[She's] The Girl All the Bad Guys Want

Once, you think things are done.  Your life can’t get any better or any worse.  Then something comes into your life that really pisses you off but offers a challenge, too, and you feel alive again.

There’s loss.  You receive a gift only to get a headache and go through some hell.  Determined defiance was the only thing that kept you sane before the game began.  Hope, but mostly fear, guides the way and you don’t know where you are.

Lonely nights take over and you think you’ve developed multiple personalities.  It’s really facets of yourself you’ve never let out and you realize you’re nothing human.  You can’t be and you never will.  Maybe a distraction will help ease those thoughts.  It might just bring you down from the lack of gravity in the scene.  Yet, it doesn’t and the faux bliss turns dark faster than ever before and you’re faced with possible loss.  Again.  Almost.  Safe.  Don’t forget the jealousy.  There’s always a place for that before you get scared again.  Another near miss.  One begins to think that maybe life is always up and down.  Push and pull.

Open and close, but you survive.  You’re tested.  You’re teased.  You’re confused.  You’re lost.  Another distraction takes your mind off the confusion, but it passes in the blink of an eye.  Something deeper hits home after but before a long lost loss returns to haunt.  And, remember that jealousy?  Its green eyes ring true again like evergreen needles.

The biggest hit is yet to come.  Death.  Faced with it, you panic.  You drive yourself through and repress what’s in your blood before the flesh shatters and you fall into a void where your life is taken away, you’re lied to, taken advantage of and poked fun at.

This is my party, so I’m told.  I should have known something was wrong when the Doctor invited me to dinner in the Mess Hall.  The doors opened as they normally did revealing a darkened room, only the stars streaking by outside.  I called for the lights, and as they came up, so did the crew.  They screamed in unison, which forced me back.

How I love one of Neelix’s surprise parties.

Previous years, the crew in passing would offer quiet wishes for the day.  I preferred it to this catastrophe.  Ribbons twisted and draped from the ceiling all across the room.  Colored balloons dangled here and there or were bunched in corners.  Some wore hats while others had noisemakers in their hands or mouths.

Their smiles were almost catching.  I felt my lips start to turn up, but held it back with a sip of my drink.  They all cared, as do I, but something…  There was always something there.  And it was the sole thing preventing me from letting myself go in front of the people I cared for, too.

“You never can tell what they’re doing,” B’Elanna Torres said quietly.  “Just look at them.”

It wasn’t something new to gossip about.  Everyone had the notion.  We knew something could be up, but there never was an indication that anything was actually going on.  I glanced at the two seeing why B’Elanna was gossiping yet again.  They stood close together by the view ports.  He leaned over her with a drink in his free hand.  His lips formed a smile as they moved, surely wooing her as he always did.  He was happy to be there.  Happy to pine.

I knew about her.  Despite the jovial expression as he spoke to her, she wasn’t happy.  She wasn’t pining anything save to get away, to get home.  She ducked back when he leaned closer.  Silently, she wished he’d leave her alone.

“If they aren’t, I’d be surprised.”

To the right, Neelix tapped a glass to catch everyone’s attention.  The Captain turned in so quickly Chakotay didn’t have time to finish his last word.  I smiled.  B’Elanna appeared at my left while Tom and Harry lined up to my right.  Neelix held out his arm, motioning to me, but before I could move on my own, I was knocked to the deck.

The Captain was up before anyone else, heading for the door.  The rest of the senior staff followed her into the lift.  Tom offered B’Elanna a hug before we exited onto the Bridge and she continued her way to Engineering.  I lingered, watching Tom take the helm, wondering how it would be for me.

Chakotay took his chair beside the Captain’s and tapped the panel looking for information.  Janeway stood watching the view screen as she listened to the report.  As I worked at my own station, I listened and gauged that she wouldn’t be happy and was slightly confused about the altercation.  All we knew is that we’d dropped out of warp suddenly with damage starboard.

