I go to leave
Chapter One
She flashed him a fond smile from across the room, a genuine pleasure in the sapphire eyes that caught and held him for a brief moment. Then someone walked in front of him, breaking the contact and allowing her attention to return to the small clump of people surrounding her. A laugh bubbled forth at the appropriate moment as the joke concluded, a perfunctory response that was equal parts reflex and honesty. The evening was drawing to a close, and she was more than ready to get away from the oppressive stuffiness that filled the reception hall. It was a welcome relief to her then when a large warm hand pressed supportively at the small of her back. The usual whiff of his cologne reached her nose and prompted its customary sigh from her gently upturned lips.
"Ready to go?" murmured a deep voice in her right ear, the warm breath stirring a few loose hairs at her cheek and floating down her neck.
She fought the rising shiver and replied in an equally soft tone, "I was hoping you'd find me soon."
"I'll get our coats while you say your good-byes." Moist lips pressed lightly at the nape of her exposed neck, the hand slipping just a bit further down in a bare caress as it left her back. "Don't be too long."
"I won't," she promised, edging toward the door, shaking hands and excusing herself from the gathering. She felt the atmosphere change the instant she stepped outside, the night air a cool balm on her heated skin. Her arm was quickly caught by the man waiting for her with her light coat, draping it across her slim shoulders as he ushered her to the nearest transit, opening the door then sliding in next to her, giving the driver an address.
A warm golden light filtered through the drapes, the early morning rays falling across the two forms on the bed, chasing away the last of the night's chill. Kathryn woke slowly, gradually easing into consciousness, eventually stretching her arms over her head, her toes pointing hard. She crossed her arms on the pillow, resting her chin on them, her eyes staring blankly at the plain wooden headboard. A jostling next to her made the gaze shift its focus to the man who had turned over onto his back, resuming his quiet snoring.
Her thoughts turned introspective as she watched the rhythmic rise and fall of Chakotay's chest, a smile tipping her mouth with memories of the previous night then of other nights over the past few years. He had always been so kind and gentle to her, loving her unconditionally and deeply for such a long time. Kathryn propped her head up in one hand, elbow forming a deep impression in her pillow. How long had she loved him, she wondered. Since some unidentifiable point in time, came the silent answer.
When had it changed? The little voice wouldn't leave her alone this morning, determined to force her to a decision she'd been putting off. When had it changed? it repeated stubbornly.
I don't know. It's been a while. Kathryn startled herself with that answer, shocked that it really had been the many months her mind counted out for her. My God, she thought. How could I let it go for so long? she silently berated herself. It's not fair to him or me to stay when I don't feel the same way anymore. He should be with someone who will love him completely. She took another look at his sleeping form, the peaceful expression on his handsome face. It broke her heart to think that she'd lost the deep abiding love she'd had for him. Why did it have to change back into friendship alone? When did I stop loving him like a partner?
When I started loving someone else, she reminded herself and felt her heart clench painfully at the thought of pale blue eyes and soft blonde hair. Kathryn sighed heavily, rolling onto her back to stare absently at the ceiling. She deserves so much more than just a few stolen days and nights here and there. And Chakotay deserves the truth. Oh, how am I going to tell him? How do I tell this man who has been so wonderful to me that somewhere in the last year I stopped loving him and fell in love with another? That's part of being an adult, I guess--taking the responsibility. Her mind clicked as she thought about how to break her news to Chakotay. I better have everything ready to go when I tell him or I'll never leave.
Resolutely, she got out of bed, sparing a moment to take her last look at him while he wasn't watching. She memorized every detail in the increasing sunlight before turning and quietly gathering her things up. By the time he woke up and walked into the dining room as he tied his robe shut, she had packed all of her clothes and any personal possessions she had scattered around their apartment and had them transported to her home in Indiana. Kathryn was drinking a cup of coffee at the table and waited for him to get his own cup and join her.
"Good morning," he mumbled into her hair as he kissed the top of her head. "You're up early today," he noted, sitting opposite her with a grin.
"We have to talk," she began, blocking herself from backing down.
