Sensations

Part 5
 

With the preliminaries aside, the early-morning conversation had become businesslike, turning to a discussion of the Captain's demeanor and how best to assess her feelings for Seven. Clearly, they would have to watch the Captain closely throughout the day for reactions whenever she was in the young woman's presence or whenever Seven's name was mentioned. There had been some debate, however, about what signs to look for. The ex-Borg, for her part, had recommended that they concentrate their analysis on changes in the Captain's pupils, complexion, and breathing as physiological indicators of sexual arousal. The others had gently countered by trying to convince Seven that what were important for her purposes were the more subtle cues that indicated an emotional attraction. She had deferred to their experience, but lacking any point of reference herself, she remained skeptical that one could determine anything from such subtle cues.

That settled, after a fashion, the four conspirators (well, really B'Elanna, Tom, and Harry, with Seven just listening and taking notes) proceeded to plan their multi-pronged initiative for matchmaking Captain Janeway with Seven of Nine.

B'Elanna had a mid-morning departmental meeting scheduled with the Captain to discuss engineering personnel. Since Astrometrics fell under her purview, she had told the others that this would provide a perfect opportunity to work the topic of Seven seamlessly into the discussion and assay the Captain's sentiments toward the former Borg.

At 1150 hours, B'Elanna Torres reported to the Astrometrics Lab to inform Seven of Nine that when the conversation had turned to her, the Captain's tone and comportment had betrayed "an interest." Seven seemed doubtful, until the engineer relented and added helpfully that the Captain's pupils had dilated. The former Borg nodded pensively, accepting that as a positive sign of the Captain's attraction for her.

At 1230 hours, Harry Kim interrupted the Captain in her Ready Room to present her with a dozen long-stemmed red roses in a vase from Seven. As had been planned, the roses were accompanied by a note that the conspirators had drafted with Seven's *accidental* input. It read, "Captain, 'My love is like a red, red rose'. I profess I do not entirely understand this simile. Please explain it to me.....tonight. Yours, Seven."

At 1235 hours, Ensign Kim reported to Seven that the Captain had nearly fallen out of her chair in shock when he told her who the flowers were from, but when she read the note, Harry said, "she smiled and got dewy-eyed." "Did her pupils dilate?" Seven had asked anxiously. "I guess so," Harry had offered in response. The former Borg smiled.

At 1400 hours, Tom Paris requested admittance to the Captain's Ready Room, this time brandishing a box of chocolates and another note: "Kathryn, Everything is arranged. Please meet me at 1900h in HD2. Yours Sweetly, Seven."

At 1410 hours, Paris reported to Seven that the Captain read the note, "got a big, broad smile on her face," and immediately "dove into the candies." He also indicated that the rest of the senior staff had gotten wind of their "secret mission" and were offering to assist in its execution.

At 1500 hours, Commander Tuvok attended a security meeting with the Captain. By then, she had apparently been thinking long and hard about Seven and seemed extremely distracted. "Captain," he had finally broken into her thoughts, "your mind is clearly elsewhere. Would you like to postpone this meeting until after your *date* with Seven of Nine." He had purposely inflected the word to make clear that everyone knew what was going on and to convey, as well, that it was being taken in stride.

At 1530 hours, Tuvok reported to Seven that the Captain was "having doubts" but was nevertheless seriously considering Seven's advances.

At 1600 hours, Commander Chakotay entered the Ready Room and gave the Captain a bottle with yet another note: "K., I know you are thinking of canceling. Here is the wine for tonight's dinner. Now you *have* to come. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. As ever, S." This time, Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager *did* fall out of her chair. By now, of course, she had begun to catch on that the cards.....errr, *crew*.....were clearly stacked against her. Seven was getting help. But this last note had nevertheless caught her off guard.

At 1615 hours, Chakotay reported to Seven that the Captain, after she had recovered from a five-minute bout of uncontrollable laughter, had said, "OK, Chakotay, when you talk to Seven, as I know you will, tell her I give up. I accept her invitation!" Seven had beamed.

