Bondings

Depression Inducing Ending

Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager sat in her ready room knowing that somehow she would have to explain things she could not possibly explain.  As she mused to herself, how most legends have their roots in fact, she contemplated the many things her trusted crew don’t know about her. 

As she thought back to the events of the last month, she walked to her replicator “Coffee black”.  She sighed in appreciation as she brought the mug of warm liquid to her lips and inhaled the comforting aroma, which never failed to soothe her.  Several minutes later, after finishing her coffee and walking back to the replicator, to recycle it, she squared her shoulders and tapped her combadge knowing that she had waited as long as she could.  Wanting reality to change never made it so, she thought to herself as she stated “Senior staff to the conference room”.

She knew that her senior staff would be surprised to be summoned to a meeting so close to the beginning of the Beta shift.  They would be anticipating a problem of some type, a random space anomaly or some intergalactic bad guy.  She didn’t have anything like that to offer them.

What Janeway didn’t know was how much her command mask had slipped in the last month, how much her crew truly had noticed of the change in her behavior and appearance.  There were the obvious things, of course, like her almost complete isolation from everyone, especially Seven of Nine, her Borg Astrometrics officer.  That wasn’t completely unanticipated however, as she had done something similar in the void.  Then there was an obvious change in her appearance, a significant weight loss on a frame that was already thin, and a hollow haunted quality to eyes that appeared to look through you.  No one had any idea of what may be troubling the Captain.  Chakotay had even approached her once in her ready room, but only received a harsh dismissal and assurance that she was fine for his efforts.

She thought back to how this all began, and as her mind wandered it seemed as though she was back there reliving it all again.

Nightmares that plagued her from early childhood had suddenly made sense.  She remembered waking from nightmares as far back as her memory would take her.  They were dark with only green light and a wet heavy air filled with unbearable heat.  When she was very young these dreams would scare her, and yet at the same time a figure would approach and its appearance although inhuman and grotesque to her young mind brought with it an overwhelming sense of calm and peace.  At the time when she would wake screaming, her mother would soothe her and stroke her damp hair from her forehead while telling her about the ancestors and the gift of sight she was given.  She remembered her mother telling her what this figure would become to her if she would follow the path that was being laid out for her by the ancestors.

And the young Kathryn Janeway didn’t believe a word of it.

Her mother would also talk of the risks involved in seeking out this someone and in not seeking them.  It seemed to the young Kathryn that either way she had a high likelihood of failure.  If she chose not to seek this soulmate that she was being guided to, then she would always live with something lesser.  If could even find this person, and she had no idea where to even begin looking, then she could open herself up to them only to be rejected in the most horrific of ways.

As she grew to adolescence, her visions and dreams continued to expand and she no longer discussed them with anyone.  She wanted desperately to not have the gift that her mother spoke so highly of.  She was sure that if she just ignored it long enough, that the implications of her visions would have no effect on her life.

Instead, the more she fought the path that was expected of her, the more disaster came to her and those she cared for.  She thought back to poor sweet Justin who had the misfortune of loving her.  It was her fault that he was in that test vehicle and if she had not involved him in a relationship that was never meant to be, he would still be alive today.  The more that disaster came to those she loved, the more she battled with her own guilt and depression.

Until four years ago.  She was forced to acknowledge that maybe what her mother told her all those years ago did have some merit.  It was a strange feeling to live your dreams or your nightmares.  She was mesmerized as a drone was activated to speak for the collective and as she laid eyes on the one who would become her wife for the first time.  She also understood instantly that the road ahead for this one would be long and that the only way she could release the Borg’s hold on the young woman would be by bonding her immediately.  She was astounded at the pull she felt to this complete stranger and yet she felt that the rest of her life before this was just slipping into perspective, was just the table setting for this moment that would mark the rest of her life.

