LOST IN THE NIGHT

 

Within my reach!
I could have touched!
I might have chanced that way!
Soft sauntered thro' the village --
Sauntered as soft away!
So unsuspected Violets
Within the meadows go --
Too late for striving fingers
That passed, an hour ago!
--Emily Dickinson

 

When captain Janeway entered the mess hall she noticed that the table she often sat at, usually when she wanted to get herself a quiet moment to eat her meal undisturbed by ship's business, was already occupied. Nodding to various crewmembers as she passed them by she took her breakfast, paused for a moment as she sipped from her cup, and then she crossed the distance to her favorite place. The figure that occupied it looked up from her plate, paused to nod in greeting, and reached for a glass of something resembling orange juice. At the sight of an almost full glass captain Janeway's face came alight with a smile.

"Good morning, Seven. Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all, Captain."

Seating herself, captain watched Seven drink what despite the looks was probably something chosen for its composition, not its taste, and wondered what caused that there were two most inefficient pancakes, a small jar of what was probably bilberry jam, and a small glass bowl of fruit salad on Seven's plate. Suppressing the vibrant tones trying to gain control of her voice she managed to sound merely pleased.

"I didn't know you come here for breakfasts like this, Seven. Mind telling me since when you do?"

"At Doctor's advice, I started getting used to such breakfasts four days ago, although with suggested rate of one breakfast per two days this is only my third attempt at various dishes accepted as traditional human breakfast."

Captain absentmindedly raised another forkful of her own breakfast, and let it hang in the air as she watched Seven swallow another mouthful.

"And what do you think of them so far?"

"The composition and energy content of are hardly satisfactory, and should be improved at least by addition of vitamins, trace elements and synthetic enzymes." Seven paused for a moment, and it seemed to the captain as if her next words bore the slightest tint of regret. "Doctor's knowledge of my taste receptors is obviously extensive, as the taste of all the samples was significantly better compared to my standard nutritional supplements. If you have some more questions about my breakfast, Captain, could you please wait with them for another time? My shift in Astrometrics starts in eight minutes."

"Of course, Seven. I'm sorry for delaying you."

Eating her own breakfast in thoughtful silence, captain watched Seven quickly finish off hers, and spoke again only when Seven was getting ready to stand up.

"Seven, do you think you could delay your schedule of human dishes to accommodate for one suggested by your captain?"

"Yes. What it will be?"

Captain Janeway leaned back in her chair, and then smiled an impish grin.

"A surprise, Seven. Something I loved as a child. I'm not much good with a frying pan, but I'm sure I'm good enough with replicator. Willing to risk it, Wednesday at 7:00?"

Seven stood up, raised the corners of her mouth in the weakest of smiles, and replied.

"It will be a pleasure, Captain."

Captain spent the time between hearing this and walking into engineering trying to decide whether that last statement was one of learned pleasantries or sincere and happy confirmation.

*****

The light of a yellow sun, emerging from behind a class M planet, turned the asteroid belt into a sparkling mist. As Voyager slowly decelerated her helmsman, his hands still on his console, turned from the sight on the viewscreen towards the captain.

"We will enter standard orbit in one minute."

"Good work, Tom. Ensign Lang?"

The ensign at the operations console waited for a moment with her reply, and the sun chose this moment to appear on Voyagers viewscreen, creating an illusion of dawn for people tired by a long day. Aboard Voyager it was late evening, and Ensign Lang's fingers, bored by long and uneventful hours, slowly keyed in the commands.

"No presence apparent within the system, Captain. Our sensors confirm the results of previous scans. The planet's atmosphere is 98% Earth norm, and we have found no dangerous lifeforms apart from some large predators who pose no threat to us. Some of the vegetation is probably compatible enough to pose a threat for our taste buds should Neelix be allowed to get his hands on it."

Captain Janeway allowed herself to smile at the comment, and then thought about it.

The fact that we came here to enjoy two weeks of planetside leaves is already showing. This abandoned corner of space should be quiet enough to let us enjoy this break - week of R&R is something most of us have not had the chance to afford in a long time. Finally, a chance to relax, to shed the burden of being captain, even if only for a few days. Time to read the books I planned to for what must be several weeks now, time to play those postponed Velocity matches with Seven, to go skiing with B'Elanna and Tom, time to simply lie in my bed doing nothing.

But in next moment her thoughts were again interrupted by Ensign Lang's voice.

"Captain, I'm detecting signature of some small vessel in the asteroid belt, but there is so much interference I'm unable to give you any details. It is moving towards our position, and it is hailing us. Our records do not contain their language, but we are able to translate it. They want to talk, and they proposed communication channel, audio only, using a signal repeater at the edge of the belt."

"Yellow alert. Open the channel."

Captain Janeway quickly glanced at her surroundings, straightened her tunic, and then she realized that with voice communication only there is no need for that.

"This is Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager."

The voice she heard to respond slightly stunned most people on the bridge. It contained none of the tones that would identify it as a translation. It was genuine, and it sounded human.

"Pleased to meet you, Captain. I am David Smith, captain of the starship Lone Traveller. I am having some problems with movement in time, although I doubt they resulted from time travel. Can you tell me what is your chronological stardate? My own time is about fourteen years behind the Federation, and as your ship is unknown to me, and seems to be more advanced design, I think it will be best if I leave it to you to decide what we should do now. I think that my return to my original time is highly improbable, but I also realize the possibility of creating some paradox."

For a fraction of a second the captain was speechless, her nature of an explorer interested and her cautious side cursing, in the privacy of her mind, all time travels to hell, but then her experience kicked in and her brain started to function properly again.

"Understood. Continue on your course, and we will go through our records. Voyager out. Tuvok?"

Security Chief's fingers were already darting across his keyboard. His eyes stayed locked on the display as after a while he slowly started to reply.

"The Lone Traveller, rebuilt Volga class runabout hull, was reported missing almost fourteen years ago. The only person aboard was Dr. David Smith. The voice we just heard appears to match Dr. Smith's entry in our records." With these words he lifted his head to look at the captain, and continued. "Our records do not indicate any contact with Dr. Smith after his disappearance. His assumption that he will not return to his time is probably correct. No available information requires restricted contact."

"Good. Find me more about him. Chakotay, wake up Harry again - I want to know how Smith evaded our sensor sweeps. Ensign Lang?"

"Approaching vessel will be leaving the asteroid belt in twenty seconds. We are now able to track it, and it moves on intercept course, estimated arrival in five minutes. The signature almost matches the database entry for Lone Traveller. We should be able to contact the ship directly now. If this is Dr. Smith and we use standard Federation encryption he should be able to decipher it. Another small test of his identity Captain?"

"Nice touch, Ensign. Open a hail. Dr. Smith, this is Captain Janeway. It seems that there is no reason for us not to meet."

As she spoke, the image of distant, glittering asteroids was replaced by the view of what seemed like the interior of a runabout. In the middle of the screen was the face of a man in his late thirties, dressed in some kind of heavy, black envirosuit. A sturdy helmet was lying on the console by his side. His face was wearing almost imperceptible smile. Something that most of us would probably not recognize as a smile without our experience with Seven, Janeway thought before she continued.

"I would be pleased to welcome you aboard Voyager."

His smile grew into a normal human smile, and with a slight bow he replied.

"Thank you for your hospitality, Captain. I gratefully accept. Now, if you will excuse me, I will finish some necessary work and change into something more appropriate."

*****

After she stepped into the turbolift in the company of Tuvok looking at the PADD in his hands, captain Janeway patiently waited for him to finish reading. "So, who is this Dr. Smith?"

"Xenoarcheologist, primarily. I expect many humans would describe him as 'crazy genius' and 'loner'. The Lone Traveller is prototype long-range runabout, owned by Dr. Smith. When the design was cancelled, seven years before he disappeared, he managed to acquire the prototype and had it rebuilt as his personal ship. Since then he spent about half of his life aboard it, alone, traveling across Galaxy from one place to another. During most of his travels his only company, if he had any at all, were the members of very unusual group of historians he belonged into."

"What group? I don't seem to recall Smith's name."

Tuvok raised the PADD, and with occasional glance at it, he continued.

"Wandering individualists from Federation or allied civilizations, held together by personal friendships. Dr. Tashlik, Smith's former teacher, Alkiri, owner of 'Song of Skies'. Dr. Jones Laren, from Bajor, and her husband, astrophysicist Dr. Timothy Jones, owners of 'Stardust Glitter'. Hlva'srk'nald and Hlva'srk'ailst, Seteirian brood-twins, pilots of 'Dalhva-tlasrk Saif'. Dr. Paul Bonner, currently lives on Earth. Mahaklan Taeli Bahrlaksi, Telari, owner of 'Four Granite Pillars'. It seems that this group is quite well known, at least among historians, and I expect even you have heard some of those names. All its members are considered to be somewhat eccentric, a fact which sometimes means getting along with them is difficult, but nevertheless they are some of the best experts on ancient civilizations."

"Seems like exactly what we need. Eccentric, expert on things that no longer exist, flying a ship that was considered flawed design twenty years ago. But I am sure I already heard some of those names. Something to do with translator programming. I'm sorry, do continue."

Only the weakest trace of interest flashed across Tuvok's face, indicating surprise at hearing such comments, and then he indeed continued.

"Maybe I was inconsiderate when I used the term xenoarcheologist. It would have been more precise to say that he is xenoarcheologist who focuses on ancient alien languages but is also competent in other areas. Furthermore, after two rebuilds the only known major flaw in his ship's design is limited impulse speed caused by resonances appearing in energy conduits leading into impulse engines when the energy input rises above 73 percent of design maximum. As the ship is small enough to fit in our hangar, we do not need to concern ourselves with its smaller maximum warp speed."

Captain's face lighted up with a smile indicating she was pleased with herself and with the world in general.

"Alien languages? That's better. And I knew I had heard some of those names before - had to read some Bonner's work when they upgraded translator algorithms. With the colleagues he had, Smith shouldn't have problems with fitting into our crew - I expect this is why you mentioned them, isn't it? Tell me, this limited warp - is it because of another design flaw? I thought proposed Volga class was supposed to be damn fast."

"Lone Traveller is currently even faster, able to travel at warp 8, and can exceed this speed for limited time. However, it is slower than Voyager, and some situations could force us to leave it behind - not the case if we bring it aboard."

"In other words, you too are glad that we won't have to leave it behind if he stays."

Their slow steps led them to hangar door, where two members of Security were already waiting for them, and Janeway's thoughts switched to a different track. Why am I suddenly so annoyed? Because his appearance threatens our plans, she realized. I'm tired, depressed, and suddenly another strange anomaly requires my attention. I hope that nothing dangerous will happen. I hope that he will disappear or stay or whatever, but in any case do so without causing problems. I really need that rest.

In less than ten seconds the computer indicated that the hangar area is pressurized, one of the security men touched door controls, and they entered. The moment Janeway saw the Lone Traveller as it sat in the hangar her head turned towards Tuvok.

"Torpedo launcher and disruptors?"

"Not exactly. Our scans have confirmed Lone Traveller's entry in the Starfleet database. Dr. Smith uses the launcher to launch various probes. The equipment necessary to handle photon torpedoes is not installed - in fact the ship's design makes such upgrade impossible unless significant changes are made to interior configuration."

"And the disruptors?"

"According to the database, one of the reasons the design was rejected for were many system integration problems. He had the armament-related ones solved during the second upgrade when phasers were replaced with Seteiri-designed pulse disruptors."

"Some other surprises?"

He handed her his PADD, took the tricorder offered by one of his men, and as she began to look in disbelief at the information he continued in what for Tuvok passed as an amused tone.

"Numerous. Probably a result of his specialization."

"Amazing. I'd like to see B'Elanna's face when she reads this."

She handed the PADD back to Tuvok and resumed her walk towards the only door visible on the side of the ship.

Seconds after they stopped in front of the door the gray rectangle slid open to reveal a somewhat dimly lit interior of the Lone Traveller and the black figure of Dr. Smith. He stood still for a second or two before stepping out, and even before he moved into the full light of the hangar they saw that he was not wearing normal clothing. What he wore *was* more appropriate, because almost anything would be when compared to an envirosuit, but it was by no means close to normal. It looked like based on Starfleet uniform, but the torso was padded, and in some places it seemed as if some pieces of equipment were integrated into it. Completely black, the result looked like a cross between standard uniform and armored combat suit.

Captain Janeway stepped forward to meet him, and smiled.

"Welcome aboard Voyager, Dr. Smith."

He smiled back, even if the smile was small and reserved, and stepping out of his ship onto the hangar deck, he replied.

"Pleased to meet you, Captain. I hope you will pardon this attire, but I have some personal reasons to dress in this way. I am sure your security officers will tell you it is not dangerous."

"I believe it is not, but if you insist. This is my Chief of Security, Lt. Tuvok. Tuvok?"

Tuvok studied his tricorder for maybe fifteen seconds, and then he replied.

"Although the suit blocks our tricorders from scanning his body, I can confirm than he does not carry any known weapons or other dangerous items about his person. Also, the shielding is not perfect, possibly on purpose, and I am able to verify his identity as Dr. David Smith."

*****

Now, with all the brief introductions that followed their entry into conference room completed, captain Janeway turned her full attention towards the guest and began.

"So, can you tell us how you happened to end up in Delta quadrant?"

Dr. Smith's face was unreadable, controlled in a way that to captain Janeway seemed almost Vulcan-like.

"I do not know. I had finished decryption of certain old text, and it contained indications that some Elder artifacts could exist on an old asteroid that was at that time passing near the H'ra'Kih system, so I set out to check it. When I approached the predicted location of the asteroid, an unknown phenomenon, possibly some kind of artificial spacetime deformation, transported me into Delta quadrant. I have appeared near a star 90 light years from here, three months ago. I do not know whether accompanying jump in time was caused by time travel, some form of stasis, or something else. There is even the possibility that I have traveled into different universe. I have already unlocked most of my logs, and you can download them and try to find out what happened."