Janeway turned, allowing me to see the stress thrust upon her, as a ship decloaked on the view screen.

“Captain,” I said, staring ahead.

She looked at me for a moment, and then turned to Harry’s report of the new arrival.  I heard her swear at the sight before I felt my body dematerializing for transport.  The other ship fizzled before my eyes, solidified, then fizzled out again and I was back on Voyager’s Bridge with the Captain staring at me.  A simple nod told her I was unharmed.

“Now,” she said, fire on her breath.

Tuvok shot three direct lines of phaser fire at the smaller ship, easily taking its engines offline.  With confirmation, Tom took us into warp.  Tom kept the helm while Chakotay looked at and touched his panel.  Tuvok stood behind me analyzing the same information.  Harry spoke quietly with the beta shift operations officer teaching her a few things she needed to know.  B’Elanna relayed that all systems were functional in Engineering and repair crews were being dispatched.  I watched Janeway nod and thank her.

She looked at me and cocked her head slightly toward her office.  She allowed the door to open then stepped aside to let me enter before her.  It was an uncommon occurrence.  As the door closed behind her, I felt her hand on my arm.

“Are you all right?”  Worry was etched on her face.  The blue eyes that were so bright earlier were dark gray.  The anger that was there five minutes ago quickly burnt out.

“Yes.”

Janeway sighed, dropped her arm and closed her eyes.  “One minute, we’re about to cut the cake and the next we’re fighting to get you back.”  She looked at me as if there was something more she had to say.  “Do you know who they are?”

I shook my head knowing there was something else she needed to say.  There had been for a while.  “I was there for a fraction of a second before I was transported back to Voyager.”  Her face crinkled.  “What?”

“You were there for at least an hour.”  Her hand went to her head, fingers hoping to massage the stress out.  “Go see the Doctor.  Maybe he can sort this out.”  Janeway offered me a half smile.

“Is there anything else?”

She stared at me for a while looking as if there was then shook her head.

“I’ll have the Doctor report to you.”  I turned and walked toward the door.

“Seven,” she called.

I turned my head back to her still seeing the deeper meaning in her eyes.

She smiled, “Happy birthday.”

“Thank you, Captain.”  Her eyes flickered at the title.  I walked across the Bridge and into the lift.  “Deck five.”

After receiving a full check up from the Doctor, and a note of health to go along with it, I returned to the cargo bay.  Looking over the information from the attack earlier, I discovered I did know whom the alien ship belonged to.  Species 465: the Guihl.  I raised my hand to tap the communications badge on my chest when the Captain’s voice came over a channel.

“Yes, Captain?”

“Would you join me in the Mess Hall?”

I almost sighed.  “Not for another surprise party, Captain?”

She laughed.  “Not quite.  Just you, me and a coffee cup or two.”

“I’ll join you shortly.”

I walked in, again, to a darkened room.  The lights were set to one quarter, just enough for someone to see without tripping over chairs and tables.

“No need to call for higher lights, Seven.  I promise it’s just me here.”

I followed the Captain’s soft voice to a sofa across the room.  “I know what species attacked the ship.”

“I spoke to Neelix about it.  The Guihl, right?”

“Yes,” I said.  “Now we know the reason for the time differential.”

Janeway nodded and sipped her coffee.  “I’m just glad you’re all right.  The Doctor said everything checked out.  You were fortunate from what Neelix tells me.”

“There’s a cake on the table.”

She laughed.  “Yes, there is.  I figured since you didn’t get to blow them out earlier, we could do it now.”

“We?”

Janeway looked to each side without moving her head.  “You and I.”  Settling elbows on knees, she grabbed a pack of matchsticks from the table.  I could sense she still had that something she needed to tell me.  She tucked her hair behind an ear as she lit each tiny candle.  “Don’t forget to make a wish,” she whispered.

Intrigued, I looked at her trying to figure out her unusual behavior.  “Should I voice it?”

