Sustenance

Part 5

Kathryn came back to herself, then, to her quarters, to the present, and to the undeniable reality of her humiliation. While on the planet, far from Starfleet and duty and honor and everything else that made her Captain Janeway, she had accepted Seven's succor:  at first reluctantly, than lovingly, one human being to another. But now back on Voyager, the quiet desperation, the loving sacrifices, the reasonable choices were all too distant and ephemeral. And all that remained was the stark reality that she had exploited a member of her crew and stolen her innocence.  What had seemed a symbiotic bond forged in love between her and Seven now felt like a parasitic attachment born of her own spineless and selfish instinct for self-preservation. And as her Starfleet sensibilities reasserted themselves, she began to will her human needs to recede again to that dark tower, behind the fortress of her command mask, to which they had been condemned five years before when Voyager got lost in the Delta Quadrant.

She considered ruefully, however, that Seven might not be so willing to bottle up her own newfound human needs and emotions. And perhaps she shouldn't. Kathryn adored Seven -- would always cherish her for what Kathryn was convinced had been a sacrifice. No. Seven was beyond reproach and should not be hurt by any of this if Kathryn could help it.

But Kathryn couldn't help feeling that her own behavior in allowing all this to happen was in some sense inexcusable. Even unimaginable. Except that she could, regretfully, imagine it because she couldn't get it out of her head! And now Chakotay knew, too, compounding her guilt and humiliation.  How could she face him again? Face anyone, knowing what she had let herself do? She wanted to vanish permanently, never to see another individual again.

As if to mock her, the door signaled someone's request to see her. Kathryn ignored the chime. "Computer, log me as off duty for a personal emergency and not to be disturbed for anything less than a Red Alert, and then inform whoever's at my door of my current status."

"Acknowledged," responded the feminine sounding digital voice.

The chime did not sound a second request for entry, and after a moment, Kathryn allowed herself to breathe a small sigh of relief. Then suddenly the doors swished open, and Seven of Nine walked in. "Computer," she said, "reset doorlock and this time use Borg encryption code Alpha 2."

From anyone else, Kathryn would have been livid at the invasion, but she could not bring herself even to scold Seven.  She merely looked away trying to maintain her self-control.

"Commander Chakotay has closed the investigation promising not to record or otherwise reveal any of the events that took place."

"And will he also promise to forget?" Kathryn asked sarcastically, eyes still fixed on the star field outside.

Seven took a breath. "Whether the Commander forgets or not is irrelevant. What matters is how you remember those events."

Kathryn looked sharply at Seven then, tears threatening to obscure her vision.

Seven went on. "I believe you and I remember those events differently. We had different experiences. And since I am grateful for what happened, I am here to help you begin to remember those events through my experiences."

"Oh, my darling, can't you see how I used you?"

"It was what you needed at the time, Kathryn. And I gave myself over to it willingly because I love you. I chose, too. Remember?"

As Kathryn considered, Seven took the opportunity to approach the couch and sit down next to her, placing something on the table across from them.

"What is that?" Kathryn asked, mildly grateful for the distraction.

"It is a hypospray."

"I can see that. What's in it?"

"I will explain in a moment." Kathryn was nonplused by Seven's evasion but allowed the young woman to continue. "You believe that you used me. My experience of those events is that I took pleasure in the sensations you were producing in me while outwardly giving you the impression that I was sacrificing myself to your hungers."

"You did sacrifice yourself."

"No, Kathryn. There was no sacrifice." Seven paused, trying to determine how best to explain what she felt. "After you severed me from the Collective, and the Doctor was forced to remove the implants my body began rejecting, I warned you that while you could perhaps alter my physiology, you would never be able to change my nature. Do you remember that?"

"Yes."

"I believe now I was wrong to draw such a stark distinction between my body and my mind.  My physiology does affect what I think and feel. I admit that my decision to modify my nanoprobes to induce lactation was based initially on a utilitarian calculation of how best to secure your survival with the provisions we had; however, my reasons did not remain utilitarian."