By 1730 hours, the Captain had completed her shift and was in her cabin debating what to wear when her door chimed. It was the Doctor. "Now what?" she asked, half amused, half exasperated. "Seven just wanted me to drop by and make sure you weren't developing any headaches or anything," he explained with his typical tinge of sarcasm. "Tell her that I've never felt better and that even a deadly strain of Bolian flu wouldn't keep me from our date tonight." "Well technically it *would*," the Doctor had retorted, "but I'll tell her you'll be there."

Finally, 1900 hours had arrived, and Seven of Nine was already installed at their table in Holodeck 2, nervously repositioning the silverware at her place-setting as she awaited the Captain's arrival.

The program running was one Commander Chakotay had suggested: the small, quiet restaurant of a beachside resort on Risa, dinner for two on a private patio overlooking the ocean. "Very intimate and very romantic," he had said. Seven considered it must be acceptable for her purposes because when B'Elanna saw the program, she accused Chakotay of "holding out on us" and then promptly informed Tom Paris that they would be "coming here ourselves tomorrow night." The former Borg had been enormously pleased with all the preparations. All that she needed now was.....the Captain. Her stomach fluttered at the thought.

***** Sensations -- Part 6
 

Seven's nervous reverie was interrupted by the sound of the holodeck doors. Kathryn had arrived. With heightening anticipation, she stood up to greet the Captain, pausing a few steps away to allow sufficient distance for their mutual appraisal.....and admiration.

Seven had her hair down and brushed back in a halo of shimmering, golden waves. And in lieu of her customary unitard, she wore a sleeveless, cream colored dress, with a plunging neckline, bare back, cinched waist, and a skirt that hugged her hips suggestively down to mid-thigh. About the only things missing, Kathryn considered, were the wings.

The Captain, for her part, had on a midnight-blue silk dress, also sleeveless but with a more demure scoop-neck collar and a slightly lengthier skirt, coming down to the knee. The back, however, was also bare. In her arms, Seven noted with a wry smile, was the bottle of wine she had sent her earlier in the day.

"Well," Kathryn began, a little nervously, "I'm here as promised, wine in tow." She took a breath, thinking of something else to say. "You had quite a lot of help getting me here, didn't you?" she smirked.

"Yes. The senior officers were most accommodating in offering me advice and assistance towards my goal of securing a date with you."

Kathryn sighed deeply and allowed a sorrowful expression briefly to shadow her face. "To what end, Seven?" she asked very gently. "You realize that I can't become involved with you."

"As of my meeting this morning with Lieutenant Torres and Ensigns Paris and Kim, I am aware that you may have several reasons for thinking that I am an unsuitable match for you. Tonight, I hope to convince you otherwise by presenting you with logical counter-arguments for each of those concerns.....except for one possible objection you could raise that, I admit, I cannot adequately counter."

"Which is?"

"I do not know what to say or do if you are unattracted to me, either because I am female or because of my Borg implants or because I simply fail to stir romantic sentiments in you." Seven's next question came out in a quite weak and uncertain voice. "*Are* you attracted to me?"

Kathryn bit her lip, suspecting it was impossible for her to lie to Seven but wanting, at least, to temper her response, to avoid declaring her attraction with open abandon. "Seven," she began carefully, "I know this is about last night, about the way I embraced you at the party, and I'm sorry that those actions confused you. But.....I hugged you -- and kissed you -- simply as a way of saying 'thank you'.....for the gift."

Seven's look was questioning and forlorn: "Is that all?"

Kathryn swallowed hard and averted her eyes, suddenly very keen to study the stopper on the wine bottle she held.

"No," she said finally in a small voice, unable to dissemble any longer. Then, recapturing Seven's eyes, her own filled with open honesty, Kathryn sputtered, "I.....I don't entirely understand it myself. The longer I held you, the more I didn't want it to stop."

Seven smiled. "That is what I felt, too. It is what I feel now. I do not want it to stop."

Kathryn smiled broadly at that and began to relax a bit in the wake of her admission. "You know," she went on, "you made today very special for me. I haven't felt like that in a long time."

"Like what?"

"Attractive.....desirable.....the object of someone's affection. And I was even more delighted when I realized everyone was in on it. I know I'm supposed to keep up appearances, but even I get tired of the crew always thinking of me as some sort of Virgin Mother figure."

"'Virgin Mother'? How is that possible?"