"We will do that. And what are you doing in this system, hidden in that asteroid belt?"

"Mining. The belt asteroids contain many rare substances, and I was planning some repairs and modifications to my ship."

"Understood. Well, do you think you could tell us more than that you don't know what happened? I'm sorry, now you probably want to ask us the same question - how *we* happened to end up here. Am I right?"

"I feel that details are not that urgent. Several various observations lead me to believe that you are victims of another unspecified accident of similar type that occurred at least several weeks ago. Am I right?"

A number of thoughts flashed through captain's mind. Is he part Vulcan? I would be hungry for any piece of information. Is he, despite of what he said, afraid of some paradox?

"It is years, not weeks, but otherwise you're right."

Smith nodded in acknowledgment, and then he continued.

"Considering I am fourteen years behind Federation, I believe it should be sufficient to browse your logs, preferably after going through the history records of those fourteen years. This means I would like to ask you to allow me some access to your records - maybe Doctor could select some and copy them for me, as I would like to consult him in some matters anyway."

Janeway was again surprised by Smith's approach, as now he asked for something that should take hours to read. All or nothing approach? However, his hint at health problems suppressed any comments.

"In what matters?"

"I would prefer not to discuss this in public, Captain, at least for now. I am sure he will inform you, should he consider such action appropriate. Am I right Doctor?"

"Unless your condition endangers someone I will indeed keep your medical records confidential."

Captain nodded her approval.

"As you wish, Dr. Smith. Doctor, can you prepare that update information?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Good. If you feel that things can wait, Dr. Smith, I won't object. In fact I'm glad that we don't have to change our plans too much. It is getting late, and some of you are leaving tomorrow, so I will not prolong this. Dr. Smith, would you mind if we continued our conversation tomorrow, during morning meeting?"

"Not at all, Captain."

"Fine. B'Elanna, Harry, Seven, I want you to have a look at Dr. Smith's logs and sensor records, but finish the scans of the planet first. Tuvok, Tom, the probe should be adapted by now, so try to make sure that there is no other surprise hidden in that asteroid belt. Dismissed. Doctor, will you accompany our guest to sickbay?"

*****

Captain Janeway sat in her ready room, tired after going through Smith's somewhat chaotic records.

"Continue Captain's log, supplemental. Dr. Smith headed into this uninhabited area of space very soon after appearing in Delta quadrant. According to his records, we really are at the edge of approximately spherical area without any civilization, with diameter of about 200 light years, and this area is nicknamed "haunted maze", or similarly, by neighboring civilizations. What led him to decide to head here was the combination of hostile civilizations and his curiosity. During the two months he spent outside this area he encountered five civilizations, and three of them were hostile. Not surprising, considering his ship is smaller than Voyager but potential gains from capturing it almost as high."

Nevertheless, not comforting for us, she mused glumly. He at least had the rumors of remains of old civilizations to look towards to. All *we* can look towards to is the need to select our course.

"We can head straight through 60 light years of this "haunted maze", with all its surprises. We can make a small detour, and travel through those hostile systems - as it looks, threats to a ship as powerful as Voyager is would be limited but not nonexistent. We can make some bigger detour, and head into the unknown. Thanks to our stop in this system, I can wait with this decision and try to obtain more data. Computer, close log."

Why it seems to me that almost any time we have to choose one of a number of such possibilities all of them are bad ones, none good, and we can tell which one is the worst only after actually choosing it? With a sigh, she returned to Dr. Smith's studies on local civilizations.

Ten minutes later she was interrupted by Doctor's voice.

"Doctor to Captain. Captain, I know it is quite late, could you please come to sickbay? I would like to discuss something with you."

"Is this because of our guest?"

"Yes. Nothing really urgent, but you should know some things."

Captain Janeway glanced at the clock on her workstation, sighed, and replied.

"If you think so. I'm on my way."

When she entered sickbay she found Doctor, looking ill at ease, standing beside the door. Obviously waiting for her, he motioned her towards one of the display panels. Walking in its direction, she spoke towards the hologram.

"So, what do you have to show me, Doctor?"

"Our guest does have significant amount of cybernetic implants in his body. They are not as extensive as Seven's, but nevertheless the amount is larger than what I have ever met with before in other humans."

Hearing this surprised her, but instead of fear or revulsion, she felt only curiosity. Seven certainly changed me a lot.

"Can you give me more details?"

"Not only does his body contain many gengineered symbiotic microorganisms, there are nanoprobes scattered in his system, in some places forming more complex structures. His DNA bears traces of modifications, although I was not able to analyze these yet. Additionally, he does have, apparently for many years, direct neural interface implants, and is quite proficient in its use."

"What? Is he some former Borg?"

"No. It is not Borg technology. The symbiotes are Federation technology, the nanoprobes and the DNI are modified Telari technology."

Janeway's gesticulation turned into a mixture of interest, confusion and curiosity.

"And why does he have all this implanted?"

Doctor seemed at a loss for words, but then he shrugged his shoulders and replied, his voice containing only the weakest traces of disagreement.

"He says that it helps him in his work."

"Yes? How does it affect him?"

"Like I said, after the years he is a skilled user of the DNI - when you mentioned that you want his sensor logs analyzed he was able to unlock the still locked relevant ones in only a few seconds. His other implants mostly enhance his physical abilities - for example, he is able to breathe in some non-standard atmospheres. The implants have no significant impact on his higher brain functions - even the DNI is interface only, as far the interaction with his brain goes. Do you wish to see complete scans Captain?"

"Not now. Are his implants dangerous?"

"Not much. The nanoprobes, though less advanced compared to Seven's, could be used to attack someone, but this would require extensive reprogramming. The symbiotes are DNA-coded for him, and are beneficial anyway."

Captain Janeway turned from the screen showing some of Doctor's scans of his latest patient, and looked at Doctor.

"So, when you called me you just wanted to inform me about this?"

"There are other things, but yes, this was the first reason."

"And the implants are the reason why he wore that unusual suit - he did not want his body scanned?"

"Yes, that was probably his intention. He is aware that most people in the Federation do not like the idea of cybernetic implants, and for this reason he uses the nanoprobes and some other implants - most are relatively easy to remove - only when he is outside of Federation's reach. This is the cause of none of his records mentioning the nanoprobes, although they do mention the DNI. Well, our records are not very precise or detailed about his DNI and some other unimportant implants, but we have at least some information. His other implants are easy to remove, and thanks to this never mentioned in our database. Dr. Smith said that I should inform you of his condition, and that he will try to settle this during tomorrow."

"If he is afraid that I will react negatively he might find this ship full of surprises."

At this Doctor's somewhat troubled expression seemed to deepen.

"I'm not sure about those surprises. There is more I wanted to talk to you about. He already knows about Seven's implants and my holographic nature."

Janeway felt an irrational tingle of fear the moment Doctor mentioned Seven's name, but she didn't let it show.

"Why this troubles you? What happened?"

"He knows nothing but a few rumors about the Borg, but the equipment in his suit includes tricorder, and he briefly scanned everybody in the conference room. He said that he finds the composition of the senior staff of this ship quite unexpected, and that what surprised him most was indeed Seven with her implants, because he never met anyone like her before. He added that with all the non-humans in the room he thought at first that she too is not human, because he didn't think our society could have in mere fourteen years changed enough to produce someone like Seven. He was curious. The others, he gave them hardly more than a quick glance. The only ones he scanned more thoroughly were Seven, Mr. Neelix and I. In Seven's case, the resolution of scans was high enough to show the nanoprobes, as well as other implants, in detail."

Captain Janeway recalled Smith's records she found in Voyager's database, trying to guess what kind of a person he is.

"And this troubles you?"

"Yes. They are both far from normal. Seven is former Borg, and Dr. Smith is a mystery. He says that his mind is no longer entirely human, and with all that I know about him, including the fact that after being two months alone in his ship he exhibits none of the usual effects of such isolation, I'm inclined to believe him. Well, with him it's hard to tell, but he doesn't seem to be outside of what I expected from his profile. And with his profile, nobody here can tell for sure what will happen."

Expression of mild confusion appeared on Janeway's face.

"Are you afraid that this will lead to violence? I don't think so. He doesn't give the impression of being someone who would attack without good reason, and his records suggest he probably met many strange individuals before, not to mention he is obviously one strange individual himself. As he has no personal experience with the Borg, Seven is for him nothing but another unusual individual. In fact he should have less problems with her than many others do."

Doctor's expression was one of uneasiness. He sighed like someone coming to an unpleasant decision, just a gesture considering he was hologram, and then, in half-sad tone, voiced his concerns.

"I'm afraid Dr. Smith will want to use Borg technology himself. One of his colleagues was Telari, his implants are Telari technology, and now he meets Seven. Even Telari are scared by the Borg, I mean not only by the threat the Borg represent but also by their implants, but Seven's implants are now only slightly more extensive than what many free-minded Telari find acceptable. And from Seven's point of view, Dr. Smith is the first human who can not only accept her, but also understand her, because he is the only one here who can have at least some idea of what it means to be part human, part machine. If it looks like he views her technology as an improvement, as a step towards perfection, as something he would like to use himself, Seven will possibly want to aid him - because he is an outcast, similar to her. Because he can imagine how it feels to be ex-Borg."

Doctor's words, although he was probably unaware of it, were finding their mark deep inside Janeway. Some of the thoughts that so often surfaced from the depths of her mind emerged once again.

Unlike me. I don't really understand her. After all this time, I still don't understand her. Maybe I never will. Especially if I will keep my distance like I do now. Hell, I don't understand my own feelings. The automatics inside her mind, the ones she both welcomed and hated, stopped further thoughts in these directions. On the outside, she showed no signs of all this. She never did. But she decided to end this discussion.

"Thank you for the warning. However, I expect that after reading about the Borg he will think twice before asking for Borg implants. But you are probably right that the morning meeting will be more difficult than I expected. Do you think you will have detailed report finished before breakfast?"

*****

When Janeway and B'Elanna entered the conference room they found all other members of the now incomplete senior staff, as well as Dr. Smith, already present. From her seat at the head of the table captain surveyed the room. Chakotay and Harry were already down on the planet, having left earlier. Tuvok, who should have been overseeing the last preparations for the jungle-terrain exercises for Security teams he scheduled to start today, left this duty to his second in command, and now sat at his place with somewhat guarded expression. Leaning back in her chair, Captain Janeway began.

"I'm sorry for being late, we were going through the scans of this system. It seems that we will stay here for a few more days than we expected. That belt is worth it almost alone, even if we have to sift through megatons of useless asteroids; we can replenish some of our supplies from the planet, and Ensign Hickman's team wants to study some processes in the gas giant's atmosphere. This means we will have to postpone or even cancel the exploration of those gravitational distortions, Seven. If you can convince Delaney sisters to give up at least two days of their leave, you can use a shuttle to get there, but Voyager stays here at least three weeks."

Captain's head turned towards Dr. Smith, who sat in his chair dressed now in completely black but otherwise normal looking clothes.

"And now, let's start. Dr. Smith, I believe there is something you wished to discuss, isn't there?"

"Do you refer to results of my yesterday's visit to sickbay?"

"Yes. I think the sooner we deal with it the better."

"I understand."

His face became perfectly composed, showing no signs of his thoughts, and his voice gained about the same tone as when Vulcan professor starts his introductory lecture on the principles of Newtonian physics.

"Based on what I had the chance to learn from the records I read, I think none of you will be too shocked by what I am about to say and therefore I can speak openly. I have some cybernetic implants in my body, namely direct neural interface, nanoprobes plus associated structures, and other less important implants, as well as higher than usual number of symbiotic microorganisms. None of these are necessary for my survival. Your acceptance of Seven of Nine and Doctor leads me to suppose that my condition is acceptable but I am prepared to discuss the matter."

Janeway, for whom none of this was new, was during Smith's speech watching the others. There was something happening inside Seven, but the signs were so weak she was unable to tell what. Tuvok and Neelix kept blank faces, and so did Tom, although she noticed him cast quick concerned glance at B'Elanna. Chief Engineer's expression was one of surprise, with traces of anger, and when Dr. Smith stopped the silence was instantly broken by her loud voice.

"You're another ex-Borg?"

Dr. Smith flashed B'Elanna a quick smile, like he was laughing at something she couldn't hear, and traces of this smile seemed to remain in the controlled expression that followed. Maybe this impression was caused by that amused twinkle that flashed through his eyes so quickly and weakly that captain wasn't sure it appeared there at all.

"No. I am human, more or less."

"What do you mean, more or less human?"

"I may have some implants in my body, but my DNA, although it is slightly modified, is by accepted criteria still considered human."

Adding irony to her angry voice, B'Elanna pressed on, ignoring more looks from Tom.

"Your DNA is modified, too?"

This time Dr. Smith's reply did not come out instantly, giving Doctor a chance to interrupt.

"I do not have all the DNA changes analyzed yet, but two I already understand. First one looks like traces after correcting Szalathai's syndrome, rare genetically predetermined defect in metabolism, and, simply put, the second set of modifications improves Dr. Smith's long-term memory by about 30 percent. Let me add that such changes are not unknown. Even a fairly famous colleague of mine, Dr. Bashir, is known to have modified DNA. B'Elanna, you should not let your feelings towards the Borg misguide you. Dr. Smith's implants are Telari technology, and there is nothing in this that is similar to the Borg. No assimilation, no Collective, no hive mind."

Maybe it was Doctor's words, maybe it was Smith's expression, maybe it was her self-control, but something caused B'Elanna to cool down a little, at least in her appearance. Captain cast another glance at Seven but even those weak signs of whatever was going through Seven's mind were long gone and Janeway saw no trace of anything but detached interest. B'Elanna, in tones of a spokeswoman, even if somewhat emotional half-Klingon one, continued.

