A highly irrelevant story

"Seven! What can I do for you?" Captain Janeway was sitting behind the desk of her ready room, watching Seven of Nine approach her desk.

"You have styled your hair in a different manner," remarked Seven.

"Nice of you to notice! Yes, B'Elanna offered to style it for me. Surprisingly I rather like it," replied Janeway.

"Indeed. It is nice."

"Thank you," Janeway smiled. "Now what did you come to see me for?"

Seven stared blankly at her captain. "I...I don't know."

Janeway raised her eyebrows. "Were you here to ask me something?"

Seven remained silent.

"Were you going to show me a report?"

Seven continued staring at the captain without saying a word.

"Seven?...Seven!"

Slowly Seven's gaze focussed on Janeway's eyes. Then she inhaled sharply, stepped away from the desk and stated: "Your hairstyle is irrelevant."

"Oh," was Janeway's only reply.

"It is irrelevant. Your eyes are irrelevant, your skin is irrelevant, and your company is inefficient!" Seven continued.

The captain raised her eyebrows.

"Your voice is irrelevant!"

"I get the idea, Seven," replied Janeway icily.

"And inefficient!" Seven turned around and quickly walked out of the ready room. By the time she was half way across the bridge, she was running. She dashed into the turbolift.

All eyes of the bridge personnel were on the closed turbolift doors. Then their heads turned to the captain who was standing in the doorway to her ready room with a puzzled look on her face.

"What was that about?" asked Chakotay.

"I wish I knew..." The captain hit her combadge. "Janeway to the Doctor. Doctor can you please pay a visit to Seven. She behaved rather strangely just now. I want to make sure she is alright."

"Very well, I'm on my way."

"Janeway out."

------------***

"I think I get the point," the doctor tried.

As if she hadn't heard him, Seven continued: "That she falls in love with holograms is irrelevant!"

The doctor rolled his eyes. "Seven, who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?"

The constant stream of irrelevancies and inefficiencies came to a full stop.

"Unacceptable!"

"Well now!" said the Doctor, with his well-known brand of sarcasm. "I believe I will call this progress. We're on to another word."

"Unacceptable..." Seven stated softly one last time.

"There there," the doctor offered. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

He chose to ignore Seven's cold "No."

"Did you have a disagreement with the captain?"

"No I did not. I do not wish to discuss this further."

"Alright," the doctor said while standing up. "At least you seemed to have calmed down now. You know where to find me."

Seven lifted her eyebrows. "Of course."

----------***

The doctor always particularly enjoyed walking onto the bridge of Voyager. It was the epicentre of action on the ship and ever since he was the official Emergency Command Hologram he felt a sense of belonging.
Proudly he stepped out of the turbolift.

The captain turned around in her chair. "Ah, doctor. Report!"

"Seven seemed extremely upset, but she did not want to talk about it," the doctor began. "She kept repeating things about you of which she had the impression that they were either irrelevant or inefficient. Or both. These included your eventual but inevitable death, your eyelashes and your Velocity outfit."

"Oh? Curious, she said similar things to me in my ready room. Did I do something to aggravate her?" she asked to the people on the bridge in general.

Harry Kim answered: "I can't think of anything...Did you two have a fight just now?"

"No we did not." The captain frowned. "I told her that B'Elanna had styled my hair. She said it looked nice and the next thing I know she is telling me that my hairstyle is irrelevant, continuing with a list of other irrelevant features. I don't find this particularly funny Mr. Paris...and Chakotay, really...!"

Tom Paris was laughing out loud and Chakotay was showing off his dimples with a huge grin.

"Well can't you see what's going on here, captain?" Tom asked. "She's got the hots for you!"

Now Harry Kim started grinning too.

"I would appreciate it if you kept your little fantasies to yourself Mr. Paris," warned the captain, but she was unsuccessful in hiding the amusement in her voice.

"Actually,..." the doctor hesitated a moment. "Actually, I think Mr. Paris may be right."

"What?" chuckled Janeway.

"I asked Seven who she was trying to convince, herself or me. Only then did she seem to calm down, but she was still rather disoriented."

"Oh but really!" grinned Janeway.