Mentally shaking herself from her musings and returning to the present, Janeway stood outside the conference room, aware that her senior staff were assembled inside and took a deep breath while mentally preparing herself for possibly the most difficult thing she had ever faced.  Checking her command mask one last time, she quietly chuckled to herself and with a great sense of cosmic irony wondered why she bothered.

Janeway entered the conference room under full steam, making it appear that she had a mission, was expecting to make progress and had not been standing out in the hallway a few minutes before.  None of the three things could have been further from the truth.  As she took her seat, she looked around the table slowly acknowledging each of her senior officers, those who had become her trusted friends over these seven long years in the delta quadrant.  Questioning eyes met hers as she began at her right with Chakotay, her angry warrior, the concern evident as he gazed at her, Tuvok who looked as concerned as a Vulcan can look, Seven of Nine with a questioning eyebrow arched at her, B’Elanna who appeared slightly annoyed at the delay, Tom Paris and Harry Kim who both questioned her silently with a gaze, Neelix who fidgeted in his chair uncomfortable with the silence and the Doctor who kept opening his mouth as though to fill that silence, thinking better of it and then closing his mouth again.  Janeway smiled slightly thinking it made him look like a fish.  Slowly she allowed the smile to expand, encompassing all of her officers who had grown to become like family to her. 

She slowly took a deep breath and began “This is going to be hard for you all to understand and harder yet for you to accept.  I will try to explain what I can, but first I must ask you to promise me that what I am about to tell you will remain with those of us here in this room.”

Chakotay quickly jumped in “Captain if there is some threat to the ship.”

Janeway cut him off, “You misunderstand”

Chakotay’s gaze locked with his Captain’s as Janeway continued, “I did not ask you here as my crew and while what I am about to tell you, will impact the ship in that it will impact me, I asked you all here as my friends, my family, to stand with me and bear witness as my family.”

The room was quiet as everyone tried to understand what the Captain was saying.  Finally Seven of Nine voiced the question everyone else wanted to ask, “Explain”

Janeway continued, “There is an old Terran legend that perhaps some of you may be familiar with. It describes a group of Terrans who were, but were not, Terrans.  They had unusual abilities and were feared and hated by those Terrans who did not have their abilities.  As a group, they were thought to be evil and to read the old myths and literature, both the regular and these other Terrans persecuted each other for centuries.”

Her gaze was met with only blank looks.  Tuvok then arched an eyebrow and stated, “Captain, I believe you are referring to a long held theory regarding a group of wandering Terrans”

Janeway smiled slightly as she nodded her head and Tuvok continued, “There has been speculation for centuries that this group of nomads did exist.  They were thought to be extinct, having been hunted due to their unique telepathic abilities.”

Janeway smiled slightly, command mask still firmly in place.  “They were hunted, but they survived and they have now become known as traditionalists.  Mind you, not every traditionalist has these abilities, but traditional communities became a safe place for those people, my people, to survive.”

Tuvok questioned, “Captain, I have been in telepathic contact with you on multiple occasions.  I would have known if you possessed any telepathic ability.”

The Doctor jumped up and started scanning her, “Perhaps you should come to sickbay, Captain.”

Janeway sighed in frustration, knowing her crew was beginning to think that she was delusional.  In the meantime, the Doctor was becoming increasingly concerned at the readings his medical tricorder was displaying.

“Captain, you have lost 22 lbs since your last physical, your electrolytes are unbalanced, your hormone levels are triple the normal levels and I have no idea what is causing it” by the end of his litany, his voiced had raised to a squeak.  It was a hard thing for the Doctor to so openly acknowledge his own lack of knowledge.

“I know Doctor, now if you all will just let me finish, I will explain.”

“As I have said, traditionalists have unique telepathic abilities for humans.  Each person has unique talents, which are believed to be bestowed by the ancestors.  There are some common themes and like all societies there are some common rules.  As a child, we can see certain possibilities in our lives and certain outcomes.  This ability does not remove free choice, just better informs it.  We can see those possibilities in those that may become our spouses, including the possible outcomes such as children or an early death.  The particular vision is a gift from the ancestors.”

