Letters to Aeanor

Walking by Faith

Dearest Aeanor,

Today Kathryn and I were in sickbay. In the last two years she and I have learned to steel ourselves for the inevitable. For two years the Doctor and B’Ellana informed us that despite their best efforts, another embryo had not survived the implantation. For two years we tried every permutation, we made every variable accurate and precise, we measured and overcame every risk… And still the fused ovum was either consumed by my nanoprobes or rejected by Kathryn’s immune system.

But today was different. Today the Doctor stated that you would, at last, be born and that I would carry you. However, the nanoprobes in my blood stream would ensure that a part of you will be Borg. Without the nanoprobes, I cannot nourish you through gestation… but with them your life will be tainted as mine has always been.

I never anticipated that I could feel such joy and such horror at the same time. I wept and raged for love of you, nearly breaking B’Ellana’s ribs as I told her she must find a way for Kathryn to carry you, for Kathryn’s perfect body to give life to yours.

Even now, even as I write this, I am filled with fury. I despair at the toll that this world, this entire galaxy, will exact from the two people I love the most. I know what lies ahead for you, and I know that I cannot change the attitude and behavior of each individual in the universe. I am angry and ashamed that I must give you pain by giving you life. I am so tired of giving Kathryn sorrow and worry when I only ever mean to give her love.

I can never change what the Borg have done to me or to you, I cannot protect you from the cruel things that you will hear others say or the way they will behave towards you. The only thing I can do, the only thing I could ever do, is change myself.

I will become a stronger person for you, for Kathryn and for myself. I will make sure that I develop the ability to be the mother that you require and deserve.

And Kathryn will help me. Her gaze…. Her quiet embrace has always been a balm to my soul, as I know they will be to yours. She would always look at me in such a trusting way, as if to say that I could be anything and do anything I wanted, as if my dreams were all in my grasp. She did not make me who I am, but she did give me a love that enabled me to make myself come true.

This is the love that Kathryn and I will share with you, the love that will fill your life, and the love that will outweigh the pain that the universe may cause you.

These are bold words to make when you are, as yet, unborn. But your mother has always inspired bold language and a courageous stand against anything that will threaten the love I have built with her.

Little Aeanor, I can see our forever so clearly. I can see you and Kathryn and our life together. That vibrant vision is with me at every breath. It is worth fighting for, worth compromising for, worth risking for. I believe that there are times in our life that we must commit to a dream that seems improbable, even if the very prospect of risking so much paralyzes us to the very core. You are my dream, Aeanor, you are my Omega… and you must never doubt that.

There are many beautiful things deep inside you that others will never care to listen to. They will never have the time or the interest to understand. But remember that your true worth is not in what you have, but in who you are, and most importantly, in what others have become because of you. No one can love the people in your life the way you can.

After all this time, I have come to the realization that I have contributed more to Voyager’s journey to the Alpha quadrant by being compassionate and gentle to others and understanding of my friends. Kathryn tells me that I play an important part in the lives of our extended family, and tells me that Icheb, Naomi and Miral have become similar to me in many ways. “Efficiently and thoroughly barging into everyone’s hearts without so much as a knock” are the words Kathryn used. And though your mother’s complimentary statements are often picturesque hyperboles, the spirit behind her words is accurate.

If there is one thing I have learned from my existence on Voyager, it is that we walk by faith and not by sight. You have to believe that you will achieve your goals and never listen to the tiny-hearted or the close-minded. Even if your efforts seem infinitesimal and futile, it is the struggle and the journey that is relevant. I hope that through your journey you will become fully yourself, the individual I hope to enable you to become.

One who thinks things through and gets things done, quick to admit mistakes and even quicker to correct them; one whose eyes are open enough to see reality clearly, and one whose stomach is strong enough to take it, but whose heart is knowing and whose head is loving, so that one marvels at beauty but remains sensitive to ugliness; high-minded enough to insist upon making one’s own decision, yet humble enough to seek and listen to advice.

One who savors life but is not intoxicated by success or poisoned by misfortune; who loves to laugh but is not ashamed to cry; who knows one’s limitations but refuses to accept them as insurmountable, who neither suppresses the truth from fear nor distorts it for expedience, always in possession of one’s self yet always open to others.

An individual who, in short, is everything I cherish and honor in Kathryn. Because the most courageous and admirable of all individuals are those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding go out to meet it.

The three of us will walk together, perhaps not always in step, but forever by your side… though a time will come when you will perhaps prefer that you walked alone.

If someday you come to hate the part of you that is Borg, I only ask that you never turn that anger against yourself and forgive me for my part in it. I loved you too much to change the smallest sequence in your DNA. I love you for everything you are. There is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less.

Have faith in that love and in yourself. For in you I see perfection…

Forever,
Mama