"All right. Tell me, Dr. Smith ... why all this?"

"It makes my life easier. Under normal circumstances, I usually do not use the nanoprobes when in Federation space, but only because of the prejudices such technology awakens. When I am free to not to concern myself with such things, I appreciate the advantages implants offer. The DNI can be very helpful when I use my favorite language, Galin IV, to read translations of other civilizations' texts, not to mention other benefits. The symbiotes are useful in many different situations, for example when non-human friends invite you to a dinner and you do want to try their famous, but very unhealthy, cuisine."

Then another smile appeared on his face, and with even stronger twinkles in his eyes he continued.

"And should some Klingon get mad at me, thanks to all this my healing rate is much higher than normal and therefore any black eye will quickly disappear. Oh, by the way, the nanoprobes, despite what Doctor said about me being different from the Borg, *can* be reprogrammed to assimilate someone - care to try it? Saves wear on dermal regenerator, and gives you an edge you might need."

B'Elanna's hands, resting on the table, clenched, but it ended at that. At that, and at her icy voice.

"All right, I believe you're not Borg. Keep your implants, but word of advice: if you have to show that you have a sense of humor, either be more careful or choose someone else as your target. I'm the chief engineer here and if you wish your ship repaired I'm one of the people who will work on it, so you'll have lots of chances to make me mad. Don't do it. Broken bones hurt much more than blackened eye."

Dr. Smith's expression during B'Elanna's words changed into quite a grave one and then he nodded.

"Acknowledged."

Captain Janeway, who was watching this with interest, woke up from her thoughts. The similarities and differences between Smith and Seven can wait. Looking at B'Elanna she switched to one of her "command" voices.

"I'm glad that so far you have managed to avoid any black eye, and I hope it will stay that way. Do I make myself clear?"

Maybe the tone was a little too sharp, because two voices replied in unison.

"Yes, Captain."

"Someone else wants to comment right now? Well, now back to business. Dr. Smith, as you've heard we are going to leave this system in three weeks. What is your schedule for repairs and modifications to your ship?"

"My original schedule required six more weeks. With Lt. Torres's generous offer of help, this schedule is no longer valid. I expect that with the help of four-member team of your engineers the work can be completed in one week or less, with minimum requirements on Voyager's other resources."

"Sounds good, Dr. Smith. B'Elanna, can you spare four people for a week?"

"No. I will see to it myself when I'll have the time, and I can put Nicoletti and Vorik on it, they are good and available for the whole week, but I'll need everybody else. Planetside leaves don't mix well with maintenance. But if Dr. Smith thinks four people can do it in one week, I'm sure we're good enough to finish it in that time too."

"OK, do it this way. Harry, Neelix, when will be the scans of the planet and the analysis of those biologic samples complete?"

*****

Captain Janeway was in her ready room, sipping from this day's second cup of coffee, looking at the reports from Exobiology, when intercom came alive with B'Elanna's angry voice.

"Captain, can I come for a moment? It's because of Dr. Smith's ship."

"Of course. I'm in my ready room."

"Come in."

The door to the ready room opened and B'Elanna quickly walked inside. It was evident to the captain that she was trying to control herself but was not entirely successful at it.

"What happened?"

"Nothing, there was no .. accident. I came here because I think Seven should be added to the team working on Lone Traveller."

Janeway was not entirely pleased with B'Elanna's words during the morning meeting, and this provided her with perfect opportunity to let it show. Letting only the slightest irony creep into her tone, she tilted her head questioningly.

"Why? You seemed very confident when you said your people will manage it in time."

B'Elanna, although aware it was the captain she was speaking with, seemed unable to resist the urge to raise her voice, and suddenly the words were accompanied by increasingly vivid gesticulation.

"Yes, I was. But that was before I knew that it was built by some madmen."

"Sorry?"

"It is not a ship! It is a flying exhibit of a dozen of civilizations' technologies in action. It was a prototype, and being rebuilt by psychotic maniacs certainly wasn't any help."

During the last sentence of this outburst B'Elanna calmed down a little but continued.

"I admit there are some beautiful, elegant solutions in there, but there are also dozens of ill-designed, badly working or downright strange pieces of machinery. More than half of those beasts are not Federation technology, and all this is integrated into ship's systems, so when you touch anything you never know what you might cause because you've never seen anything like this before. Touching anything, by the way, is quite a problem - the ship is so packed with machinery that it weights twice as much as other similar ships, and there is hardly enough space for all this and accessibility goes to hell. I've read some warning data when he appeared here but I've never expected such craziness. I asked Dr. Smith how he can use a ship no sane fleet would ever commission. I mean, even Maquis would forget about flying it, even if it were only half as crazy as it is. The man smiled in that ironic way of his and said that Lone Traveller fits perfectly into his philosophy. He must be as mad as those Seteiri who rebuilt it. Beats me how he found some that agreed to knock together this .. monster."

"And you came here to tell me this?"

The question sobered the chief engineer. She deflated, stood silent for a moment, and then she replied in much more normal voice. "No. I'm sorry that I got carried away. I wanted to ask you to reassign Seven from the study of those graviton bursts to the work on Lone Traveller. Her experience with different alien technologies would be a great help to Nicoletti and Vorik."

Captain was silent for a few seconds, and when she spoke up her voice was neutral, not the icy one that could be expected after B'Elanna's show.

"I will consider it. Dismissed."

Not a minute after the door hissed shut behind B'Elanna captain Janeway reached for intercom.

"Seven, could you please come to ready room?"

*****

Seven stopped in front of Janeway's desk, clasped her hands behind her back, and asked one of the questions captain learned to expect.

"What did you wish to see me about, Captain?"

"Seven, I would like to ask you to help with the work on Lone Traveller."

The figure before Janeway paused for a few seconds, and then replied without any change to her voice.

"I accept, Captain."

Janeway felt slightly disturbed at this tone. Why does she again sound so much like a borg?

"Just that, Seven? I thought you wanted to study that anomaly."

"Ensign Megan Delaney is competent enough to monitor its status. The work on Lone Traveller is expected to take six days, allowing me to resume the research before her leave starts."

"And what about your leave? Do you think that it is irrelevant?"

"No. Ensign Delaney also accepted the plan to use a shuttle to study the anomaly from smaller distance. Such research should provide more precise data, and can be performed during Voyager's prolonged stop in this system. I have already submitted a request for permission to use the Franklin for this mission to Commander Chakotay. This means I will have five days, during which my presence in astrometrics will be required less than one hour per day, to 'enjoy the vacation'. Do you have some more questions, Captain?"

The voice of reason, the voice reminding her of what should be said, of what duty requires, of what is expected, silenced all the words that lurked inside Janeway's mind.

"Nothing that couldn't wait, but I would like to have a chat with you later. Say, 18:00 here in Ready Room?"

"That would be acceptable, Captain."

*****

At 18:00, a chime announced Seven's arrival.

"Come in."

"Captain."

Captain Janeway raised her eyes from her workstation as soon as the door began to open, and when it closed, she gestured towards a chair.

"Be seated, Seven. First, I wanted to speak with you about Dr. Smith. Tell me, what do you think about him?"

"Dr. Smith is competent person both inside and outside his specialization, although his theoretical knowledge is significantly more extensive than his engineering experience. He is efficient and adaptable."

Considering Seven's choice of words he must have left quite an impression but Janeway was not asking about his engineering abilities and she felt disappointed at Seven's cold evaluation.

"Seven, I was asking not only about his competence. I wished to know how you view him as a person."

Seven's voice remained cold and emotionless, simply stating the facts.

"Our interaction was insufficient for me to form an opinion on his personality."

"Insufficient interaction? I thought you both worked with the others on his ship."

"That is correct."

"Well, then you surely must have some opinion? Some first impressions?"

Silent for a few seconds, Seven seemed thoughtful before she replied in unchanged tone.

"He was adapting to our collective. He joked and chatted with Lieutenant Nicoletti, told several fictional stories she was pleased to hear to Naomi Wildman when she came to visit us, and was precise and logical towards Ensign Vorik and me. I attribute this to adaptation process because he attempted to chat with me too and stopped when I informed him I consider such distractions inefficient. I find his behavior instructive."

Janeway was even more disturbed at hearing this. She tried to help Seven to become more of a human, and to her, Smith seemed more like Vulcan - or Borg.

Learning from such personality is probably not something that would help her in becoming human. He could be friendly and joking, but there is some coldness, or how to name it, lurking in his mind. And now Seven - Seven, considered to be made of stone by most of the crew - says that he had no troubles with adapting to her and Vorik. This time, Doctor's diagnosis is probably flawed. Those three months Smith spent alone did left some traces in his mind - but traces hidden so deep that Doctor, who is not human himself, had no chance of finding out during the time Smith spent in his company. Is this what Seven senses in Smith - another lonely soul, similar to hers?

But other parts of her mind, less sympathetic to Smith, were awake too. Parts that disliked the idea of Seven learning from this personality. Parts marked 'Captain', concerned with Doctor's yesterday's words.

"You find his behavior instructive?"

"Yes. He displays untroubled adaptation to different cultures and personalities in ship's crew, despite his implants and his apparent preferences regarding personal friends. Only small percentage of crewmembers that came into contact with him showed significant degree of animosity. I am considering seeking Dr. Smith's counsel in my social integration lessons."

This took Janeway by surprise. She wanted to ask more about Smith. She wanted to discuss the possibility that he is interested in Borg technology, because the thoughts of what such a request might cause to Seven disturbed her. She wanted to bring up the topic of the breakfast she invited Seven to and then postponed for reasons she was unsure of. She wanted to talk about possibilities for 'attempts to enjoy the vacation', as Seven put it. She was looking forward to chatting with her in some abandoned corner of the mess hall, during the dinner, should it be possible to convince Seven to accompany her. Now the conversation was taking quite unexpected turn. She found herself using automatic, ages old argument.

"Are you sure? You hardly know him."

"I have already studied all information on Dr. Smith that can be found in our databases. I admit I find this insufficient and therefore I intend to 'get to know him better'. We have agreed to meet today at 18:30 to discuss things not related to the work on Lone Traveller. Do you wish to join us?"

Now Captain Janeway found herself not mildly surprised but deeply shocked. And a little jealous. He's here less than a day! Well, it's time to learn who our guest is. And then some internal voice added: because your own time might be running out. However, these thoughts have not even as much as flicked across her face.

"With pleasure. Now, we still have some time left. How about discussing our plans for the next week? We've already had to postpone the breakfast I've promised you, and I don't want the vacation to meet a similar end. You said that you wish to try to enjoy it, so we should decide on how we will spend it."

Janeway was delighted when she saw the faintest trace of eagerness color those blue eyes, and with her mood much more cheerful she continued.

*****

Now they were on their way to cargo bay 2 and Janeway was having difficulty concentrating on reality. The short travel in a turbolift was torture. Sweet but at the same time bitter torture. There are those five days in front of us, five wonderful days. She felt Seven's presence at her side, near her, and it sent tingles through her whole body. The vision of their leave filled her with joy, and the memory of Seven's twinkling eyes tried to bring a smile to her face. She recalled the pleasure she have seen in her eyes during the debate. The raised implant over her left eye when she said "Skiing?" in surprised tone. The way her blonde hair framed her beautiful face. Five days!

But all this is pointless, reminded her that stern voice in her head. You can only dream. Even if you really love her, even if this is more than just a sign of your loneliness, you must keep this to yourself. She is not even ready to hear it, much less to love you back. You imagine that she seemed happy when you were making plans for those five days, but remember how strangely she often reacts. Remember who you are. Maybe, in few months, or in few years, things will change. What got into you? Twenty minutes of dreams and you are almost shaking just from her being near. You are who you are, you have certain obligations, and she is still not human. Be patient, keep your distance, and don't let your mask show any crack.

*****

When they entered the cargo bay 2, they found Dr. Smith already there, sitting on one of the containers in a corner of the room. He stood up and dipped his head in a bow.

"Captain."

"Good evening, Dr. Smith. I wished to learn who our latest guest is, so when Seven mentioned this meeting I've decided to join. I hope you don't mind?"

Smith's whole body became perfect impersonation of a welcoming host, a posture somewhat strange as the gestures of his hands only emphasized the surrounding borg technology and storage containers beside him. Then his words explained it, sort of.

"Be my guest, Captain."

His voice was warm and slightly joking, but again Janeway felt something hidden behind those words. This time it was directed at her. Anger? Why? However, before she had any chance to react Seven, who continued to walk towards her workstation, interrupted her.

"Dr. Smith, please specify why you requested this meeting."

The acting disappeared as if turned off, and Smith's eyes turned towards Seven.

"Such question is somewhat difficult to answer. If I simplify, there are two basic reasons. First, from what I had the chance to learn, you are quite an interesting person. I wished to learn more, both about you and from you. Second, you represent possible way of acquiring an access to borg technology, and I predict I will be interested in some pieces of this technology. Although the principles you adhere to might lead to a refusal of such access, I see no efficient way of determining this in advance and I have to ask. Now, why did you accept? And what about you, Captain? I thought we were to meet tomorrow."

He's certainly quite direct. And his vocabulary is sometimes remarkably similar to Seven's, although he does sound more human. What should I tell him? That I find myself protective of Seven? He's definitely got her talent for asking unwelcome questions. I'll have to try to slow this down.

Luckily for the captain, Seven replied quickly.

"I too would like to learn more about you. You are the first human I know of to have so many cybernetic implants from his free will. Regarding Borg technology, I will indeed not grant you access to it, although this decision is subject to later re-evaluation. How do you propose we continue this discussion?"

Jumping at her chance, Janeway cut in immediately after Seven stopped.