Janeway met Ensign Paris’s interested gaze, “No Mr. Paris, I can’t predict the outcome of your latest betting pool.”

They all laughed to ease away some of the tension of this bizarre information.

Janeway continued again after a few minutes, “There are rules, as I mentioned, rules that govern how we conduct ourselves with outsiders and they are the reason we remain unknown even today.  They are the rules that are shrouded in biological necessity and cannot be altered.”

B’Elanna wondered aloud, “This is beginning to sound like the Vulcan PonFarr” She silently wondered if someone was going to have to kick the Captain’s ass like she kicked Vortik’s ass to snap him out of it some years ago.

Janeway nodded slowly “In some ways yes.  It has to do with a telepathic bonding that is incomplete.  Once initiated, a mating bond between my people must be completed.  In tow of us, the drive to complete the bond would be overwhelming and once initiated, it is almost always quickly completed.  When an ordinary human or another species participates in the initiation of the bond, they do not feel this urge and sometimes do not choose to complete the bond.  Since there is no time limitation for the completion, they may eventually choose another.  If they choose another, instead of the completion of the bond, the bond dies” By her last sentence, Janeway’s voice was that of a hushed whisper.  Eyes shining, she looked down blinking rapidly while trying to hold her Captain’s mask in place.

Chakotay spoke first, “Kathryn, what does that mean?”

Janeway slowly raised her eyes to meet his.  “It means that years ago, I initiated a bonding with one of my crew, something I knew I shouldn’t do, but something that I also knew I had to do.  That bond was never completed and now it has been interrupted and must end.  I am sorry, but there is no other alternative.”

Chakotay looked at her, his face ashen as he wondered if during their time together on the planet, is it possible?  His mind frantically worked over every last detail of their time on New Earth, so sure that it had to be with him.  He always wanted Kathryn.  He eventually began to date Seven, in just the last month when it was clear that his Captain would continue to maintain her distance from him and when Seven offered herself to him so clearly.  He knew he didn’t have feelings for Seven, but she was a beautiful woman and sometimes it was dark enough to hide the vast majority of her implants.

The Doctor began scanning again, “ Captain, is this the cause of the imbalances in your system?”

Janeway stated, “Yes, Doctor and it is going to get much worse”

The Doctor, along with the rest of the senior staff wore a concerned expression, “How much worse?”

With a grim expression, Janeway looked around the table again.  “I have fought it as long as I’m able.  Neelix, you will organize a gathering of the crew in Cargo Bay 2 for tomorrow at 0800 hours for a change of command ceremony.  I expect all of you to attend.  This will be my last order as Captain of Voyager.  I will then ask you all to attend a private ceremony tomorrow morning at 1000 hours in my quarters.  We will be receiving a transmission at that time from the Alpha quadrant and I ask you to stand witness as my family at that ceremony.  I have downloaded some information on the ceremony into your personal databases. Janeway paused for a minute before continuing, “There is one exception, Seven must be sedated for the next 72 hours.”

As the Captain’s words began to slowly sink in, there was a series of protests from around the table.

The crew quickly began working on the set of variables presented by their Captain, like they had done on so many different problems.  In a sense, she was very proud of their professionalism and persistence.  She knew however, that there was no other possible outcome.  She knew that she had to face her death in the next 72 hours.

Seven stood listening to the rest of her Voyager Collective, uncomprehending the words of her beautiful red-haired Captain.  There was certainly nothing efficient about her current thoughts or most thoughts she had recently about her Captain and yet she could come to no other conclusion for why she had to be sedated for the next 72 hours.  Somehow, she was partially bonded to her Captain and her recent relationship with Chakotay had interrupted the bond, condemning her Captain to certain death.  Her face paled and she started trembling in a very unborglike way, as guilt washed over her in waves, followed by sorrow and loss.  She had told no one of her feelings for her Captain, told no one how she had turned to a hologram of Chakotay and finally to the real thing in an effort to distract herself from a pull to the Captain that she felt she couldn’t control.  A pull that scared her in its intensity.  She thought to herself now, that maybe she wasn’t supposed to control it.

