Not waiting for Kathryn to take her hand, Seven grabbed her and pulled her up.

“Seven!”  Janeway lost her balance on the way up and felt slightly dizzy.  “You’re the guest of honor!  You have to go.”

“If I’m the guest of honor, I can do as I please.  And, you will come with me.”  Kathryn eyed her with warning.  “Not to the dinner.”

“I look like hell, Seven.  I’m not going anywhere.”

“You look… fine.”  Seven tugged her out of the bathroom, through the bedroom, down the stairs and out of the house.  Not without struggle, though.  “You do not require shoes.”

“My feet are cold.”  Seven only shook her head as she dragged her down the street.

“Stop complaining.  You will enjoy this.”  Within a few minutes, they entered a small park.  Seven knew exactly where she was going and pinpointed the exact spot within seconds.

“Seven, if we’re going to see the sunset, I all ready have.  It’s nothing new to me.”  She sounded bored, annoyed almost.

“Sit.”  Seven pointed to a taller spec of grass on the ground.  Janeway glanced at her questioningly.  “Sit.”

Conceding, Kathryn sat facing the water.  “Now what?”  She looked up at Seven for her next cue, but she only smiled.  Even though she’d grown more since being on Earth, smiling was still something Seven rarely did.  “Whoa.”  Vibrations gradually started up from the ground.  “What the hell…?”  Now, Seven was laughing.  The sensation the tremors were causing weren’t all un-pleasurable.

“I don’t know what it is.  I’ve never felt anything like that before.”

“It’s interesting to say the least, Seven,” Janeway snickered.  She could think of at least three things that provided similar results.

“Have you?”

Janeway stood, not needing that sort of tease.  “Have I what?”

“Felt something like that?”

Stifling a laugh, Kathryn answered, “Yes, something similar to that.”  As she sat on a nearby bench, Seven joined her.  She hoped Seven wouldn’t pursue more answers.  “I’m sorry about what I said back at the house.  I don’t know where it came from.”

“As I told you,” Seven curled a leg underneath her and stretched an arm on the back of the bench, “it’s okay if you love me.  I love you, too.”

Kathryn whipped her head around to face her.  “Seven?”

“Yes, Kathryn?”  Seven was alternatively cool about her revelation.

She immediately dismissed the notion that Seven could be in love with her rather than just loving her.  “Never mind.”

They continued to sit in silence watching the sun set.  Around them, soft lights replaced the diminishing rays of sun.  A few people walked by catching their attention.  Some had dogs, some had children, and others were alone or hand in hand.

One particular couple had caught Seven’s eye as they passed: a pair of males walking slowly hand in hand. Despite knowing the fact that same gendered relationships were common place, she’d never seen a couple in person.  “Are you in love with me, Kathryn?”  Janeway just turned her head and stared.  Seven tilted her head, motioning for an answer.

“Let’s get home.  It’s getting cold out here.”  Without waiting for a rebuttal, Kathryn left the bench.  Seven caught up to her quickly, as she thought she would.  She didn’t count on her sweeping her hand up in her own, though.  It took her by surprise, but she didn’t refuse the warmth and security the touch brought.  Kathryn thought she might and brought Seven’s hand up to her mouth, kissing it softly.

“D-”

Janeway stopped and placed her free hand on Seven’s lips to hush her.  Silence overcame them again as they started to walk, but Janeway soon broke it.  “If I denied it at this point, I’d be a fool.  I’ve been in denial for a long time, I guess.  I’d forgotten.  The emotion was so numb.  Most of me is unfeeling now.  No work; no play; no thought.  Just action.  That’s how I’ve functioned for eight years.”

“I don’t believe that.”  Beside her, Kathryn looked up.  “If you were acting, why am I who I am?”

Janeway thought for a moment.  Seven had a point.  “Who you are was always there, Seven.  All I did was help give it back to you.  You were the one who looked inside for all the answers.”

Seven shook her head, “I don’t believe that either.  Where would I have known to look if not for you?”

“Stop putting it on all me, all right.  I don’t want that responsibility.”

Janeway’s harshness stopped her cold.  Her hand tugged forward until Kathryn stopped and turned, but she didn’t let go.  “Why do you think the things you do?”

Kathryn blinked.  “How else am I supposed to think?  What else am I supposed to think?  I got us all the back here, didn’t I?

“No,” Seven spoke defiantly.  Kathryn let Seven’s hand go, but Seven kept hold and pulled her closer.