Kathryn winced a little at the notion that Seven's breasts were "provisions," but she had sufficient Starfleet survival training about how to generate body heat and how to recycle bodily fluids to recognize and acknowledge that one's body and the bodies of one's companions could, in a sense, provide for everyone's mutual survival. So she left Seven's comment unremarked and allowed the young woman to continue.

Seven's voice became almost wistful as she pressed on. "Kathryn, when I felt my breasts filling with milk, my heart became filled as well -- it filled with such a sense of purpose, with the import of what I was doing for your sake. And when I expressed that first cup for you, I felt as though I had also poured out my emotions for you, which is why your refusal hurt me so deeply. And when you finally accepted.....Oh, Kathryn! Nothing could have prepared me for what I felt when you ingested my milk that first time, drawing it out yourself......I felt.......I.......I cannot adequately describe it.  The physiological sensations, the emotions, the terrific joy I felt in being able to assist in so......intimate a fashion in your survival. Kathryn, I cannot describe how wonderful it feels to feed someone you love!"

Seven reached over now for the hypospray and cradled it in her hands as she continued, less certainly. "If you wish to understand some of what I felt, I can show you."

Kathryn caught her breath at the impossible suggestion that was beginning to form in her mind. "How?" she exhaled.

"I have extracted some of my nanoprobes and reprogrammed them for one purpose only. To stimulate the production of a few ounces of milk in your mammary glands and then go into stasis to forestall any further lactation. All I would have to do is inject the nanoprobes into your system. The dormant probes would then be expelled in the milk when I drink it."

Kathryn gasped again: "When you.....?"

"Yes, Kathryn."

Seven paused to allow Kathryn time to consider all she had said. "Kathryn," she continued after a moment, "I cannot reproduce all of the conditions of our experience, nor would I want to. However, to help you begin to understand the experience from my perspective, I am giving you the opportunity to suckle me as I suckled you."

Kathryn couldn't believe she was actually considering this. But perhaps it was the recent memory of having done this same thing repeatedly with Seven that made the whole notion, even despite the turnaround, less radical. And she could see, could understand, Seven's heartfelt intent in the suggestion: to help Kathryn come to terms with everything she did to Seven, to help her understand how Seven felt in response.

"Computer. Log Seven of Nine off duty on a personal emergency and to be disturbed only for extremely urgent ship's business. Captain's orders."

"So logged," the computer responded.

Kathryn eyed the hypospray then stared back at Seven a long moment. Then licking a dry lip, she reached down and slowly pulled off her shirt and then the sleeveless half-shirt, leaving her breasts exposed.

"Uh.....where exactly do you need to introduce the probes into my system?" Kathryn asked nervously.

Seven smiled. "In your neck, Kathryn," she explained gently. "The nanoprobes know where to go from there."

Kathryn visibly relaxed a bit.  She then leaned back against the low arm of the sofa, which helped at once to keep her propped up while also slightly arching her back.

She flinched as the hypospray made contact with her skin, instantly feeling an almost electrical, tingling sensation moving from her neck in two directions, flickering up into her head and tittering down across her chest.  She felt momentarily dizzy.  Just as quickly, she felt a sharp warmth suffusing both of her breasts and then a dull ache as the skin and tissue distended, no doubt from the immediate lactation that the nanoprobes had stimulated. After a moment, the activities seemed to abate.

Kathryn reached up curiously and gently lifted her breasts, which were suddenly larger than she'd ever seen them, and feeling firm and bloated and heavy with fluid.  She gave them a gentle squeeze and was caught off guard by the short streams of milk that squirted out of each tip and splashed irreverently on Seven's clothes. She would have laughed at the absurdity of it but for the fact that she was overwhelmed by the unfamiliar sensation of fluid coursing through her nipples.