"Captain," interrupted the steady voice of Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, "do not take this lightly. I tend to agree with the doctor."

"What?" The amusement in Janeway's voice was replaced by disbelief.

"Yeah, it sort of figures," said Harry.

And Tom: "The way she behaves around you..."

"Yes, it's rather obvious," added Chakotay.

"What?" said captain Janeway once more. Her irritation was evident in her voice. "Well gentlemen, I don't seem to share your sense of humour."

With that, she marched to her ready room. She added a cold: "You have the bridge Commander."

Chakotay glanced at Tuvok who raised his eyebrows. Chakotay raised his shoulders in response.

"I'm guessing she's going for a double espresso today..," said Tom.

----------***

Kathryn Janeway was working behind the console in Astrometrics. Seven, the Astrometrics officer, was standing next to her.
It was unusually quiet in the dimly lit room. During the last couple of days Janeway had successfully avoided being alone with Seven. Not that she believed a word of what her senior staff had been implying, mind you! But better to be safe than sorry.
Unfortunately they were about to manoeuvre her ship through an asteroid field and the course through this field had to be plotted out carefully. She needed Seven's expertise.

Janeway had started out by trying to engage Seven in their usual small talk, but after hearing everything being dismissed as irrelevant, the conversation had soon dried out.

Janeway's hands moved over the console in a brisk and resolute manner. Hiding her irritation had never been her strong point.

With one more touch on a button, the Astromectrics computer began processing a model of the asteroid field and a possible course through it.

"I think this route will prove to be the most safe and direct passage through." The computer beeped and Janeway reached over to the display button on the console, thereby accidentally brushing past Seven's elbow.

"Touch is irrelevant." Seven's voice was void of emotion. The very coldness in combination with the repeated message were slowly driving Janeway insane.

"I know, Seven." The captain tried her best to stay calm. The model was now displayed on the viewscreen in front of the two women. "I'm sorry. Now as I was saying..."

"Appologies are..."

*Snap* "Irrelevant!"

"No," Seven paused and turned her head to look at her captain. "Inefficient," she stated calmly.

Suddenly the huge room felt like a tiny closet. Janeway turned around and aimed her patent death-stare at Seven. Her presence seemed to fill every cubic millimetre of the Astrometrics Lab.
Seven felt that the nanoprobes in her spine were producing fascinating sensations. Her whole body was buzzing with energy and it was increasingly difficult to label the experience as 'irrelevant'.

"YOU, Miss Of Nine, have just crossed the line." Janeway banged one hand down on the console. To her dismay this did not seem to have the desired effect on Seven.(1) More drastic measures were called for. Janeway maintained eye-contact and purposefully stepped right into Seven's personal space.
Seven did not even consider stepping backwards. The nanoprobes in her stomach were currently performing highly interesting movements.

"If you are so intent on playing this little game of yours, I suggest you find another player. I'm out. I will transfer this work to Mr. Paris. You are to continue working on a model, give the results to commander Chakotay and afterwards I want you to report to sickbay for a serious conversation with the doctor. Is that understood?"

Seven was still gazing into Janeway's eyes. It was very intriguing how the whole room seemed to start spinning around them. A while ago Seven would have disliked such an obvious trick of the mind and would have dismissed it as an imperfection, but at this moment the movement of the room seemed to heighten her awareness of the captain's proximity, thereby increasing her own heart-rate.

Janeway got impatient. "Is that understood Seven!"

"Acceptable," was Seven's reply.

The captain was not sure that it was an answer to her question, but she realised she had reached a dead end in this conversation. She stepped back and intensified her stare for a moment. It was again without the desired effect, so she abruptly broke eye-contact and walked out of the Astrometrics Lab.

The absence of her captain seemed to pull Seven back into reality. She stood still for a few minutes, her hands clasped behind her back. It was a fact that the captain's many fantastic features were disruptive to Seven's efficiency. She was frequently distracted by the shiny red quality of Janeway's hair. One smile of Janeway made her memory malfunction. And contemplating the softness of her captain's skin made digestion of solid nutrition a near impossibility.
However, it had proven to be inefficient to fight the effect the captain had on her. Seven had given it her best try, but now she had to accept her imperfection in the matter. Besides, the captain herself had told her that partaking in pleasurable activities was a means to discovering her humanity.