“Let me go!”  Janeway struggled to release Seven’s grasp, but she was either too weak or not in the mood to do it.  Both, her mind argued, and she gave up dropping her head to Seven’s chest, the threatening tears of earlier spilling without warning.  “I think we’ve both been in emotional hell the last few years,” Janeway whispered in a hoarse voice after bridling her tears.  She cleared her throat.  “Maybe its about time we get out?”  Seven smiled at her.  “Is it too late to get to that dinner of yours, Ms Guest of Honor?”

All To Myself

The restaurant was buzzing with voices, loud and soft, laughing and serious, but only one was keeping her direct attention.  Seven had donned the pale lavender colored dress again before they’d left the house.  Kathryn decided on something a little less showy, but a tad more daring with a lower neckline, settling on a faintly shimmering dark blue fabric that hugged her upper body but flowed gently to the ground.  Whoever said fashionably late was something to be frowned upon obviously didn’t have them in mind.  She smiled recalling how the group reacted as she strolled in hanging off Seven’s arm like a handbag.  It was as if someone halted a holodeck program full swing.

Now, the young woman was standing behind a podium speaking about something she couldn’t entirely comprehend.  Though music wasn’t something Kathryn took up herself – she’d die before even attempting to sing for an audience, even herself – and she understood all the words coming from Seven’s mouth, the phrases went in one ear and out the opposite.  A rough poke in her ribs rudely woke her from the reverie, and she knew exactly who it was.

The Doctor, after returning to Earth, had been declared a sentient being by the appropriate officials.  It still shocked her how inviting Starfleet had been to listening to the idea at all and then accepting it and making it a fact.  Though the hologram still hadn’t come up with a name for his self, he was doing very well going so far as to opening a private practice outside of the organization.  Now, Kathryn wished he’d just go away.

She turned her head slowly, hoping the anger she felt rising didn’t show on her face, but the grimace on his own told her he regretted that little jab.  “Doctor,” she whispered sternly, not wanting to disturb Seven’s speech, “later.”  Despite her not being his captain any longer, he sat straight and shut his mouth keeping his hands to himself before she returned her attentions to Seven.  She damned him as she caught the guest of honor striding back to the table.  Quiet and controlled clapping finally drummed into her ears.  Kathryn took in a deep breath to check her irritation.

Seven took her seat to the right of Janeway and instantly grabbed the glass of juice she’d left before, chugging the contents in record time.  She turned her head placing the glass on the fabric-covered table noticing the amused look on Kathryn’s face.  “Do not say a word.”

Sitting puzzled in his chair, the Doctor shook his head and spoke up, “Seven, that was a wonderful speech.  You’re a natural.”

Hearing that, Kathryn had to cover her mouth to prevent laughter from spilling out.  She knew Seven hated speaking, alone, in front of a crowd, be it strangers or peers.  Seven’s eyes were sharp and on her.

“Thank, you, Doctor.”  Despite the frustration she had concerning her date, Seven stood and offered her a hand.  Kathryn looked at it then up at her face, confusion lacing her features.  “I wish to dance.”  Seven was sure she saw a flash of fear cloud Kathryn’s eyes at the thought; however, the storm quickly dissipated and Kathryn took her hand gently.  “We will return,” she spoke to the Doctor as her partner settled beside her.  His matrix was perplexed by the looks of his face; Seven smirked as she turned and walked to where other couples were moving with the rhythms of music, Kathryn’s hand inside her own.

“I think we just gave the good Doctor a bit of a shock,” Kathryn giggled as they swayed along.  “You could have asked him; you know?”

Seven tilted her head back a little, “Why would I have done that when I wish to be with you?”

She felt a blush creeping up her neck, flushing her face.  “I see your point.  I thought maybe you wouldn’t want to be so open with me in front of your friends.”  Kathryn felt slightly embarrassed in stating her apprehension, she whispered.

Keeping in time with the melody, Seven raised a hand to a troubled face and lifted it, “Since when do you know me to be withdrawn?”  Kathryn’s eyes darted from side to side a few times before resettling.  “You, as well.  I’ve never seen you so reticent before.”

Not wanting to fight her inner demons anymore, Kathryn let them out to play.  “I don’t know who I am anymore,” she choked out in a raspy whisper before laying her head on Seven’s chest.  The tight hug Seven’s arms pulled her into forced a tear from her closed eyes.

“The answers are there,” Seven whispered into Kathryn’s ear, “you just have to know where to look.”

“And, what if I don’t know where to look?”  She felt her tears coming steadily now, falling freely wetting lavender to dark.

