Coffee, She, and Me
 

It was a quiet day on Voyager. Seven had been confined to Astrometrics for advancing on an alien diplomat a few days earlier (she had been carrying a phaser rifle while advancing), and so there was relative peace.

That is, until the coffee ran out.

Captain Janeway was sitting on the Bridge. Things were beeping quietly, as was usual. Harry Kim was fidgeting, which was also normal. Tuvok looked blank, Chakotay looked falsely pensive, and Janeway looked hungry. Or thirsty, whichever. Paris was sitting at his console, pushing buttons and saying "oops" occasionally. Janeway drummed her fingers on the arm of her chair.

"Torres to Janeway," came the Chief Engineer's annoyed voice over her commbadge.

"Janeway here," she said, still drumming her fingers.

"Could you please stop, Captain?"

"Stop what?"

"Drumming your fingers. It's making the warp core rattle."

"Oh. My bad." Janeway put her hands in her lap.

"Thank you. Torres out."

A moment went by.

"Hey! Wait a minute! I'm the Captain!" Janeway cried. "I can do whatever I want to!"

"Huh?" Chakotay looked at her in confusion.

"Quit trying to pretend you know what's going on," Janeway growled.

"Okee doke," Chakotay said and returned to looking pensive. Janeway sighed and clenched her hands on the arms of her chair.

"This is ridiculous."

"What is?" Chakotay asked, never breaking his expression.

"I'm bored and restless and stuff," Janeway said. She smacked her hands on the chair arms, not caring what it did to the warp core.

"I would suggest getting some coffee, Captain," Tuvok said evenly. Janeway whirled around and looked him.

"That's a wonderful idea, Tuvok," she said. "Perfect idea."

"I could have thought of that," Paris said from his seat. "Oops, wrong button."

"I could have too," added Chakotay.

"Me three," Kim put in.

"Will you shut up? Quit trying to impress me."

"Just go get your coffee, Captain," Tuvok said.

"That I'll do," Janeway nodded, and left. After a moment, Chakotay cleared his throat.

"Won't caffeine make her more hyper than she already is?" he wondered.

"She's out of my hair, what do I care?" Tuvok glared down at the Commander.

"You don't have any hair," Chakotay glared back.

"Oops," muttered Paris.

Janeway strode down the corridors, knocking over people just for the fun of it. She was about halfway to the Mess Hall when her commbadge chirped again.

"Now what Torres?!" Janeway shouted, causing a nearby ensign to throw herself into a wall.

"This is not Lt. Torres," Seven of Nine responded in confusion. "Would you like me to patch you to her?"

"No thank you," Janeway snorted, coming to a stop. "What do you want, Seven?"

"I'm bored, Captain," Seven said, her voice turning into a whine. Janeway sighed.

"Now Seven, you know I locked you up in there for your own good," she responded. Seven didn't seem convinced. Or if she was, she was deciding on putting up a fight anyhow.

"But I'm really bored. There is nothing to do here in Astrometrics."

"That lab was your baby," Janeway said. "And no you can't find anything to do in there?"

"No," Seven replied stubbornly.

"Why don't you rechart our course home?" Janeway suggested.

"I've already done that."

Janeway sighed again. "Well Seven, I'm sorry, but you have to stay in there a few more days. I have a date with the coffee maker, so I'll talk to you later. Janeway out." She cut off the line before Seven could protest, and then continued on her way.

"The coffee is more important than my well being, is it?" Seven said thoughtfully after the line closed. "I will have to remedy that."

Janeway entered the Mess Hall. There was the usual mess hall rush that always seemed to be present no matter what the hour.

"Don't you have a job?" Janeway asked the old greying hair black guy who was always there. He just shrugged, refusing to speak lest he perish quickly. Janeway went to the counter.

"Now, I talk, but I'm not dead," Neelix observed as the old guy scurried to a table. "I wonder why that is."

"Because you hold the key to my happiness," Janeway said, leaning on the counter.

"I do?" Neelix beamed. "What is that, anyways?"

"Coffee," Janeway replied.

"Oh yes," Neelix nodded. He paused. "We don't have any."

"What?!" Janeway stumbled even though she was standing still. "What do you mean that you don't have any coffee?"

"Uh, well, we don't have any in here," Neelix said slowly.

"Where is coffee?" Janeway demanded to know. Neelix swallowed.

"I'm not supposed to tell."

"Then I'll kill you!"

"I can't tell you if I'm dead!" Neelix cried, putting his hands up in defense.

"You won't tell me anyways, so what's the difference?" Janeway glowered at the furry little man, and put her hands on her hips.

"Alright, alright!" Neelix said, putting his hands down. "Seven has the coffee!"

"Seven?"

"Yes," he nodded. "She had me beam it all to the Astrometrics lab. Something about counting the beans."

"That little.. twerp!" Janeway stomped her foot. "I'll kill her!"

"As long as it's not me!" Neelix grinned. Janeway glared at him and the smile withered. He crawled underneath the counter and waited for Janeway to leave. He didn't have to wait long, because the Captain stormed out and was practically running down the halls to the Astrometrics Lab.

She finally banged on the door.

"Seven! I'll kill you! Now give me back my coffee!"

"I can't," Seven said lamely through the door.

"What do you mean you can't?"

"The door's locked."

"Dammit, you're right," Janeway sighed. "Computer, unlock the Astrometrics door."

"The Astrometrics doors will only be opened with the Captain's authorization," the Computer droned.

"I am the Captain!" Janeway shouted. She heard a snicker from the Computer. "Let me in, dammit!"

"Nope," the Computer said. "Sorry, I have to be yelled at by Torres." There was a beep. Janeway growled in frustration. She turned to the door and gave it a kick.