“Some say you shouldn’t.  That your wish won’t come true if you do, but none of mine ever have.”

It was a simple dare.  “I wish… you would tell me what’s on your mind.”

Janeway was visibly shocked.  “You didn’t blow the candle’s out.”  She sat back into the cushions and kept her eyes on me.

I pursed my lips, watching her, and blew gently.  The little flames flickered and went out.  “Will you tell me?”  Her face turned shades of red, which sent tingles down my spine and trickling to my groin.

“Maybe,” she said shyly.

“Cap- Kathryn,” I tried for the first time.  Her name came off my tongue uneasily and she looked at me as if I’d spoken blasphemy, however I knew I only caught her off guard.  “I’ve felt that you’ve had something more to say since your Ready Room earlier.  It creates a sense of anticipation inside that I’m unaccustomed to.”

She smiled and reached beneath the table.  “Here,” she said, offering a tightly wrapped rectangular object.  “I’m not sure if you’ll like it, but it’s a nice thing to have.  I can teach you if you like.”

Puzzled, I took the parcel.  I slid a finger under the adhesive watching her all the while.  There was a smirk playing on her lips.  A long cylindrical item fell onto my lap.  From the top of my eyes, I saw Janeway’s smirk turn into a small smile as I unwrapped the gift.  I ran my hand over the engraved front panel then took the pen from my lap.  “A journal?”

“Yes.  Handwriting my personal log is a little less,” she paused, “self-conscious than speaking aloud to the computer, even if I am alone.”

“Thank you.”  My finger traced the embossed leather as we stared at one another.  Finally, Kathryn looked down.  I followed her gaze to a pair of fidgeting hands.  “You were the one who organized the party.  Not Neelix or the Doctor,” I stated.

“True,” she said without lifting her head.

“But there is something else?”  Kathryn’s fingers kept moving while her lips or head did not.  I now knew what that lurking something was.  I moved to her quietly, kneeling beside her, and placed a hand on hers.  She gasped and jerked her head up.  “As you say, you can tell me anything.”  I noticed the tears then.  In all the years I’d known Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager, I’d never seen her cry.  Reaching out, I caught the streams before they fell to her shift.

Kathryn stared at me for a moment, absolute fright clouding her eyes, then stood, brushing my hands away.  “I can’t tell you everything.”

My heart caught when she spoke and before she could get far, I tugged her back by an arm.  Again, she stared at me; tears rushing down her face.  “Then show me.”  The gray cloud flickered hopefully and she tried to move away.  Compelled, I brought Kathryn’s body close and felt her breathe in silence.  She looked at me, still, uncertain fear lingering in her once blue eyes.  Lessening the grip on her arm, I brought it behind her back as I embraced her.  “There’s no need for fear,” my voice came as a whisper.

Kathryn crumbled into me.  Her arms wrapped around my torso and she cried.  She wailed, screaming profanities and of things from the past.

I brought us down to the sofa and held her close.  I wanted to keep her safe and comforted in such a state.  Kathryn’s hands hadn’t shifted from my waist and she seemed to grab tighter as I settled us.  I knew, despite her fervent cries, that this was a healing for her.  With one hand, I massaged soft circles on her back.  It wasn’t about me or because of me.  I slowly combed through her hair with the other and hummed a made up song.  It was time for her to let everything go.  Her cries soon lessened to wheezing and sniffles.  Still, she hadn’t said a word.  She’d finally freed her soul from the self made cage.  I kept humming and her breathing eventually evened out.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I know.”

She let go of my waist and placed gentle pressure on my chest as she moved her body back to look up at me.  “Do you?”  The fear in her eyes had returned.

I softened my expression and brought my hands up to her face to wash away the drying tears.  There was a smile as large as the ship itself gracing my lips.  “I love you,” I said.  It was an irrevocable fact.  I felt my heart swell as I said the words for the first time.  Kathryn wasn’t smiling, though.  My own faltered.  “You won’t let anything happen will you?”  As I watched her sit in silent contemplation, the fear grew.  I closed my eyes against the sight and dropped my hands.  Still, she didn’t leave me.  “The positive reasons outweigh the few negative.”

