Janeway and Seven Do TV
)) Channel 2 ((
Janeway: Welcome to "Janeway's World", where you do what I say right the first
time or you get decompressed with the rest of cargo bay two!
Seven: But Captain, that's my room!
Janeway: (grins) Then you can stay with me.
<
)) Channel 5 ((
Seven: Add some slat, but not too much. And not too little either.
Janeway: Shouldn't you use a measuring spoon?
Seven: Measuring spoons are irrelevent.
Janeway: Okay.
Seven: Next, add some ginger.
Janeway: Ginger? In chocolate chip cookies? Shouldn't you use a recipe?
Seven: Recipes are irrelevent too.
<
)) Channel 7 ((
Seven: And this is Seven of Nine for Channel 7 new. I'm here live at the
Oktoberfest in Holodeck One.
Janeway: In a few minutes we're going to be listening to the lively sounds of
Chakotay's Spanish Polka Band.
Seven: I believe I am going to be sick.
Janeway: Oh come on, the music isn't that bad.
Seven: No, the curvy roads driving up here finally caught up with me.
Janeway: Oh. Could've been the polish sausage too.
Seven: Urrr...
(Seven runs off.)
Janeway: Hmm. Well, here's Chakotay now. Let's talk to him.
Chakotay: Hi Kathryn.
Janeway: Hello Chakotay.
Chakotay: Where's Seven? I thought she was your news partner.
Janeway: She is. She just... had to make a pit stop.
Chakotay: Ah. I see, curvy roads?
Janeway: Yep.
Chakotay Have you tried the Polish sausage yet?
Janeway: No... but I think Seven did.
Chakotay: Oooh.
<
)) Channel 10 ((
Janeway: Welcome to the Deep Space World of Captain Janeway. Today we will be
observing the habits of a half Klingon in space.
Torres: AAAAARGH! Tom! What did you do to my hair dryer?!
Janeway: See how easily the half-Klingon impales her prey on a curling iron.
Such grace, such beauty. So much blood.
<
)) Channel 11 ((
Seven: Welcome to Voyager Public Access Channel 11. We will now resume our
"Countdown to Earth" music fest. Captain, you may continue.
Janeway: Thank you Seven. (clears throat) 59,738 light years left to travel,
59,738 light years. If a crew member's sanity happens to unravel, 59,737 light
years left to travel.
<
)) Channel 13 ((
(Spanish Polka Music Plays)
(Janeway walks down the street. She passes Chakotay, who looks at her lustily.
Janeway keeps walking, and Chakotay frowns. Janeway walks up to a table where
Seven is sitting, eating tacos.)
Janeway: Pssst.
Seven: Hmm?
Janeway: Yo quiero InflataBorg.
(Corny music plays.)
Kim: Hi everybody! Welcome back to "Neelix and Friends"!
Neelix: I love to cook, you hate to eat..
(The doors burst open, and Janeway and Seven are standing there with phaser
rifles.)
Janeway: Nobody move!
Neelix: Uh, Captain?
Seven: You moved!
(Seven vaporizes Neelix.)
Kim: Yay! I'm free!
Janeway: Seven, that was my shot!
Seven: Sorry, my bad.
<
)) Channel 14 ((
Doc: And now, the real father of Seska's child is-
Janeway: We interrupt your daily soap for a special news flash: Seven of Nine in
an apparent borg influenced rage, has turned into a giant blowup doll. Sources
on the ship are scrambling to find enough spandex to cover her. Now to the
scene--
<
)) Channel 16 ((
Janeway: Well, we caught that big trout ealier today using live bait, but were
out of Neelix now. So I think we'll use some lures. What you think, Se'n?
Seven: I reckon it sounds good to me.
Janeway: Eeah. I think we'll use the little blue plastic worms.
Seven: Those'r good for hunting for striped dingofish.
Janeway: Those sure do make up a nice dinner. Get'm fileted and battered and
that's good eating.
<
)) Channel 18 ((
(Spanish polka plays again.)
