Behind
 

He gave her a little kiss on the cheek, then stood to leave.

"I'll see you later," Chakotay said. Janeway smiled.

"Bye," she said.

Chakotay left the mess hall, and snickering could be heard from the next table over.

"Aw, how cute," Paris said in a squeaky voice.

"Captain and Chakotay, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Kim said in an equally sqeaky voice. Janeway sighed.

Her sigh was cut off by the opening of the mess hall doors. Every head in the room turned. There was whispering. Seven of Nine had entered, wearing the Doctor's latest attempt at clothing. She was, as it was, wearing what looked like a 20th century "Hooters" waitress outfit, except the word "Hooters" had been replaced with the word "Voyager".

Daaamn, Janeway's brain said. Janeway blinked.

"Shut up," she said silently, under her breath.

She's hot! Janeway's brain continued. She sighed.

"So?"

Oh Mommy, I want! I want!

Janeway squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the image of Seven's breasts in that shirt. Not to mention her butt in those shorts. She failed, and opened her eyes.

She discovered, upon opening her eyes, that all the male eyes in the room were staring at Seven. And all the female eyes in the room were glaring at her.

What'd I do? Janeway asked her brain. Her brain shrugged.

Got me.

The eyes of the women in the mess hall all seemed to say "Hey, you're supposed to be on my side!" Ensign Wildman's, in particular, said "Bitch." Janeway flushed, turning her face down and pretending to eat the slop on her plate.

Seven left the mess hall after giving a medical case to Neelix. It took another minute or two for the men in the mess hall to remember to breath. Through her blush, Janeway heard Paris's voice softing murmuring:

"If Captain and Chakotay are sitting in a tree, then why is Janeway staring at Seven's booty?"

On the Bridge, later, Janeway sat. She fidgeted. Janeway's brain was filing its nails. Janeway thought. Yes, she and Chakotay were an item, sort of. It still pained her to admit it. After all, Chakotay wasn't always the best person to consider for a boyfriend.

You've got that right.

Janeway cast her eyes to her left, looking at Chakotay. He wasn't even really that cute.

You're really on the ball today, Janeway's brain said. I want a nice piece of ass, like Seven.

Janeway shush her brain, looking around the Bridge. Seven was standing behind her, so she had to do her best not to turn around. Paris was down at the helm, checking his hair in a small mirror. Janeway caught a glimpse of Seven in the mirror's reflection.

Yeah! She looks great in that new outfit. My compliments to the Doctor!

Did anyone ever tell you that you're incredibly preverted? Janeway asked her brain. Her brain smiled mischeviously.

Janeway went back to thinking about Chakotay, much to her brain's chagrin. In the past few years, his desirability as a potential boyfriend had continually dropped.

He sleeps with all those skanky alien chicks, her brain added. You're too good for him!

Maybe her brain had a point.

And why do you date a guy who keeps crashing your shuttlecraft? Those things aren't cheap!

Janeway frowned. Her brain really did have a point.

He's not exactly a safe person to date, her brain concluded.

You're right! Janeway high fived her brain.

So, go tell him what's what, her brain said.

Do I have to?

If you don't, I will, her brain threatened.

Oh, alright, Janeway sighed. She drummed her fingers for a moment, then turned to Chakotay.

"Commander, I need to speak with you," she said.

"Okay." He moved to stand up, but Janeway shook her head.

"Here is fine," she said.

That's a girl, embarass him on the Bridge, Janeway's brain said gleefully. In front of them, Paris changed the angle of his mirror to look behind him.

"Okay... what is it?" Chakotay spoke in a low voice, giving her the same expression that her dog used to give her when it caught her dancing in her underwear.

"It's about us," Janeway said, not quite softly enough. Her brain snickered.

"Oh?" Chakotay hunched a little closer, trying to ignore the curious stares of the Bridge crew. Paris had put the mirror down and had turned around to watch. Janeway stifled a sigh.

"Chakotay, I...." she hesitated. Janeway's brain gave her a shove.

"Yes?" Chakotay's expression was hopeful.

The dope thinks you're about to declare your love to him!

"I don't want to see you anymore!" Janeway yelped, lurching away from Chakotay. He fell out of his seat.

"W-what?!"

Janeway got to her feet, backing away slowly. "I don't want to see you anymore, Chakotay!"

Paris was laughing, loudly. Kim was blushing. Seven and Tuvok looked perplexed.

