I Wish I May

She had never looked at him the same way since. It had happened gradually, it wasn’t sudden or over-night. In fact, after the arrival of ‘The Drone’, he had come to expect her putting a little distance between them, but not an ocean. Not the Dead Sea, of which he had no hopes of crossing.

It was all her fault, The Drone. She caused the landslide. And now he suffered the consequences. Sometimes he wondered if he could have done something different… just maybe… Chakotay stared out of the porthole. He felt someone approach him; he didn’t have to turn to know it was her.

“Kathryn,” he greeted without looking away from the window.

He could smell her perfume; the fragrance teased his nostrils, as if reminding him of what he could not have. He closed his eyes. That scent was etched into his memory; it sustained him on lonely nights.

He opened his eyes and turned to face her. He didn’t need to force a smile, it came effortlessly when he she was present.

Janeway smiled back. “Enjoying the view?” she asked, referring to the array of moons in orbit.

“Immensely,” he replied; his eyes trained on the Captain.

Kathryn nodded looking at the largest moon. “It is magnificent,” she said in awe.

Chakotay agreed; his gaze still fixed on her. He raked his eyes over her shapely body, wishing that someday she would let him really be a part of her life.

Tearing her eyes away from the window, Kathryn returned her attention to her First Officer. “I was hoping to get you alone,” her tone was low and alluring.

“Oh?”

Kathryn moved closer to him. “I’m worried about Seven,” She whispered.

The words were like hot tar running into the open wound he called his heart. The Drone. How he loathed that cybernetic wonderment that seemed to be the Captain’s sole focus. He wondered if Kathryn’s thoughts were ever taken up by anything else. Did she ever spare a thought for him… even fleetingly? Did he ever cross her mind? Her heart? Or was she as consumed internally as she was externally with Seven?

“She has been somewhat aloof since our last run-in with the Borg,” he agreed, knowing this would not satisfy the Captain, but he had already lost her to The Drone. How many more times could he keep picking himself up after Kathryn had knocked him down? He was weakened with every blow and yet she kept coming at him, hitting low, pounding and pounding, and soon… very soon, he knew he would be out for the count.

“It’s more than that,” Janeway stated. “She used to talk to me… now she won’t even look at me, keeps to herself - she misses staff meetings, cancels our holodeck dates… and she never stops by my quarters anymore for our philosophical discussions…”

Lost in concern, she didn’t see Chakotay flinch at this last statement.

“She’s avoiding me,” the Captain stated.

Chakotay crossed his arms over his chest as if to protect himself. “And why do you think that is?” He questioned, hoping his voice didn’t sound strained.

“With Seven, I usually have a pretty good idea, and if I’m wrong, she’ll set me straight... but this time, it’s different - I can feel it.”

If he was honest, Chakotay had observed the alteration in Seven as well. In fact, all of the crew had noticed the disparity in the ex-Borg, and they all knew the reason, with the exception of Kathryn. ‘Ironic’, he thought, she was the one person who needed to know and the only person who didn’t.

His decided to be selfish. “I’m sorry, I can’t help you Captain. Seven hasn’t indicated that anything is wrong - to me, or anyone else that I know of.” He felt instantly guilty. He had lied to her to save himself.

Kathryn looked disappointed and saddened. He had consciously made her suffer; his chest felt as if it had caved in and his heart sank into despair. She needed a friend, genuine advice, and he had just deserted her.

“Thanks anyway Chakotay,” she said, reaching her hand out and gently patting his arm.

She was about to leave when he called after her. “What are you going to do?”

She glanced over her shoulder. “What I should have done a long time ago,” then turned her back on him and left the Mess Hall.

Despite his efforts, she was gone. Really gone. There was no doubt in his mind that after her conversation with Seven tonight, there would be little confusion as to what was causing the change in the ex-drones behaviour. He closed his eyes and imagined Seven kissing Kathryn the way he wanted to, sweeping her hair away from her face, holding her close, whispering all the words he longed to say.

* * * * * *

Kathryn hesitated outside the doors of Cargo Bay Two; she couldn’t understand why her body was reacting this way; in the turbo-lift she had been over-come by nerves. Now the rhythm of her heartbeat had increased ten-fold and she felt tingles pierce her fingertips and toes. She reached out to the door controls; her hand froze in terror.