“Then, we will take that journey together.”  The auburn head beneath her chin shifted upward, Kathryn’s eyes locking onto her own.  “If you wish.”  She wiped the tears gently from her face after a minor nod.  “I don’t enjoy seeing you cry, Kathryn.”

Through a rueful, somber expression, a soft smile appeared.  “I promise I won’t make a habit out of it.”  Still flowing with the motions of the song, Kathryn balanced herself uneasily on her toes, leaning up to place an engaging kiss to Seven’s lips.  She was very glad Seven still had her arms around her waist; her legs were feeling like jelly and she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to keep going for much longer.  “I’m falling,” she whispered after dropping her weight onto her feet.  When Seven gripped her tighter, she laughed silently.

“I will never let you fall.”

The sincerity in Seven’s voice made her laugh a bit more.  “Does that mean you won’t let me fall in love with you?”  Seven was taken aback by the question.  “Because, I think I am; or, at least, like I said, I’m finally allowing myself to feel it.”

“Which ever the case may be, I’ll always be here to catch you when you fall.”

Kathryn smiled.  “You have, haven’t you?  Since we’ve been here, I’ve been struggling with myself.  Seven,” her low voice was grave, hardly heard over the music, “I’ve thought about taking my life in the last two months, but,” Seven’s eyes went wide, “every time I thought I wanted to, you were there making me laugh and keeping my mind off I thought I wanted.”

“Why?”

She ducked her head to the left, “I’m…  I don’t want to get lost again.”

“You’re afraid that if you accept another command, something similar to Voyager will happen.”

Hearing the words coming out some someone’s mouth, rather than hearing it in her mind, that mocking, childish voice somehow made her fear irrational and thick.  “Yes, I guess I am.  It’s stupid, isn’t it?  To think that.”

“It’s a valid concern, but an illogical fear since it’s unlikely it will happen again.”  Seven squeezed Kathryn again for reassurance, an act that didn’t go unnoticed.

“May I?”

Kathryn suppressed a groan when she heard the Doctor.  She looked up at Seven who seemed amused by the intrusion.

“I must speak with Chloe about our next performance.”  She placed a feathery kiss on Kathryn’s forehead and squeezed her hands before departing, leaving her with the Doctor.  Seven could only imagine what the man would say in her absence.

The Doctor smiled as he picked up Kathryn’s hands and continued where Seven left off in the dance.  Only he stayed quiet.

“Your thoughts?”

He didn’t look anything close to surprised at the question.  It was exactly why he’d come over.  “It was only a matter of time.  I’ll have to send a communiqué to Tom about this so he can end his betting pool.”  He watched Kathryn’s eyes widen in distress.  “It was a joke, Captain, calm down.”

“You’ve kept in contact with Tom?”

“A few messages here and there.  What can I say?  The crew misses me.”

Kathryn laughed.  At least the Doctor’s ego was still in tact.  “Not that you need to hear this, but I’m glad you approve.  I’ve been in seclusion about my feelings for her for a very long time, I was so afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Everything.”  The song finally ended giving Kathryn the way out she wished for.  “Why don’t we finish this at the table, hm?”  He nodded politely and led the way back through the crowd still on the floor.  He even held her chair out and pushed her in.  “Thank you.”

“Have you heard from Chakotay lately?”

She ducked her head.  She’d been avoiding her former First Officer since their return to Earth.  After three weeks, Seven took it upon her to speak with him when he called.  “In a way, yes.  Seven relays his messages to me,” she added in a mumble, “when I’m in the mood.”

“Why have you been avoiding him?”

Kathryn looked at him, her eyes sharp.  “Is this you asking or Chakotay?”  A cloud passed over his holographic eyes.  “If he really wanted to talk to me, he’d come see me.”

The Doctor was shocked.  “You know he can’t.”

“That’s not my problem.  You’re his doctor, you fix him.”

“So I am; however, I can’t fix all that damage within three months.  His body needs time to regenerate.  He’s been through a terrible ordeal and I can’t just go in and fix it in five minutes.”

Sighing, she leaned back in her chair.  “I’m sorry, I-” Chakotay’s accident was still breathing in her mind.  There was no one to blame for it, being a random accident, but Kathryn still felt as if part of it was because of her.  “Considering I gave him the order, I guess I blame myself a little for it happening.”  She raised her hand to stop him from speaking, “I know; I shouldn’t, but I do.”  From behind, she felt a hand on her shoulder.  Instinctively knowing it was Seven, Kathryn closed her eyes and leaned into the pressure.

“Are you ready to leave?”