“I do love you, Seven, I just…” she stopped and sighed.  “As Captain-“

“No.”  I quieted her easily with a soft voice.  “Was it the Captain who invited me here to blow out my birthday candles?  How often does the Captain cry?  Did the Captain give me a present?  Did she plan my surprise party?”  She blushed hotly.  “And,” I said, taking her hands, “did Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager just tell Seven if Nine, former Tertiary Adjunct to the Unimatrix Zero, that she’s in love with her?”  She just looked at me, as if unsure of what to say, but she did not move.  “I think I understand now, what you said to me in the brig of the Dauntless, but I don’t believe that you do.  You are the Captain of this vessel at all times, but right here and now, you are simply Kathryn Janeway, the woman I love.”

Kathryn dipped her head, but I tipped her back up to look at me.  A tiny smile turned her lips.  “You’ve grown so much I can hardly keep up.  When did all this happen inside you?  How?  Does it even matter?  Should I bother thinking about the How’s? and Why’s? when you’re right here offering me everything I could ever want?”

“You tell me.”

“No,” she paused, hoping to frighten me.  “I will, however, show you.”

She traced the lines of my face as she gazed into my eyes.  I saw the stars in hers.  My time in the holodecks lately didn’t prepare me for what I was feeling.  My body stilled unable to do much under the tickling caress.  Implants had trouble keeping my heart stable and my breath even.  It felt like butterflies slowly beat symphony in my stomach.  “Kathryn,” was all I could manage before she kissed me.  She held no insistence; modest, the kiss was long and slow.

Before we even thought of parting, as Kathryn’s hands began to wander, my eyes shot open.  I tried to pull back, to let Kathryn know, but she wouldn’t let me go.

“Computer: lights,” she said, her voice a little groggy.

Kathryn heard her, now, and settled into me.  Her hands rested coolly on my chest and she panted lightly.  “Oops?” she whispered, a stifled laugh behind her question.

“What the hell?  Seven?”  It was late.  She could be dreaming.  “Captain?!”

I watched B’Elanna turn a circle around her position, her jaw slack.  Kathryn looked at her, then to me and said, “I guess we should have gone somewhere more private.”  She laughed and it made me laugh, too.

B’Elanna seemed to have lost the ability to talk.  Her head was shaking from side to side and she had a troubled expression on her face.  “Is there something wrong, Lieutenant?” I asked.

Her head shook more.  “No!  No, I was, uh, just looking for a midnight snack.”  She moved into the galley and ducked out of view for just a moment.  When she came back up, she leaned on the counter, still troubled.  “When did this happen?”  B’Elanna’s sure nature was clearly unsettled.

Kathryn just smiled.  “All in good time, B’Elanna.  All in good time,” she reiterated and stood, holding her hands out to me.  “We can go back to my quarters?”

“Of course,” I said, taking her hands.  She pulled me up and brought our hands behind my back.  Kathryn had to tip her head up being that close to look at me.  “You are short,” I joked.

“You’re too tall.”  She looked into my eyes, a smile appearing, before letting go to grab the cake.  She moved off toward B’Elanna as I took up the journal, pen and wrapping paper.  “How are you feeling,” she asked as she settled a stasis cover over the confection.

“Just a little hungry.  She takes a lot out of me.  She’s kicking all ready.”  B’Elanna was smiling, her face beaming with love and pride for her baby.  “If it makes you happy,” she whispered, leaning closer to Kathryn when she straightened, “I’m happy about this.”  She slightly nodded toward me.

Kathryn ducked her head a little.  A broad smile graced her lips illuminating her entire face.  The air seemed to charge with her acceptance of B’Elanna’s approval.  “Thank you.”  B’Elanna smiled back and I knew, somehow by that simple act, everything would be all right.  “Goodnight, B’Elanna and goodnight down there little one.”  Kathryn bent to B’Elanna’s stomach and tickled with her pointer finger.