‘This is it,’ she kept thinking, over and over. ‘This is really it.’

Her heart started pumping blood through her body so fast she could feel it pulsating in her veins. The hammering of her heart resonated in her ears, until she thought it would swell and burst.

‘Maybe I should wait till morning,’ she thought to herself. ‘Like all the other mornings you’ve waited? How many times have we been here Katie? This is the closest we’ve gotten. Don’t walk away now.’

She took a painful breath. This would be difficult. Things hadn’t been the same between them since their encounter with the Borg Queen. At first, there had been a new level of intimacy between them, Janeway smiled as she remembered ordering Seven to regenerate before tucking her in. That night had opened the door to so many possibilities, and as if recognising the transition, communication had broken down between them; they were both trying to evade this new closeness.

She reached out again, the door chimed and Seven’s voice called for the visitor to enter. Kathryn stepped cautiously into Cargo Bay Two.

Seven seemed surprised and a little uneasy to see the Captain, she was standing over a computer console, inefficiently trying to keep occupied.

The Captain smiled tentatively, Seven averted her eyes in the direction of the workstation. Kathryn felt as if she had already lost. She wasn’t even sure what it was she was fighting for.

“Seven,” she greeted awkwardly.

“Captain,” the younger woman replied, equally as uncomfortable.

Janeway couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the sound of timidness in Seven’s voice; it was disconcerting. Kathryn moved closer to the console, she observed Seven’s shoulders tense, it reminded her of when they had been trapped in Arturis’s brig. It was the same feeling of invasion and familiarity Kathryn had felt when she’d had to alter Seven’s ocular implant.

“You weren’t in the staff briefing,” Kathryn stated, but somehow it sounded like an accusation.

“I was unable to attend due to the failure of a power relay in the Astrometric's Lab. It required my immediate attention,” Seven lied.

Janeway cringed internally; Seven’s lie was so transparent. She stepped slowly around the console that separated them, watching Seven carefully. The younger woman didn’t move; she just stared down at the computer readings.

“Malfunctioning power relays, defective power grids, faulty deflectors, fused conduits, damaged gel packs… when’s the list going to end Seven? When are you going to stop avoiding me?”

There. She’d said it. No going back.

Kathryn reached Seven’s side; she gazed at her friend. She didn’t want to pressurise the ex-Borg, but how could she possibly help if Seven shut her out?

Seven felt her skin burning with the need to touch Janeway. She found it unbearable when she was this close to the Captain, her mind seemed to shut down and she was vulnerable to the reactions of her body.

Seven looked up and made eye contact with her Captain for the first time in days. Janeway was half relieved that progress was being made, and half filled with apprehension at what she found reflected in those big blue eyes she had come to know so well.

Kathryn drew back. Seven was hurt by this action.

“You should have left me behind,” exclaimed the ex-drone.

Janeway was startled by this sudden display of emotion, her eyes softened and she tilted her head. “I wouldn’t leave any member of this crew to the Borg… especially you.”

“It would have been better for all concerned if I had stayed with the Borg… I would have been unique there… accepted. No one here cares for me - you certainly do not.”

Janeway started at this. She had always thought that she and Seven shared a bond, and this unexpected renunciation hurt her. She wanted to shake the ex-drone until sense pierced her brain, or the heart she knew existed somewhere beneath that shielded cybernetic exterior. Kathryn stepped forwards, filled with rage; she wanted to strike Seven, to make her feel the same sharp pain that was now searing through her body. “After everything… after all this time… how can you say such things to me?” implored Janeway.

Seven immediately trembled at having upset her.

Kathryn felt tears rising, but fought them back. “I may not declare it everyday – but of course I care for you! Don’t I show it in other ways? I thought you understood… I can’t… I don’t – Seven, how can I possibly show you how I feel? I am the Captain, I don’t have that luxury,” Janeway fell silent; she could feel her voice weaken and had no intention of being reduced to a wreck in front of her Astrometric’s Officer.

“I wish to return to the Collective,” Seven declared.

Kathryn gasped in dismay. “No!” she cried.

