MY OWN PRIVATE INDIANA

***

Now I had quadrants and starcharts and telemetry. Indiana still had the heavens.

***

I walked evenly into Astrometrics. At least I hoped it was evenly. I had paused outside the doors to calm myself. I had walked in here just to see her hundreds of times before. Hundreds more on ship's business. But this time I was after a new sensor input, a kind I'd never sought before.

"Captain".

As usual she had deduced my identity within ten of my steps on the deck plating. I wondered if she had heard me pause outside? She hadn't turned to face me, also as usual. I would have to walk all the way to her, stand by her console, ask her

"Anything new on long range scans?"

Before she would look at me. And I would follow the script every time. She must think (hopefully) that I was obsessed with the long range scans and their potential instead of her and ours. The thought brought me calm until I remembered that I'd come here to change that. To find out. Set up my own long range scan. But this moment I was in close range and starting to sweat over it literally. Best plough on.

"Nothing of interest to report, Captain."

She glanced at me and looked me in the eye briefly, then continued focusing on the console she was entering data into. Was it me or was she distracted, and not by me?

"Is something the matter, Captain?"

I'd probably been standing there 4.2 seconds longer than my normal average. Although it could have been four minutes too. I'd lost track of time.

"No, Seven. Actually I came to invite you to have dinner with me tonight if you are free, or tomorrow if you are not." Phew! There, it was out.

"Dinner".

A statement followed by one of those pauses that went on forever this time as if she were reviewing the entire contents of the ship's replicator menu before answering. She was killing me. I could hardly breathe, having used all my available oxygen to ask the question and remain perpendicular to the deck. 'Command Manual Page 745, paragraph 2: While negotiating with either a hostile or friendly species, at all times remain dispassionate and calm until a course of action is suggested by your opponent's reactions to your request.'

"This evening is acceptable. I am off duty at 1800 hours."

"Good. We will meet at 1900 hours then."

I turned to leave while I could still walk. My pulse was up and I was afraid a flush had begun creeping up my neck. I made it halfway through my dismissive exit when I heard

"Are we to meet in the mess hall?"

Damn it Janeway! 'Paragraph 3: State all your terms up front and confidently to project an image of self-possession'.

"My quarters will be sufficient. Dress as you like."

I didn't stop walking or turn as I said this. The doors glided open. I made it over the threshold.

And almost collided with Chakotay.

"Sorry, Commander." I'd been looking down, not my usual habit aboard my own ship.

"Captain," he nodded, smiling as he easily avoided the collision and walked by. I heard him turn into Astrometrics. Hopefully I'd gotten there first.

I needed to get to my Ready Room. And I needed the walk between here and there as badly. What was I doing? Hopefully not embarrassing myself or Seven of Nine. Hopefully not undermining my own command. Hopefully not giving my loyal First Officer reason to resent me.

Our brief passing and nod in the corridor outside Astrometrics was becoming noticeably more common. That's what started me on this sensor sweep. I would normally pass by here once or twice a day. Just to check on the sensor readings, mind you.

At first I was happy to see that someone was perhaps interested in Seven-- an excellent sign of her continued progress in reclaiming her lost humanity. Then, I was not so happy. Then I was afraid. For her, then for me. Then, bitter and jealous. Then, confused. Finally, after examining my feelings, Lovesick. It had taken Chakotay's interest, or perceived interest, as I had nothing confirmed yet, to force me to realize exactly what my feelings were.

So often my sexual energy had cycled within me, around and around, and had been expressed in a good workout, a game of Velocity with Seven (I should have clued in then), a sumptuous meal, or in protecting the ship with a burst of creative problem solving... That was one of the old jokes, that saving the ship from imminent destruction could give it's captain a kind of orgasm. It's true, you know.

I couldn't blame myself for not recognizing my feelings for what they were sooner than this, when that flood of warmth could have so many causes and outlets. A ship's Captain is a most complicated of humans, by nature. They won't admit it, but I believe the Starfleet Psych. exams reveal which cadets will be the captains in the fleet.

And so often I had longed to feel Mark's arms around me, his hands on me. I'd allow myself that torturous pleasure, to be sure. But now I longed for her. Chakotay showed me that, strangely enough. I could stand it if she *chose* him. What brought me down this perilous path was that I couldn't stand it if she didn't even know that she had a choice in me. If I said nothing, and she went with him, I couldn't handle it, wondering. I had to know if those cool blue eyes could ever gaze at me longingly.

And what had I to go on? The times, few though they were, that she had looked at me, a nanosecond too long, and I looked away, bolting from the room, citing my next urgent stop to Engineering. God help me, once I even said Sickbay for a check-up. Then the times I'd stared at *her* for a second too long, she holding my gaze and again, me looking away. Had she seen that I was afraid? Or did my uniform cover even the top of my head these days? I had chickened out every time. I had hidden my feelings.

If she was exploring romance and sexuality at last, I at least owed her my honesty. That's a good story, Kathryn. But I was sure, for my own self, I must be truthful, even if for her, it became only another educational experience she could learn from: How emotion could impair judgment. That wasn't quite fair. If she hadn't figured it out by now, she'd see that I was fallible, human, vulnerable as anyone else. And of anyone aboard this ship, I thought she would benefit from understanding that the most. The way she looked to me as an example...

"Sorry, Captain," Tom Paris side stepped to avoid me storming straight through him. I'd been looking down again and inward. "Everything okay?" he asked in his jovial manner.

I stopped. "Sorry Tom, guess I've got something on my mind." Did I say 'something' or 'someone'?

"Better slow down or Tuvok will get you for speeding!"

He was wearing blue jeans and a plaid shirt, cowboy boots. He was probably on his way to that 'Dukes of Hazzard' program he'd been developing.