“Goodnight,” she spoke with a smile.

Kathryn met me near the door and took my free hand.

“Hey, Seven,” B’Elanna called.

We stopped and turned back to her standing in the galley.  She’d found a plate of Neelix’s favorite ingredient: leeola root, and placed it in front of her.

“Take care of her, will you?  She means a lot to me.”

I merely nodded to her before looking at Kathryn.  “She means much to me as well.”

As we left the Mess Hall, I heard a muffled “Wow”.

“Well,” Kathryn started, “by breakfast tomorrow, the entire ship will know.”  She laughed, amused by the fact.

“You don’t mind?”

“As if we have any choice in the matter?”  She laughed again, filling the empty corridor with the deep and husky sound.  “It’s not exactly how I would have liked our relationship to be made public, but it sure is the most efficient way to go about it.”  Stepping into the lift, she added, “Deck three.”

“How would you have liked it?”  I was certain she would have wanted to keep it all a secret.  It surprised me she didn’t tell B’Elanna to hush.  Her shrugging it off as if it didn’t matter made me happy.  She was more willing and more open than I predicted.

“I don’t know,” she said, taking the first step out onto the deck.  “Casually?  Maybe a night at Sandrine’s,” Kathryn pondered aloud, swinging our entwined hands between us as we walked.  “Or, a slip of the tongue on the Bridge.  ‘Oh, honey, by the way, you left your biosuit on the floor.  Next time, be more careful.  I almost tripped!’”  She laughed more.

I smiled just as we reached her quarters.  She stopped and turned to me, the door opening with a muted swish.  We looked at one another for a while before smiling, realizing we must look like idiots standing in the corridor at three hundred in the morning.  “I should go,” I said.  “You should stay,” she said.  Kathryn laughed and shook her head down.

“I wish you would stay, but if you don’t want to, I understand.”  One of her hands kept mine as the other came to my face, caressing again, smoothly, gently.

I wanted to stay.  “I do, however I feel it is too soon.”  She smiled at me.  The rush I felt from it almost made me move inside.  Almost.  Instead, with Kathryn’s hand still on my face, I leaned down to kiss her forehead.  “Thank you for a memorable birthday.”  She squeezed my hand.  “Goodnight, Kathryn.”

“Goodnight, Seven,” she said as I moved back toward the lift.

Inside, I rested against the wall.  “Deck eight.”  As the lift started, my stomach went with it and I cursed myself for not staying.  Despite the overwhelming need to stay with her, I hardly wanted a repeat of my first night on the holodeck.  I couldn’t risk ruining something that just begun. 

I smiled, standing still under the threshold of my quarters.  My forehead tingled where her lips just left.  My heart surged and my breath stuck.  It had been quite a while since I was suckered in this deep for anyone, if I ever had been at all.  It took almost four years and a lot of pain to realize it, but it finally hit me.  I’m in love with Seven of Nine.

I tried to fight it.  I tried to ignore it.  Eventually, after thought and counsel from the holodeck and in recent communiqués with my mother, I did something for myself: something sneaky, cunning, and utterly sweet.  I conspired with Neelix, as well as the Doctor, to plan a surprise birthday party for Seven.  As she initially suspected, they were involved.  How she knew I was behind the whole thing is something I’m sure I’ll never figure out.

Now, it seemed my life had meaning.  Or, more meaning.  Getting the crew home was top priority, but maybe now I could be happy while I attempt it.

“Kathryn to Seven,” I said, stepping backward into my quarters.  I almost hesitated, about to use my last name.

“Yes,” she answered less than quick.  There was a smile on her face, I could tell by her voice.  “Kathryn?”

A throaty, “Hmmm?” was all I could manage.  She laughed over the channel, which brought a smile to my own lips.