Chakotay paused in running a hand through his unruly hair, hearing in her voice the unmistakable tone of command that she'd left behind shortly after their return to Earth. He looked at her then for the first time that morning, really looked. Her jaw was set firmly, thrust out determinedly, but her eyes were shining with unshed tears held barely in check. His coffee cup was placed lightly, deliberately on the glass table top in preparation of what was obviously going to be a major discussion. "All right," he acknowledged.
"I--I love you, Chakotay," she blurted before she could think. Her breath hitched in her chest, forcing her to take a deep breath and regain some of her fast fleeting composure. "I love you, but it's different." A confused frown settled on Chakotay's face as he tried to understand what she was saying. She started again. "You're my friend, Chakotay, nothing more. Not anymore. I think it's for the best if I leave," she finished quietly.
He sat in dumbfounded silence for several moments, absorbing the impact of her words. Finally, he turned his gaze on her again, searching her eyes and seeing that there was no need to question the truth of her statement. The world he'd known for so long was dissolving around him, and he felt helpless to stop it but desperate to do so all the same. "Why?" he asked simply.
She shook her head slowly. "I'm not sure. It took a while, but the feelings changed eventually." Her eyes flickered down to her mug grasped tightly in both hands. "I'm in love with someone else." It killed her to have to tell him these things, and she wished the floor would just open up and swallow her then and there.
"Who?"
Kathryn's head jerked up at that question, her eyes wide, totally unaware that slow tears were betraying her pain. She forced the lump in her throat back down and met his hurt gaze with one of her own. "Seven."
Chakotay didn't blink, only nodded carefully, keeping eye contact. "How long have you two been lovers?" He didn't want to ask it, didn't really want to know, but something inside demanded he understand this fully.
She licked her dry lips, unable to look away during his solemn interrogation. "We aren't really lovers, not yet. But we've been in love a few months." There was a pause, then she reached out a shaky hand to rest on his forearm and added, "I am sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen." Realizing that the once comfortable touch felt awkward and insincere, she pulled back again.
The crack in her voice gave him hope, which he grabbed like a lifeline. "Is there any way we can work this out, Kathryn? I don't know if I can give you up."
She shook her head quickly, worriedly. "No. Don't ask me to stay. Please."
He continued pressing, seeing a chance. "I love you, Kathryn. Don't go."
A brief surge of anger welled up within her. "Don't, Chakotay. Every time I've started to make up my mind to leave in the past, you've said or done something that held me back. I kept hoping that somehow I'd begin to love you again, but it's not going to happen. I can't stay here. I have to go." A wistful smile lit her face for a brief instant when she whispered, "I love her too much to give up this chance." She stood abruptly, taking her cup to the kitchen and recycling it. She walked back around the counter and stopped halfway to the door, her face softening with a sad smile. "I can't let life pass me by in hopes that things will get better. We'd only end up hating each other. I love you too much for that."
Kathryn pulled on her coat and opened the door, a gust of cold wind blowing between them. "Maybe at another time it would have worked out. But right now, there's a woman out there who is waiting to spend the rest of her life with me, and every fiber of my being tells me that I belong with her." Kathryn didn't realize a brilliant smile had taken the place of her sad look. "After three years on Earth, Chakotay, I'm finally going home."
She turned then, walking out the door and closing it behind her. Chakotay stared numbly after her, the image of her those last few seconds burned permanently in his mind. He knew that no matter how hard he tried nor how much he wanted it, he'd never get her back. It was a few hours before he moved and began to rearrange the apartment in an attempt to fill up the empty spaces she'd left. He doubted that it would be possible.
The door to the spartan apartment opened with a howl of wind and the biting cold of winter, the storm that had begun that morning worsening as the day grew later. A bundled form leaned hard against the control panel, impatient as the door slid shut once more. Hat and gloves, scarf and coat were removed quickly as the welcoming heat enveloped Kathryn Janeway, thawing out her chilled body. She rubbed her hands together briskly as she glanced around the sparsely furnished room, her joy easing into disappointment in the stillness surrounding her.
Then a tall figure entered the room, long legs encased in warm black leggings, a soft, light blue sweater accenting the ice blue eyes that turned her way and widened along with a glowing smile. Sooner than she expected, Seven was across the room and in her arms, hugging her tightly, planting a kiss on her temple. "Kathryn!" she exclaimed happily as she pulled back slightly. "I wasn't expecting you, but I am glad you are here."