The blonde averted her eyes when the Captain spoke; she could not bring herself to look into those deep, penetrating eyes, but nor could she allow the Captain to be damaged this way. The ex-drone gazed at Janeway. “I cannot function properly when you are around me,” she stated with her usual honesty, but this time there was an underlying tone of helplessness. “I cannot live like this. I must return where I cannot feel.”

Kathryn was horror struck, but sensed the ex-Borg’s vulnerability and was overwhelmed with sensations. Instinct clashed with common sense, duty with personal attachment - confusion infested her mind as she struggled desperately to understand.

“What do you mean, you cannot function?” Janeway finally managed; she had never seen Seven like this. Maybe she didn’t know her Astrometric’s Officer as well as she thought.

“Usually, when I am confused, you bring order to the chaos. You are my guide to human emotions… but now I find that you are causing the disorder. You alone are the source of my emotions – they depend on you for direction. If I am happy, it is because you have made me so. If I am sad, it is because you have made me so. If I – ”

Kathryn held up her hand to silence Seven. This was all too much. She was finding it difficult to keep her objectivity, to separate her feelings from Seven’s.

“When you risked yourself to come back for me, at first, I thought you were impulsive… even foolish. Then I realised that I would have done the same had our positions been reversed... Soon afterwards, I began to see your face everywhere – wherever I went – I do not believe you realise how deeply disconcerting it is to be repairing a power grid and have your image constantly playing in my mind – the way you move, your little mannerisms, your eyes… the way your lips curve when you smile…”

Seven’s voice softened. “I did not understand what was happening, I was troubled by my irrational behaviour – and then, it became worse. I would get excited at the prospect of seeing you, spending time with you became my primary concern – above my duties, above my friends… I believe Naomi Wildman has still not forgiven me for cancelling our Kadis-Kot match so that I could deliver a dust particle report to you ten hours earlier than expected… but I had such a longing to see you, if only briefly, that I did not consider anything else important.”

Kathryn’s whole body glowed with warmth.

“When I began to question my erratic behaviour, I discovered that I displayed all the symptoms of ‘being in love’,” Seven finished, feeling partially relieved at confessing all of this, but mostly, she felt tense about Janeway’s reaction.

The Captain was besieged with confusion. These were words she had no business hearing. Seven didn’t really love her, how could she? It was just a crush - power as an aphrodisiac. A girlish crush that had been blown out of proportion, that’s all it was.

“Seven,” the Captain began, but the blonde shook her head violently.

“Don’t,” Seven whispered in dismay.

“Don’t what?” Kathryn asked softly.

“Don’t say my name in that manner,” Seven requested.

Janeway wanted so desperately to comfort her. She reached out and covered the ex-drone’s hand with her own. Seven immediately withdrew her hand, with it; she took Janeway’s resolve. Kathryn felt rejected, she couldn’t explain it, since, technically; she was rejecting Seven.

Why did she feel so clumsy and unprepared for this situation? It was far too painful, but more than that… Kathryn was scared. This insight hit her with the full force of a velocity disk, winding her in the process. She was afraid, afraid of what could be… afraid of her own emotions should she acknowledge them.

She remembered the awfulness of the moment when Neelix had suggested disconnecting Seven’s alcove. She couldn’t do it. It would be like admitting that Seven was gone. Really gone. It was in that instant that Kathryn had stopped lying to herself, she realised how deep her feelings for Seven actually ran, and the thought of never seeing Seven again had nearly finished her.

One look at the blonde decided everything. She had to be honest with the younger woman, for both their sakes.

“I couldn’t let you go,” the Captain finally admitted, her voice weak with the strength of the truth.

The ex-Borg gaped in amazement at the smaller woman. The Captain’s expression relaxed as she fixed her eyes on at the blonde before her. It was such a tender look; that Seven felt she could live off the memory of that moment for the rest of her days.

Seven’s intense stare gave courage to Janeway, the Captain continued her admission. “There was no alternative; I had to go after you, bring you home - the thought of existing without you was beyond endurance. I can’t function without you.”

Seven held Janeway’s eye as she gravitated towards her, the younger woman reached out, positioning her hands on Kathryn’s forearms. Janeway’s breath caught in her throat at Seven’s untried touch. The ex-Borg felt the sudden tremor run through the Captain’s body.