"How about including me too? Dr. Smith, since we are talking about technology, Lt. Torres was somewhat surprised when she saw the schematics of Lone Traveller, and to tell the truth, so was I. You allegedly said that its technology and its design are somehow similar to your philosophy, so perhaps explaining this would be a good start? Even if the ship is still yours, it is now aboard Voyager. To me the design looks, well, questionable."

"It is not purposefully built to drive everybody mad, despite what Lt. Torres said. It is just that I have little problems with incorporating many alien ideas into my own, be it philosophy or engineering. I do not think like a human, and I do not own a human ship. The design of Lone Traveller is too far from human-type designs, and uses some technologies not common in the Federation. You are Starfleet and therefore you can have problems with such technology. I did not build it to serve in Starfleet. I consider myself independent."

"Independent? Often you worked for Starfleet."

"But we were not a part of it, Captain. I do not consider myself entirely human. I do not consider myself a part of normal human society. In fact being a citizen of both Telari Federation and UFP I really am not a part of normal human society. I can seem to be human, because I have spent a lot of time among humans, but my thought processes are significantly different from normal human thinking. My observations of this crew suggest that I should emphasize this, Captain: I have lost some parts of my humanity long time ago, and now I am in some aspects probably even worse off than Seven."

Last words of this speech probably confused Seven, because she raised her left eye in question.

"'Worse off'?"

Smith turned from the captain to Seven, and his voice became more flat, as if it was pointless put into it more information than what his words conveyed.

"I used this expression because Captain Janeway seems to view lost humanity as something undesirable. I myself attach little importance to being hundred percent human, maybe because I have never found out what the exact definition of normal human is."

"Explain. You were born as a human, and you were raised among humans."

"Yes, as a child I was living among humans. But the child is not the same personality as the adult. As I began to grow up, I started to see the world differently from others around me. Also, I lived not among humans only - my aunt is a Vulcan and I have spent two summers on Vulcan, as you both no doubt know. Then, during my studies under Dr. Tashlik, I came into contact with many different cultures. Now I view the term 'average human' only as a commonly accepted designation for certain types of person's mindframe, and I do not think I fit this definition. Do you fit it?"

Again, Janeway felt a little uncomfortable. She was not surprised at Smith being direct, not only because of her, admittedly quite limited, experience with him, but also because of who his friends and colleagues were. However, this openness was more direct than she expected it to be. He coldly tells us all this. Why? Then Smith's question touched an open wound, and she had to fight the urge to react. Hurt, and somewhat angered, she was too slow, and she let Seven reply, fearing what she will hear.

"I do not, but I intend to become more human. Who are you if not human?"

Seven's voice was still flat, flat in the way she sounded when she tried to keep her emotions controlled, when she relied on her borg detachment to distance her from emotions. This hurts her, but she wants to continue. What should I do? Before Janeway found something to say, Smith replied.

"I am unique personality, just like almost everybody else is. Only I am more different from 'average human' than most people are. Not only because of my implants, but also because of my profession. In order to understand non-humans I had to give up some of my humanity. By staying human one limits himself to human thinking. By staying human one accepts human weaknesses. Many learn to suppress their race-specific thought patterns to reach better understanding of universe and of others in it. Why do you wish to become human?"

This question was something that Janeway was surprised to hear. Who is he? Are humans really so different to him? Human wouldn't ask this, certainly not now. What can Seven say to this? And what would I?

Then, after a short pause, Seven spoke, and her voice and words clutched Janeway's mind in icy grasp. She learned to hear in that voice what others couldn't. The sorrow in that voice, sorrow hiding behind walls of self-control, cried to her for help.

"I am .. not happy in my current state. Humans, although illogical, weak, alone, often seem happy. Are you happy?"

Janeway once again wanted to reach to Seven, to help this lovely, lonely soul, to protect this fragile flower from outside world. She wanted to tear down the walls she built around herself, and to hold Seven in her arms, penetrating the loneliness that surrounded them both. Her mind became battlefield for a moment, myriads of different voices fighting for control. For the smallest fraction of a second she felt as if standing near some border, only a few steps from something unknown.

Then she heard Smith's voice and the spell was broken. The unseen dream was blown away, and once again, she became Captain. All that remained were those walls, behind which loneliness, love, anger, pain, and all other emotions and feelings began to weaken.

"No. I am slightly unhappy, but for my personality this is normal state. I would say I do not mind it that much, if such a statement could be used to describe a mind that works differently. I too think that average humans are generally happier, but, having never been anyone but me, I am not sure. Generally, I do not believe that happiness is a function of one's humanity - I know both happy non-humans and unhappy humans."

*****

Captain Janeway was seated on the couch in her quarters, and somewhere deep behind the layers of mental insulation she was feeling wretched. Somehow, she managed to endure that strange discussion, the whole hour, without making a mistake that would give away something she wouldn't want revealed. She was still confused by Seven's openness towards such a stranger. And she was not entirely sure about Smith. She had the feeling that while he tells the truth, and nothing but the truth, he sometimes keeps the whole truth to himself.

The same as you, cynical voice nagged her. Isn't this why you are so suspicious of him - because in him you see yourself? Maybe you don't hear what he says - you hear your own thoughts, echoed in his words. You too are not Starfleet - look at all the things you have done during the last few years. The rules you obey are your own. You keep away from her because you have decided to, not because some Starfleet rules demand so. When he said that we all wear masks sometimes, didn't it sound familiar? Don't mind the context he said it in. When he said that he wears some mask almost all the time, didn't it sound like your own thoughts?

All right, so I'm overcautious coward, my little voice. You know where this will end. Where it always ends. This time I will imagine it will be that oncoming vacation what will change something. I will tell myself that this is not the right time, that I must wait. I will say that this way the waiting can take forever. I will agree with myself that I cannot agree with myself. I will tell myself to shut up, and I won't listen. How about going to sleep? I really need it, don't I? With half the crew on leave, it will be another busy day tomorrow, won't it? I can argue with myself while trying to get some sleep, right? Yes.

*****

Several brightly colored fish darted away through the bushes of semi-aquatic lilies floating in the crystal blue waters of the small lagoon, frightened by the two figures in envirosuits that broke the surface in a cloud of bubbles. Tricorders in hands, the duo set out for a swim along the reef, several meters bellow the hightide line. The first voice, breaking the silence of this mute world about a minute later, belonged to Samantha Wildman.

"Next time I will allow Naomi to come with us, Susan. Exobiologist or not, sometimes I honestly don't understand her. She is worse than me - first she followed Seven's every step, then she became captain's assistant. She'll grow up as an oddball, knowing all cultures, belonging to none but this mix we have on Voyager. I wonder what she will do next, now with the leaves and with Seven gone off to study some subspace anomaly."

Lt. Nicoletti's reply came slowly and a little hesitantly.

"I can tell you what. Seven worked with us on the Traveller, so Naomi often came to see us, and every time she dropped by she asked Vorik for lessons in Kal'to, until he agreed."

"Kal'to? Did she say why?"

"Ermm... She said that you and Seven are the only ones who regularly play KadisKot with her, and that she wants to learn something for when neither of you is available. Naomi claimed that, with Kal'to being of Vulcan origin, learning from a Vulcan is a logical choice."

A slight trace of self-accusation appeared in Ensign Wildman's voice when she replied to this.

"And we never are available when another planet comes our way, Sam, I know. You people from engineering, when not working on maintenance, can come to suntan on the beach, but for Exobiology most planets we stop at mean nothing but overtime work."

Susan Nicoletti swam closer to her companion, tapped at her helmet to make her look up from the tricorder, and smiled.

"Cheer up, ain't the reward worth it? You knew that those tomato look-alikes taste like peaches, but I took a double helping of that salad yesterday. And if we find that damned seaweed before lunch we've got tomorrow off."

*****

Transporter room disappeared in a cloud of sparks, and Kathryn Janeway materialized in a place that rightly deserved the name Emerald Forest, given to it by Ensign Jenkins. The light filtered down through the canopy of trees seemed to give greenish tint to everything around, and with only sparse undergrowth you could see all the way to the lake and watch the small waves awakened by the breeze. Today, however, captain Janeway left behind the spot on the shore where some of the crew sometimes came to relax, and set out for a walk in the forest, trying to sort out her thoughts.

I'm walking here alone, away from all others, because I can't stand being alone in their company. Seven left this morning, and suddenly I feel like a stranger among my own crew. Lately I've spent so much time in her company, even if that time seemed to fly by, and now I feel how distant from others I have become.

Is this the reason why you build walls around yourself? Lately you've spent more time with her than with all the others together, and still you've shown not a sign of what you feel for her. When she was leaving today, how you watched the Franklin slowly accelerate into the void? On a workstation screen in your ready room. Have you found the courage to go down to the hangar to say her goodbye? No. You've even chickened out of that breakfast. She never gave you the faintest indication she might be attracted to you but that is not surprising. You've heard she's been described as The Ice Queen. How about you? She is former borg. What excuse do *you* have? Celibate Captain whose closest friends are an ex-borg and a Vulcan? Is this an excuse or a diagnose?

Shut up. Just like I said, isn't it? So I've wasted another chance. But now she is one more step closer towards being human, and I have not changed. I still love her, and she is another little step away from that ice queen. Why do you complain?

Because you have heard why Seven took only three Smith's lessons before they ended with them. They still spend some time together, but not at lessons in humanity anymore. He said that he can teach her putting on human masks for her to hide behind, but that he is too little of a human to help her become one herself, and once again you saw what is happening to you. For years, you are becoming more and more the mask of the Captain, and the person behind the mask disappears. How often is it your heart what causes you to smile, instead of your brain telling you it is time to smile? Too rarely, one would say. Yes, to say all this is to exaggerate a little, you are still more than a cold stone statue, but don't you feel the ice creeping into your mind?

And what do you expect me to do, my inner self? You too accept the fact that I have certain obligations towards my crew, so at least you could try to tell me what other choices I have. Becoming romantic guided by her emotions is not something that would give us much of a chance of surviving here in Delta quadrant, is it? Of course my position does have side effects on my personality, but all I could do would be to give up the pips and place the curse upon someone else. I would do this with the excuse that the unlikely chance that this would melt the ice in Seven's soul is not zero. I would betray the trust of the crew, risk their lives, pass this burden of captaincy to someone else, and I would do it because I feel that my ability to feel emotions is too weakened. Would you, my little voice, let me do it, with this knowledge?

*****

Janeway was sitting in the mess hall, nibbling at the dessert, chatting with B'Elanna and Neelix, when she heard the sound of shattering glass and the concerned voice of Lt. Nicoletti.

"What happened? Are you OK?"

She turned in the direction of the voice and saw Samantha Wildman leaning over a table towards Smith. He sat frozen, his right hand holding an empty fork in mid-air, his left hand clutching bloodstained remains of a crushed glass, and more blood was slowly dripping onto the table. His eyes were glazed over, and he seemed oblivious of his surroundings. Captain saw Wildman look at him closely while checking for his pulse, and saw others watching this with confused expressions.

"Dr. Smith, do you hear me?"

Captain watched as Lieutenant Ayala drew his tricorder and run it over Smith's unmoving body.

"Increased brain activity, active implants, shallow cuts on his palm. I don't know what's going on."

Nicoletti tapped her badge.

"Nicoletti to Sickbay. Doctor, we have medical emergency in the mess hall."

"I'm on my way. This is more than mild case of food poisoning I suppose?"

Before anyone replied, Smith dropped both the fork and the crushed glass, and then he quickly said one word.

"Problems."

In the next moment he vanished, swallowed by violet sparks of Lone Traveller's transporter.

*****

"Janeway to Smith. Dr. Smith, what happened?"

Captain Janeway waited for a second or two, but no reply came.

"Computer, locate Dr. Smith."

"Dr. Smith is aboard Lone Traveller."

"Janeway to sickbay."

However, before she finished the sentence Doctor materialized in the mess hall.

"Captain?"

"Dr. Smith just transported from here to his ship. For a few moments he behaved strangely, as if he was in some shock, unmoving, as if his body was not entirely under his control, and then he transported out."

Not giving Doctor the chance to reply, Tuvok's voice came over Janeway's badge.

"Bridge to Janeway. Lone Traveller is preparing for immediate departure. Decompression sequence already started. Dr. Smith does not respond to our calls."

Captain Janeway was already outside the door when she started to reply.

"Lock the hangar door. I'm on my way to the bridge."

"Lock control override successful. Received message from Dr. Smith. Message reads: Franklin disabled, I am leaving. Sensors show that Lone Traveller's disruptors are online; he fired low-power pulse at the hangar door. The pulse caused no damage, therefore it is probably a signal of his determination."

"Red alert. Unlock the hangar door. Contact Franklin."

Turbolift door was still opening when captain Janeway walked through it onto the bridge. When she seated herself into her chair, Harry reported in a slightly confused tone.

"Franklin does not respond to our calls. Our long-range sensors do not detect it; something from that anomaly must block them. I'm still trying."

Captain Janeway felt like her heart just missed a beat. Then came Tuvok's voice.

"Lone Traveller is moving towards the anomaly near Franklin's last known position, warp 8.4; its systems are switched into combat configuration."

Then Kim's again.

"Detecting hidden communication, Borg style, limited range, two sources. First source is Lone Traveller. Second source is in the vicinity of the anomaly, its characteristics correspond to Seven's neural transceiver. Decryption attempts unsuccessful."

Captain felt adrenaline rushing through her veins as both her body and her mind entered the state where she would be ready to fight with every ounce of strength and wit she had.

"Transport everybody aboard. Prepare to leave the orbit as soon as possible, our course is Franklin's last position, warp 9."

Now there was nothing she could do to speed things up. It will take long, terrible minutes to transport all the working or relaxing crewmembers from the planet and from all the asteroids, but she cannot leave someone behind. Moving over to empty science station, she began working on decoding that encrypted signal.

Several minutes later, the signal suddenly disappeared. She started to search for it in case it only changed channel but Harry's voice interrupted her.

"Dr. Smith is calling us."