Seven stared at her Captain, while her Captain’s gaze slowly met hers.  When finally two sets of blue eyes locked, Seven asked in barely a whisper, “Why do I have to be sedated?”

A hush descended in the conference room as the eyes of the senior staff swung first from Seven to Janeway and the silence was complete as the group appeared to hold its collective breath while awaiting her response.

Janeway replied, “We are still partially bonded and I will not be able to maintain my mental shields much longer.  It will be too painful for you to endure.  It is my responsibility and my failure and mine alone.  I knew the risks involved.” 

Attempting to hide once again behind the shield of command, Janeway knew she needed to leave her officers, “You have your orders, Dismissed”

Bondings – Part Two

Janeway was met with shocked looks at the abrupt dismissal, but only Seven knew the great difficulty the diminutive Captain was having maintaining her composure.  Suddenly, it all made sense to Seven.  She searched her eidetic memory recalling a scene from 4 years ago in perfect clarity as she realized that she had never been alone and that Janeway had always been with her every step of the way.

 Four years ago

They were in the brig shortly after Seven was separated from the Borg hive mind.  Seven had lashed out at Janeway, threatened her, and Janeway held her as she sobbed.  Janeway had ordered security out of the room, and had them maintain watch with only a visual link.  Seven wondered why the Captain would take such a risk.

It was then that Janeway explained that she would offer herself to Seven as her guide; Seven recalled the words that at that time so long ago, rang with a different meaning.  Why had she never investigated them further?  Find some reference?

Janeway held her hand and unflinchingly met her gaze when she had still been mostly Borg and told her, “I offer myself to you that together we may find our way.  I offer you this bond that you may never be alone.  I ask that you will accept this offer for a time, and that if in time you no longer wish it to be, I will embrace what I must for you to leave it behind.”

Seven remembered indicating her assent to those words.  She remembered the smile that lit up Janeway’s face and then she remembered suddenly feeling less confused and lost, suddenly able to make sense of sensory information her Borg systems couldn’t process, and suddenly feeling connected to Janeway and no longer so alone.

Seven had thought that Janeway had meant that she would return her to the Borg if after a time, she still wanted it.  She had even asked her about it.  Now, her eidetic memory replayed the words, she saw the soft look in Janeway’s eyes and heard the ritualistic reverence of her speech.  She understood the draw to this woman she always felt and finally she understood why Janeway had bonded her.  Without this bond, she wouldn’t have been able to regain any part of her humanity, even with it, she struggled to understand, to adapt.

Seven started slightly as she realized that the rest of the Senior staff had long filed out of the conference room and Janeway had gone over to the window by the viewport and gazed out, seemingly absorbed in her own thoughts.

“Captain, I did not understand.”

“I know Seven.  Report to sickbay”

“No, we have to find a way.”

Janeway’s heart leapt in her chest considering Seven’s words.  Find a way, find a way…..  does that mean she would choose me now, Janeway mulled to herself. 

Janeway once composed, slowly turned and met her eyes as Seven began to work up an argument.  The look in Janeway’s eyes stopped even Seven this time as Seven unknowingly released a gasp as Janeway slowly and sadly shook her head. 

Seven knew that she had to face the possible rejection that had kept her silent for so long.  Her heart lifted as she acknowledged what she had always wanted and how it was wrapped up in one compact redhead package. 

“Captain, you don’t understand.  I don’t want to interrupt this bond.  I have always relied on it without understanding it.  I don’t want Chakotay, I want you.”

Surprised, yet troubled, gray-blue eyes met summer blue ones.  “No Seven, it is you who doesn’t understand, and I am so sorry, this is all my fault.   I wanted to give you time.  I didn’t want to rush you.  I was afraid and now it has cost me everything.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at the irony that you would’ve picked me if you knew you had a choice.  You don’t understand that you can’t undo your choice.  Once interrupted, the bond cannot be repaired.  You made your choice after that staff meeting a month ago when you first kissed Chakotay.”