“So soon?”  Kathryn looked up to find Seven upset.  “What’s wrong?”  She hopped up and turned in one motion grabbing Seven’s hand.

“It’s nothing for you to worry about.  If you wish to stay, we will.”  Seven moved to sit in the chair she previously inhabited, but Kathryn kept her standing.

“We can go.”  She turned back to the Doctor, and, keeping Seven’s hand in her own, she leaned down to hug him.  “We’ll see you soon?”

He nodded, “Of course.”  He turned his head toward Seven.  “Congratulations and good luck.”

A small smile sprouted over the frown, “Thank you.  Good night, Doctor.”

Kathryn led the way to the door, not stopping for anyone to say good night to her or Seven.  A simple phrase would do, rude or not.  When they reached the end of the block, she spoke up.  “Just because it’s minute doesn’t mean I care any less.”

“I told you, it’s nothing you need to worry about.  Our next performance has been canceled.  That’s all.”

“You’re sure?”  Kathryn wasn’t buying it.  Something big had to have happened for the level of distress Seven was showing.  “I know you better than this, Seven; there’s something more isn’t there?”  Although her pace was slow, it was choppy indicating she wasn’t happy and when Seven sighed she knew her intuition had been correct.  “It’s Chloe, isn’t it?”  She received no answer.  “She never did like me.”

“No, she doesn’t.  She is no longer a problem.”

“I can only imagine what she said to you to make you that upset.”  Kathryn thought about the second statement.  “You didn’t dismiss her did you?

The thought had crossed her mind.  “Chloe quit on her own.  I gave her two options, she opted for one of her own.”

“Isn’t it good to be head of the class?” she laughed.  “Messing with you is not something anyone should make a habit of doing, and she seems to have had her fair share of your ‘bad side’ lately.”

“She’s simply jealous, Kathryn.  A week after I joined the choir, she mad her intentions toward me clear.  I made mine clear toward her as well.  The day she met you, she decided to hate you for something no one had control over.  This situation is her fault.”

Smiling, Kathryn remembered when jealousy overcame her.  Nevertheless, for Chloe, she felt no remorse.  Whatever she had said to Seven was obviously rude, out of line, and her dismissal warranted.  “I’ve had my fair share of being jealous.  It’s fortunate I know how to control it or I’d never be where I am today.”

Seven walked, complacent, beside Kathryn a few blocks.  The quiet was welcome after the noise of the small banquet.  She’d overheard some of the conversation her companion had with the Doctor and felt compelled to say something, though.  It did bother her, as much as it bothered the Doctor and Chakotay, that Kathryn refused to speak with the man.  She’d planned to bring it up eventually, but since the Doctor all ready had previous, she guessed it was a good time.  “Would you come with me tomorrow?”

Intrigued, Kathryn momentarily looked over at Seven.  “Where to?”  Instead of the distress she noticed before, unease laced Seven’s features.

“You will not decline?”

“That depends on where you’re taking me.”  Sighing, Seven quickly spit the sentence out in one breath.  “I don’t want to see him, Seven.  You know that.”

“I do; however, he wishes to see you.  What harm is there in taking an hour from your time of doing absolutely nothing to see the man who helped you through some of the roughest times in your life?”  Seven cringed the instant her words left her lips and Kathryn halted.  “I apologize.”  Despite the petite size of the woman before her, anger seemed to make the redhead grow to an immense size.  “I only meant that since you have the time to see him, you should go.”  Oddly enough, Kathryn still held her hand and even picked up the opposite one.  “Are you angry with me?”

“You know I blame myself for what happened to Chakotay.”  Seven nodded.  “Good.  Then you also know that I have to decide to see him when I am ready to see him.  Conversation over.  Let’s go home.”  Walking backward, she pulled Seven along almost skipping.  “Don’t you agree it’s a beautiful night?”

The sudden mood change puzzled her, but she went with it.  “I agree that you are beautiful.  This night is hardly of note in comparison.”  Seven tugged Kathryn back and into an embrace.  Kathryn looked up into the night sky, so she did, too.

“The moonlight catches in your eyes.”

She felt her brow reaching for the moon in question.  “It could also be the street lamps, no?”

Kathryn nudged her hard, amused, pushing her away.  “Stop ruining it for me!”  Seven pulled her back again, wrapping their arms behind her small back.  She looked up at the stars again wondering what was going on beyond her reach.

“You wish you were up there.”