"On screen."

The screen showed Dr. Smith sitting in pilot's chair. His face was as if made of stone, and his voice empty of any inflection.

"The attacker was terminated in cooperation with third party. Communication with Seven cut off at predicted time. I am sorry to inform you that she is now isolated by unknown field. Engagement analysis suggests that she is not in immediate danger. I am moving in to pick up the rest of the away team. Encounter with additional hostile forces possible, probability non-estimal."

Janeway felt fear and sorrow rise somewhere inside her, but the feeling was dull, blunted, detached. The 'captain mode' her mind was now in prevented her emotions from overwhelming her. Act now, despair later, that's the principle. Her voice was firm and almost emotionless.

"What happened? Our sensors still don't pick up anything."

"At this moment I am unable to explain everything with certainty. The data available allows me only to speculate about recent events, although with low degree of uncertainty. The anomaly away team approached is caused by a connection between this space and an isolation zone outside normal spacetime. That strong graviton burst was caused by a ship breaking out. The containment field fluctuations required the planetoid where the overseeing authority is placed to drop into normal space to investigate. Escaped ship initiated an attack on the overseeing authority, landed on the planetoid, and then disabled the Franklin. Ship's only crewmember transported away team aboard his ship; he continued to display hostile behavior and was killed by Seven. Seven was able to gain partial access to his ship's systems, she contacted me and I helped her to increase our influence on the ship's systems, and possibly this intervention helped the overseeing authority to neutralize the attacking vessel. When the ship's computer determined that it is loosing the fight, it used unknown technology to create slow-time isolation field around the planetoid. Seven was able to transport other members of away team, dressed into envirosuits, outside the field's envelope before the field was created, but herself had to stay in the ship. As the attack on the ship was directed at its computers, there is little probability of it harming Seven. Ship's autodestruct procedure was turned off because the explosion would decrease the stability of the isolation field, and in any case, it uses ship's main power source, which was most probably disabled by overload caused by creating the field. Subspace disturbances now prevent communication, but we should be able to contact the away team in several minutes. My ETA is 1 hour 27 minutes."

While Captain listened to this detached voice as it listed the events, Kathryn fought the feelings of loss that clutched her soul. He is talking about 'overseeing authority'. He says 'most probably'. What if I have lost her? He sounds like Seven when under stress. Why the transports took so long? We should have gone to warp much sooner.

Dr. Smith, seemingly oblivious of the effect his words had on those on the bridge, continued in his hollow voice.

"My sensors are unable to determine whether additional hostile ships can arrive, although available data suggest that the gate began to collapse. It is possible that more ships will get through, but if the gate collapsed this should take several hours or more. Fadeout of induced spacetime anomalies non-estimal. Prognosis for using Voyager to arrive sooner than my ship non-estimal. Finished sending you salvaged portions of Franklin's sensor logs. Orders?"

Captain considered all this.

"Harry, how long before our sensors can penetrate there? And Smith's?"

"Maybe ten or twelve minutes, five for degraded performance. Dr. Smith is now a little closer, but for his sensors it's still two or three minutes later. All this assuming that what my guess at what goes on in there is correct."

"Alright. Tom, keep us on course towards Franklin's last position. If that supposed gate still exists when our sensors get there we'll go to maximum warp and try to get our people before another ship appears. If it doesn't, slow down to warp 6. Dr. Smith, continue on your course. Harry, why the uncertainty? And what strong graviton burst is Dr. Smith talking about?"

Harry, his face showing intense concentration as he went through all the data on his console, slowly began to reply.

"Franklin's last sensor logs we now have, timestamped 12 minutes ago, 20 seconds after the unknown ship jumped through the gate, show that attacker's arrival was accompanied by graviton and high-energy radiation pulses, their geometry similar to briefly opening wormhole. The gate also caused slowly weakening subspace disturbances and spacetime deformations. These might be the reason why our own sensors didn't detect anything. Franklin's sensors didn't detect any signs of this gate staying open. 3 seconds later large planetoid appeared near in normal space, sensors giving weird readings but no apparent cause. Sensor logs end with abnormal termination. No logs for the cause of the current situation. Without further analysis I don't even know what to look for in all this; the physics looks quite complicated."

Captain pressed on, methodically, only marginally aware that Kathryn now agreed to ask the same question as the Captain.

"Understood. Start that analysis, Harry. Dr. Smith, can you explain that encrypted communication?"

"Because of the neutralization of away team's communicators their only means of communication were Seven's implants combined with alien ship's systems. I consider Borg communication capabilities to be quite interesting; when I had the chance to gain limited access to this technology I did so. Although I am not able to utilize it fully, partly because I am not a borg drone, with the help of Lone Traveller's sensors and computer I am able to use many borg information and instruction exchange protocols. The Borg do know their own encryption algorithms, and therefore we have used different ones. Seven knew I am the one here best able to use such technology. I have experience with non-human beings. It was logical."

*****

Now it was four hours later, the Voyager was sitting in space near that damned barrier, and Captain Janeway saw the price she will have to pay in the future. She was still composed and professional. Harry's calculations were correct, no second ship appeared, and should not do so for some more time. Ensign Baytart and Delaney sisters were safely aboard. But Seven remained behind that unyielding barrier. Janeway was now the Captain. Later she will become Kathryn, she will hide in her quarters, and she will have to turn off some of her mental walls. Then the realization of what happened will strike fully. But now she was the Captain. The future will have to look after itself.

"Computer, open Captain's log, supplemental. With the incomplete sensor logs from Franklin, with the reports from the three luckier members of the away team and with Dr. Smith's explanations we managed to reconstruct what happened. The anomaly that was the cause of seemingly causeless graviton bursts was in fact a connection to a region of spacetime isolated from this universe. Someone, long time ago, created this place outside our universe to imprison some aggressive race. We know little more than how they call themselves - the Rilger, the Aware Ones. At least one of them found out how to get out, and done it just when we were near. His ship was much more advanced than Voyager is, and when whatever was on that planetoid came to recapture him, he almost won. He was winning, and he has decided to check on us lower lifeforms. He transported away team from disabled Franklin aboard his ship, and he used some unknown fields to paralyze its members. He underestimated Seven, because with her implants she was able to resist the paralysis enough to leave the cell. When he attacked after she surprised him, Seven injected lethal nanoprobes into his body, and turned off the field. Then she contacted Smith, and together they managed to penetrate into some parts of the ship's computer systems. The ship, without its captain, sabotaged from within, lost the fight against whoever was on the planetoid, but as the last weapon it used some unknown means to create a barrier around the whole planetoid, barrier inside of which time runs much slower than outside, giving the weakened enemy on the planetoid less time to recover before the next attack. Barrier which now holds Seven. Seven who managed to transport others into safety when she understood what is going to happen but who had to stay connected to the ship to keep fooling it into believing that no member of the away team is a valid target. Computer, close log."

Remember the words you read so long ago? "Life becomes existence; you do not stay awake for the pain of your memories and you do not sleep for the fear of your dreams." How long you will hope? A day? A week? A month? You've always decided to wait a little longer, because you couldn't rush your chances, and now you have no chance at all. Always afraid of what will happen if you open yourself you've never said anything. And now? You're too much of a Captain, and too little of a human. You sit here, crying on the inside, but in a little while you will get up, leave this room, and you won't show anything. You call this love?

"Computer, continue my personal log. Now I have to get up from my seat, go into the conference room, and tell them what to do. I want to tell them that we will stay here, we will risk arrival of another ship that could kill us all, and we will try to get Seven out from the barrier that was created to keep inside something capable of imprisoning enemies we are no match for. What can I say? She owns my heart; she is the part of my soul I never knew I was missing until I've met her. Is this enough to endanger the whole ship? No. I'm their captain. I know I might function without her. I was their captain long before I've met her. If we have to leave, I will give such an order. I will try to do everything possible to save her, but then I will give the order to leave. And then I will hate myself for the rest of my life. .. Close .. log."

*****

Captain Janeway sat in her chair at the head of the table and her gaze traveled from person to person. The faces were professional but she felt the sympathy, the feeling of loss they all shared. Even B'Elanna, who was not exactly friends with Seven, seems to be feeling this as a loss of one of us. Tuvok's face was almost empty - almost, but he was her old friend, she was able to see the signs there too. Smith, standing in the corner, had that stone face she remembered from his first days on Voyager. Just like Tuvok, only I'm not used to reading him. They are all here, prepared to do their best. Supportive, loyal. She took a deep breath.

"Let's start. The first question is, how much time do we have? Tuvok?"

"It is impossible to predict this with certainty. At this moment, our analysis is not finished, but following speculations are based on safe estimates. Time inside the isolated volume is most probably slowed down more than ten thousand times. Radiation levels and spacetime deformations observed during the jump, together with available tactical data on the enemy ship, allow us to expect that another such ship can follow only after a minimum of twenty seconds after the first one. This means that another ship should not appear here for at least two days. Additional research should tell us more, but I expect this interval only to lengthen."

*****

First hours, then days came and went, and nothing happened. Nothing came to fill the emptiness Captain Janeway felt. Her mind was not completely lost in the darkness, but there was only light enough to dimly see what is happening. Enough to see the inner Kathryn cry, but not enough to see the road ahead by. Not enough to chase away nearing shadows.

This doesn't require me to be a prophet. I can't let myself understand what happened, I can't let myself feel what happened. I will get her out. Then, let the shadows come. As long as they stay away, let them grow. Maybe they will eat away some of my feelings, but I can accept such a price. For her, I will pay it.

And why do you think there will be anything left from your soul? For how long you can leave your emotions behind you, in the darkness? Now you don't feel anything. You are merely existing. All that is left to you are the weak remains of your emotions, the remains you were not able to separate yourself from, and the voices trying to reach to you from the dark night. If you will go on like this, hiding from yourself behind the walls of stone, will there be anything left to return to? Or will you find that much of what was you is now but a handful of cold ash? Are you really prepared to accept such a price?

Yes. Because only if I agree to pay it I might buy myself a chance to find something to return to. Someone.

*****

Few minutes ago, the computer chirped and stated that decryption was completed successfully. Some of the parts of the communication between Seven and Smith that he refused to disclose lied bare in front of her. Now, after listening to the results, Janeway sat on the couch in her quarters, legs drawn to her chest, arms wrapped around them. The half-empty cup of cold coffee sat on the table, forgotten. Her thoughts were jumping from one direction to another. Slowly, painfully, she managed to impose some sort of order on the chaos in her mind, but her heart was now aching even more, something she would have not thought possible only a while ago. Once again she suppressed the emotions trying to overwhelm her, once again she called on her thinning reserve of iron will, and she felt the voices in her mind weaken. All the questions can wait for the morning. It is almost two past midnight. I should be getting some sleep. But she remained in her position, and minutes slowly ticked by. When she finally stood up, she headed for cargo bay 2.

The memories that came back when Janeway paused in front of the door evaporated when she entered. She saw the unmistakable figure of Dr. Smith in one of his black suits sitting beside Seven's alcove, his hands in its insides. The alcove was off-line, and some parts of it were already arranged on the floor.

Anger, mixed with tears, rose within her, while her emotions again tried to break from their prison, clawing at her consciousness from behind the bars. The arrogance! What gives him the right... He stopped his work to turn his head towards the door just as she started to open her mouth. Thanks to years of experience, there was only a slight trace of anger in Janeway's voice.

"What are you doing here?"

The voice that replied was, besides sounding tired, empty of any inflection.

"I am disassembling Seven's alcove."

The words, though only confirming the obvious, temporarily silenced the captain. The memory of last moments of conversation between this man and Seven, the memory of words she decoded only a short while ago, flashed through her mind.

*****

[begin transmission, plain-voice sub-track]

"Now I almost regret I progressed so far towards humanity. Without that, I would not feel what I feel now."

"We will try to get you out. I can keep trying for a long time."

"I will of course try to use the ships. We both know the situation."

"Sorry. Do you want to say something to the others?"

"No time. I ... liked ... their company. Tell them all the appropriate niceties. You can approximate what I would say."

"I will try. And some of your secrets?"

"What is not in my diary must remain secret. I must not reveal it now. You should know why."

"I thought so, but I had to say it."

"I thought so, but I had to say it."

Silence, long, empty, endless. It lasted less than half a minute but seemed eternal, and then Smith's crackly voice broke it.

"So far the search of my databases found no usable information describing similar field. All I can find are some vague informations and speculations."

"We expected that. Spectroscopic analysis completed."

"I finished more precise translations. Both transmissions should be completed before your signal is cut off."

"I already began adapting the interface."

"The timeflow change factor?"

"Still unknown. Maybe if I thy..cho..reb.."

[end of transmission - signal lost]

*****

I can keep trying for a long time, he said. Now he thinks we don't have to waste the energy, he turns the alcove off, and comes to get his greedy fingers on the technology. I understand the others, after a week of futile attempts they might begin to show some doubts, but not even one of them would do this.

Janeway felt the barriers around her inner self melting under the red-hot anger, unaware that other emotions beside anger were trying to be heard.

"What?!? What gives you the right to do this?!?"

"Your sleep. This might be..."

"My sleep? I am the captain of this ship! And I won't give up this soon. I won't shut this down just because you think she doesn't have a chance."

"Captain, I understand that this might seem..."

Janeway felt tears stinging in her eyes, all the feelings she was trying to hold back for so long now leaping at the opportunity, breaking through the weakened walls.

"You don't understand anything! She's down there behind that damn barrier, and I've lost her!"

She froze as the realization of what she just said hit her, and then the darkness fell upon her. All the pain, the sorrow, the loneliness, all this, no longer kept at bay by her mental walls, tore at her soul. With the last remains of her will she snapped at Smith.

"Leave her alcove alone. We'll talk about this the first thing in the morning."

Then she turned and walked away, aware that any moment now she will no longer be able to hold back the tears. The door hissed shut behind her.

