Agony  

Pain.

Agony, really. Seeing them together day in and day out. She didn't have to, of course, but somehow it was a fitting punishment. For what, was the most ironic part. Punishment for being human. Punishment for what she had struggled to be for so long. Punishment for what *she* wanted her to be. For what *she* encouraged her to seek. For what *she* wanted, what *she* needed…

It turned out that what she needed wasn't humanity at all. Not in the form of Annika Hansen, human, anyway. No… Kathryn Janeway had to choose someone else. So many years with the younger blonde… Mentor, friend… lover. So many years… gone. Like a candle extinguished, with only the wisps of smoke-memories to keep Annika company on with lonely, cold nights.

Memories, and bitter dreams. Dreams of Kathryn's wife. The woman Kathryn had thought Annika to become. The woman Annika couldn't be. The woman who now took Annika's rightful place by Kathryn's side. The woman who slept in Kathryn's bed, who replicated her toast and coffee every morning while Kathryn was dressing. The woman who bore Kathryn's child, then stayed home, on Earth, for five years until the girl was old enough to understand that Mommy had a starship to run.

Somewhere, deep inside her mind, Annika knew she couldn't hate the woman. Knew that it had been Kathryn's decision, that it was Kathryn who couldn't love her, not the woman who had taken her away. But the pain was still there, clouding her judgement. The pain told her that it was all the woman's fault. That if she had never walked into Kathryn's office that morning, Annika would be the one standing beside Kathryn, smiling and greeting three-pip admirals. That Annika would be the one large with a second child, and a six-year-old holding tightly to her hand. That Annika would be the one receiving the adoring looks after eight years of marriage, and Annika would be the one, the only one, whose lips touched Kathryn's.

But the pain couldn't hide the truth. The pain couldn't make Kathryn love her again, couldn't put Annika in the woman's place. The pain couldn't stop Kathryn's smile from fading and eyes from dulling when she caught sight of Annika. And the pain couldn't stop her from trying to stop it.

"Kathryn."

Kathryn turned to see Seven. Although, the Admiral remembered, Seven was now called Annika. "Annika," she said evenly.

Annika remember that voice, and how it sounded screaming out her name in passion. Back then that voice said Seven, not Annika. Not that hated human name. "I wanted to see you."

Kathryn glanced over at her wife, deep in discussion with an admiral. The woman turned and caught her eye, smiling softly. Kathryn turned back to Annika. "What about?"

Annika studied the woman in front of her. "Why?"

"Why what?" Kathryn asked, frowning. "Why her? Why not me?"

Kathryn blinked. "Annika, I don't think we should be having this conversation right now, not here."

"Where?"

"Annika." Kathryn's voice was harsh, and Annika almost flinched.

Ignoring the warning in the tone, Annika continued. "I loved you, Kathryn. I still love you. I thought you loved me."

"Annika, this is neither the time, nor the place."

"Why did you leave me?!" Annika suddenly shouted.

Kathryn stared at the blonde. "Annika, you're drunk."

"I am not." Annika's voice turned pleading. "I need you, Kathryn. I need your touch, your voice, your love. I've always needed you, and you needed me. Why don't you need me anymore? You have to need me!"

Kathryn gripped Annika's arm. "I'm calling you a transport, Annika. Get some sleep."

"With you?" Annika's voice was hopeful.

Kathryn felt her face heating up, knowing she was being observed by at least a dozen high ranking Starfleet officials, not to mention her wife and daughter. "No, Annika, not with me. You need to go home."

"I need you."

Kathryn looked into Annika's eyes fully for the first time since their conversation started. The blue gaze was hazy and clouded with alcohol, and something else. Pain. Kathryn's face crumpled slightly in compassion, her blue-grey eyes shining with sympathy. "I'm sorry, Annika," she said softly.

Annika could feel the anger rising in her, but stomped it down firmly. "You love her?"

"Yes, I do."

Annika bit her lip, debating the wisdom of asking her next question. Finally she asked it anyway. "You need her?"

Kathryn's throat tightened. "Yes." The word was harshly spoken, dragged through the emotion gathered in her throat.

Annika nodded once, then promptly walked past Kathryn to her wife. She studied the other woman for a long moment before meeting her gaze. "Do you love Kathryn?"

The woman nodded. "Yes, Annika."

Annika's teeth ground together slightly, but she forced herself to ask, "Do you need her?"

The woman stared into Annika's eyes, letting her emotions shine through for a long moment before simply nodding.

Annika choked back a sob. "If you ever hurt her…" her voice trailed off. The warning was clear, though out of line, and the woman only nodded again in reply.

Annika nodded once more, and left the room, calling her own transport to take her home. Home, where she could lay her heart down, staring at the shattered pieces upon her floor. But if there was one thing to be grateful for, in her agony, was that she at least, finally, had her heart back in her own hands.