"If inefficiency can't be avoided and pleasure is relevant, I shall seek to heighten the pleasure," Seven concluded.
Satisfied with the logical solution to this emotional problem, she returned her attention to her duties.

--------***

"I've instructed Seven to stop by after she has completed her work," said Janeway to the doctor. "I want you to explain to her that she cannot continue to behave like this."

"I'm a doctor, not a psychologist," protested the EMH.

Someone, please reprogram that algorithm! thought the captain.
She continued: "You are also her friend. And at the moment you seem to be the only one able to get through to her."

The doctor looked at the captain as if to question that statement.

"At least try..." Janeway pleaded. "Just talk to her. Try to make her see sense. I cannot work with her under these conditions."

"You have now come to the same conclusions as we have, captain?" the doctor asked.

"No I have not. Seven is simply trying to rebel against me, which is quite natural. But it has to end." For extra emphasis she added: "Now."

"I see what I can do."

"Thank you doctor. That's all I'm asking."

--------***

It was currently two thirds into the Gamma shift. Captain Janeway, who was supposed to be working on the Alpha shift in a few hours, was frustratingly awake. She blamed it on the high caffeine intake of the last couple of days.
To at least allow her body to have rest that was denied to her mind, the captain lay lazily in her comfortable chair. She was still wearing her uniform of the previous day, although she had taken off the red and black jacket. With her eyes closed she was listening to some early 22nd century Romantic Revival music.

Suddenly the loud chime of the door interrupted the soft sounds. There was only one person on this ship that had the nerve to visit the captain at this late hour, so it was no surprise when Seven stepped into the captain's quarters a moment later.

Janeway tried to see if she noticed any change in Seven's behaviour. She hoped the doctor's talk had had its effect.

It was best to start this conversation with an open mind. In a friendly tone, faking her surprise, Janeway said: "Seven? What can I do for you on this late hour?" stressing the last two words only ever so slightly.

Seven was straight to the point, "I wish to disagree with you."

The captain looked puzzled. "On what?"

"That is..." Seven paused a moment to find a more acceptable word, not wanting to disagree with the captain on a familiar subject. She finally settled on: "That is up to you."

Janeway stood up from her chair, and slowly walked over to Seven. "Now let me get this straight," the gestures her hands were making showed her growing irritation. Her eyes narrowed. "You wake me up in the middle of the night, to disagree with me on a subject of my choice?"

"That is correct," replied Seven, relieved that the captain understood her intentions.

"Have you been to sickbay, like I ordered you to do today?" Janeway asked.

Seven was pleased that the captain caught on to her idea. "I have not," she stated happily. Disagreeing with the captain would most certainly heighten her pleasure!

"I explicitly ordered you to do so, Seven. Now, I want you to go there immediately." The captain tried her best to stay calm.

"I will not."

"Oh yes you will. And for future reference: you will not come here in the middle of the night to have a disagreement with me, am I making myself clear?" Out of habit the captain moved into Seven's personal space to stress the gravity of the situation.

"No." The nanoprobes were indeed starting the now familiar and pleasant sensations in Seven's body.

"Alright," the captain's voice was dangerously low now. "Let me make it perfectly clear then. You are not, under any circumstance, to visit my quarters again. Do you understand?"

"No," replied Seven, whose nanoprobes were currently performing summersaults.

Janeway's death-stare gained full intensity. "Oh I think you do. I think you know full well what I am saying here and you will leave and report to sickbay this instant."

"I will not," replied Seven. The energy in her body was now reaching a dangerously high level. The closeness of the captain's body, radiating hot anger, was not helping. Seven required skin contact, now.

"You are dismissed Seven. Get out."

"No." Seven's heart did free-falls.

Janeway's voice was a whisper of anger. "Very well, I'll contact security then, shall I?" Her face was a mere centimetre away from Seven's.

"It is my understanding that it is not polite to talk with one's mouth full," stated Seven as calmly as circumstance permitted.

"What?" Janeway's hand reached for her combadge, but for some reason it never quite got there.

--------***

THE END