What Love Has Made of Me
 

She awoke slowly, her eyes quickly adjusting to the dark. It was unusually dark, to be honest. Seven of Nine yawn slightly and glanced at the clock. She was puzzled when the green glowing numbers weren�t there. Looking over her other shoulder she saw a red display: 0540. Seven groaned a bit, fumbled around for the lights. A dim one came on and illuminated an old fashioned calendar. She squinted to read the date.

June 22. 2381

She huffed a little and flopped down on the pillow. Just another day. Her eyes slid shut, ignoring the fact that the light was still on. Her breathing slowly, and then paused.

June 22. 2381

There was something important about today, wasn�t there... she yawned. But wasn�t it December?

Her eyes popped back open, and she sat up quickly.

"Oh god," Seven whispered. She looked around. It was all wrong. She was supposed to be in their room in the farmhouse. Not in their old quarters. Seven swallowed and thought hard. What it the day before or after?

Before, the motion next to her in the bed said. Seven looked over. Kathryn was there, asleep. Seven put a hand over her mouth to quiet the choked sob that clenched her throat.

It was the day before Kathryn died.

 

***

Seven slipped out of bed and pulled a robe over her trembling shoulders. She turned the light off and padded quietly into the bathroom. The door clicked shut behind her, and Seven turned the light on. She looked into the mirror, worriedly rubbing the side of her face.

"This is a dream. It has to be, what else could it be?"Seven looked critically at her reflection. "How can I tell if it is or isn�t?" After a moment�s thought she slipped her robe off, and pulled up the sleeve of her robe. The usual implants, minus one. Her breath caught. The projector was missing.

"I�m alive," her voice said dully. "But how.." Seven bent down and picked up her robe. She stopped and looked at her foot. The scar she had gotten three years after Kathryn�s death wasn�t there. In a dream she wouldn�t have remembered such a detail.

"What am I going to do?" Seven asked her reflection. The reverse of herself didn�t know either, apparently. It wore the same overwhelmed expression. She noticed that the hair tumbling to her shoulders was shorter that she remembered it being.

Seven turned from the mirror. "I have a day before she dies. What do I do..." She had two choices. Save her or don�t save her. Change the future or leave it be. But even if she let her die, the future wouldn�t end up the same. At least she didn�t think so. Seven had finished her grieving several months ago, when she�d been reunited with Kathryn on Holodeck One. Only that was forty years in the future. She was changed, a different person.

Seven didn�t want to die again, didn�t want to have to go through Kathryn dying again. Feeling her slipping away... the vague clench of her hand. She didn�t want to hear the sad final trilling of the tricorder that the Doctor would hold... didn�t want to go to the Bridge and make the fatal announcement... to see the damage on the Bridge. She didn�t want to have to raise Marija on her own again. Didn�t want to have to reopen the pain of Kathryn�s death that had been diminished by certain indescribable twists of fate.

"I have a day to decide," Seven told herself quietly, tangling her fingers in the belt of the robe. "I�ll decide tomorrow night." Maybe take the time to enjoy being alive again... it felt differently than she remembered. She felt sweaty even though the room was kept at a low temperature.

Seven left the bathroom and returned to the bed. She sat for a moment, listening. The clock said 0551. Kathryn would be waking up soon. She had already been awake, listening to Kathryn breathing. Enjoying the quiet. Seven had pretended to be asleep when Kathryn woke up, let her shake her and then hit her with the pillow to wake her up. She always did. Still did. But just before Kathryn had woken up.. something else..

"Moma," came a soft whisper. Seven looked down. Marija stood there in her pajamas, sleepy eyes blinking. The voice seemed to echo. She knew what Marija, still just a little girl, would ask. Seeing her so young again startled Seven.

"Yes, dear?" her voice was an echo too. She�d said these things before. "What is it?"

"Can I have waffles for breakfast?"

Seven laughed softly. It sounded morbid in her ears. "Yes you can. But can�t you wait until morning for that?"

"I just wanted to make sure."

"Well, you can," Seven smiled. "Now go back to bed. You don�t have to wake up for another hour."

"Okay, Moma." Marija scuffed back to her room. Seven heard the door swish shut behind her. With a slight sigh she laid back down and waited for Kathryn to awaken.

 

*****

It took some getting used to, but Seven was learning to ignore the way everyone�s voice seemed to echo. Only when she said something that she hadn�t the first time did her voice sound emptier.

"Good morning, Seven," Neelix said cheerfully.

"Good morning, Neelix."

"I had quite a time with your daughter this morning," he continued in his happy voice.

She already knew this. "Did you?" Something about the waffles.