"How indeed?" Kathryn laughed. "Let's sit down," she suggested. "Interesting program. Risa?"

"Yes. Commander Chakotay recommended it." Seven continued distractedly as a waiter materialized and began serving their dinner. "He mentioned something about it's having been intended for you, anyway." Seven refocused her attention on Kathryn. "Do you regret that I am the one here with you instead of the Commander?"

"No, not at all," Kathryn responded honestly. "If that had been meant to happen, Chakotay and I would have been a couple long before now." Kathryn's attention was diverted by the arrival of the dinner. "Mmmm. This smells wonderful. What are we having?"

"Crab and Lobster Bisque -- which I have been assured does not involve our struggling with exoskeletons -- a salad, bread, the wine I had you bring, and coffee and cake for dessert. Tom and Harry selected the menu."

"Perfect," Kathryn declared. Then picking up the thread of their prior conversation, "Are you jealous of Chakotay?"

"Jealous?"

"Are you worried that I might have affectionate feelings toward him even though he and I aren't involved?" Kathryn restated.

"I had not considered that you do. I shall have to think about that and report back to you later."

Kathryn smiled. "All right."

"You mentioned earlier that you do not like being thought of as a 'Virgin Mother'. Does that mean that you wish the crew to understand that you are not 'virginal'?"

"Well, in a manner of speaking," she quipped. Then, more thoughtfully, she admitted, "I suppose I'm partly to blame for that impression. After all, I'm the Captain. I'm supposed to be above all that, aren't I? Strong and independent. Standing apart. Not needing anyone." The words came out a bit more bitterly than Kathryn realized she had felt.

Seven remained patiently quiet, sensing that Kathryn needed to voice sentiments she hadn't really given herself permission to express before. "For a long time," Kathryn continued introspectively, "I think I drew some of the emotional support I needed from the knowledge that I was still engaged to someone back home, that someone out there still cared for me. But," she added, more weakly and with a shade of embarrassment, "it *has* been a long five years, Seven. And when I learned that Mark had moved on, those five years of loneliness washed over me like a tidal wave."

"I understand that human emotion.....better than all the others," Seven admitted, wanting to convey sympathy but sounding more pitiful than she had meant to.

"Yes, I believe you do."

"There have been times," Seven continued gently, "when the crew understood that you were feeling that way. When we were traveling through the Void, for example." She looked deeply into Janeway's eyes, trying to convey that her words were meant as a concerned observation rather than a criticism: "Your depression and self-enforced solitude, I believe, hurt crew morale deeply. In my case, at least, even while I understood that you needed that time alone to settle your emotions, I missed our interactions and very much desired to console you somehow."

Janeway smiled wanly at Seven but let her comment go unremarked. Instead she observed, "I take it you're about to present the first of your arguments regarding our getting involved."

Seven nodded slightly. Then pensively, she began, "I have learned from Tuvok and from my own observations that human emotions seldom yield to intellect, but I would like to encourage you to try looking at the matter logically?"

"Look at my *sex life* logically?!" Janeway exclaimed.

"Not that," Seven retorted. "Not *just* that," she amended. "I am asking you to look logically at your emotional states and their effects on your crew." Seven continued: "If your unhappiness diminishes crew morale, perhaps your happiness would elevate it. Surely you understand that particularly in situations of extreme stress, individuals will typically take their emotional cues from a respected leader. Voyager is almost constantly in such a situation. Therefore, this crew needs you to be at your 'emotional best'. No?" Seven paused a moment, allowing the Captain to consider that point before moving onto the next.

"Overstated," Janeway concluded. "But I'll concede the point.....up to a point," she allowed with amusement.

"Very well," Seven accepted, returning the amused look. "I would then ask you to consider what contributes to your positive emotional states. You have just admitted that being alone makes you desperately unhappy. If that is the case, then despite whatever complications might attend a romantic involvement, perhaps such an involvement would make you happy."

"Well, that's the hope," Kathryn allowed wistfully.

"If you concede that," Seven concluded, "then however 'weak' you think you might seem in the crew's eyes simply by letting them see that you need somebody, perhaps, for the sake of your own emotional state and by extension the crew's morale, you *should* take a lover."