There were no secrets left between them.  Two sets of shiny eyes continued to lock until Janeway suddenly turned away and quickly left the conference room.  She headed to her quarters, until tomorrow, her final day in command of Voyager. 

Janeway raced back to her quarters barely retaining her command mask in place as the overwhelming irony of the magnitude of her loss swept over her.  She stripped off her command tunic and her shirt, leaving on only her tank top.  It was growing harder to fight the effects of the broken bond.  Her internal thermostat was running quite hot and she felt as though she was standing in a tropical sun, as glistening sweat popped up all over her body.  She was still attuned to Seven’s thoughts and emotions and she was having more and more difficulty blocking her as her mental barrier slowly eroded over the next several hours.  Thankfully, Seven hadn’t touched her because she would have had no defense against the mental and emotional onslaught that would have accompanied any physical touch of Seven’s.

Janeway walked over to the replicator and thought to order a whiskey instead opting for a full bottle and a glass filled with ice.  She hoped to herself that she would remain uninterrupted tonight.  She knew it was a wish that was too good to come true.

The chime to her quarters sounded and she sighed in frustration, holding the glass to her head as she called out “Come” and bent over from her sitting position on the couch to take off her boots.  As she looked up, she froze at the sight that met her eyes.

Seven of Nine, her Seven of Nine stood before her radiating a sense of vulnerability that Janeway hadn’t witnessed in three years, since those first vows in the brig.  Seven’s hair had fallen partially out of the severe bun that normally held it.  Her eyes were red rimmed and tears flowed silently down her face.  Janeway felt the mental barriers between them slip further than they had in quite some time as Seven’s eyes met hers. 

“That is why I have felt so alone recently, why I felt you no longer had interest or time for me, because you created that distance.”

Seven’s voice wasn’t accusing, she was stating fact.  Janeway nodded unable to keep herself apart from Seven in the face of the young woman’s need.  She released some of the mental barrier holding closed the bond and her eyes fluttered shut as waves of pain, loss, and guilt washed over her from Seven.  When she opened her eyes, it was with the acknowledgement that she could also feel Seven’s love for her and she knew that Seven could feel hers as well.

In a husky whisper Seven said, “It is like the hive mind, we have no secrets.”

Janeway knew that she couldn’t rebuild those barriers even if she wanted to do so and Seven knew that there really was no way to stop what would happen to her Captain, what she had caused.

They both thought together, “But we have tonight.”

As one mind, one soul, they moved together to become one body, unsure where one started and the other left off.  Every question answered before it could be voiced, every answer absolute truth because there could be no other option.  They both knew that whatever they started today would end when tomorrow came for them, but there was no other option than to take this night as everything they would ever have.

Bondings Part Three

Janeway didn’t think to hold herself back from what Seven offered.  She was beyond caring about the impact on her crew.  There was only one concern that formed in her mind as a single word, “Chakotay?”

Seven’s response flashed into Janeway’s awareness, her feelings for her Captain, her pain at their distance and separation, her honest affection, but lack of passion for Chakotay, and her lack of interest and response to him over the last month. 

Janeway smiled to herself as the knowledge that he hadn’t been more intimate with Seven than the initial kisses that interrupted the bond over a month ago came to her.  Janeway thought to herself, “Mine” and it was answered in her mind “Yes, yours, always, I love you Kathryn.”

“I love you Seven” she thought back as she raised a trembling hand towards Seven’s chin and slid her hand behind her neck to pull Seven down onto her waiting lips.  There was no resistance as Seven’s full lips met Janeway’s for the very first time, each of them feeling the wonder and arousal of the other through the bond as they began to taste each other with slowly increasing passion.  Janeway slowly licked across Seven’s upper lip as Seven’s breath caught and she opened her mouth understanding Janeway’s unspoken request.  Their tongues met, with Janeway briefly amazed at the smooth feel of kissing a stubble free woman, the first such kiss she had ever shared.  Seven moaned into her mouth, as she realized why all this romantic behavior really wasn’t at all irrelevant.