"So am I, Angel." Kathryn caught the younger woman's face in her hands, fingers absently tracing the metallic starburst on her right cheek as she held her. "I have a surprise for you," she said with a beaming smile.
Seven's face brightened further at this news, her arms tightening around the older woman's back. "What is it?" she asked quickly.
All at once, Kathryn felt the need to string this out a bit and decided to play with her. "It involves you packing your things," she answered cryptically.
"Are we going on a vacation?" Seven questioned excitedly.
"No, not a vacation. It's something better." Janeway's smile widened as Seven's brows knit together in thought.
"Better than a vacation," she mused, studying the small woman before her. Her intense gaze noticed the subtle difference in the way Kathryn seemed to stand straighter, lighter than she had in a long time, her voice animated and blue eyes sparkling wildly whenever she looked at her. Seven's smile suddenly came back as she began to form a conclusion to this new riddle. "Am I moving?" she queried hopefully.
"Bingo! Now guess where," Kathryn replied, baiting her further, enjoying the game.
Seven stepped closer, pulling their bodies into a light contact. "I am moving in with you somewhere," she stated with utter confidence, a slight smirk on her face.
Kathryn laughed at the imperious tone her love--no, her partner used. "We're moving in with Mother if that's all right with you. If not, we can always stay here," she offered.
"I believe I would enjoy living with you anywhere, Kathryn. We will stay with your mother if you wish." She looked around her tiny apartment and commented, "I am not partial to this place. It is not really a home."
Kathryn's smile grew softer as she gazed up at Seven. "They say that home is where the heart is, Seven. That means my home is always where you are."
Sensing her need, Seven leaned down, lightly brushing her full lips over Kathryn's thinner ones in silent reassurement. She straightened slowly, a tender smile lighting her usually stoic face. "Help me pack so we can go home, Kathryn," she whispered.
Kathryn burst into her home in Indiana with more enthusiasm than she'd felt in a long time. Seven was right behind her, picking up the two large suitcases they'd filled from the tiny apartment. A woman in her late sixties entered the room from around a corner. There was a little silver in the light brown hair and a few fine lines around her eyes and mouth, but her shoulders were straight, her small frame radiating energy and life. Her chin jutted forward proudly, hands on her hips as she took in every detail of the two women tracking dirty snow into her house.
"Wipe your feet before you come in here. I just mopped." Her dark blue gaze fell on the two bags resting inside the door. "Kathryn, why didn't you tell me you were bringing company with you? I see your manners still haven't improved."
A reckless grin pulled at Kathryn's lips as she replied in a singsong voice, "I love you, too, Mom."
Despite herself, Gretchen Janeway grinned, breaking her mock sternness, diminishing the impact of her, "Don't sass me, young lady," command. She spread her arms wide and demanded, "Come give me a hug."
Her elder daughter closed the distance quickly, squeezing her mother hard in a heartfelt embrace. "I've missed you so much."
"I've missed you, too, Kathryn." She pulled back after a bit and looked at the other woman standing before her, making a quick search of her memory for a name. "Seven, isn't it?"
The ex-Borg inclined her head in affirmation. "Mrs. Janeway. It is good to see you again."
"Nice to know I'm remembered fondly," she commented. "Now Kathryn, not that I mind you inviting someone over, but may I ask why the need for so much stuff," she asked, gesturing to the suitcases.
"Seven is still feeling a bit lost, and I offered to help her out," Kathryn said, casting a quick glance in the young woman's direction. "Since I was moving back home, I was hoping you'd let her stay with us," she continued hopefully.
"And you thought that if you brought her along, complete with bags and that thoroughly distracting puppy dog look, I'd say yes." Gretchen crossed her arms over her chest as she finished summing up Kathryn's idea.
"That was the plan," Seven agreed.
Amused, Mrs. Janeway pursed her lips and turned a wry expression on her daughter. "She's nothing if not honest." She looked between Seven's solemn stance and Kathryn's fidgety nervousness and realized she was outgunned. "All right. You can stay, Seven. We'll make up Phoebe’s old room for you."
Seven began to protest having a separate room when she caught the death glare Kathryn sent her way and changed her mind. "That is acceptable. Thank you," she replied instead.