Janeway caught her breath at the notion stated so plainly, then took a nervous sip from her wine. Finally, she turned her attention fully to Seven and plunged in: "All right. So you want to become my lover." She swallowed again nervously before proceeding. "What about protocol? Getting involved with one of my crew is.....complicated."

"But out here in the Delta Quadrant, your choices are limited. Unless you intend to stay alone for the remaining 37 years of our journey, or unless you meet someone and decide to step down as captain, perhaps even leave Voyager altogether, you would have no choice but to become involved with a member of your crew. I've already explained how the crew is negatively affected by your depression and loneliness. It would also be negatively affected if you gave up your captaincy to pursue your own happiness inasmuch as Voyager would loose its most experienced and capable captain."

"Chakotay would make a suitable replacement. He was captain of his own vessel before joining Voyager."

"Suitable, but not as capable as you, partly owing to your superior training and experience, but also owing to circumstance. You are the recognized leader of Voyager, and while the crew would no doubt adapt, ultimately, to your departure, it would feel like a form of abandonment. Which is precisely why this line of argument is completely irrelevant. You and I both know that you would never willingly give up this ship and crew before returning them to the Alpha Quadrant, before getting them back 'home', and least of all for the sake of your own happiness."

"Point taken. So why wouldn't I also simply forego taking a lover on Voyager, out of this same sense of commitment?"

"That is clearly what you *are* doing. But I still do not understand why the two are mutually exclusive. How does your taking a lover from among the crew of Voyager negatively affect your ultimate goal of getting this ship home?"

"Well it isn't a foregone conclusion that it *would* have a negative effect, but the concern -- which is the underlying reason, in the first place, for protocols governing my fraternizing with members of my crew -- is that such a relationship might impair my ability to make command decisions involving my partner. What if I do develop strong feelings for you, Seven, and you suddenly find yourself in a dangerous situation, which is very likely under our circumstances: I could wind up putting Voyager at risk just to save you."

"Have you not done that already?"

"I beg your pardon?" Kathryn responded, a little too defensively.

"When you rescued me from the Borg Queen?" Seven suggested.

Kathryn paused, caught off-guard and suddenly irritated, even a little angry, by the suggestion. Then, slowly, almost threateningly, "I made a command decision to rescue a member of my crew because a captain doesn't desert a crewman if it can be helped."

"Nevertheless, you chose to lead the mission yourself, and you sent your best pilot and Voyager's only doctor. If the three of you had failed, the loss to Voyager would have been considerable."

"Or maybe our success was secured because I did send my best people," Janeway rejoined in commanding tones. Then, softening, she added, "Furthermore, Seven, you aren't as expendable as you think. You still don't understand how valuable a member of this crew you are. Don't you know how often Voyager has been saved from total destruction by you or because of you?"

"Then your decision to rescue me was not based on personal feelings," Seven stated more than questioned.

"No!" Kathryn insisted stubbornly.

"And you still rescued me," Seven continued matter-of-factly.

"Yes," Kathryn allowed slowly, a little less certain about where Seven was now headed.

"So what difference would it make if your future decisions about me are based on personal rather than professional considerations?"

"I'm not following you."

"Captain, objectively speaking, the outcome would in all likelihood be the same. Up to a certain point, you will always take risks to rescue me because you have already decided that I contribute to Voyager's survival."

Seven could see that the Captain's initial anger at having her command decisions questioned was ebbing, partly because Seven was accepting that she *had* acted out of a sense of duty to ship and crew. But the Captain was still not entirely convinced.

"Would it help," Seven offered coyly, "if I promise you that I will not cease to be a valuable member of Voyager simply by becoming your lover?"

Kathryn caught the glint of amusement in Seven's eyes on that last comment and laughed softly at the implied humor.

"Ultimately," Seven continued, "it is a matter of trust. You have to trust your own abilities to make the right decision as situations arise involving me. And if you do waver, you have to trust that I would not let you risk everything for my sake. I love you too much to see you take risks that are too extreme, that you would come to regret later."

Kathryn appraised Seven carefully, preparing to move, Seven could tell, to a new line of argument. "Seven," she asked softly, "do you even know what 'love' is?"