"Computer, intra-ship transport, to my quarters."

*****

Janeway was still on the couch, half asleep, curled into small ball of misery, when the lights came up to signify morning watch. She spent several seconds trying to force herself to get together, and then she became fully alert in one short moment when the door chimed urgently to announce Dr. Smith and Ensign Vorik. She let them in, and ignoring Vorik's presence, she let her anger fill her voice.

"Dr. Smith, I have indeed said 'the first thing in the morning', but don't you think you are going too far?"

"No. We have found a way to get past the barrier."

Now she was glad that she was Captain, not Kathryn. Even Smith wouldn't joke about this. Not if he valued his own life. She limited herself to one single word.

"Continue."

"We are unable to destroy it or to open any hole in it, but there *is* a way inside. That is, if some extrapolations are confirmed by new experiments. Then we can affect the barrier enough to get a bubble of space several meters in diameter behind the barrier. It will not open, but it will swallow something. We can use an escape pod to get inside. The equations this plan is based on are mostly yours and Ensign Kim's; you should be able to verify our results quickly. However, considering time is of importance, I suggest you authorize the next stage of preparations as soon as possible."

She turned towards Vorik.

"Can you start this plan to get past the barrier without Dr. Smith's assistance?"

Vorik nodded, his face not showing any signs of him noticing the outburst of anger he witnessed.

"Yes."

"Begin immediately."

"Aye, Captain. Does this mean I am dismissed?"

Captain fought the urge to accompany her reply with a rude dismissing gesture, and much of the anger disappeared from her voice.

"Yes. And now, tell me more, Dr. Smith. Is it possible to use the same technique to leave the barrier?"

"Probably not, plus the escape pod cannot carry the equipment necessary. I believe, based on Seven's observations, that it should be possible to modify this technique to the conditions inside the barrier and to utilize the wreckages of Rilger ship and Franklin, but now this is possibly a one-way ticket. I am willing to accept the risk."

Smith's voice was still cold, unemotional, but as captain studied both his voice and his face she began to wonder if they aren't similar to hers, if Smith isn't another one keeping his emotions trapped inside.

I'm now operating as an unfeeling drone, and although I've seen him smiling, he is someone Seven was comfortable around. Others try to hide how much Seven's loss affects them, why shouldn't he? I don't doubt Tuvok, so why Smith? Maybe he's like me, hiding from himself behind emotional detachment, and when I exploded on him, it was partially because I was angry with my own logical self.

When Smith finished, captain left her thoughts for later, and slightly tilting her head she replied in almost neutral tone.

"You want to go inside? Why?"

"We do not know for sure how to leave the inside of the barrier. The idea our solution is based on was not purely mine, we based it on the work of Ensign Kim's team and created it using, beside other means, some of my non-sentient, non-human artificial intelligences, so no single person is the enlightened genius. We do not know how slowly the time inside runs. We do not know many other things. I predict that sending someone inside should improve overall success rate. All factors considered, it is impossible to estimate how much time will pass outside the barrier before it will be possible to get out. This means away team might return hours, months or even millennia after entering the barrier. The vessel that should be left here should this interval be too long for Voyager to stay here is Lone Traveller. Candidates for away team should display not only professional competence, but also acceptable personal characteristics. I am, in my opinion, one of the few persons fit for this mission."

Captain Janeway felt ... strange. Part of her was floating on a sea of bliss, delighted beyond description by the chance she was given, hoping this will not turn out to be another false hope, this time more bitter than all others because she almost believed it. Another part of her was disgusted with herself for being so cold, for detachedly observing her own feelings. Captain with capital C again? Ready to pay? Seeing yourself as the Captain, as the duranium demigod Starfleet captains are often thought to be? And yet, you are willing to sacrifice everything for one more smile of those achingly beautiful lips. Seconds slowly passed by as, once again, different parts of her mind tried to make themselves heard. Then she felt something in her give up and her confusion was gone. Her voice was firm and determined.

"Fine, I'll take you with me. Because I'm going in there myself."

Now it was Smith who for a second or two remained silent, his face giving no indication of what was going through his mind. Then he answered, still Vulcan-like.

"I understand, I believe. You are accepted. I warn you, Captain. I respect your authority but I am in no way bound by it. Training simulation Smith Tau 72 is available to you as of now. I have taken the liberty of reserving holodeck 2, and now I expect you to complete your lessons before 11:00. If you will excuse me."

"No. You are dismissed, but I expect both you and Vorik to attend the meeting at 8:00, prepared to explain everything. Especially last night's events, Dr. Smith."

*****

"Computer, activate program Smith Tau 72."

Captain Janeway entered the holodeck, and found herself in the transporter room. The door behind her hissed shut, and then someone materialized on the transporter pad. It was captain Janeway, dressed in what looked very similar to Starfleet's envirosuit for extreme conditions. At her side materialized quite large transport container. Without waiting for Janeway to say something the hologram started to open the container as it spoke.

"The first piece of equipment you are to acknowledge yourself with is the suit I'm wearing. Based on standard suit, duranium layers giving increased protection to torso, head and thighs are added, and personal shield system elements are incorporated into belt, helmet and torso plates. The shield alone should provide full-body protection from radiation hazards expected to occur during the mission but would not stop phaser fire or equivalent threats."

This somewhat unexpected tutor, after pulling several boxes out from the container, handed her a twin of the envirosuit it was wearing, and continued.

"When you dress, please try to memorize all the equipment your suit carries while I explain details of the plan to you. The first scenario starts with a simple walk on the surface of the target planetoid. Expected conditions are as follows: apparent gravity, 0.19G; temperature,..."

*****

When Janeway exited the holodeck less than two hours later her brain felt inflated with all the knowledge her holographic tutors pumped into her and her body was bruised after a dozen catastrophes that would have killed her in reality. This was only a simulation but some of the safety protocols were loosened a bit and Janeway grimly speculated about Smith's thought processes, aware that he probably placed her into programs designed for his somewhat different physiology. Is this oversight, realism, or is he trying to suggest I should not go?

*****

Captain Janeway entered the Conference Room just in time, and she saw all others at their usual places. It was obvious from their faces that they have not heard even as much as suspect rumors about her position in this latest plan, because she was quite sure that they wouldn't be happy in the least with the idea. Determined not to let them convince her to give up her decision she began.

"Good morning. Let's not waste time. Harry, B'Elanna, what are your opinions on the plan?"

Harry Kim, without turning to the display behind him where Smith stood, spoke in calm voice.

"It should work. Those last excitation tests were successful. I've gone over Dr. Smith's and Vorik's equations and I can't find any errors. They are mostly applications; there is no problem with them, even with many parameters outside expected ranges. I'm still worried about some of mine, mainly those strange ones we were not sure how we came up with, but if they are incorrect all that will happen will be that we will waste some more energy into that barrier. Those faulty programs luckily allowed us to create them, so I'm not complaining to the programmers too much."

This was news to the Captain. She and Kim were the ones who created most of the hypothesis this attempt was based on. When they managed to advance a large step ahead, three days ago, they were quite surprised when they saw that some of the solutions Voyager's computer gave them, while obviously working, were far from what they expected them to be.

"What do you mean, faulty programs? Have you found out why we got those strange results?"

"Yes, I've found out yesterday. It was a damaged segment of the program, and one function sometimes fed badly formatted input to the solver. The equations are different, but obtained parameters are correct. This garbled input once gave us an output that contained exactly what we were looking for; without this luck we would have had to work for five or six weeks before getting the same results."

"Well, luck counts too. B'Elanna, how about you?"

"The work on the escape pod should be finished around 11:00, and deflector recalibrations at 11:20. Everything else should be finished before 10:30. There is only one problem," B'Elanna turned her head towards Vorik, "the suit Nicoletti and her people worked on is not your size. I've noticed this only shortly before coming here and therefore we've lost almost two hours. She's working on a new one right now, but we'll have to delay the launch, say to 12:10."

Oh well, time's up, Katie. Put the cards on the table.

"This won't be necessary, B'Elanna. The suit is for me." She tapped her badge. "Captain to Nicoletti. Lt. Nicoletti, resume the work on the first envirosuit as requested by Ensign Vorik, and stop the work on the second one. It won't be needed."

"Aye, Captain."

Now she felt as if her audience turned into some kind of astonished black hole. Everyone was silent, but the silence was of the kind that sucks more words from the speaker.

"I understand you expected that away team for this mission will be Dr. Smith and Ensign Vorik, but Dr. Smith's original plan was for him to go alone, and then I have decided to go there myself and to take him with me. Before you say anything, I would like to explain some things. First, my knowledge of physics can be very helpful in this situation. Second, this is potential first contact situation, and the civilization we are dealing with is apparently quite advanced. Third, I was told by Smith's holograms that I'm the best candidate to be added to the away team, so you can ask him too, as a warm-up."

Janeway's voice suddenly gained more than a little defiance, and she continued.

"I definitely intend to go. The plan is Smith's and Vorik's idea, even if they used our results, and I'm the captain; you can try to find better candidates, but you won't find any, I think. Now, feel free to comment."

The silence was now different, more busy rather than surprised. The first one to break it was Tuvok, who turned towards Smith.

"Dr. Smith, can you explain us your reasoning in this matter?"

"Only partially, we do not have enough time. I acknowledge Ensign Vorik's help, but as I was the one who came up with the idea I reserved the right to make crucial decisions to myself. I have considered not only professional abilities of possible candidates but also their psychological profile. I find Captain Janeway to be best capable of dealing with what might occur. Good way of illustrating this might be mentioning several examples. First, it is possible that the away team will have to survive in hostile environment for years. We won't be able to carry enough supplies to last us that long. Possibly the best way to deal with this is to have other members of the away team other than me assimilated by Seven, because we have to carry portable regeneration unit anyway. How many volunteers? Second, because of unknown timeflow rate, away team members might leave the barrier months or centuries later. This will mean that universe as you know it will be only a memory, and they will have to travel alone in a small ship through unknown, aware that there might not be anything or anybody to return to. Even if we return sooner, we still might have to chase after Voyager in my dear little Lone Traveller. How many volunteers? Third, the members of the away team must be prepared to spend prolonged period of time in the company of both Seven and me, and we all should be compatible enough not to drive anyone of us crazy. Well, at least not much more crazy than we already are. Considering all this, as well as reasons mentioned by Captain Janeway, are there any candidates better suited for this mission than Captain Janeway and I are?"

"Your logic appears to be without error. However, your criteria are questionable, because you do not include Voyager into your reasoning. Will your conclusions change if you do so?"

"It is not appropriate for me to comment on Captain's decision in this matter, and therefore I have to accept it; although I am aware of the fact that her decision might have negative impacts it is her responsibility to make such decisions, and, in my opinion, her decision is not dangerous enough to require my intervention. If she wishes I might pile arguments against her choice but until then I feel this decision to be something I should not discuss."

Tuvok turned his gaze from Smith towards Janeway, and in his expression she saw his unspoken thoughts. Then he said one word. "Understood." And he let the others speak.

*****

In the end she won. For half an hour they all tried to argue with her, to convince her, to make her see what she is doing, but she won. Now, as she was heading for holodeck 2, her resolve began to weaken. Tuvok is right, she mused. The others do not know why I do this, but he recognized the signs long ago. Others think that it is responsibility, that it is duty, that it is any one of a number of such things. Maybe some of them suspect something but they don't listen to such suspicions. You, dear Tuvok, you didn't have to say much. You think I have to make the decision myself. You think that this is too complicated a matter, and that simple logic cannot help me. What should I do? I should not go on a mission like this. My own feelings have too great an influence on my decisions. I am Starfleet captain. I should know the price one must pay. Maybe I will feel terrible, maybe I will lose another piece of my soul to the darkness, but I'm still the captain of this ship. As Seven often said: I will adapt. I will not let my emotions rule me. I am the captain, my emotions are not that important. She paused for a moment to open the door to holodeck, and stepped inside. What this ship now needs... And she froze. It was not at the sight of what was inside, at the sight of the partially armored suit that was standing by itself in the middle of the simulated transporter room where she left it, but because of the image this evoked in front of her mind's eye. She saw Seven of Nine, her exoskeleton back, all her Borg implants back, saying again what she heard from her too many times before. "Emotions are irrelevant."

Kathryn remained motionless, and her mind was slowly recovering from the shock the memory of those words caused. Dear god. Look at this. I claim to be human, yet I almost succeeded in creating another borg.

Out of me.

No. I will not become a cold mind hidden inside a hollow shell. I will not let myself slowly erase all that makes me human being. What good would be life so cold and empty? I saw where this way leads hundreds of times before. I thought I can control this, but maybe it is not so. Maybe if there is nothing to point out what happens with you colors simply slowly fade out of your life without you really noticing it. You think it must be an illusion, a trick your memory plays on you, and then it's suddenly too late and you realize you have already crossed the line and there is no way you can stop your fall into the void. I am not yet emotionless enough to accept *this* price. Be there, and try to feel like a human again. Be there, or forever wonder.

"Computer, unpause the program."

*****

The escape pod was now only decimeters from the barrier, and they were waiting for the final preparations to be finished. Smith, who seemed paler than usual, sat opposite to her dressed in the same black envirosuit she saw him in the first time he appeared on Voyager's viewscreen.

"Now we are here alone, tell me, Dr. Smith. Why do you do this? You have said so many logical arguments about why I should do this that there was seemingly no other motive. But, I think you do not believe that explanation yourself. The ease with which you have avoided mentioning anything but your logical arguments means that you are skilled at withholding the truth while at the same time telling nothing but the truth, as I've seen today. So tell me, why do *you* do this?"

He sat silent, thinking out his words, before he slowly started to reply.