“Sometimes I do,” she whispered.  “But then sometimes,” she leaned up to lay her lips upon Seven’s, “I’m totally happy here.”  Before she pulled away to drag Seven home, she found herself swept up in a whirlwind of emotion.  Seven’s lips against hers sent electric sensations to every point in her body; she felt heated from the enthusiasm her partner exuded.  A sharp, honeyed, sense of lightheadedness washed over her before she came to her senses, and even then, the feeling lingered making the kiss feel like a dream.  “I think we should get back,” she was breathless, “so I don’t collapse in the streets.”

Giggling, Seven started walking, holding Kathryn’s waist just in case she did start to fall.  “Are you sure it’s not that you can have me all to yourself?”

She was glad for the support around her waist.  Despite knowing she was walking one foot in front of the other, Kathryn felt as if a cloud was doing all the work.  “Having you all to myself for a while is a benefit, too.”  After a few minutes of comfortable silence, she decided to drop a bomb; or, at least, she thought it was a bomb.  “They keep offering me a ship.”  Seven merely shifted her head slightly.  “The Edificate.  Akira class; nice vessel.”

“Why don’t you take it?”

Kathryn stopped on the first step and turned around to look at Seven.  “I told you.  I need to feel grounded, both mentally and physically, before I can take something like that again.  I want to be out there looking for new people and discovering new things, but I- Akira class vessels are sent into deep space because of their ability to travel long distances quickly.  And with the advancement in the slipstream drive,” she changed tones shortly, “thank you very much, Starfleet decided to install the damn drive in every new ship.  After they get the new ships fitted, they’re going to start calling others back to be refitted with it.”  She sighed, “It makes me feel as if I’m never going to see Earth again if I go back out there.”

Seeing the tears begin to well, she pulled the falsely tall, diminutive woman toward her, Kathryn’s arms reaching around hugging her tightly.  “I know.”  They kept still for a few minutes, Kathryn absorbing Seven’s strength, until she leaned back wiping her eyes dry.  “Like with Chakotay, you’ll know when it’s time.”  Smiling, Kathryn stepped backward up the stairs leading Seven into their home.

You’re Allowed…
 

Personal Log; Kathryn Janeway; May 9th, 2380:

What more can I say about the guilt still flowing through me?  I’ve said it all before: in these logs, to everyone.  I first told Tuvok all those years ago; I promised him I’d get him home to see his family.  I promised him I’d get them all home, but they all haven’t made the journey with me.  I regret everyone one of his or her deaths, mostly those who died in the last leg home.  They died getting us through that portal, allowed us to make that jump.  Moreover, because of me, they’ll never see their families smiling faces again.

Those who died dealing with any one of the species we’d come across – the Caretakers, the Kazon, Hirogen, Borg, Vidiian’s – I feel them haunting me.  Their breath is cold against the back of my neck and back when I walk.  Their whispering voices echo in my ears when it’s quiet, when I’m alone.  I almost hate them for haunting me as they do, but then again I don’t blame them.  I killed them all.  Their blood reddens my palms and fingers as if I did it by hand.  I realize I haven’t physically killed them.  I’ve only killed them by being… their worthless captain who couldn’t keep them safe enough until she could get them home to mommy and daddy, husband or wife.

In my dreams, they come after me.  A Borg ship covered in layers of ice.  I run through the corridors dodging icy drones with their ghostly bodies chasing my heel.  They have never caught me, though.  Somehow, I feel comfortable saying they never will.  Those same dreams, others haunt me.  Others I’ve killed.  My father.  I failed him a long time ago, I know.  What would he say if he saw me now sitting here writing my fears and troubles repeatedly as if I were in a time loop?  I don’t wish to speculate.  I do it too much as it is.  Justin, too, he chases me.  I hear his voice calling out to me.  He wants me to turn to him, to embrace him, let me hear that he forgives me.  His forgiveness is just something my mind conjured up to make me feel better.  If I turn, will I die, too?

In a dream I had when first settling in to the Delta quadrant life, I sat in my quarters in a chair, comfortable, reading when the door chime sounded.  In slow motion, I closed the book, dropped the throw to the floor and walked to the door.  When I opened the door, wolves sat outside.  The corridor I expected to be there wasn’t, and in place of it was a forest setting.  The wolves simply sat staring at me with glowing eyes.  They were calm.  Over the years, the wolves became angrier, more agitated.  Their teeth began to show and their fur raised and fluffed.  As much as they tried, they never frightened me.  I had that dream last night, and for once, the wolves tricked a fright in me.

