Between the lines

The official logs never really tell the whole story.  Even personal logs are really not private, subject to review and official comment under the right conditions. 

Hell, Kathyrn Janeway of the Intrepid Starship Voyager thought to herself, didn't she participate in reviewing all of Captain James Kirk's personal logs?  What did she think at the time when they were required reading at the academy?  That they belonged to history?  The justification rang hollow in her ears now and she knew the type of things that were no longer put in personal logs and why. 

She again recalled her fascination in reading the other Captain's logs and was amazed at the relationship he had with his first officer.  She chuckled to herself  at how those two were able to keep the entire universe at bay and someone maintain their privacy while always being in the spotlight.

She thought back to her own omissions over the years in the Delta quadrant.  What had to be read between the lines of the official logs.  What was never put in her personal logs. 

Surely no one in the crew could be so naiive to think that she had remained completely uninvolved and unattached her entire time in the Delta quadrant? 

Somehow she knew most of her crew believed this expressly. 

Her attachment for her first officer Chakotay remained foremost in her mind as her greatest interpersonal mistake.  It seemed at the time like there wasn't even much of an option.  She was trapped on a planet with him and it appeared as though she would be held hostage by that planet for the rest of her life. 

He was helpful at the time in helping her to focus on something other than the fact that they had just lost all of their equipment and any hope of finding a cure to liberate them from the planet's clutches.

It as never the same between them after that.  He continued to pursue what she was unwilling to continue once there was any possiblity of another option and over the years the reptitive rejection bittered him and what once was a solid friendship became a feud, an ongoing power struggle. 

It was never downright mutiny, but is played out in subtle and some not so subtle countermanding of orders and questioning of her judgement and orders - even in front of the crew.

Eventually it became more direct emotional assaults. 

None of the prior conflicts could have prepared her for his most recent betrayal however. 

She thought back to several months ago when he asked her why.  It seemed a simple enough question on the surface, but her answer could reveal everything.  It was after she went after Seven twice more.  There was the Raven incident, then she faced off with the Borg queen herself to save the young woman, and of course there was the incident with the shuttle when Seven had overloaded her cortical node. 

It was after the last incident that he came to her and asked her why.

She wondered what possessed her to confide in him.  Was she that lonely?  That tormented?  She turned to one of her worst tormentors for relief from her own pain?  What did she expect him to say or to do?  Certainly not what he did.

So she told him. 

She told him how she fell in love with a newly severed borg drone.  She told him how she tried to distract herself, she told him of her anguish and her fear that Seven may never recipricate her feelings, hell she even told him about Michael.  Although she had to admit to herself that wasn't much of a secret after the whole bar brawl incident.

She was so wrapped up in her own pain, that she missed the mask of jealousy and anger that covered his face.  She would see it eventually.  But that night when she told him after a working dinner in her quarters, she let him hold her and comfort her as she cried on his shoulder for the love of another.

Thining back, she can see how it quickly got much worse between them after that night. 

And then suddenly, Seven no longer seemed to have time for her.  And she was acting unusual - preoccupied. 

That was when she discovered Seven's holodeck use.  And the reason for it. 

That was another topic that would never really be discussed in any log.  Of course, she supposed that someone might be able to read between the lines - but even that would be unlikely to tell the whole story.  The official log read something like - discussed with Seven of Nine unauthorized and excessive use of the holodeck which she reports was related to an experiment. 

Would anyone ever really know from the antiseptic version in the logs how her stomach twisted when she discovered who was the object of Seven's affections in those programs?

How it amazed her that Seven could even consider that kind of intimacy with someone who didn't understand her and who had always wanted to toss her out the nearest airlock at the first sign of trouble?

And of course, this began the first wave of lingering doubts regarding the role her first officer played in the selection of the object of her affection. 

She began to wonder if he was capable of using her own admission of love of the former borg to hurt her. 

He was the only one with the knowledge of how much in love she was with the young woman. 

Then there was that moment on the bridge when she could no longer doubt the depth of their involvment.  When she had to hear it in a format that could leave no question in her mind.

He couldn't quite meet her eyes. 

But she knew that even her famous command mask could not keep the shock and hurt from reaching her face.

And as she looked from one to the other and he continued avoiding her eyes, she didn't miss the pleased sadistic grin that consumed his face.

His obvious pleasure at having hurt her, betrayed her trust.  He was the only one who knew the true reason for the tears that welled in her eyes as earth was displayed on the viewscreen.

The irony was that Kathyrn herself was the one who gave him the knowledge he needed to hurt her in the most intimate way possible.

And Kathryn hoped that Seven would never know the reason behind his interest and the role she played as the unwitting pawn.