"Because of me. You do this because you care for Seven, and so do I, but there is a difference between us. You care for her, and you are willing to sacrifice a lot just because she means a lot to you. She is one of the dearest things to you, if last night's events are anything to judge by. I too care for her, but not to the extent you do. I really doubt that I am now capable of reacting to my emotions in the way you seem to. There is only a little human emotion left in me, but in Seven I can see myself. I can see in her the possibility that she will become like me, and I care for her enough to not to wish that to happen. Also, I am not entirely without feelings, and the ones I do have I treasure. This situation, for me, is a choice between losing more humanity and losing more emotionality. Well, goodbye humanity. You know I have said it might come to you having to become assimilated. For me, this is reality. The last week I was sleeping *in* my bed, that is inside the regeneration sargo built into it, and I was sleeping only four hours a day. I have more implants in me now than I have ever had in my whole life. I am doing all this, and other things, because it is *still better than not doing it*. I cannot gain much from it, but I would lose too much not doing it. I have moved quite far from humanity, but thanks to that I know the way, and I can help someone else not to walk too far in my direction. And I am enough of an optimist to believe that we can succeed. Does this answer your question?"

"Yes."

For a moment, the space between them was filled with silence, neither of them knowing what to say. Then Smith straightened up.

"Well, let's defy the probability. Time to go, if you agree."

He touched something on his wrist, and for a moment, his serious expression changed into an impish grin. When he spoke, his voice was that of a hero, of a demigod, ready to take on joined armies of heaven and hell.

"Hoka-hey, Commander Chakotay. Send us into the fire."

Chakotay's voice, tense, but with a hint of humor, sounded too loud in the pod.

"Dr. Smith, your love for epic tales will have to rough this, but six more minutes remain before we reach the scheduled jump time. Two plasma relays seemed a little unreliable to Lt. Torres, and she is checking them right now, so please wait. Voyager out."

*****

A beam of matter and energy emanating from the deflector dish, precisely modulated and targeted, struck the black surface. In a fraction of a second this previously inert barrier became rippled as complex patterns of waves spread across it, while eerie red glow filled the space around, engulfing the escape pod. The needle of light, continuing its dance over this shifting landscape, forced the will of those who controlled it to the barrier, and it yielded. For a moment the black waves towered over the small escape pod, growing higher and higher. Then they fell, swallowing it. The light disappeared, called off, and instantly all the waves vanished as if they never existed. The escape pod was gone.

*****

For about six seconds they saw the world through the red haze surrounding everything around. They saw the black walls rise, and then, in microseconds, the pod was flung through the barrier. Its engines began the slow descent through the darkness to the planetoid bellow, and sensors came alive and invisible fingers started to search the cratered surface for signs of life or technology.

Captain's hands hovered over her console as she carefully watched the readouts.

"I've found only two ships on the surface, four hundred kilometers from us. Franklin, and that Rilger ship. Our sensors cannot penetrate more than one kilometer under the surface, and the Rilger ship is even without shields about as transparent as a brick. Well, at least the hull shields the insides from the radiation coming from the barrier surface. Land near the ship, Dr. Smith. No lifesigns anywhere else."

Captain Janeway focused the sensors on Franklin, and her heart jumped as she read her displays. "Franklin's been stripped of much of the equipment. Do you see these readings? If nothing has played with Franklin's hull, about sixteen hours passed in here. The timeflow factor we wanted to know is only about one to eight."

"I see. The radiation levels are much lower than we have expected, and generally the particle energies are pretty low. It seems that that Rilger computer went down sooner than it expected, and that this slow-time bubble is unfinished. Landing in two minutes."

*****

The Voyager was now far away, in different time and place, but Janeway again felt herself becoming The Captain. When the door of the escape pod opened, she realized that only a few hundred meters from here she might find Seven, and her protective mechanisms woke up. All right, so you refuse to become an unemotional drone. But now there is a work to do, people to see, place to get out of. Do us a favor; try to control your emotions.

All these thoughts vanished halfway to the alien ship, when, walking through the total darkness the world was engulfed in, the light of her wrist lamp revealed the footprints. Footprints made by a human in Starfleet envirosuit. They led in both directions in many layers, obviously made by someone walking the same way several times over, and following them with her gaze she realized they connected the Rilger ship with Franklin. Angry at the thick gloves she - so slowly! - set the tricorder in her suit to analyze the footprints. The last ones led into the alien ship. She is in there! With legs trembling a little, she managed those last few jumps to the ship. The footprints led under it, and glancing at Smith, who held a few meters behind her, she followed them. They found closed door, burned out controls removed, replaced with Federation-style ones. Janeway touched them, and the darkness the whole planetoid was shrouded in ran away from the bright light spilling outside from the opening door.

They both entered the ship, closed the outer door, Janeway pressed more controls, and waited for several seconds while atmosphere was pumped into the room. It was barely breathable, and remembering one of the deadly lessons she learned in Smith's simulations Janeway kept her helmet on. And as soon as the inner door began to open she keyed her suit's communicator.

"Seven, do you hear me? Are you..."

Before she finished the sentence, she heard the voice that filled her whole being with joy. The voice was unsure, as if the speaker did not believe her own ears but desperately wanted to. It was Seven.

"Captain? Is it you?"

Janeway was now out of the airlock, standing in a corridor, not knowing which way to go.

"Yes, Seven, it is me. Are you all right?"

"I am functioning. Have you found a way through the barrier? I am moving towards your position, so please do not move."

Seven's question caused a pang of worry to cloud the happiness Janeway felt at hearing that sweet voice, but this shadow was not strong enough to really hurt. The more logical parts of her mind, however, unhappily destroyed the hope she heard in Seven's voice.

"Not exactly. We managed to get in, and we hope to use some similar technique to get out. The 'we' being me and Dr. Smith. We got here in escape..."

At this moment Janeway heard the door behind her to open, and she turned in time to see Seven walk through it. In the envirosuit she was dressed in, she was much less attractive than in the biosuits she usually wore, but for Janeway the sight was something that dissolved more of the darkness and fear remaining in her soul. Silent, she watched Seven to walk towards them, and to stop only two steps away, looking at her. Janeway wanted to make those two steps, to touch Seven to be sure that she is real, but instead she remained unmoving, uncomfortably aware of Smith's presence beside her. For a few seconds nobody said anything, and then the silence was broken by Smith's voice.

"Timeflow is only one to eight. What is the status of this ship?"

"Uncompleted noncatastrophic self-destruction. Ninety seven percent of all computers destroyed, approximately two thirds of other primary systems damaged beyond repair. Main power source destroyed, two out of four backup fusion reactors destroyed, FTL engines melted, main shield generators short-circuited, structural integrity fields at seventeen percent, no artificial gravity on decks one to three, life support only on decks five to seven where it is at twenty three percent and falling, all missiles destroyed, primary and secondary directed energy weapons inoperative, effectors inoperative, transporters, sensors and replicators suffered minor damage but are inoperative because of the destruction of all computers, self-repair systems destroyed or inactive. One fusion reactor is now online, and nanoprobes are trying to repair the damage to sensors and to create necessary computing power. Most systems are too advanced for my nanoprobes to assimilate, and no usable information can be gained from ship's destroyed computers."

Smith pulled out of one of his pockets small box closely resembling one of borg data storage units, and stepped forward to hand it to Seven.

"This contains a list of our equipment and all available information on current situation. Any instructions?"

Seconds later, he turned around and without a word he disappeared into the airlock.

"Dr. Smith!"

Janeway then noticed Seven's gesture and the slight shake of head, and her voice became a little confused.

"What?"

"Communication over our implants. He is going to send the escape pod, by remote, closer to this ship so that we can more easily transfer all the equipment we will need. It is more efficient if he does this and simultaneously starts to update himself from my records downloaded into his suit's computer. I suggest we move into cargo bay one, where all the equipment from the Franklin is placed now. We all have to assimilate new information before deciding on our next course."

And with her last words Seven turned around and walked towards the door she came in through.

When they arrived in cargo bay one - a small room, not unsurprisingly considering the ship's size and purpose - Janeway stopped for a moment. The architecture here was not different from the rest of the ship, but somehow the pieces of Federation technology strengthened the feeling of not fitting in she had from the moment she saw the ship looming over her in the darkness. She sighed a little, and mumbled to herself. "Another hostile cargo bay?"

"Captain?"

"Sorry, Seven. Talking to myself. Well, let's get seated."

Finding amongst the few alien containers one about the right size to serve as a stool she pulled her workstation out from her backpack and began to study. Only occasionally she glanced up to look at Seven who stood with her back to the wall, unmoving. After a while, she paused again, and keyed the communicator.

"Janeway to Smith, where are you?"

"I am in engineering two, moving equipment into engineering two and sensors one sections. "After a pause, he added. "Being a little more familiar with this ship from our first encounter I am already finished with my study, although I have to admit I have skipped a little. Utilizing our equipment will allow the nanoprobes to concentrate on repairs of unavailable parts; we should gain limited sensoric capability in twenty minutes. Seven's logs show that there are fluctuations in the radiation from the barrier's surface, and I want to examine this with better sensors than those in her suit or in our pod as soon as possible, so I will read the skipped texts after the scans start."

"Fine, go ahead. Janeway out."

Captain again turned her eyes towards the screen of her workstation, and kept her gaze there for maybe five minutes. Then she had the feeling of being looked on, and raising her eyes she saw Seven gazing at her with strange, unreadable expression.

"What happened?"

"Why did you come in here? The plan was too dangerous. You should have stayed on Voyager."

The voice was flat, controlled, and Janeway heard in it only the faintest traces of ... confusion?

"Can you explain this?"

Seven's voice, when she replied, was the cold, analytical one she used when discussing technical problems, but some of the confusion remained in there.

"The risks were too great to send the captain as a member of the away team on this mission. Estimate was that the mission length will exceed two weeks with the probability of 90 percent plus, and estimated average mission length was six months. It is illogical for ship's captain to go on such a mission if the ship is in the situation Voyager is in. Dr. Smith refuses to explain the reasons behind this decision to me."

The situation Janeway feared from the moment she decided to go on this mission came. She spent most of the little free time she has had during the preparations thinking about what to say to Seven, trying to find something that would explain it. Now she felt all the words, words she rehearsed so carefully, evaporate from her mind.

"I ... decided to do this because I care for you. I have realized that reason is not always the best guide of our actions. Sometimes, sometimes we have to let our human side decide what to do. I felt that coming here is the ... the right thing to do. I felt that if I didn't come here I would lose some of that which makes me human. I was too often the Captain, the position, and too rarely the I. And this time the I, not the Captain, decided to come for you."

Now it was Seven who seemed to have troubles with finding the words. After a while, she slowly started to speak.

"I do not understand. I am borg. I will adapt to this situation. You weaken Voyager when you come here. You risk your friends, your position, your chance to return to your family in Alpha quadrant. Such decision is neither logical nor consistent with your normal behavior. Coming for me does not justify this. It is wrong that you risk so much for one individual."

For a moment one part of Janeway's mind considered asking Seven whether she would prefer her not coming here, but this thought was weak and short-lived. With a little self-pity she realized that as much honesty as possible is her only chance.

"I do not risk this for one individual. I risk this for you. You mean too much to me, and I've realized that .. that losing you would be worse than those other possibilities. I .. I don't know how to say this, how to explain this to you, I don't know if you can understand it now, but I ... grew too attached to you to leave you in here without doing my best to help you."

During this Janeway kept looking directly at Seven, and was a little surprised to notice what seemed like signs of .. empathy .. in that face. When Seven spoke again it was slowly, hesitantly, and her voice was sounding more unsure and confused than Janeway ever remembered it to be.

"Attached ... to me? I mean too much to you? You mean you ... you began to love me?"

Now when the words were out, even if it was not her who said them, Janeway felt .. better, as if some barrier between Seven and her just turned to dust.

"Yes. No. Yes. I mean, I, I .. love .. you for some time. But only when I lost you I realized how much you mean to me, how ... real my feelings are. And how important it is to listen to them." Janeway stood up and walked towards Seven, and then she gently grasped her unresisting hand. "I realize that this might be a little .. confusing, but please try to understand. I ... I understand you probably don't know how to respond to this, but I assure you I will not try to force anything. I don't want to hurt you. I .. I will keep away, and leave you to think about this. Maybe sometime you will ..."

She turned her eyes away, relaxed her fingers, letting go off Seven's hand, ready to walk away, to drown this under the urgency of current circumstances. She wanted to. But then she felt Seven's fingers tightening their grip, holding firmly onto her hand.

"I believe I already understand."

Janeway jerked her head up, looking into Seven's eyes, and she saw in them softness that she never seen there before. Seven's face was not smiling, but nevertheless the expression was one of happiness, sadness, understanding, confusion, joy, uncertainty, of all this combined into a sight that spoke volumes. Tightening her own grip in response she forced her revolting voice to work.

"You mean you feel .. you are in love .. with me?"

"I think I am."

They stood like two statues, looking into each other's eyes, for time unmeasured. Then, with her mask of cold borg returning, Seven spoke.

"We should return to our work, Captain."

Janeway blinked, and released Seven's hand. "Yes, you're right. First, we have to get something done. Then we can discuss .. us." She walked back to her workstation, and sitting down she turned her head to look at it.

Forcing herself Kathryn managed to focus on the data on the screen, but the working part of her mind felt surrounded by a haze of exhilaration. She was unsure of exact details of Seven's feelings, but one thing she *was* sure of. There *is* something to build on. You've been blind as a bat, Kate. You hide yourself behind protective mask of a captain, and you do not notice others doing the same thing. She knows she is neither human nor borg, and she feels lost and vulnerable. Of course she builds protective walls around herself. You've been doing everything possible to hide your own feelings, pretending there are none, and you are surprised she's been hiding hers? Of course the feelings she calls love are not the same as what normal humans feel, but admit they are real - remember what you've seen, what you've felt. You are one lucky girl.