I could see into their eyes, the different possibilities to where my life could go at that particular fork.  The fork now was taking or keep declining The Edificate.  In one case, some time after I’d never taken command of her, there was blackness.  A void.  Infinite choices were in the wolves’ eyes waiting for me to choose.  Declining only once, twice, ten, thirteen or twenty times, the future was still dark.  It seemed to me that I had to take the ship.  I didn’t care to look at all those choices.  I searched for the wolf that had my future with Seven in it.  I couldn’t find it.

It makes me feel as if I’m going to be alone forever.  Everyone I’ve cared about, been with, has died, left me to fend for myself.  I don’t want to be alone forever.  I’m afraid to be that alone.  In truth, I hate being alone.  Some people see that, others don’t.  Daddy didn’t.  Nevertheless, I could never allow myself to say: ‘I don’t want to be alone;’ ‘I want to go with you;’ ‘Please, don’t leave me.’  I don’t have the courage for it.  They were my courage.  All of them.  I hope Seven doesn’t follow in their paths.  I love her too much, and I’m still afraid to tell her.  I can’t tell her my fears.  I can’t let her know how weak I really am inside, that I-

Kathryn heard the door and ended her log, encrypting it, and then shoved the padd firmly under her bottom.  She quickly pulled another padd from the pile pretending to be engrossed in reading it.  Realizing it was a letter from Chakotay, she winced and cursed herself.  “Seven?”  When the tall blonde entered the room, she dropped the padd to the desk, brushing it aside back with the others.  Seven stopped short.  “What?”

Head cocked to the side, Seven questioned, “You were reading Chakotay’s messages?”

Deciding to play along, she ducked her head and sighed.  “Yes.”  Seven smiled.  “He’s doing well?”  Standing before her, Seven took up her old customary stance: shoulders back, hands clasped behind.  “Please don’t stand like that here.”  She watched Seven relax and move around behind her and then felt fingers tickling her neck.

“The Doctor is a liar.”

“Oh is he?”  Seven’s fingers worked harder, massaging instead of slight feathery caresses.  Kathryn arched her neck allowing easier access.

“Not entirely, but to a degree.  Chakotay is to be released next week.”  She felt muscles tense up under her attention.  “I’ve asked him to refrain from contacting you at that time.”  Kathryn turned halfway around, laying a hand on her own, and looked down questioningly.  “I said nothing.  I merely asked him to back off.”

“And us?”

Seven turned the chair to make Kathryn face her, and then bent at her knees.  “We are none of his concern.”  She lifted two different hands to her lips and kissed the differing one gently, taking a bit of flesh into her mouth and sucking momentarily savoring the sweet taste.

Grinning, Kathryn playfully offered, “Don’t you have a job to get to, love?”  As soon as Seven looked up, she grabbed her face between her hands and kissed her solidly on the mouth.  Previous kisses were chaste in comparison as she set on tunneling her way into the confines of Seven’s mouth with her tongue.

Splitting her lips slightly, Seven offered little hesitation.  Feeling Kathryn’s tongue caressing her own, she gasped and fell backward somewhat and grabbed the slim waist for support.

Kathryn’s eyes shot open wide feeling the forward momentum pulling her from the chair.  Seven lost her balance, grabbing her and succeeded in unseating her.  She broke this kiss to squeak a scream, holding onto Seven’s head in case it hit the floor hard.  Over the sound of her knuckles cracking against hard wood, Seven let out a groan.  For a moment, she sat still, straddling Seven’s hips, dazed.  Seeing stifled amusement in Seven’s eyes made her laugh.

She felt hands moving down her torso as Seven sat up, sliding her down to sit on her thighs.  “I take it you didn’t mean for this to happen?”  Seven shook her head no, her mouth narrowly agape.  Kathryn looked down at their position.  She was straddling Seven, her legs out in front of her and Seven was below her doing the same.  “I rather like this, so it’s not a problem.”  Kathryn leaned in for another kiss, cupping Seven’s face, “Does your head hurt?”  It was a light, quick nip.  “Hm?”  Not waiting for an answer, she took Seven’s lips again, but she seemed uninterested.  One hand had left her torso, too.  She sat back and looked at her just as Seven’s hand came back with a padd between the fingers.  Seven stared at her for a few moments, asking for an explanation, then looked down at the contents.  “Please don’t ask me to tell you what’s in that.”

“You don’t have to hide it from me.  Your logs are personal and I wouldn’t…  Kathryn, you should know that.”  Seven offered the padd; Kathryn took it and slouched, looking down at the device in her hands.  “Did something happen today?”  The auburn topped head shook just barely from left to right.  “Look at me.”  Receiving no response, she brought her hand up and pushed the sullen face upward.  Kathryn’s eyes were averted.  “Will you talk to me?  Tell me what’s going on up there.”