"Thank you, Lieutenant. I'll be more careful," I assured him, returning his easy smile.

As soon as I got to the Ready Room and had sucked back half a cup of coffee, I felt better. I was still a bit jittery. I could do equally well with a nap or a brawl. I called Neelix and asked if he could clear half an hour of holodeck time for me. A game of Velocity with the computer would do wonders: clear the mind and calm the body. But first, I took another long draught of coffee.

* * *

I felt much better after the Velocity, a shower, and a fresh uniform. But still I wondered if I was making a mistake. My nerves begged me to make the dinner into casual small talk, a performance review, anything but what I had planned. My heart threw itself against my chest, demanding the opposite. I finally made a decision.

"Tuvok, please join me in my Ready Room." He could most certainly help me see the logic I felt sure was eluding me presently.

So I just blurted it out. I looked him right in the eye, well, I had to look up a bit, and said, "I'm in love with Seven of Nine."

He just raised a single Vulcan eyebrow and said, "Indeed." He didn't even blink.

"Indeed, you're shocked, or indeed, you are not?" I stared back at him.

"Indeed, I see why you have sought my council."

I loved and hated how unresponsive he could be. How little he could give away. How... Vulcan he was.

"She doesn't know. At least I don't think she does. I've noticed... someone else's interest in her... I think..." Boy, I am mixed up, I thought. I forged on. "It suddenly seemed imperative to make her aware of my feelings, but now I am not so sure. I have arranged to have dinner with her tonight. Tuvok..." I had run out of words. I walked over to my desk, unable to stand still.

"You say you are in love with her. What, exactly are your feelings?" I knew he was not prying, just gathering data with which to form an opinion.

"I feel nervous when I am around her recently. I have for months. I didn't realize why at first, and now my feelings are growing stronger. Tuvok, since we severed her from the Borg, since the moment I saw her, I felt a connection. I assumed it was my protective instinct because she was human." I refrained from saying anything like 'maternal' to describe the feelings I had had. "I've grown to like her very much. I admire her, I feel friendship for her. And I am increasingly attracted to her. And I'd like to know just how she feels about me."

"What makes you think she may return your feelings?"

"The way she's looked at me sometimes. And when we're alone in Astrometrics she will occasionally stand so close to me that I have to back up."

I had been pacing around the room for several minutes, trying to answer his questions honestly and patiently.

"I wonder that my feelings could be this strong if they weren't being returned to some degree."

"And why are you questioning your feelings, Kathryn?" He rarely used my name. This must be serious.

"It's my actions I am questioning. I think I finally understand my feelings. I asked you in here to tell me if I am doing something foolish in telling her this. I am afraid of complicating the issue for her. It's Chakotay whom I think is interested in her. Am I making the blunder of my career to alienate my first officer? This ship can ill afford that. But if I stay silent, I think I will go crazy."

"Then, I believe you will do more harm than good by continuing to hide your feelings from her. No matter the outcome, you and Seven will adapt. You have always been honest with her and this time will be no different."

"What if she reacts badly? I am so out of practice at this sort of thing. And we've finally established a comfortable reparté."

"It does not seem logical to withhold your forthright nature from her now."

He had a point. I had not based any relationship on this vessel, nor any off it, on protecting someone from my opinions or feelings. I would honour my feelings and honour Seven's intelligence by revealing them.

"Thank you, my friend. I see the logic in it now."

"I wish you luck." That surprised me.

"Since when do you believe in luck?"

"Since you believe you need it."

* * *

"I have something I want to discuss with you, Seven."

We'd gotten halfway through the soup without incident. Roasted butternut squash with ginger. Red wine. Long range sensors, morale aboard the ship, her piano lessons with the Doctor, and some bread to go with the soup.

"Yes, I suspected as much," she replied. "What topic are we to discuss?"

"Emotions, Seven. Feelings. My feelings about you, specifically." That got her attention. She cast one of those expressionless and intense looks towards me. It made me sink into my chair just a bit.

She raised one eyebrow as she directed an unexpected comment. "I believe I am aware of your feelings towards me, Captain."

Captain. Hard to say whether she was aware or not. If she really knew, she'd understand that I didn't want to be called Captain in my own quarters alone with her, if she chose to use the knowledge to indulge me, that is.

"I see," was all I could manage.

She continued as though I had asked her to describe my feelings, as if I were quizzing her on some new protocol she was supposed to learn.

"You have shown you care for me a great deal. You have been supportive, you've corrected me when necessary, taught me about my human self. I believe that at times I frustrate you, but you show dedication and do not give up. You have steadily given me more freedom and responsibility, so I believe you trust me and have faith in me. Am I correct?"

I looked at the woman before me. Some of her hair was swept up in a hairclip at the back. The rest fell over her shoulders. She had chosen a red dress with a wide V-neck which showed off her long neck and collarbones in a way that made it hard for me to concentrate by moments. I wondered if anyone had helped her choose it. Then I recalled that she had occasionally worn this dress at Sandrine's. It was obvious I was looking at a woman vastly different than the one I had snatched back from the Borg, the one I had been determined to save. She had resisted out of stubbornness and fright then, although she would not admit it. She had been wild, like a caught animal. Bit by bit she took food from our hands as she began to trust us. I cared for her then because she needed someone to care for her. And I had been the one who brought her on board. But she'd long since stopped needing my care and feeding. My correction, perhaps, but that was true of almost everyone aboard this ship at one time or another.

She sat across from me now in full possession of herself: a strong and capable human woman. A beautiful woman to my eyes. And I realized she was humoring me with her description of my emotions. Before, she would have recited to impress me or prove that she had learned something accurately. It was subtle, but suddenly obvious that she was curious as to what I was about and was merely indulging me in my new direction of conversation.