The three women quickly settled into a routine and within two weeks, the house was running more smoothly than it had in years. Seven did the heavier work around the house, cutting wood for the fireplace, doing a few repairs that had gone untouched lately, even rearranging the furniture with Kathryn and Gretchen standing by and arguing about where to put things. Kathryn had taken over most of the cleaning, leaving the laundry for her mother. And to everyone's surprise, she had begun cooking, unsure of herself at first before realizing that the classes she'd been forced to take growing up and all those nights watching her mother perform the same chore had not been forgotten. After just a few days, Kathryn had decided that it wasn't as bad as she once thought, finding the process rather relaxing.
"I'm going to help Seven with the firewood, Mom," called Kathryn as she tugged on her coat and boots, fixing her gloves as the door shut behind her. She walked across the white lawn, snow crunching under her feet as she neared the young woman deftly wielding the axe, watching the lean figure absorb the impact easily, the wood splitting obediently with each blow.
Seven's head came up as she heard the footsteps near, a genuine smile appearing as she caught sight of the woman she loved. "Kathryn. Are you finished inside already?"
"Mm hmm. I thought I'd come out and help you." She moved to the side, studying the large pile of wood ready to go inside.
The blonde's lips twitched in a smirk as she commented offhandedly, "You are not capable of cutting the firewood as I am. It would be better if you went inside and prepared dinner early tonight."
Janeway's hands moved firmly to her hips as she stared indignantly at the young woman. "I can do a few things around here besides cook, you know."
The implant above Seven's left eye raised slightly. "I did not say you were useless, merely incapable of this particular task."
"Fine," Kathryn muttered, turning and marching away.
Seven stared at her a moment then resumed her work, worried that she'd upset her. Her intention had been to tease, not make Kathryn mad. She was in mid-swing when a large snowball struck her square in the nose. Dropping the axe and wiping the white fluff from her face, she turned in time to see an impish Kathryn Janeway throwing another snowball at her. She moved too late and though it missed her face, this one caught her on the shoulder. The sound of her attacker's laugh spurred on her playful side and she grabbed a handful of snow, flinging it with a precision that smacked the older woman on the jaw. Thus ensued a knock-down drag-out snowball fight, ending with Seven leaping atop her prey and rubbing snow all over her face.
Kathryn rolled her over, lifting a handful to return the favor. She smiled down at Seven in triumph, but her hand fell to the side of the young woman's face. Her heart pounded loud in her chest as she leaned forward, placing her lips on fuller ones in a tentative touch. Seven's face stared up at her wonderingly, a mixture of confusion, laughter, and love settling there. She decided on the last as she reached up and brought Kathryn's lips back to hers, a gloved hand tangling in the long auburn hair, the other gripping the slim arm. Neither was sure who deepened the kiss, but mouths opened and hot tongues slipped out to taste the other, a sharp contrast to their chilled lips.
Lips trailed to throats, hands greedily roaming over a back and sides, another pair moving over ribs and flat stomach, both wanting to feel more. Seven pulled off a glove with her teeth, sliding the bare hand under the back of Kathryn's sweaters and coat, pressing it against bare skin. She started at the small of her back and traced her way up the delicate spine, finding the nape of her neck and lightly tickling the hairs there before sliding back down, her other hand, now glove free as well, joining its companion on Kathryn's lower back.
A whimper of longing escaped Kathryn as the touch of warm flesh and cool metal mingled on her back. Following Seven's example, she removed her right glove, slipping the slender hand under the soft wool to find even softer skin, making small circles on the flesh between the three remaining ridges of abdominal implant then tracing those ridges with the same tenderness. Seven raised her head, capturing those inviting lips again, pressing Kathryn's body down on top of hers, feeling intoxicated with the kisses and the sensation of legs tangling with hers as they rolled to their sides.
Powerful hands skimmed around Kathryn's sides and up her stomach, cautiously cupping the small, unconfined breasts. Seven stroked her fingertips over the soft mounds and noted with odd satisfaction as the woman in her arms moaned against her neck. She gasped quietly when Kathryn's light fingers returned the favor then circled around the hardened nipples. Then the touches became rough, more demanding, and Kathryn pushed back with extreme reluctance, freeing her hands and catching Seven's in a firm grip, pulling them from beneath her shirts gently and twining their fingers together.
