Having a Headache
 

My head hurts. It always does, lately. I would go to the Doctor, but I'm afraid to. I know what he'll tell me, and I don't need to hear it again from him. He'll tell me that I need to regenerate more, or not to eat foods that disagree with me, or something else like that. I don't need to listen to a hologram. Not now at least. Right now I don't need to listen to anyone, because if I do it feels like my head might crack open. A strange feeling, doubtless.

Truthfully, there is only one thing that could possibly make my headache go away.

Her name is Kathryn.

I can't call her that, of course, because it goes past the limits of protocol. But if she asked me to, I might. The way she looks at me... it is different. She used to look at me like some sort of prize, her own personal project. The look has evolved though. She gets mad with me now, something she never did at first. I think I like it when she gets mad. Her face flushes fractionally and I can't help but wonder if she wants to slap me. I've wanted to slap her before, but I'm not sure where that impluse came from.

When she isn't mad, there's a look of extreme peace to her. It is strange, thinking of her nature. By that nature she is a powerful woman, very thoughtful. She tends to be open and sincere, and I know that if I need someone to talk to, she is the only person to fill that job.

How I long to talk with her right now.

But right now I can't, because she's locked herself into her ready room. She's admitting no one, not me or Tuvok or even Commander Chakotay. It bothers me, and I can't help but think that it might be the source of my headache. The headache is quite painful sometimes, it sits behind my ears and feels as if it is trying to rip the back of my head off. Ensign Kim suggested that it might be because my hair is pulled up too tight, but I tested the theory by letting it down while regenerating. It didn't help any.

So now I'm sitting here, quite alone in the silence of Astrometrics. The star map glows placidly on the main monitor, but I don't look at it. I am sitting on the floor, leaning on a console. The postition, for now, is more comforting than standing. I have my eyes closed, and I'm breathing slowly. I feel.. I feel like I'm waiting for something. I'm not sure what.

Time passes, marked by the faint chimes from the computer. The hourly notice was Lt. Paris's idea. I find it vaguely annoying. It is an overly cheery noise, and truthfully doesn't belong on the ship. The ship is never cheery, unless Neelix is throwing one of his parties. Or if there is a new holodeck program. Myself, I favor Captain Janeway's DaVinci program. It is crude, but like the Captain said it is a welcome change from Cargo Bay 2.

I don't know how long it has been--I've only been fully aware for three chimes of the computer--when the commbadge I'd left on the console chirps. I sigh briefly, and then retrieve the commbadge.

"Janeway to Seven of Nine."

Immediately I am brought from me slight stupor. The Captain's voice is soft, subdued. She sounds troubled. I wonder if it is my own doing, or someone elses.

I activate the commbadge. "This is Seven."

"Seven, is something wrong?"

I blink. "Why would anything be wrong?"

"You hailed me earlier while I wasn't accepting visitors.. and the computer tells me that you've been in the Astrometrics Lab nearly all day."

I smile mirthlessly. "I am always in Astrometrics."

"True... but I figured there must have been some sort of problem. Otherwise you wouldn't have hailed me."

"I am sorry, Captain. It was in error."

"I know you fairly well by now, Seven, so you aren't fooling me. But if you don't want to talk to me, that's alright. I can understand."

"Thank you, Captain."

"Janeway out."

The link is closed, and I look down at the commbadge in my hand. I frown slightly, wondering what had just transpired. Was it a matter of importance? Why did I back down from talking to her? I had the chance.. I needed the chance. What a coward I am.

My head hurts more now than ever.