Debating, Kathryn wondered if she should share her latest entry.  She tapped the controls to decrypt a file then handed the padd back to Seven.  When she didn’t take it, she finally looked at her.  “It’s not today’s, but it’s something I want you to read.”

Gingerly, Seven accepted the padd then hesitated to play it.

I still don’t understand, even looking back at us now, why she fought with me constantly.  Perhaps to a certain degree I can understand she had to no idea what to do, what was expected of her, but I still don’t understand why she had to make me feel as if I couldn’t help her.

A lot of the time, especially when she was hurting, I wanted to be there for her in a different way.  I didn’t want to be her captain anymore.  I didn’t just want to be her shipmate, her friend.  Hitting that dark area of space, what the crew dubbed the ‘Void’, I felt that more than usual, and I sunk back.  A lot faced me during that time.  I bit it back when I realized nothing could be done, but there’s still that ever lingering feeling that I killed so many, that I could never have what I wanted or give her what she needed.  I felt weak.  I feel weak.  I am weak.

During the times when I feel this way, I steal a long glance when she sleeps, regenerates.  It’s not right, I know; I feel like a voyeur, but to watch her in such a state sets me at ease.  Reminds me just how innocent a being can be.  It makes me strong again… sometimes.  Tonight, I stood at the doorway to her room and cried.

When Kathryn’s shaky recorded voice ceased, Seven realized she’d been holding her breath and exhaled slowly.  Noticing the date the file was created, Seven was shocked; the file hadn’t been made more than two weeks previous.  Looking at Kathryn now, she seemed distant, afraid.  “Why couldn’t you tell me?” she whispered.

“Tell you what?”  Kathryn’s voice cracked.  “That I like to watch you sleep?  That I love you?  That I killed all those people, got most of them stranded for how many years?!  I did it!  Not you or any one else, but me!  You wouldn’t understand!  You don’t understand!”

Shocked by Kathryn’s continued screamed rambles, Seven grabbed her arms and shook her.  “Kathryn, stop!”  When she quieted, she just stared, tears welling in her eyes.  Seven shook her head not knowing what to say, her lips faintly parted.

In Seven’s eyes, she saw partial understanding, and overwhelming caring and concern.  Biting back her tears, her fears, she shrugged the hands from her arms then leaned forward to wrap her arms around Seven.  When Seven moved away from her, she stopped and sat back, confused.  “I’m fine.”

Seven watched the transformation from frightened puppy to guard dog in awe.  “You are not fine.”

“Are you calling me a liar?”

“How can you say you’re fine after what you just did?”

“What did I just do?  I screamed, I yelled.  People do that.”  Kathryn moved to stand, but Seven kept her sitting.  “I told you, I’m fine.”

“Then, look at me.”  Being back on Earth changed Kathryn in some ways.  Seven knew, now, that she couldn’t look in her in the eye when trying to hide something from her.  “Look at me and then tell me you’re ‘fine’.”  She moved her hand to touch Kathryn’s face, but she moved away.  “Talk to me?”

“Isn’t it enough… that I let you hear that?”

Still averted, Kathryn spoke quietly to her.  “Yes, it is.”  Seven tried again to reach out and was successful, but didn’t try to bring Kathryn to face her.

“Then what more do you want?”  Feeling the tears gathering again, Kathryn attempted to bite them back.

“I wish for you to be as open with me as I am with you.”  She saw the tears rimming Kathryn’s eyes.  “You’re allowed to speak out loud.”  Kathryn’s lips moved, but no sound came out.  “You’re allowed to feel that way: alone, but know that you are not,” Seven whispered close to her ear, brushing a light kiss over her temple afterward.  “You’re allowed to cry and feel afraid.”

Feeling Seven’s warm breath in her ear, she closed her eyes.  The tiny action forced a tear to escape, leaving a trail of wet behind in its wake.  What Seven said was entirely true, but she didn’t believe in it.  “I can’t…” she felt Seven’s lips on her cheek then her tongue gently licking away the liquid streak.

She kept her voice quiet, “They broke you more than you know.”  Kathryn’s head slowly turned enabling her to see the intrigued expression on her face.  “Everyone; even I.”  The red head shook, not understanding.  “Anyone you’ve ever had an argument with, but more recently, those who’ve sent you into this dark place where you are now, the ones in the Delta quadrant: Kashyk, the Hirogen hunters.  Some have pulled your hair or split your lip: they’ve hurt your pride and you’ve hidden that hurt for so long that you don’t know how to let it go.”  Seven finished quietly,  “They don’t matter.”