"Too fast," she sighed, eyes focusing on the young woman's. "I want you so much, Seven." She kissed her forehead in restless adoration. "I want nothing more than to stay here and ravish you in the snow. But I know it will mean so much more if we wait and do this right, when we can take our time." Kathryn placed several quick kisses on Seven's parted mouth. "Do you understand, Darling?"
"I believe so. I also wish to take my time learning your body and reactions," came the blunt reply.
"Thank you." Kathryn gave her a heartfelt smile of gratitude that morphed into one of more wicked intentions. "We'll save the ravishing until a few days after that."
"Will there be snow involved?" Seven asked with unconcealed eagerness.
"If you like, Seven," she replied with a grin, sitting up to pull her gloves back on. "You'll have anything I can give you. That's a promise." She stood then and dusted some of the snow off of her clothes, smiling down at the young woman. "Let's get that firewood in so we can relax for the night."
Inside, Gretchen turned away from the window as Kathryn began stacking wood in Seven's arms. She was still humming as they entered and she handed them each a mug of hot chocolate.
Later that night, Seven went up to bed while mother and daughter cleaned up the kitchen. As they were drying their hands after putting up the freshly washed plates, Gretchen casually asked, "Do you love her?"
"Yes," Kathryn answered immediately, casting a sideways glance at her mother.
"Does she love you?" she continued as she put some water on to boil for tea.
"I think so." After a moment she looked up at her. "I know she does."
There was silence for a while as the water heated and neither woman spoke until Kathryn was pouring the water into two mugs. "Are you lovers?" Gretchen asked, dropping in the tea bags.
"Not yet," she said softly, glancing up quickly then back down at her mug as the liquid darkened with each bob of the soggy bag.
"Tell me about it?" Gretchen moved out of the kitchen and into the study, knowing that Kathryn would follow if she wanted to talk. She wasn't surprised when her daughter settled on the couch next to her.
Kathryn took a calming sip of the cinnamon apple tea. "I think I've loved her for years but never realized it until recently. For so long, I was her teacher and her captain that I just considered the feelings to be friendship, maternal. Maybe they were at first. I'd spend hours watching her regenerate and kept finding ways to work on projects with her." She smiled ruefully at the memories. "I look back and know I was acting like a love-sick teenager with a crush. I'm just glad no one else saw it that way."
"When did you know?" her mother prodded gently.
"After I was involved with Chakotay. Somewhere along the way, the friendship and attraction I felt for him melded together enough for me to think it was love. And it was in a way. When I finally understood my feelings for Seven, I barely saw her anymore, so it was a moot point. I let it go and concentrated on Chakotay. I saw her again at Tom and B'Elanna's anniversary party and we found some time to talk." Kathryn emerged from the past and fixed her eyes on her mother. "She'd changed, grown up finally. I was drawn even more to this open and outgoing person she'd become.
"All the old feelings came back then and some part of me said not to let her go this time. So we started meeting for lunch and built on our old friendship, only it was better. I fell for her, hard. I found in her what I hadn't known I was missing in my other relationships. I was already drifting away from being in love with Chakotay and simply loving him. Seven just seemed to fill all the gaps and take over the rest without my ever being aware of it until I was so deeply in love with her I couldn't go back." She took another sip of her tea, gathering her thoughts.
"I've never loved anyone as much as I love her, Mother. I know beyond a doubt, more than I've ever been sure of anything in my life, I love Seven completely and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I can't imagine not being with her. And I can't believe I ever thought what I felt for Justin or Mark or even Chakotay was love. It definitely wasn't this deep or this strong." She looked back at her mother again, eyes bright with emotion. "Does any of this make any sense at all?" she asked with a laugh.
Gretchen put down her mug and placed her hands on her daughter's arms. "It makes perfect sense, Kathryn. I've been there with your father. If this is what you truly want, if you're sure, then I support you every step of the way. And I have to say, I like Seven a lot more than any of the men you've been with," she finished with a sly grin. "And from watching you two outside earlier, I have to say that you do, too."
Kathryn answered her with a brilliant smile. "Very much." After a moment she added with a grin, "I hope this doesn't mean you'll be spying on us all the time."
"I promise to be discretely absent from time to time." She gave her daughter a wink as she stood and left the study, heading for bed and leaving Kathryn to think about her future without anyone to distract her.