"Yes, you are correct. I have found you to be a valuable member of the crew. And I don't mind us butting heads as much as you may think. You keep me on my toes. I was more concerned with my personal feelings towards you."

"Your personal feelings are concerning you, Captain?"

"Yes." I heard my voice come out lower. "Since we are having a personal conversation, would you call me Kathryn?"

"Yes, Kathryn, if you would prefer it."

"I would." I took a sip of my wine and held the glass with the tips of all ten fingers out in front of me. Here I go.

"Over the years, I've grown to admire you a great deal. I hope you've realized that. And I have come to enjoy your company very much. That's often the reason why I stop in to Astrometrics." I know I flushed a bit at the admission. "And, in fact, Seven, I..."

She cut me off. She looked distinctly uncomfortable as she said, "I am aware of your attraction to me... Kathryn."

Stunned, I said, "Oh?"

"I've noticed your agitation around me increasing also."

I must have looked confused (and why not, I felt so), because she started explaining herself.

"I can detect many things the crew is not aware that I can. Blood pressure, body temperature, respiration rate, sometimes emotional levels and pheromones. The nuances of an individual's walk or scent are easy for me to recognize and I use those to distinguish many people without visual contact. Once I am familiar with a person, I can begin to recognize different physical levels of stress, for example. Will this be too personal, Kathryn?"

"No, please Seven, continue." It may be, but I damn well wanted to know. I put down my wineglass.

"I became aware that crewmembers will be in many different physical states in my presence, one of them being sexual arousal. At first, when I detected this state in you, I assumed it to be a random occurrence I was witnessing, as it is in others. But soon I concluded you were responding specifically to me, because of the hormonal increases I frequently observed when we were together.

"I, myself had begun enjoying your visits more and more, and I thought to return your interest. I would endeavor to find something of interest to tell you to prolong your visit. I would attempt to stand closer to you while making it appear as a casual movement. This seemed to disturb you as you would invariably show signs of physiological stress and almost immediately seek to leave my company. On the occasions I attempted to hold your gaze, you would look away. I took this to mean that you did not wish to change the nature or intensity of our interactions. You seemed uncomfortable with your physical reaction to me and I did not wish to make you uncomfortable."

My heart was in my throat.

"If you felt this way, why did you not say something?"

"After reviewing Starfleet protocols on the matter, I did not believe it would be appropriate to make such feelings known since you are the Captain. And since it seemed obvious that you did not want to follow your emotions and did not enjoy my efforts to engage you, I saw no reason to embarrass us both."

"I'm sorry, Seven."

"There is no need to apologize if you wish to reduce our contact."

My gaze had drifted to my half-finished bowl of soup, but her last comment made me look up sharply. She had that resigned look on her face she got when she must accept something unpleasant.

"No, Seven, you've misunderstood. It wasn't that I didn't want your attention. I very badly did."

My eyes returned to my soup. "It's just that..." I looked up again. "I was afraid." My fingers went to my mouth as though to stop the words that had already been spoken. I let my hand slide down to cup my chin and support the weight of my thoughts.

"Afraid. Explain."

"That's the nature of attraction, Seven, it can terrifying to reveal. It makes one very vulnerable. I, also, thought it may be inappropriate to express my feelings to you. And I had no idea how you felt about me, how you might react. I was unaware that my physiology was so transparent to you. I thought you couldn't have known my feelings."

"That is why I avoid discussion of my perceptive abilities. I can make others uncomfortable because they assume I have some kind of advantage. Where as I feel at a disadvantage because of my lack of socialization among humans. What changed your mind?"

"About revealing myself to you?" I paused for a moment. Here went the other shoe. "Commander Chakotay changed my mind."

She looked puzzled again. "The Commander spoke to you about me?"

"Not about this, no. Seven, this is hard for me to admit."

"Apparently. Your blood pressure has risen several points in the last minute."

"I think you'll find that pointing that out will make it rise even more."

"I apologize. I do not wish to add tension to this situation." She did seem contrite.

I stood up, I had to move my feet. And it was the Captain's prerogative to pace the room while others remained seated. But then, I didn't wish to pull rank now. I had asked her to call me Kathryn, I had asked her to meet me on an equal level, so I stopped and turned to face her. Now, not even the table was between us. I felt exposed as I said the next words.

"I noticed the frequency of Commander Chakotay's visits to Astrometrics increasing. I considered that he too, enjoyed your company and may in fact have romantic feelings towards you as well, and I found myself feeling jealous, of all things. I thought if you were ready, as I knew you would eventually be, to start exploring your sexual nature and more intimate relationships with people, and there was someone already showing interest... Seven, I've always been honest with you. And I want now to be honest about this too, even though I've already tried to hide my feelings. I can see that doing so confused you rather than protected you. I am sorry about that, in particular.

"Observing Chakotay made me realize how much I love you." I paused. "I have grown to love you and along with that I have developed a deep attraction to you as well. Seven, I want you to understand that I'm not seeking any outcome other than for you to understand the totality of my feelings for you."

"You are over your fear, then?"

"Not entirely, but much of my discomfort is relieved now that you know and haven't fled the room. How do you feel?"

"I think I am... overwhelmed. Are you saying that you want to share a sexual relationship with me?" Boy, she might as well get to the point.

"Well, I am saying that I do love you and I will support you no matter how you choose to explore your love life. And yes. I am saying I would be a willing partner should you choose to do so with me." I was both exhilarated and exhausted. None of the scenarios I had dreaded had happened.

"I appreciate your candor. I too will be honest with you, Kathryn." My name was coming easier off her tongue. "I first began feeling physical attractions almost eight months ago. I observed these feelings and found them puzzling. I felt attractions to you, Lt. Torres, Ensign Manning, Commander Chakotay, and others."