"Yes. We went through four different types of waffles before getting to one she liked." He smiled and she returned it. "She always has been a picky little kid."

"Must get it from her mother."

Neelix laughed at the joke. "Mm, yes. Now I hope you are a bit more decisive."

"When have I ever been not?"

"Oh, I�m sure I could think of a time or two."

"Perhaps." Seven thought. She originally had eaten three blueberry pancakes for breakfast. She wondered if eating something else would change things. "Just some toast, Neelix." Her stomach didn�t feel like it wanted pancakes this time.

"All right. How about wheat toast? I baked a few nice fresh loaves this morning."

"Sounds good."

Neelix nodded and smiled again, bustling about behind the counter. She waited for him to drop the bowl of blueberries. Even though she was expecting it Seven still jumped a little when he dropped the bowl. Felt better not to mess with things too much.

"Oh dear, that�s the second time I�ve dropped them this morning," Neelix said. He looked at her. "Seven, you really should relax. A bowl of blueberries is nothing to jump over."

"I was not expecting it." A lie this time. The first time it had been--she had been looking at something else when it dropped. The clatter had surprised her.

Going through the day was a bit more boring the second time. She did the reports, ate the lunch, talked to the crew. Did it all precisely as she had the first time. She picked up Marija from daycare and had taken her to the Wildman�s for dinner, and then went to eat dinner with Kathryn. Although Kathryn was busy on duty and couldn�t join her for the meal. Seven ate alone again, the food leaving as little a mark on her as it had originally. She repeatedly had to resist telling people things that she knew were going to happen. She also had to resist insisting that Kathryn eat what might be her final dinner with her.

Seven sat in the mess hall, her empty plate in front of her. Alex Chakotay was coaxing her children through what was admittedly an unlikeable meal. Amanda had her hands clamped over her mouth and was shaking her head. Seven wanted to tell her that someday she�d have kids of her own. Three--two sons and a daughter. She wanted to tell Amanda that she�d almost lose her daughter, if it wasn�t her. But Amanda couldn�t know. It wasn�t the right thing to do, and besides that might not even happen now.

Things were happening exactly as Seven remembered. The ship jounced slightly as it had before at 1854. The shake had been caused by something in their passing of a nebula. Something in the jounce would dis-align something else that would cause the explosion on the Bridge the next day. But the people around her wouldn�t figure that out for almost two weeks. It was too slight a thing to be remembered at first.

Seven waited for things to happen. While she waited she thought. Considered the consequences of what would happen if she tried to stop Kathryn�s death. She could see it in her mind�s eye. Kathryn wouldn�t die. They would raise Marija, grow old together. Watch Marija get married, maybe or maybe not to Aaron. Have kids that wouldn�t be Jason or Max. Grow older, die eventually. Unless something else happened in the meantime.

If she let Kathryn die.. two things probably would happen. Seven could go through the grieving again, and kill herself with the comfort and knowledge that in all likelihood she would be revived in 2421. Or Seven could grieve, carry on, and not kill herself. Kathryn might or might not reappear, and even if she did... Seven would either be old or dead by 2421. All options led to eventual death.

I think I was wrong, I think you were right
All my angry words will keep me up at night
Through the old screen door I still hear you say,
"Honey, won't you stop treating me that way"

Seven left the mess hall ten minutes after refusing a cup of coffee from Neelix. She knew that she had two hours and 12 minutes before Kathryn would return from her work. Marija would be picked up and come home with Kathryn. Seven lay on their bed, thinking hard.

If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be in your mind the difficult kind
'Cause babe, I've changed

She had changed. Seven was not the same person now as she had been when going through her first losing of Kathryn. The feelings would be new to everyone else, but Seven didn�t know how they would come to her. Explaining it to poor little Marija would still be hard. Their baby.. Seven held in a sob again and closed her eyes. A tear trickled down her right cheek.

"Live or die, tell me why, all the little babies cry..." her voice trembled. She was supposed to be working on a report right then, but she didn�t care.

Seven managed to compose herself by the time Kathryn and Marija arrived. She was sitting at the table, pretending to work on the report. After sending Marija off to bed Kathryn came back, sat next to Seven at the table. She kissed her hello, and Seven forced the smile that should have been natural.

"How was your day?"

"Boring. Yours?"

"Equally so."

Kathryn leaned back in her chair, rubbing her eyes and sighing. Seven took the sight in, a bit horrified. She was so thin! Why hadn�t it drawn this reaction before? Maybe it had, but she�d been more able to ignore it.