*****

Janeway was lying on her side, becoming more and more aware of the hard, uncomfortable parts of her envirosuit, and her arms were beginning to protest against the strain she put them through. She was in one of the narrow tubes that run throughout the ship, this one opening into engineering section few meters behind her. For almost four hours, they were repairing some of the less damaged equipment, and now her thoughts once again began to wander.

Seven is now out there in the darkness, working on sensor arrays and tachyon emitters, Smith is up around sensors one section trying to get into sensors the power input I computed will be needed, and it is me who has to sweat in these little holes getting the second fusion reactor online. You are the smallest of us, hah! Some well-trained snake would be the one best suited for this job. This civilization's engineers must have been more than a little on the skinny side.

The weak shock wave transferred through the hull hit her the same instant she heard a distant explosion. "Smith?" Not waiting for a reply she began to get out of the tube. "What happened? Do you hear me?" She was halfway out when she heard his voice.

"Situation under control. One of the energy conduits blew up, my mistake. I am somewhat shaken, could you wait for a minute or two? Scratch this, we can bypass it. Could you go outside and get Seven? She too is finished with sensors, they are as working as we can wish for now, and Seven should be better at analyzing the barrier. I will meet you on the bridge. Smith out."

When they entered the bridge they found Dr. Smith already there, sitting in one of the chairs they moved into the room an hour ago. His originally matt-black suit was sooted, with shallow dents in several places it looked pretty battered, and his face was red, and covered with multicolored bruises.

Janeway turned her concerned gaze towards Smith, scared a little by the sight.

"Are you alright?."

"No, I am not alright, but I can manage. The rest will heal soon, but my natural vision is down under 20 percent for two days minimum, and with my ocular implants also damaged I am down to 70 percent in visible and 40 percent in infrared. Well, they say that experience you can walk away from is cheap at any price, so I think this lesson can still be considered cheap. I am lucky that my ugly face will be healed before B'Elanna gets to see me; she would laugh like crazy and give me long lectures on safety protocols."

Janeway watched Seven as she seated herself behind one of the consoles salvaged from the Franklin to start the work, and then she turned her eyes back to Smith.

"What happened?"

"I decided to test the conduits under full load, and I overlooked that control systems will override safety limitations I placed on one damaged but working conduit. Then I thought I could correct this oversight before test sequence gets to the full load, unafraid because I knew my suit can stand it in the event I am too slow and it blows up, and of course the relay went off into my face. The field and the suit absorbed most of the explosion, but too much visible and ultraviolet light leaked through. Next, the blast banged me against the wall a little too hard. So, now I am half-blind and stuffed with medication. Seems I am too keen on getting out of here fast." Leaning back in the chair, he turned to his console, but his hands remained on the chair's armrests.

Captain paused for a moment to look at his resting form, and then walked to her workstation.

"Let us see if we can get out of here at all. Seven, do you need our help?"

*****

The black barrier was getting closer once again, and Janeway felt herself becoming more nervous. The way in which the two others solved her problems with insufficient energy certainly helped this feeling a lot. Smith and Seven came to the same solution, both of them ignoring all Starfleet regulations, as well as what Janeway considered advisable degree of caution, and she was unable to convince them to try to find another way. Few hours back the trio began the attempts to modify the method that worked for getting inside the barrier to something that would get them out, and it was Janeway who came up with the most promising way. The trouble was, the pair of patched up fusion reactors was not enough for the impulse that would destabilize the barrier enough to allow them to create a pocket similar to the one that got them here, and when the trio once again paused to compare their ideas Smith offered the crazy solution of the kind Janeway was getting used to from him. Seven, possibly because of Starfleet's influence, initially kept the idea to herself, but when Smith said it out loud she eagerly jumped to it. In fact, she immediately suggested more detailed variant of the idea, proving she's been working on it too. So now Janeway sat in the escape pod, her fingers were on the console controlling both pod's and Rilger ship's sensors, and four kilometers behind the pod piloted by Seven was Franklin's warp core, hanging on a monofilament salvaged from alien ship's impulse engines.

Having survived being burned once, Smith the optimist plays with fire again, and Seven doesn't know better than to join him. Imagine putting this into a log: we will fly towards the barrier on such a trajectory that when we change it the core will continue on ballistic curve towards it, narrowly missing it. To shield the pod from the explosion we need this must be timed so that the core will detonate when it is in a valley behind one of the ripples we *can* generate from the Rilger ship. When it detonates, there will be twenty six seconds to get into position and create the jump bubble. The warp core must remain connected to us, on the monoline, until it explodes, because if we miss the precise moment we will have to call this off and try again. I've never believed that love could drive me truly mad, but look at us. I must be out of my mind to do this. Even if she lacks the intuition the really great pilots show, she is the most precise pilot we might wish for, but still...

Janeway tensed when she heard Seven's calm voice.

"Moving into starting position. Beginning ascend maneuver .. now."

*****

Commander Chakotay sat in the captain's chair, and his tired mind slowly realized that only ten minutes remain to the end of his shift. This was fourth day of their silent watch, and not a hint of change was visible on the barrier. Harry Kim's team worked overtime, unsuccessfully. Luckily, the crew do not know Tuvok's results. Smith, beside vague claims that the mission might last very long, avoided giving any numbers, and since Chakotay didn't like Janeway's order to leave after a week he asked Tuvok to estimate how long it will take before they return. The logical chief of security first warned that any such estimates are nothing but badly supported speculations with possible errors of several orders of magnitude, and then he said that his best estimate is five months. So, now the commander watched the time to slowly go by, and kept hoping that the luck that always seemed to stick to this crew will stay with its two lost members.

*****

As the energy from the Rilger ship flowed into the barrier, the void behind escape pod's viewports once again turned into red haze, and this illumination revealed the oily black waves of angered sea over their heads. Two beams of vibrating greenish light whipped this shifting surface, sending the waves higher and higher, and it was between these two ghastly fingers in the sky where Seven headed with the pod. Suddenly the pod's course changed and Janeway knew that the core behind them started to move as if it was a slingshot, the only significant forces affecting it being the weak gravity of this planetoid and the carefully computed residual tug from the monoline. All the patched up Rilger equipment was still working perfectly, and Janeway had a few seconds free before the next step. She cast quick glance at Smith, who gazed with unseeing eyes at the remote controls projected into his mind, then at Seven, who was busy with course corrections, and then she turned her eyes back to her own console. A moment later, she heard Seven again. "Fifteen seconds to detonation .. now."

*****

Chakotay instantly woke up from his dark thoughts when the viewscreen, automatics shifting focus onto a part of it that met predefined criteria set by Ensign Kim, came alive with the image of the escape pod heading away from the barrier, surrounded by expanding cloud of orange flames. Behind him, in the silence that filled the bridge, he heard Harry Kim's fingers tap-dance on his console; the pod on the screen changed its course to head towards Voyager. Then a voice came over the communication system.

"Janeway to Voyager. Open the bottles, we are returning home. I'm switching the pod on autopilot. Three to beam over."

*****

Captain Janeway seated herself at one of the places that offered a good view of the space around her ship, and let the sounds of the party around her fade away. All three of them had to make an appearance, but both Seven and Smith soon disappeared. Seven returned to cargo bay two, explaining it has been thirty-nine hours since she last regenerated. Smith, saying that he came here, in his own words, to prove that despite the fact that the tales of his idiocy are wildly exaggerated he is ready to face the sharp tongues, left in Doctor's company at the same time as Seven. Janeway managed to excuse herself for a short while, and left the party immediately after the other two. She almost run to the turbolift and she managed to step out of it in time to join Seven.

*****

During the whole walk they were both silent, and when the door to the cargo bay closed Janeway stopped at the controls to put a security lock on them. When she turned back, she saw that Seven was already standing in her alcove, but the regeneration cycle has not started. Moving towards the alcove's controls she remembered the times she stood there watching Seven sleep, and a smile flashed across her face.

"Seven, do you think you can wait a moment with your regeneration? I have to return to the party soon, but first I would like to discuss .. us."

"Yes, I can wait. I do not require regeneration that urgently, but I do not like participating in such social interactions as these parties. My lessons, however, taught me it is acceptable to excuse oneself with the explanation that one is too tired, and I have to admit that my condition can be described as being tired. Interacting with you does not make me want to use such an excuse. What do you wish to discuss?"

"Thank you. I have realized that I have said that I love you only once, and I want to change this. I love you, Seven. Even if neither of us is someone who can love with their whole being, with their whole heart, I love you as much as I can. I do not know what more there is to say, other than me having to return to the party, even if that is not what I would like to do, is exactly the kind of things I'm talking about. You see, sometimes I will have to suppress what I feel towards you, because doing so is part of who I am. I cannot give you everything, but I promise I will try to give as much as I can. Do you think you can accept this?"

"I will. I fell in love with you even before you knew I might have any such feelings. I think I fell in love with you even before *I* knew I might have such feelings. It happened because of who you are. We will adapt."

"I will try. Do you think you will find the time to meet me for the breakfast I still owe you, tomorrow at 7:00?"

"Yes. There is one more thing from my social integration lessons I would like to try. May I?"

"Of course. What do you want to try?"

"To say goodnight."

Janeway stood like a statue as she watched Seven move from her position to lean down to her, and then she felt Seven's lips briefly touch her cheek. Before she could react, Seven stepped back into her alcove, looking down at her. "Good night, Captain." Unable to speak or move Janeway stood still, until the mentor in her came to her rescue, suppressing the battling voices this touch awakened.

"I think Kathryn would be more appropriate, at least when we are alone, but otherwise you were perfect. Good night, Seven, and sweet dreams."

And after she keyed the controls that activated the regeneration sequence, she quietly added "Sweet dreams, my love."

*****

Janeway looked up when she noticed someone approaching her quiet corner, but her irritation at being disturbed lessened when she recognized Dr. Smith, and she motioned him to sit down.

"I thought you too wanted to regenerate, and, if I recall correctly, Doctor was not happy about you going to this party at all. What happened?"

"I remember Taeli, a friend of mine, once said this: the dream of not being Mahaklan is the most bittersweet and controversial one I dream. Sadly, at that time I already understood the meaning of her words, but hopefully you do not understand them yet. I came here to warn you, sort of. Now I will return to my ship, enter the sargo, and my body will once again become more human. Then, the time will go by, and maybe, maybe I will gain a piece of her dream. If that happens, I might fall in love with someone, and this someone might quite possibly be Seven. Taeli and me, we already have .. an understanding .. but it is not love, not what you would call love - we are both too cold for that. My advice, Captain, is to do something about the things I saw in that cargo bay before you too start having dreams of roads not taken." Standing up, Smith fished from his pocket a small blue box, and placing it on the table he continued. "Do not say anything, please. Accept what you hear from my place far from normal humans as a good advice, and listen to it while I am still far enough to say it and you are not close enough to me for it to be too late. Now I know that when you refuse to hear the voice of your emotions they weaken and almost die, and I feared this might happen to you too."

He turned to walk away, and stopped after two steps when he heard Janeway's quiet voice. "Dr. Smith!" As he turned to her, she slowly began. "Thank you for your words. I .. do not need them anymore, but I appreciate them." When he dipped his head in a bow and again turned, walking away, in her thoughts she said more - but only to herself.

I do not need them, because I already understand what my heart says. Not only *know*, but *understand*. And I definitely intend to go down that road.

*****

"You were right, young one. You might call me Watcher, even if now I am awake I must become a guardian. But we have to part and there is hardly anything to say. Your ship is leaving and I must stay here. I must not leave my post, certainly not now when they can break the barrier. I will not be helping you anymore. I will not hear any thanks from your ship, because they do not know they should say them. I have already said my thanks, but they have not heard them. I see your questions. I will leave your minds intact. If you were not here, I would have probably won through more destructive actions. Some traces remain. The principle of mutual understanding required me to let them remain, just as you thought. If someone else finds out I exist, tell them more. Otherwise, stay silent. I do not know the ever-changing future, but I can see the shadows of possibilities, and the traces of the past. I like you, young ones. I think it would not be right to directly help you to return to Alpha quadrant, because I have some rules I honor, but what little help I can give you will go with you. Good luck, young ones, and au revoir."

"Au revoir, Watcher."

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Epilogue

Imagine black emptiness of space, littered with distant stars, seen through eyes half-closed in a red light. Imagine a large red sun, the source of this light, disappearing behind the black disc of some unknown planet. The glare no longer disturbs you, and you see that in one place the space is somehow warped and blurred. You turn your eyes that way, and watch those almost invisible strands of blue light that quickly form a rotating tunnel into unknown. You recognize it as one of Wandering Paths, one of shifting shortcuts through the mythical Sphere of Lost Souls that lies around you. Then the tunnel shines with blinding light, the flash swallows you, and when you see clearly again you find yourself in it. Now you move so fast that that large red sun turns into mere glowing point in seconds, left far behind, and your eyes follow a shark-like starship. The view zooms in, you are slowly nearing the ship, the irregular pattern of bright points becomes rows of windows, and your sight is dragged towards the one window that is different. You move towards it like a moth to a flame, because that soft orange glow, while seeming out of place in this realm of cold and technology, is strangely inviting. Then you recognize a room illuminated with flickering flames of burning candles, and when you can finally look inside you catch a glimpse of black silhouette coming in through a closing door, the bright light from outside the room hiding much of the inside in shadows. The door closes, and when that vertical line of light disappears your view changes. You see another figure, near the door, and it moves to meet the one that entered. You are closer now, just outside the window, and you see them both stop just one step from the other. The one that stands with its back towards you is dressed in elegant sundress in pastel colors, but all you can see from the person itself is auburn hair, in the candlelight streaked with blinking tongues of fire. The other one is someone dressed in skintight biosuit, blue and gray. You watch her face, framed with blonde hair, and her eyes look into unseen eyes of the smaller figure. Then those two close the gap between them, and you lose the view of that apprehensive face when she leans down for a kiss.