Seven understood. And wanting now to help her beloved repeat that marvelous sensation, she dipped her head down gently, wrapped her mouth around one of Kathryn's nipples, and slowly began to suck.

Kathryn gasped from the intense delight of Seven's mouth on her breast -- the feel of soft, wet heat tugging at her sensitive nipple and drawing liquid out of the mass. She closed her eyes in concentration, focusing on the physical sensations and beginning to lose herself in the pleasure of it. Then her chin came gently to rest on Seven's head, and she remembered the woman at the end of that contact.

She looked down and studied the scene carefully: the blonde head nestled against her bosom, eyes peacefully shut, the jaw languidly flexing in a rhythmic motion, the full lips wrapped tightly around the offered nipple, a slight film of milk waxing-waning around the rim of contact, and the expression -- Seven's expression -- sweet, innocent, content. And then Seven's words came back to her: not just a utilitarian outpouring but an emotional one. Kathryn considered that and began to analyze her feelings one by one, to let them wash over her.

What she recognized first was a deep sense of tenderness toward Seven. And she allowed herself to express that tenderness, dipping her head down to nuzzle and then kiss the sweet-smelling blonde hair at the top of Seven's head.

That elicited a gurgle of pleasure from the young woman, which in turn stirred more sentiments in Kathryn.  And what she felt then was great joy, almost bursting from her chest in its intensity: so much that she involuntarily brought her arms up to cradle Seven's head to her bosom as if to contain that joy.

Seven responded to that, too, bringing her hands up to Kathryn's arms in subtle affirmation of the embrace and then stroking up the shoulders and around back until she was returning the hug with one of her own. She then kissed across Kathryn's chest until her mouth found the second nipple and began drawing liquid from there to relieve a bit of the pressure in the other breast.

Kathryn immediately recognized the gesture for what it was: an effort to alleviate her own discomfort. And the realization touched off another chain of emotions -- a sense of mutual caring and adoration, of helping and being helped, all at once, by someone both cherished and cherishing.

As if sensing the particular sentiments now playing in Kathryn's mind, Seven pulled back a moment to explain precisely how Kathryn was helping her, how she was meeting the younger woman's physiological needs.  "I want you to understand.  I will not need to ingest anything more tonight after I am done drinking your milk. The nutrients you are supplying me will be enough to sustain me for a day. You are feeding me, Kathryn." With that pronouncement, Seven dipped her head down again and resumed sucking Kathryn's nipple.

The explanation had the effect Seven intended. Kathryn was overcome with a sense of the import of what she was doing. She felt, at that moment, the most profound affection for Seven, wanting nothing more than to continue suckling her, sustaining her.  And she allowed that if her delight in this simple female gesture was so great under these less extreme conditions, than how much more must Seven have felt knowing that her own gesture had kept Kathryn from starving, had kept her alive.

"Oh," Kathryn cried, wrapping her arms even more tightly around Seven.  She understood finally what Seven had felt.  And understanding that, she realized that in accepting Seven's solution, she had accepted Seven's love.  And that was not a personal failing.  That could never be considered a failing.  She had been strong and right in accepting Seven's love and would always be so.  At that moment, Kathryn felt all the worry and shame beginning to pour out of her body as if carried away by the milk flowing from her bosom into her lover's mouth, where Seven's own body would no doubt extract the nutrients and discard the worry and shame as useless and irrelevant waste.

And Seven was her lover. She understood that now. Understood the force of what they had shared together, for each other. The sacrifices that were not sacrifices because they were borne in love.

Seven pulled away sensing Kathryn's epiphany. When their eyes met, they were both crying, their emotions too great to contain any longer. Kathryn gently wiped away a dribble of milk that had leaked out the left side of Seven's mouth. Then she bent down, and kissed Seven, profoundly sensing, beyond all rational thought, that for the rest of her life, Seven would be the only real sustenance she would ever need.

** The End **