Seven wanted Kathryn Janeway in every sense of the word. She wanted to share her life, her hopes and fears, and her body with the Captain. She was certain, when she reflected on past events, that Janeway had given slight indications that she was interested in more than just friendship.

Somewhere in the hidden depths of her human frame, Kathryn felt the reawakening of her desire for Seven. She had suppressed it for so long and now it was clawing its way to the surface.

Just the simple touch of her arm had sent her body into over-drive. She found the sensations perplexing, she had never responded this quickly to Seven’s touch before. Now the Captain couldn’t see a way of getting out of the Cargo Bay before her body’s reactions betrayed her.

Seven’s crystal gaze intensified as she searched Janeway's eyes. A look of triumph appeared on the blonde’s face, “Your pupils are dilated! Your respiration has increased and your pulse is erratic!”

Janeway felt defeated. “My pulse was erratic before I came in!” she said quickly; trying to regain control of the situation, then realised that she had just strengthened Seven’s case.

A smile covered the Astrometric’s Officer’s delicate features; and she ran her hands the length of Janeway’s forearms, feeling the supple muscle hidden beneath the uniform tunic.

Without hesitation, Seven then ran her hands upwards until they rested in the Captain’s hair. Kathryn felt tingles encircling her skull; her skin was alive under Seven’s gentle caress. The ex-drone seemed enamoured with the texture of Janeway’s hair, she let it tumble through her fingers, enjoying the sensations it invoked within her.

Seven stroked Kathryn’s face, leisurely tracing the line of her jaw. Her touch was so soft, so tender. She ran a fingertip across Kathryn’s mouth, then gently parted the Captain’s lips and leaned forward, capturing Janeway’s lips with her own. Kathryn lifted her arms to rest on Seven’s hips; feeling the ex-drone melt into her touch, she gave into her need.

Their kiss deepened and Seven released a small moan that shook her, she pulled back from Kathryn, feeling embarrassed, but she found no sign of reproach in the Captain’s eyes. Seven tilted her head and covered Kathryn’s mouth with her own.

They held each other tightly, testing the feel of each other’s body. After a few minutes of this exploration, Janeway pulled back slightly.

“You are still uncertain?” the blonde asked.

“Not of you… not of us,” Janeway corrected.

Seven smiled warmly at the Captain; her Captain. Her Kathryn.

Janeway reached up and rolled a strand of Seven’s hair playfully around her index finger. “It’s just that – I’ve never felt like this, about anyone. It’s really unnerved me; you’ve unnerved me. I’m usually in control… this sort of thing is not me.”

Seven drew back defensively. “What ‘sort’ of thing?”

Kathryn smiled coyly as she looked up into those beautiful blue eyes. “Being in love.”

Seven’s defences dissolved and she took the smaller woman in her arms again.

“I just don’t play the starry-eyed lover very well – it always ends in disaster, that’s why I’ve tried to avoid any romantic entanglement with you. You’re too important to me, I can’t lose you.”

“You could never lose me, Kathryn,” Seven assured, leaning down and kissing the Captain tenderly.

After a moment, Kathryn glanced up at her Astrometric's Officer. “I think… we need to move slowly if this is going to work,” she whispered, her voice husky with desire.

Seven nodded in agreement. She would do anything if it meant having Kathryn in her arms.

“How about dinner, in my quarters tomorrow evening?” the Captain suggested.

Seven didn’t have to think. “That would be acceptable.”

Janeway smiled. “Alright then, it’s a date.”

Seven beamed, then realised that Kathryn would have to leave now; she tightened her grip around the Captain’s middle, not wanting her to go. Janeway felt the increase of pressure about her waist and read Seven’s expression.

She stood on tiptoe and led Seven into another passionate kiss.

Forcing her lips to part from Seven’s, she decided she had better leave, while they were still fully clothed. Carefully, Kathryn disentangled herself from the ex-drone’s embrace. With great will power, she walked towards the door, Seven’s eyes never leaving her flawless form.

“See you tomorrow,” Janeway called over her shoulder, then exited Cargo Bay Two, happier than she could ever remember being.



 

~The End~