Resting her forehead on Seven’s, she let a small smile form, “You’re not important.”  It was a question.

Seven returned the smile.  “You,” she pointed to Kathryn’s chest, “your opinion of you is more important than anyone’s will ever be.  Playing with fire isn’t prudent and even though you’ve burned them, you, too, have been injured.  Maybe even more so than they.”  Sighing, she pulled the petite redhead closer.  This vulnerable woman before her could hardly be recognizable as the woman she knew only a year ago.

Kathryn cuddled her way into a more comfortable position in Seven’s arms.  They broke me more than I know…  Maybe.  “Do you think I should accept the command?”

“Kathryn, you said to me last night you weren’t ready for it.”  She scooted back and to the side to lean into the wall for support.

“I’m not right now, but maybe by the time they’ve completed the installations I will be.  Seven, I,” she started strongly then abruptly stopped.  Kathryn closed her eyes to Seven, to the world.  With a sigh, she continued, “I see wolves in my dreams.”

Puzzled, Seven leaned her head forward and down beside Kathryn’s, “Wolves?” she questioned.

“I’m always sitting in my quarters on Voyager when the door chime rings.  Sometimes it’s me sitting in the chair and sometimes I watch as if it’s recorded.  It’s always the wolves at the door and the corridor is a forest so thick with trees that you can’t see through to the other side.  Night has fallen and there is no moon above, just darkness.  There is a black wolf at the front, his eyes, most times, glow bright red when I look at him.  At his side, to the right and back, is a white female also with red eyes.  Around and behind them are more wolves differing in fur and eye color.  They all stare at me, unblinking, holding infinity within them.”  Not even thinking, Kathryn kept speaking.  “The red eyed wolves always showed me trying experiences where the golden eyed wolves showed me the same experience in a good way.  Wolves with black, depthless eyes were ignored after the first look into them.  A long time ago, I had this dream on a planet where the Kazon and Seska left us, and I chose the wolf with black eyes directly past the alpha male and he showed me how I’d die if I stayed on that planet.  I didn’t sleep a wink after that on the planet.  There are an infinite amount of wolves to choose from and just as many different colored eyes to choose.  I still haven’t explored them all and I don’t think I want to.”

The finality to Kathryn’s statement made Seven want to ask questions, but she hesitated.  Wolves?  “Has anything you’ve seen come true?”

Kathryn ducked her head slightly and smiled.  “A blonde wolf with blue eyes once showed me the day I’d meet you on that Borg cube.  I haven’t seen a blonde wolf since and the blue-eyed ones are a rarity.  When I do see one, I have to chase them down finally settling in an egg shaped grove of trees.  It sits on a flat table at the center and waits for me to sit before letting me see what it has to show me.  It sounds so silly saying it aloud, too, but it’s the truth.  I have strange prophetic recurring dreams where wolves predict my possible futures.”  Seven chuckled under her.

“I saw Tom today.”

“Did you?”  Kathryn tried to fake her disinterest.

“Yes.”

Seven didn’t make it easy to stay quiet with not offering information freely.  Smart girl.  “How is he?”

“I invited him over for dinner.”  Kathryn froze in her arms.  “We haven’t seen him for a long while and I believe it would do us all good to see one another again.”  Now, she sighed.  “He joked about your infamous pot roast, so I assured him that I would not let you near the kitchen.”

Laughing felt good at this point.  Kathryn tilted her face upward, “Does that mean I can’t watch you work your wonders?”  Seven smiled then kissed her forehead.  “Promise I won’t burn anything this time.”

“The Doctor is coming as well.”  In response, Kathryn shook her head.  “I miss them.”

She sighed thinking the same thing.  “I know you do.  A small dinner party might do me some good.”  Seven was uneasily quiet.  “Small isn’t the word, is it?  How many more did you invite?”  Her eyes widened and she turned thinking of something, “You didn’t in-” two soft fingers were placed on her lips to quiet her.

“No.  However, yes, there are more than two joining us tonight.”

“I get the feeling you’re not going to tell me who else is coming.”

“Of course not.  It’s a surprise.”

“Oh, this can’t be good.”  Kathryn started to stand, but Seven held her back, wrapping her arms tightly around her.

“Do something for me?”  Seven whispered.

Kathryn whispered back, “What’s that?”

“Always remember that I love you.”

Smiling like a kid hitting the jackpot on Christmas morning, Kathryn giggled and let go.