I'm sure my face must have fallen, but she gave no notice. I didn't want to be one of many.

"I consulted the Doctor who indicated that this was normal, and a good developmental step. He suggested I continue my observations.

"It seemed to me my feelings were very unstable. They would appear and disappear, change their focus from one person to another. The Doctor said perhaps I was experiencing an aspect of emotional puberty. I grew accustomed to these emotional changes, but I found it a very strange process. At times I found I was attracted to crewmembers I did not even like. But I noticed one constant in all this, and that was my feelings for you, Kathryn,"

My heart went from my stomach to firmly lodge itself back in my throat.

"My feelings toward you have grown amidst this internal chaos. And as I watched these feelings for you grow, you seemed to be reacting to them without my taking any action. You increased your visits to Astrometrics, and sought my opinion more often in Cargo Bay 2. You smiled more readily at me. That is, until I tried to, in turn, respond to you.

"Then I noticed the greater your arousal level, the more terse you became with me, and the shorter your visit. Your explanation makes sense now, but at the time, I was sure you had wanted to distance yourself from me. I was... I believe the word is 'heartbroken'. But the Doctor assured me that this sort of thing was to be expected, though I did not identify you as the source of my difficulty. I am relieved that I misunderstood your reaction. Kathryn, I would very much like to explore this new part of myself with you. I am unsure of how to proceed."

I had been standing this whole time. Unmoving, out of respect for her frankness. I took a breath.

"I think you can just follow your instinct and I'll let you know if I need to do something different, okay? What is it you feel like doing?" I needed to leave the reins in her hands right now. It was all so fragile. So exquisite, this tender revelation between us.

She got up from her chair and walked slowly towards me. She had a slightly uncertain look on her face. She stood in front of me, looked me in the eye. "I have longed to feel your skin, Kathryn, and smell your hair. Is that odd?"

I could see she felt self-conscious. "No, I don't think so. Why don't you tell me how I feel?"

She raised her hand to my face and lightly rubbed the back of her hand along my jawline. I thought I'd melt.

"You feel soft, and good." She held my face in her hand and stroked my cheek with her thumb. I closed my eyes. I felt the fingers of her other hand close around mine and draw it up to her chest where she pressed it palm down over her heart. I could feel it beating strongly. And with each beat, heat pulsed through me. Then I felt soft lips brush mine. Instinctively I wrapped my free arm around her waist and pulled her gently to me. Her lips touched mine again and I opened slightly to their caress. There was no pressure, only contact. The third time she kissed me for real, her moist lips grasping one of mine and I responded with a kiss of my own. Was this really happening? It felt so unbelievably good. I pulled her hips closer into me as I felt her run her tongue across the inside of my upper lip, and heat rushed through me. I pulled back. I thought we could get out of hand really quickly and I felt it was getting a little too intense for a first kiss. Her very first.

"Is there something wrong?"

"No, it's all perfect, in fact. But I don't want to move quite so fast, and I am sure you can verify, my arousal level is getting pretty high. I just need to back off a bit, Seven. Nothing's wrong. This is just not something I want to rush into. Okay?"

"You are not regretting your actions?"

"No. No." I took her hand and kissed the knuckles. "Come and sit with me," I said as I led her to the couch.

"If we are going to explore this new aspect of our relationship, we need to consider each other's feelings as well as what is best for ourselves. I really believe you would benefit to take some time to adjust to this change. I think I need a bit of time myself to absorb it. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I believe so. You wish me to be sure of my decision. And perhaps you wish to be sure of yours. That seems wise."

"I am glad you agree."

"Then I shall go regenerate now. Thank you for dinner."

She stood up and I followed her to the door. That was Seven of Nine, abrupt.

"Will you permit me to kiss you goodnight?"

"Yes, I'd like that. But one more thing first. I'll treat you the same tomorrow as I did yesterday while I am wearing that uniform." I gestured to the black and red jacket I'd left slung over my reading chair. "Before you get too confused or offended, check for the four pips, all right? It may be them talking."

"Understood," she said, then enclosed me in arms and lips again for two full minutes. She broke the contact and rubbed her soft cheek against mine.

"Your hair smells like flowers," she said. She exited my quarters and left me in a swirl of emotion and sensation. I decided I would clean up the soup bowls in the morning.

* * *

My shift on the bridge the following day was perforated in lazy loops with thoughts of the previous evening. The ship's progress towards home was uneventful, my bridge crew kept the ship functioning as I meandered between the big chair and my Ready Room. Tuvok came by around lunch as was his habit, to deliver his midday report. He gave no indication of it, but I suspected that he was hoping for a report from me also.

"You were right, Tuvok. Honesty was the best policy." I couldn't help but smile as I said, "She feels for me as I'd hoped, but she also was afraid I wouldn't return her feelings."

"So, you understand each other now. I am pleased to hear it."

"Yes, thank you for your very logical assistance." It was the highest compliment I could think to pay him for his invaluable contribution.

"I am glad to be of help."

After Tuvok left, I decided to head down to Astrometrics. I felt giddy and nervous, but nothing like what I had felt yesterday. Again I paused before entering. I didn't get far before I heard her say

"Captain."

I approached her and delivered my usual, "Anything new on long range sensors?"

I studied her profile. My anxiety had evaporated with her nearness. I was about to step even nearer when she spoke.

"I detected a potential M class planet at the edge of our sensors this morning. Ensign Gomez is assisting me with the readings." Over her shoulder I noticed the outline of another person I had failed to register upon entering the lab.

"Ensign, you are overdue for you midday break. You may return at 1400 hours." The ensign left with a respectful, "Captain."