"Ow!" Janeway hopped around for a moment. "Stupid door."

"Don't hurt yourself, Captain," Seven said through the door. Janeway clawed at the door.

"I'll break this door down if I have to!" she shouted at Seven.

"You really need to do something about your coffee dependancy," the former Borg retorted.

"It's not a dependancy, it's a way of living," Janeway shot back, digging her nails into the door. She gave the door another kick and gritted her teeth. "I need coffee really really bad!"

"Really bad?"

"Really really really really rilly bad!" Janeway moaned, dragging her nails down the door. She kneeled in front of the door and slapped her palms on it. Seven chuckled on the other side of the door.

"Why don't you use a hairpin then?" she suggested.

"What?"

"To break the lock..."

"It's a computer lock!" Janeway shouted.

"So? Jab it into something and deactivate it."

Janeway panted, "That might work. There's just one problem."

"What's that?"

"I don't have any hairpins."

"I'll slide one of mine under the door," Seven offered.

"Why are you being so damned helped *now*?" Janeway wondered.

"No reason," Seven said. She pulled a pin from her hair and pushed it under the door.

"Got it." Janeway wiggled her fingers and carefully aimed the hairpin at the door console. There was a beep, and the doors unlocked. "Yes! It worked."

"Can I have my hairpin back now?" Seven asked, holding up her bangs. "I kinda need it."

"You should have thought of that beforehand," Janeway muttered. "But I'll deliver it in person."

"You will..?"

The doors to Astrometrics opened.

"Yes, I will," Janeway said, and slugged Seven.

When the Borgette regained consciousness a minute or two later, Janeway was looking around Astrometrics.

"I didn't realize the ship had this much coffee," she said.

"Neither did I," Seven replied.

"But now I can reclaim it," Janeway said happily. She picked up a box and started for the doors. They didn't open. "Dammit, now what?"

"The doors relocked when you entered the room," Seven said drily.

"I realize that," Janeway snapped. "Now what am I going to do?"

"Suck on coffee beans, I suppose," Seven said. Janeway looked at her.

"Is there a coffee maker in here somewhere?"

"I am not sure... although if you adjust some of the settings on my implants I may be able to act as a substitute coffee maker."

Janeway gaped at Seven. "You can't be serious."

"I am, Captain," Seven replied.

"Seven, have you been sampling any of this coffee, by chance?" Janeway asked her. Seven shrugged.

"It took a few minutes for you to get down here."

"Good lord... no wonder you're acting so weird."

"Well, Captain?"

"How about I just have a coffee maker beamed in here?" Janeway suggested.

"Why don't you just have yourself and the coffee beamed out?" Seven wondered. Janeway looked thoughtful.

"That would be too easy. And anyways, you need to be thought the finer lessons of coffee."

"There are lessons to coffee?"

"Well... lessons learned after drinking several cups of it," Janeway said evenly. Seven nodded her consent. Janeway had the coffee maker beamed in.

Several mugs each of coffee later, Janeway and Seven were sitting on the Astrometrics consoles. Janeway coughed and then started laughing.

"You're gonna be all bloated after drinking all this coffee," Janeway giggled.

"That's too bad," Seven sighed and shook her head. She downed part of another mug. "This stuff tastes terrible. Like some vile thing Neelix would make."

"But it's addictive, isn't it?" Janeway grinned. Seven nodded in agreement.

"Very," she assented. "Just like you."

"Like me?"

"You're very addictive, Captain," Seven admitted with a faint blush.

"Well.. thank you Seven," she smiled. Seven hiccupped, and Janeway continued laughing. After a few minutes she regained enough composure to look thoughtful and get herself more coffee.

"Oh Seven," Janeway sighed. "Why don't you ever let your hair down? I'm sure you have lovely hair."

"It's inefficient," Seven explained.

"Fuck inefficiency, I want to see you with your hair down some time before I die," Janeway set the coffee pot down.

"You can be quite demanding at times, Captain," Seven replied.

"Well thank you Seven," Janeway smiled. She leaned over and tugged out a hairpin. Seven's bangs fell forward again. The Captain giggled. "Pretty bangs.. let's see the rest of it, hmm?"

"As you wish." Seven set her mug down and began tugging out hairpins. After a few minutes all the pins were on the floor, and Seven's long blonde hair was tumbling over her shoulders. Janeway gazed adoringly.

"Very pretty hair, Seven," she said, and sipped her coffee.

Seven flushed again. "Thank you, Captain."

Janeway squinted. "Can I braid it?"

"You just told me to take it down, and now you want it up again?"

"Not up, just braided," Janeway protested. Seven looked thoughtful, and the nodded with a smile. Janeway hopped off the console and sat down on the floor. "Come sit in my lap."

"Captain!"

"Alright, alright, sit in front of me then."

Several hours passed by before the doors to Astrometrics were unlocked. What the door openers found when they came in was a bit of a surprise. There were several bags and boxes of coffee littered around the room, and curled up behind a console and next to an open box were Janeway and Seven. The coffee maker and two empty coffee mugs were nearby. A few brown puddles were scattered on the floor.

Seven was curled up in Janeway's arms. The older woman's hair was slightly ruffled, but Seven's was neatly braided (aside from a few loose strands, that is). There were coffee stains on what was still intact of Seven's clothing. She was snoring lightly, and Janeway had a faint smile on her lips.

"Should we leave them like this?"

"I don't know..."

"Damn, I didn't know we had this much coffee on the ship."

"Me neither. Let's just take the coffee and go."

"Good idea."

The 'intruders' took the coffee back to the Mess Hall. They let Janeway and Seven peacefully sleep off the rest of their coffee hangover. And calm was restored, for a little while, on Voyager.

End