Seven flinched a bit at the bluntness of the question, but she granted her prospective partner's need to ask it. After all, if she expected the Captain to make herself vulnerable by opening up her feelings and letting herself fall in love with Seven, then Seven owed her some assurance that she understood the magnitude of what she was asking. Nevertheless, she felt suddenly small and inadequate and hung her head a little before answering. "I do not understand everything that this word is meant to encompass, nor can I have anything but a very subjective sense of the emotion it expresses. I do know that when I explained to B'Elanna, Tom, and Harry what I felt for you, they acceded that 'love' was the appropriate term for what I described."

"Tell me what those feelings are," Kathryn requested.

"I admire your intellect, and I appreciate your scientific curiosity. It has, more often than I've admitted to you, led me to new and unexpected perspectives. I am impressed by your will, character, and bravery, which make you formidable......but......" Seven felt herself fumbling. Expressing her emotions was not one of her strong suits, and she knew this was one time she had to get it enormously right. She began to sense that Kathryn's qualities were not the issue here; that what Kathryn needed to hear more about was her effect on Seven herself, on who and what Seven had become.

"But," she continued more wistfully, "you are also extremely gentle and caring......particularly with me. From the beginning, you have been the person I find it easiest to talk with, to express my views to, even when we have been in disagreement. You have made me angrier and happier than anyone else I know. You are the person who most elicits my sense of self, my individuality. 'I' am when I am with you. Perhaps that is why I want to be with you all the time. I can no longer adequately concentrate on my work because my mind drifts to thoughts of you. I wonder what you are doing. I anticipate the next time I will see you. When we are alone and off-duty as we are now, I feel great pleasure in here," she said, motioning to her chest. "Sometimes it is so great that I can barely breathe. And I have begun to have other physiological reactions to your presence. When you first arrived here this evening, looking as you do, it made my stomach flutter. Your voice, your laughter -- they send electrical charges throughout my body. And when you touched me last night......" Seven swallowed hard, unable to finish as she was suddenly overcome by the memory of those sensations. "Perhaps this is *not* love, but since you are the source of these feelings, who else if not you could help me determine what these feelings are?"

Kathryn was silent, apparently struck dumb by Seven's outpouring of emotion, making Seven now wonder ruefully whether she had said too much, whether she had overwhelmed Kathryn with her own need and had placed yet another burden on the Captain's shoulders. She felt suddenly selfish, demanding more from Kathryn than was appropriate, especially since Seven doubted that she had anything of real value to offer her in return.

"I am sorry, Captain!" Seven blurted, edging her chair away from the table. "I have no right to make these demands of you. I can see now that to ask you to complicate your life further when I cannot even be assured of my own feelings for you is unconscionable!"

"Seven!" Kathryn interrupted, grabbing Seven's left hand across the table to forestall her leaving. "Seven." she repeated more gently. "Lesson number one about romance: there are no guarantees and assurances. That's the point, anyway, of a first date -- to figure out how you feel about the other person......And I'm figuring out that I very much enjoy spending time alone with Seven of Nine."

Seven's attention was pulled away from Kathryn's eyes by the feel of Kathryn's hand above her own. More sensations. Heat. Electricity. Shudders.

Kathryn followed Seven's line of sight and understood (because she felt it herself) that the contact was riveting. Slowly, Kathryn slid her fingers down from Seven's wrist, over her knuckles, and into the palm, so that she and Seven were now holding hands. She looked up at Seven then, and Seven returned the gaze. Silently, Kathryn picked up her spoon with her left hand and began quietly eating while her other hand continued caressing Seven's.

Unable to concentrate on the procedure of eating, Seven attempted to simulate the process by mirroring Kathryn's gestures. She managed to pick up her own spoon and dip it into the soup, but the next maneuver proved to be a bit trickier. Driven to the point of distraction by her dinner partner's caress, Seven miscalculated and missed her mouth completely, spilling a stream of soup down the right side of her mouth and chin.

The gurgle of laughter that came from the other side of the table was cleansing: it washed away the silence, the tension, and the cold, sending a wave of calm and affection over Seven. As she wiped her chin, she smiled shyly across the table at Kathryn, who looked back at her with equal tides of calm and affection.