Tell it to me slow, tell me with your eyes
If anyone should know how to let it slide
I swear I can see you coming up the drive
And there ain't nothing like regret to remind you you're alive

Looking at her it was obvious how easily her body had given in during the explosion. Kathryn leaned forward, propping her chin up on her hands. She looked at the report. Her beautiful voice echoed:

"What you working on at this hour?"

"A review of the diagnostics from Astrometrics."

"Mm." Still disinterested. The last thing Kathryn wanted to worry about right then was work. "What did you have for dinner?"

"I don�t remember."

Kathryn laughed softly. "It was still probably more than what I did."

Seven�s voice rang with the same genuine concern as before. "You really should eat more, Kathryn."

"You keep telling me that. But I�m fine, really."

Yes, tonight you�re fine. Tomorrow night you�re laying dead in Sickbay. Seven winced internally at the thought.

If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be in your mind the difficult kind
'Cause babe, I've changed

"I know."

Kathryn looked at her for a minute. "Something wrong?"

"Just tired," Seven lied. The first time she really had been tired. Kathryn smiled and nodded.

"Maybe we should go to bed early."

"I have to finish this first."

"You can finish it tomorrow."

Seven pressed her lips together slightly. "Yes, I guess so."

I crossed the canyon a thousand times
And never noticed what was mine
What you'll remember of me tonight
Well, it almost makes me cry
Yeah, it almost makes me cry

So they went to bed early. Seven held Kathryn long into the night, unwilling to let her go. The hold was gentle of course, it felt wrong to squeeze a body that seemed so barely there. Sometime past midnight Seven slipped out of bed and went into the main room. She picked up an empty padd, looking at it thoughtfully. It wasn�t right, to let Kathryn die. So she would stop it from happening. Seven carefully wrote into the padd.

Oh, ballbreaking moon and ridiculing stars
Oh, the older I get, the closer you are
Don't you have somewhere that you need me
Instead of hanging here making a fool of me

After she finished, Seven read the simple lines over and over. Wondering if they were the right ones to say.

"Kathryn... I�m sorry, but I love you too much to give you back to the hands of fate. I can�t let this happen to you. Come see me now."

Seven finally decided to put the padd where it belonged. She went over to Kathryn�s work bag. It was full of padds for the personnel reports. Seven knew that Kathryn had just finished the reports when she went to the Bridge the next day. So if she put the padd about halfway through the stack, that would give her plenty of time.

She slipped the padd in.

If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be in your mind the difficult kind
But you won't see the change in me

Seven went back to the bed and got under the covers. Kathryn murmured in her sleep and rolled over. Her eyes opened a bit, but didn�t focus. "Mm, quit working on that report and come to bed... you can work on it tomorrow," was the murmur. Seven bit her lip, hoping that she wouldn�t cry in her sleep.

If you could only see
What love has made of me
But I'll forever be in your mind the difficult kind
But you won't see
No, you won't see the good in me
But babe, I've changed
Yes babe, I've changed

 

*****

The next afternoon Kathryn sat in her office, going through reports. Some of them were still in her bag. She reached the bottom of the first stack, and then reached for the rest of them.

"Oh, damn," Kathryn cursed as they slipped past her fingers and tumbled to the floor. She picked them up, though out of order, and set them in front of her. Kathryn continued her work, totally unaware of the fact that there was an extra padd in the mess.

Another hour passed, and Kathryn finally got down to the last of her reports. She finished what she thought was the second to last one, and then idly picked up the final padd. She didn�t look at it, holding in her hands instead as she looked over at the window. An interesting gray green haze glowed in the far distance. It was that nebula they�d passed yesterday. She set the padd down.

"I think I�ll go see if we can get a better view of it on the Bridge," Kathryn said to herself and left her desk. She went out onto the Bridge, leaving the last padd untouched. It was only one report, she told herself. She could finish it up later and then be done with the personnel reports. She huffed a sigh of relief at the thought. Kathryn took her seat on the Bridge. She glanced around, and noticed a few people missing.

"Tuvok, where are Commander Chakotay and Lt. Paris?"

****

With a yawn, Seven woke up. Early sunlight eased its gray way into their room. Seven scrunched her face and yawned again. She looked over at the clock. It�s pleasant green digits read �0540�. She hummed a bit and then rested her head in the pillow again. Kathryn shifted against her.

"Mm... must�ve been fate," Seven said softly. Kathryn shifted again.

"Shut up and go back to sleep," she mumbled, pressing her face into the pillow. "Or no New Year�s party for you."

Seven smiled a bit and gazed at her. "Of course... Love."

If you could only see
What love has made of me
But I'll forever be in your mind....

The End