"Are you breaking up with me, Kathryn?" Chakotay asked, partially muffled by the carpet.

"We were never really going out," she admitted.

"But... but..." Chakotay couldn't think of a defense.

"Captain?"

Janeway blinked, looking to her left. Seven, in all her "Hooters" attire galore, stood up at the secondary security station. She was holding a padd.

"Yes, what, Seven?" Janeway saw Chakotay pull himself back into his seat.

"Would now be a bad time for me to deliver the Doctor's report on my new wardrobe?" Seven held out the padd.

Oh, yeah, I wanna see! I wanna see!

"No, now would be a great time, Seven," Janeway said. She took the padd and sat in her seat.

Janeway read the report. Much to the disappointment of her brain, the report was not illustrated.

What, no swimwear competition?

She had just gotten to the Doctor's in-depth description of the Saran Wrap used in one of Seven's new outfits, when she noticed that Chakotay leaning towards her. Very close. Seven cleared her throat.

Janeway pushed Chakotay back into his seat. "I mean it!"

Kick his ass! Her brain knocked over a chair and balled its hands into fists.

"But Kathryn!"

"It's not 'Kathryn', it's CAPTAIN from you, Mister!" Janeway shouted. Paris turned around quickly, still giggling. He pretended to make some course adjustments. Chakotay slunk down in his seat.

"Sorry," he said softly.

"You aught to be," Janeway snapped. Yeah, you interrupted our reading about Seven wearing Saran Wrap.

Janeway continued reading. Her brain got a bucket to hold its drool. Janeway had just gotten to another really interesting part (this one about Seven's undergarment), when she noticed something breathing on her neck. She made a face, determined to keep focused on the padd. But it was just too much.

"Chakotay!" Janeway screaming, throwing the padd at him. She jumped to her feet, ready to kick the crap out of her first officer.

"Oh, please Kathryn! Please please please!" Chakotay latched onto her leg.

"No! Chakotay--" Janeway gave a disgusted cry as she tried to shake Chakotay off her leg. "--get offa me!"

"Noooo, Kathryn! Please don't break up with me!"

"I'm gonna kill you if you don't let go of my pants!"

Chakotay seemed to consider this, but then shook his head. "No! I'd rather die than have you break up with me!"

"Have it your way!" Janeway reached for her phaser. Chakotay "eeped", and let go of her pants. Phaser still in hand, Janeway kicked Chakotay.

"Leave me alone! I said I don't want to see you anymore!" You tell him!

"But--but we still have to work together," Chakotay said meekly. He gave her a pleading look, kneeling at her feet. He touched her boots.

"Don't touch me!" Janeway backed up several feet. She threw the phaser at him, bouncing it off his forehead.

"Ow!"

"Captain, do you need assistance?" Seven called from the security station, sounding concerned.

"No, I can handle him on my own!" Janeway glared at Chakotay. "I think."

"I'll kick his ass if he hurts you," Seven assured her.

"Don't worry, there won't be any ass left to kick if he hurts me," Janeway wondered where her phaser had bounced off to.

Chakotay, apparently not hearing the threats coming from the female contingent of the room, had gotten to his feet, and was creeping toward Janeway. The Captain had been briefly distracted by looking at Seven.

Man, we need to put a Hooters on Voyager. How about remodeling the Mess Hall? Janeway's brain stared lecherously. She turned back to Chakotay. Aw, I don't want to look at him! Look at Seven!

"You know I won't hurt you, Kathryn," Chakotay said in a somewhat scary voice, his hands raised and reaching toward Janeway possessively.

"Get away! Get away!" Janeway shrieked, back up several more feet. She was almost to the steps for the main level. Run! Run! Janeway's brain cried. Get away from him! He's gonna hurt you, and then you won't be able to look at Seven!

"Kathryn--"

"Aaaiii!!" Janeway ran off the Bridge screaming.

"Captain?" Seven moved to follow.

"Oh no you don't!" Chakotay shouted. Using his seat as a launching pad, he jumped over the railing and tackled Seven. Chakotay got back to his feet and ran after Janeway.

"Kathryn, come back!" he called.

Seven got to get feet, ruining Kim's great view. "I'll get this situation under control, Commander," she said to Tuvok as she ran off the Bridge.

"Whatever," Tuvok sighed. He went and sat down in the Captain's seat.