(Janeway and Seven are playing Velocity. Janeway beats Seven with a daring shot,
and Seven throws her phaser down in annoyance.)
Seven: Damn!
Janeway: Oh come on Seven, it's just a game.
Seven: To you maybe. You really are frustrating.
Janeway: I'm sorry Seven. Sometimes I wonder if you'll ever get me.
Seven: Oh, I *will* get you Captain.
(Seven pushes Janewat against the wall and kisses her hard.)
**Poof**
(Janeway blinks and then looks around the bridge. She smiles sheepishly.)
Janeway: What did you think I dream about, Chakotay?
<
)) Channel 7 ((
(Spanish Polka music plays.)
(Seven returns.)
Seven: Awww.. that music really is bad!
Janeway: Have a heart, Seven.
Seven: I did.. didn't get me too far.
Janeway: That's true.
Seven: I'll meet you back at the hotel.
Janeway: Yeah...
Seven: I'll have a bubble bath made up for you.
Janeway: Sounds like an invitation.
Seven: Could be.
<
)) Channel 11 ((
Janeway: 59,724 light years left to travel, 59,724 light years. If a crew
member's sanity happens to unravel, 59,723 light years left to travel. 59,723
light years left to travel, 59,723 light years. If a crew member's sanity
happens to unravel, 59,722 light years left to travel.
Seven: Thank you, Captain. And now a word from our sponsor.
(Corny muzik plays.)
Janeway: New! From the makers of "Cheeze in a Gopher" comes "Creme Cheeze in a
Fish". Its all the --
<
)) Channel 13 ((
Kim: I'm free! I'm free!
Janeway: Harry! Quit prancing around!
(Seven vaporzies Kim.)
Janeway: Dammit, quit taking my shot Seven!
Seven: Sorry. Lets see.. how about you shoot Chakotay?
Janeway: Hmm... ooh Chakotay!
(Chakotay runs in.)
Chakotay: Yes?
Janeway: Aren't you sick of that tattoo?
Chakotay: Umm.. well... maybe?
Seven: I heard of a great new way to have tattoos removed.
Chakotay: You did?
Janeway: Yeah.
Chakotay: Cool! But, um... why are you guys carrying phaser rifles?
Janeway: No reason. So, wanna try it?
Chakotay: I, uh... I guess so.
Janeway: Good boy.
(Janeway vaporizes Chakotay.)
Seven: Nice shot.
Janeway: Thanks.
<
)) Channel 14 ((
Janeway: Chakotay! I can't believe you!
Chakotay: But I didn't sleep with Seska, honest!
Janeway: Oh, suuuure you didn't. Then why is that kid so ugly?
Seska: And why does he have your tattoo?
Chakotay: I don't know!
Janeway: I can't believe I was ever interested in you, Chakotay.
Chakotay: But Captain!
Janeway: No buts! Except Seven's maybe.
Chakotay: What?
Janeway: I'm leaving you for Seven.
Seska: Wicked.
Chakotay: I can't believe this!
Seska: Neither can I, but I can't blame her.
Chakotay: Aren't you supposed to be dead?
Seska: Maybe.
Janeway: Seven! Come over here.
Seven: Yes Captain?
Janeway: Wanna go play on the holodeck.
Seven: Su-ow! Captain!
Janeway: Yessss?
Seven: Did you pinch my butt?
Janeway: I might've. You'll have to go to the holodeck to find out.
Seven: Okee doke.
<
)) Channel 16 ((
Janeway: Damn, that's a big fish you got there Se'n.
Seven: Yeah it is Cap'n.
Janeway: What you think we should do with it?
Seven: Throw it back, I guess.
Janeway: Yeah, that's what you usually do with fish.
Seven: Yep.
Janeway: I wonder if its a boy fish or a girl fish.
Seven: Can't really tell, now can you.
Janeway: We could squeeze it.
Seven: What'd that do?
Janeway: I dunno, but I've always thought it might be neat to squeeze a fish.
**CLICK**
Naomi Wildman: Man, they weren't kidding when they said that TV was bad for me.
The End