"Would you like to hear about the planet?" She had still not looked at me.

"No, I'll wait for your report. I really came by just to see how you were. Did you sleep well?"

"My regeneration was fruitful, Captain."

"You can call me Kathryn when we are alone, Seven."

She turned to face me. "Kathryn, I do not think I understand how to separate 'work' and 'pleasure'. I thought the purpose of your visit was to acquire data about the long range scans. How am I to deduce the nature of your visits?"

"I'm sorry, Seven. I have to admit that I have often stopped by only for the pleasure of your company and used the sensor readings as an excuse, as I was doing now. Perhaps for a while I should limit my stops here to ship's business only."

"I shall miss your visits, Kathryn."

"But we can see each other in our off-hours. That is, if you'd like that." I had a moment of doubt as I said it. I did not want to be presumptuous and assume how she'd feel, but I sounded more hesitant than I'd intended. I hoped her feelings hadn't changed.

"Yes. I am pleased with our time spent last night. It was very enjoyable. I mean, I had a good time." She managed a smile.

"So did I. If you would like to drop by my quarters tonight, maybe we could finish our soup. Or just talk."

"I would enjoy that. I will be finished at 1800 hours. I shall come by after that."

I didn't know if she had gotten my joke, but she'd agreed to see me this evening.

This was one of the handful of times I wished I had fewer pips on my collar.

* * *

When Seven arrived at my quarters, she declined the offer of food, and myself, I only wanted to feast on her company.

We relaxed on the couch. Well, not relaxed, really. I wasn't used to divulging my inner thoughts to her yet, and she was not yet practiced at small talk. She was still so behind in social interaction skills, but she was catching up quickly and I knew we could both adapt now, given time. So I led the conversation in small talk as we both grew more comfortable with each other.

There was a pause in conversation and I had run out of topics. She spoke into the silence a single word, "Kathryn." She moved closer to me on the couch and kissed me. I was awash with the feeling of her lips on mine and all words left me. I wanted so much to take her to my bed, but I was determined not to rush things with her.

It was finally her, five nights later, who asked me to take her there.

"If you are resisting on my behalf, please do not," she had said.

"Resistance is futile?" I had replied. I couldn't help myself.

"Resistance is unnecessary. I am confident in the strength of my feelings for you, Kathryn. If you are ready, I would like to spend the night here with you."

"Alright," I replied. And I stared into her eyes for a moment. Then I stood up and took her hand, and led her into my bedroom.

I asked the computer to dim the lights. I was still wearing my uniform pants and shirt. I removed the pips from my collar and set them on the bedside table. Seven helped me remove my shirt-vest and kissed my breast bone after. I felt a bit shy. I had no idea how her biosuit came undone so I made no attempt to undress her.

She too, seemed hesitant. "I have several implants you have not seen," she said quietly.

She was worried about the appearance of her body, like every human female is, like I was at that very moment.

I am older than she, and don't think that wasn't going through my mind right then. "And I don't have any." I looked down as I said this, then looked at her throat, then looked in her eyes. "Let's both not worry, okay?"

"Agreed." came her reply. She relaxed.

I busied myself with turning down the bed as she removed her suit. She slid between the covers before I even had a chance to look at her. I removed the rest of my clothes and tried to do the same.

We were together in my bed now where we'd both longed to be. To kiss seemed natural and from there our hands explored each other. I felt in another world. I was tracing circles on her belly as the back of her hand grazed my nipple, which hardened joyously under her touch. I sucked in air sharply and breathed more deeply after that. We were kissing again and her hand made its way to brush my pubic hair where I was normally ticklish, but this time, this time I felt only heat and desire and I rolled on my back and my hands sought her breasts again, and she slid her hands between my opening legs and felt how ready I'd been for her touch.

"You are highly aroused," she said and I thought 'Yes, Seven, yes. This is what you do to me, this is what I have to give you, yes... take it.' and she ran her fingers over me and through me. I answered her with a deep moan as she pushed into me. I was beyond having much control now, my hips jerked to meet her slow rhythm and my breath was ragged. She was drawing the pleasure from me and I was happy to surrender to her. Few could arouse me to such willing surrender and vulnerability, but I gave it to her in gasping pelvic gyrations, the years of deficit and the months of her gravity's pull on me twisting my muscles to a tortured peak as my hips threw themselves into her hand and she reached into me stroking the entrance to my womb until I lay finally still, damp and exhausted. I felt naked in the most profound sense of the word before her. Did she have any idea what she had just done to me? I shivered a little as my temperature dropped and I turned to my side and rested my head against her chest. She said nothing and perhaps her Borg senses told her of the mastery she'd had over me.

When I regained the ability to move, I found her rosy nipples were within inches of my lips and I took one between them and then the other. Her breasts were magnificent, large and firm and transmitting waves of pleasure through her if the undulations of her stomach and hips were any indication. I took satisfaction from seeing that my touch excited her so.

I moved slowly across her, letting her body demand the progression of my advance. I arrived between her legs, kneeling, my mouth still at her breast. Though I knew this was her first experience with another, her body was very insistent on what it wanted and she was very confident that I would give it to her. My fingers explored her and my lips soon followed. My tongue found her hard spot as my index finger played at her entrance. She seemed about to burst then, and she whispered hoarsely, "do not stop."

I gave her what I liked best with my tongue vigorous and my fingers diving gently and deeply, retreating and teasing then stroking deep again. She tasted sweet and salty and distantly pungent. I knew I was driving her into the same bliss she had led me into. She was moaning all the while, but as she braced her hands on the bed and began quivering she sighed repeatedly and shook all over in an almost delicate way. Only the fierce contractions over my fingers belied the intensity of her orgasm. She was beautiful to behold. My eyes took her in for the first time, a sheen over her body in the half-light of the cabin. Her hair was in disarray around her head. Her eyes were closed and her lips were slightly open. A Goddess before me.