"How come me and B'Elanna don't have great fights like that anymore?" Paris wondered.

"She has you trained," Kim snickered.

Running as quickly as her high heels and short legs would carry her, Janeway fled the Bridge. She wondered where to run to.

"Think, brain, think!"

I don't know! All I know is to get away!

"Some help you are!" Janeway continued running, hearing Chakotay clamboring down the hall after her. "Geez, doesn't he ever give up?"

I think its some Indian thing. Never give up, and never surrender.

Chakotay was gaining on her, having been more used to running away from stuff. Irate alien women, mostly.

"Computer! Erect a forefield! Keep Commander Chakotay away from me!"

There was a chirp, and in a flash of light Chakotay ran head first into the forcefield.

"Ow!"

Janeway stood on the other side, panting loudly as she caught her breath. Much to her surprise, Seven appeared about a dozen paces after Chakotay. He was rubbing his forehead, and seemed quite alarmed to find that Seven had him cornered.

"Leave Captain Janeway alone!" Seven said in a stern voice.

"Yeah!" Janeway said from the other side of the forcefield. Now there's a real show of the Captain's strength.

"I--um--" Chakotay looked at Seven, and then at Janeway. "You can't stop me from being with the Captain, Seven!"

"She doesn't want you," Seven sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. Janeway's brain reeled.

Uncross your arms, dammit!

Seven kept her arms crossed firmly, completely blocking out the word "Voyager" on her chest. Bangs its fists in frustration, Janeway's brain nearly left a dent in her skull.

That's it! I'm leaving!

Janeway heard the sound of footsteps echoing through her head, and then the sound of doors swishing open and shut.

"Uh oh," Janeway said softly.

Chakotay was backed up against the forcefield, trying to keep away from Seven.

"Computer, lower the forcefield!" Chakotay cried.

"Unable to comply," the computer droned.

"Computer, lower the forcefield or I'll reprogram your voice to sound like Neelix!"

There was a pause, and then a affirming chirp as the forcefield lowered.

"Shoot!" Janeway said, and resumed running.

"Come back here!" Chakotay cried, resuming persuit.

"Captain, I'll save you!" Seven said dramatically, running after Chakotay.

Janeway ran and ran, trying every tactic that she could think of to get rid of Chakotay. Seven was only a few paces behind him, her Hooter's style top barely able to keep up.

Somewhere down on Deck 14, after running past those members of the crew who hadn't had shore leave since the incident with the Kazons, Janeway ran into a dead end.

"Dammit, I thought I had learned the decks better!" Thudding behind her announced the arrival of Chakotay and Seven. Janeway turned around, facing Chakotay. He was leering and drooling.

"Please, Kathryn!" he gave her a pleading look. "Please don't break up with me." He tried to move forward, but Seven had him in a strangle hold.

"Chakotay, why can't you get it through your thick skull that I don't want you anymore? I don't even want you on my ship!"

"You're just in denial!" Chakotay said, struggling against Seven's powerful kung-fu grip.

"What do you want me to do with him, Captain?" Seven asked.

"Killing him would be nice, right about now," Janeway admitted, still backed against the wall. Chakotay's feet wiggled.

"No! Please! I'll leave you alone, I promise!"

"Fibber!" Janeway hissed. She put her hands on her hips. "Do it, Seven!"

Seven let go of Chakotay and pushed him to the carpet. From somewhere in her uniform, Seven pulled out a phaser. She looked at Janeway, smiled, and fired at Chakotay. He was reduced to a bit of dust on the carpet.

"Oops," Seven looked at the dust. "Was I really supposed to kill him?"

"Well..." Janeway toed the pile. "We'll just say that the phaser was accidentally set on kill."

"Right."

"Give me a hug, Seven!" Janeway said dramatically. Seven pulled Janeway into her arms, accidentally pushing Janeway's face into her chest.

"Is this good, Captain?"

"Um, yes," Janeway's voice was muffled. "But Seven, your hands are on my butt."

"Should I move them?"

"Not yet," Janeway pulled her face back a little. "And Seven?"

"Yes?"

"I need to talk to you about the Doctor's change in your wardrobe."

"Is there something wrong with it?" Seven sounded concerned. Janeway smiled, liking the way Seven's chest vibrated when she talked.

"Oh, no," Janeway shook her head slightly. "It's just that Saran Wrap gives me a rash..."