I knew I would remember this moment forever. If the ship flew into an asteroid this instant, I would take this image of perfection happily to my grave.

I massaged her inner thighs and she looked down at me, beckoning me to be beside her. I lay next to her, drawing the sheet up over our hips with me. I looked into her still slightly unfocused eyes.

"I am... overwhelmed. That was a far more intense experience than I had anticipated."

"I'll second that," I said simply.

"You feel that way as well?" Her eyes were regaining an inquisitive look. "You do not appear to be surprised."

Surprised? Ah, yes. So long ago for me, that first time. How honest of her to voice it. "I've had more experience, I guess. But this is where I feel most vulnerable. That is why I hesitated so long with you, I think. We are new to each other and this feeling of unease that comes with the ecstasy lessens with both familiarity and experience. And we're both risking a lot here, Seven."

"We are both very solitary individuals."

"Yes, but we may be uniquely suited to understand each other as well, if we give it a chance."

"I have always found I could trust you, Kathryn, although many times I have doubted you in the process. I hope I am worthy of a similar trust."

"I wouldn't be here with you if I thought you weren't." That seemed to be all the reassurance we both needed, and we lapsed into a perceptive silence that continued for almost an half an hour until we fell asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

Tonight I was curled up in my chair, reading as I was often want to do. It was part of my nature to seek solitude, and losing myself amongst words, particular ones unchangingly imprinted on paper, was one of my greatest pleasures. Seven was on the couch with her long legs tucked up under her, going over Astrometric reports: her version of relaxing reading. I must have grunted or sniffed at something in the passage I'd been absorbing, because she looked over at me. The feeling of her gaze on me made me look up.

"What are you reading?" she asked.

"Historical fiction; the events leading up to the reign of King Arthur. Why?"

"You seem very captivated by it. What is it you find so fascinating about such reading? Wouldn't you rather read a properly historical account of the facts?"

"Have you never read any fiction, Seven?"

"I am aware of the folk tales of several hundred species."

"But have you not read anything out of the ship's library firsthand? Do you only ever read reports?" I found the very idea appalling.

"I saw no reason to do otherwise. But perhaps I am missing something. I have noticed your obvious enjoyment of this activity."

"Close your eyes."

"Why?"

I tilted my head sideways a bit and gave her my 'please indulge me' look. She set the padd she had been reading in her lap, folded her hands and closed her eyes. I hoped to show her something of my love for books as it had been shown to me when I was a girl. I looked down and read aloud the two paragraphs I had just finished. Then I left a second or two of silence before asking what she saw while I read.

"A man, a woman, and a sword."

"Listen again." She closed her eyes and I read the passage again. "Did you see anything more this time? What can you tell me about what was happening in that room?"

"Obviously the two are companions of some sort. They are familiar. They care about each other. The sword is a matter of great concern for the man, Merlyn, but so is his relationship with the woman. They both appear to be thoughtful individuals. I am curious as to what his response will be."

"And why is that? They are fictional, after all."

"I am unsure. Perhaps because I find their concern for each other intriguing. Their emotions seem real, although their substance is not. I cannot predict what will happen."

"It is possible to learn a great deal about human nature from well written fiction, in that you seem to share the events, the emotions, the thoughts of the character you are journeying with through the story. Besides entertainment, that is why I love to read. I find it sharpens and intrigues my mind and often teaches me something new about myself."

"Will you continue reading out loud?"

"I'd be delighted to." I started the passage again and read for another two pages.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her get up and move over to my chair, crouching beside me. I stopped reading to look at her. How I adored her. The more I looked at her these days, the more beautiful she seemed. We had grown comfortable with each other's company and often spent evenings quietly like this. Her hand floated up to my face and she leaned in to kiss me. I let the book fall into my lap.

I had thought we were in for a quiet evening. We had made lengthy love three or four times in the past two days. It seemed our physical cycles had aligned themselves and the hormonal peak we were both at had asserted itself strongly. I am no spring chicken and I was sure my fever was spent. But I felt the heat rise through me again insistently rushing to where her skin contacted mine. I pulled her out of her crouch and into my lap, book be damned, and kissed her. Her hand drifted from my face to my collarbone and then traced lazy circles in the middle of my chest.

"You have a beautiful reading voice," she cooed. She made funny statements like that, conveying other meanings. She did it often, I now realized, layering another non-verbal language over top the words, conveying so much annoyance, interest, irony, pleasure. Communication was as much nuance as actual language with her.

My hand sought out the dip above her hipbone, one of my favorite bits of her my hand could encompass.

"I have an idea," I said when I came up for air. "How about a change of scenery? There's a holoprogram I'd like to show you."

"Another fictional story?"

"No, just a location. I think you will like it."

Ten minutes later we were outside Holodeck One, dressed in bluejeans and cotton button-up shirts. The ship's chronometer indicated 2100h, but when we entered the holodeck, we had walked into an early evening in the August Indiana countryside. A gravel road stretched straight ahead before us, fields flowing away on either side. A dozen jersey cows I didn't remember programming grazed the distance. Somewhere near one of the distant houses, a dog barked. The bay doors closed behind us, disappearing and completing the illusion. I took her hand and we began walking slowly along the road.

"I grew up in this landscape. I miss it sometimes. Of course I back-dated this a few hundred years. I am a bit of a romantic for the farm life, but the land is the same. Beautiful, isn't it?"

"The landscape colours are harmonious. I feel more relaxed here. I can see why you like it. And it is your home."

"I just finished the program yesterday." A crow flew overhead, cawing at us, then another.

"You have incorporated many details."

"Two crows means good luck," I mused.

We walked almost a mile in silence. It was close to dusk and we had come parallel with one of the farmhouses and its outbuildings. I turned up the lane and headed for the barn. I had designed it myself: an historical wooden structure, the ground floor for animals, the upper loft for hay, but I hadn't yet been inside it. I opened what was called a 'mandoor', a smaller door set into one of the large swinging ones, and looked in.

"Want to explore?" I asked her. She nodded.

The interior was dim in the fading light. I found the ladder to the loft and went to it, climbing eagerly and pushing the hinged trap door open. The loft was the best part of a barn in my opinion. An architecturally simple, yet breathtaking space. Seven crawled up behind me and shut the trap door. The top was filled with bales of hay. It smelled sweet: the smell I remembered. Nostalgia flooded me.

"I hope I get to show you the real thing one day," I said. I generally had avoided talking about our future together. I thought it bad policy in a new relationship, but I was suddenly overcome by my love for her and could not imagine it absent. I took both her hands in mine and pulled her to me to kiss her. The heat rushed back in and through my lips. "Make love to me Seven." I looked up into her eyes. I wanted her so badly in that moment.

"In this barn?" she said, a little indignantly.

"Computer, can we have some blankets?" Two woolen blankets and a fitted horse blanket appeared folded on the nearest haybale. I looked at them and shrugged. I gave her my very best 'indulge me' look. She gave in and picked up the two wool blankets. I picked up the horse blanket, and shrugged again at her frown. It was thick and clean, after all.

I led the way to a flat layer among the bales, just as I had designed it. An irregular mow of hay was essential for the best barn leisure activities, like reading for example...

I spread out the horse blanket where we could sit flat and still lean on some other bales. I took one of the wool blankets and laid it over the horse one. I sat down. "Come here, my love," and I patted the blanket beside me. She lowered herself to the blanket.

"Take a moment to smell the hay."

She stuck her nose in the air and sniffed. "I have detected this scent on you once before, and found it pleasing mixed with your own." She listened to the quiet. Just the dog barking again. The holodeck did a wonderful job of deadening the ever-present hum of the warp drive. Here it was virtually undetectable. Cracks of pale light were visible in between the barn boards.

"I am beginning to understand the appeal of this setting."

I leaned back against the hay and drew her head to my shoulder. She relaxed into me, finally. I stroked her hair and leaned my head against hers. "This used to be one of my favorite places to hide and be alone. The top of a barn. I'd forgotten how much peace it brought me."

Then, quickly, her lips were on mine, her hands at the buttons between my breasts. A moan escaped me as her warm hand slid into my shirt and cupped my breast and her teeth nibbled a path down my neck. I unbuttoned the rest of my cotton top and pulled the shirt tales from my jeans, then I started on her buttons. She had followed my lead of dressing braless, so it was unimpeded that she kissed lower and traced a complete circle with her tongue around a breast before flicking at the nipple and then biting it. That sent a shock through me that my voice betrayed. I ignored her dangling, full breasts, their shape magnificent even under the pull of gravity like that, and took advantage of the way her thighs had parted as she leaned over me.

I traced a finger from the back to the front of where her thighs joined and I could feel the heat right through the denim. She released the pull on my nipple to kiss down my stomach over belt loops and zipper to where I thought I must be damping right through the material. I covered my wet breast with my hand. The air was cooling with the evening. She bit at me below my pubic bone and thrust her chin into the slight hollow below that. I had forgone the wearing of any undergarments and I felt a trickle of wetness soak itself into my jeans. I had to get them off. I reached for the button, but she got there first, undoing the zipper and pulling the pants over my raised hips. They bound up on my boots, but that proved only a small obstacle. I pushed her unbuttoned shirt down off her shoulders and started on her jeans. She pulled her own boots off. I called to the computer for another blanket, this time a thick cotton one, and I pulled it up over us, then the wool one on top.

We melted into each other's naked bodies as she moved onto me and settled over my length. She was about 15 kg. heavier than you'd expect, due to her Borg 'enhancements' and I couldn't support her weight for long, but I craved it all the same. She pushed her thigh between mine and at last my moisture met her skin, as hers met my own leg, bent to just the right angle. We groaned and grunted and ground against each other, dipping our tongues into each other's mouths. We were all heat and sweat. My breath came shorter and I pushed to roll us over, assuming the top, my weight cushioned by her instead. She was used to this move, she knew she was heavy for me.

I reached to where I had traced denim before and found to my delight slick and engorged folds of skin. I let myself slide off her a bit. She was unusually aroused for me, she thrust her hips into my touch. She pulled at my nipples the way she knew I liked; we'd learned the basics of each others' language of pleasure by now. I slid into her and she closed her muscles around me. She whispered the single word, "yes". I pushed and withdrew and stoked and thrust. I kept a rhythm and then changed it. She responded to all my caresses, every touch. Something in her had relaxed to allow a more delicious tension to build than I'd yet witnessed. She moaned and thrust into my hand and called my name as she came- the first time she'd called my name like that at the end. Her face was so beautifully contorted.

It was not long before she had pulled me atop her again. My body was short enough and her arms long that I could ride her hip and she could slip her fingers into me from between my buttocks. She teased me a good deal first until I was almost mad with it. She had such long, sensitive fingers that made a quick study of what gave me pleasure and she was ruthless with that knowledge. Finally my back arched and I convulsed against her and made sounds that I couldn't hear for I'd gone deaf and blind, my nerve endings obscuring all other sensory input. I collapsed down onto her with my face buried in her neck. Her arms encircled me. I was awash with sensation and emotion.

I must have dozed off in her arms because I awoke with my head still on her shoulder to the sounds of someone coming up the ladder. I grabbed at the blankets to cover as much of us as possible. It was dark, but momentarily the trap door was flipped open and two lightbulbs were illuminated in the rafters by the flicking of a switch. A strong looking woman in her fifties emerged into the loft. She moved towards the hay and then stopped, her hand flying to her chest as she saw us.

"We mean no harm," I said immediately, sitting up. "We are travelers and we sought a good night's sleep in your barn. We're sorry, we'll leave now."

She took a long look at us. "My, you gave me a turn!!" she said.

I could see she was assessing us. After a minute, she said, "We're just sitting down to supper in the house. Throw me down a few bales of hay for the morning, and come join us. You can have the spare room. That'll be more comfortable for you. You can leave in the morning. Mind you shut the lights on your way down." She tilted her head towards the lightswitch.

"No, really, thank you, but we'll be on our..."

"Thank you. We will be happy to accept your invitation." Seven cut me off.

"You two look more like young lovers than highway robbers," the woman chuckled on her way down the ladder.

"Who is she calling young?" I asked.

"We'd better throw some hay, whatever that means," Seven said, reaching for her clothes.

"When did you become so adventurous?"

"About two hours ago, I believe. We are here, we might as well explore this location. Did you program that character?"

I had to admit I hadn't. I was hopeless at creating authentic characters. Tom was much better at it. In fact, I would have to ask him later if he knew anything about this woman's appearance.

We picked hay from each other's hair, found the hay trap and put several bales down below, and making ourselves as presentable as possible, we left the barn and walked towards the house.

It was black outside. The square of the kitchen window was ahead. I looked up and caught my breath. It was an unusually clear night and the stars were magnificent. My eyes had forgotten how the stars appeared from my own planet, unmoving sparkling jewels, beckoning me. My other favorite thing had been to lay or stand until I thought my neck would snap for the ache in it, looking at the night sky. Now I had quadrants and starcharts and telemetry. Indiana still had the heavens. This truly was a night of lost treasures.

"The constellations are accurate, as is the rotational rate of the planet," Seven commented. "What is it you see, Kathryn?"

"Dancing light. Distant adventures, Orion drawing his bow."

I saw the small and innocent woman I used to be, gazing out there. Funny how much things change. Some of my innocence had become pain, so much of my smallness had become hard-won wisdom. But among this crew-become-family, I knew great happiness, camaraderie, devotion, and now, new love. Some of my innocence was evidently still intact, then, I reflected. I felt younger at that moment than I had in several years.

"I think I see perfection, Seven."

"Explain."

"From here, the stars are perfect. They have magnificence and incredible beauty. They appear constant, unchanging, yet always moving and shimmering. From here it seems no one could influence them, and they are filled with possibility. It's the grandness of the universe brought to my eyes in tiny pinpricks of light."

"Fascinating," she said softly. A glow had come over her face from somewhere. She gently took my shoulders and turned me away from her. On the horizon a vast yellow arc had appeared: a full harvest moon was rising. I took her hands from behind me and drew her arms around me. She rested her chin next to my ear. Then I remembered dinner.

"We should go in."

"Another 5.5 minutes will not likely be noticed."

"I suppose you're right." I was brought up with good rural manners and being in the landscape, I could not forget them. I glanced at the house. The farm woman had drawn the curtains aside to look out. I saw her shake her head and smile to herself, then let the curtains fall back.

* * *

We lay in the double bed, snuggled under a warm duvet. I could see the moon, high through the window. Seven's head rested on the pillow and on my shoulder, her arm draped across my stomach. She was asleep and I had repeatedly drifted off and awoken, the moon higher each time. I was blissfully content. We had eaten a supper of roast pork and potatoes with boiled turnips and peas. A cherry pie was the dessert. For some reason the food was replicated and not holographic. Seven had eaten well for all her usual consumption of only nutritional supplements.

It was so very quiet. The clock on the bedside table read 2:37 am. The dog had long since stopped barking, despite the full moon. Through the night, I had occasionally heard a snore and snort and the farm woman's holographic husband turning over in bed in the next room. Another unexpected, but oddly charming program detail.

I hated to, but I asked the computer anyway to visually display the current ship's time. The clock changed form 2:40 am to 0609h and then silently back. We could lay here in Indiana for another 21 minutes.

* * *

When I arrived on the bridge that morning, I bid everyone hello and asked Tom, who was sitting at the helm to join me in the Ready Room. I ordered a coffee from the replicator, then turned and sat at my desk while he stood there.

"Mr. Paris," I began sternly. I was going to enjoy this. "I'm surprised at your carelessness. What have you to say for yourself?"

Tom stood there stiffly at attention, wondering no doubt, what I was on about. "Ma'am?"

I looked at him from under my brows, coffee in hand. "I'm talking about the turnips, Tom. All we need is for Neelix to get ahold of that recipe and when it is not leola root, it'll be turnips. You've put this ship in serious jeopardy."

I saw the corner of his mouth turn up briefly before he mastered himself enough to play along. "Turnips, Ma'am?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Lieutenant, your fingerprints were all over that program."

"The Doctor put me up to it, Captain.

"He became aware of the program you were building during the routine monitoring he does of the crew's use of the holodeck for relaxation and stress relief. He asked me to enhance the program in the hopes that a more engaging setting would prolong your stay there. He's always complaining that you don't take enough time off."

"And I drink too much coffee, I know. Well, I want you to know I commend your efforts. The full moon was a nice touch, but delete the turnips, okay, before we are all sorry?

"And another thing, Tom, I'd like that to stay my own private Indiana, all right? I enjoyed quite a nice time there."

End.

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