Janeway, who had been holding onto some semblance of self-control prior to this exchange, could barely think straight, other than to silently question Seven, “Are you sure?” and Seven thought back to her “Oh, Yes” and with that response Janeway began taking the skin tight biometrics suit slowly off of Seven, peeling it from her upper body as she began to lick and suck on every millimeter of flesh as she slowly exposed it.  As she worked her way down to Seven’s breasts, she watched them bounce free and gazed down at Seven as she moaned and writhed beneath her, arching up into her touch.  Janeway was overwhelmed at how much she wanted to make love to this beautiful woman beneath her.  How much she wanted to shatter that Borg veneer of self-control and make her scream.  Janeway pushed Seven back on the couch as she worked the biometrics suit over her hips and off her feet and then threw it on the floor.  Seven had somehow gotten rid of Janeway’s shirt and as her hands roamed and  Janeway’s bra and pants quickly followed.

As Janeway slid her naked body onto Seven’s for the first time, she thought to herself how nothing else in the universe could ever match this perfection.  Or perhaps that was Seven’s thought.  It didn’t seem to make any difference who initially thought it as they both agreed.  Seven moaned as their legs entangled, and she could feel the heat of their slick connection on each other’s thighs.

Janeway kissed her way down Seven’s abdomen, pausing to nip and suck on anything that seemed to elicit Seven’s pleasure.  Through the bond she felt the waves of Seven’s arousal washing over her, just as she knew that Seven could feel her own pleasure.  As she approached Seven’s intimate flesh, she felt Seven arching towards her mouth, with her breath tickling over the sensitive skin and could hear Seven’s silent plea and knew what it was that she desired.  Just as she began to bring her face down towards her goal, she heard her door chime for the second time that evening and knowing that a worried crew, a compromised position and an unanswered door chime could only spell disaster, she jumped up to pull on a robe and answer the door.

Bracing herself with both the physical shroud of her robe and the mental shroud of reinforced barriers, she swiftly moved to the door while calling out, “Come.”

As she did, she hoped to herself that it wasn’t Chakotay.

Part Four

Sure enough, as her luck would have it, as the door slid open with a metallic thud she was greeted by the site of her first officer.  It was all she could do not to roll her eyes and groan out loud when she saw his bulking form.  As her eyes swung to meet Seven's she was struck by how she almost missed the flashing anger in Seven's eyes that was directed at Chakotay. 

Meeting his gaze squarely, Seven demanded "Why are you here Chakotay?"

This entire interruption gave Captain Janeway enough time for her duty conscious mind to rise once again to the surface and put into perspective her actions of just a few minutes ago.  Knowing that the inevitable scene between these two was nothing that she wanted to be present for, or even that she should be present for, she decided to take control of the situation and promptly hustled both of them out of her quarters.  "It sounds like you both have some things to discuss privately.” 

She couldn't help but notice the hurt look directed her way by Seven as the door slid shut separating them.

She also refocused on Seven’s needs not just tonight, but in the future and she had to admit to herself that the emotional consequences to Seven would be even more severe if they spent tonight together.

And with that as the ending to a roller coaster of an evening she prayed for the strength to do what was required of her tomorrow.

Part Five

The next morning although she knew she looked exhausted, she made sure she was polished to her Starfleet best and looking every inch the Captain.  The transfer of command ceremony in the cargo bay, when it came was anticlimactic and surreal with everyone seeming to expect some miracle solution in the last minutes before an irreversible disaster occurred.  This miracle solution never came and command was transferred to Chakotay with a few expected words regarding the bravery and loyalty of the crew, the honor it was to serve with them and the rest of a speech that the good Captain had used on at least one other occasion and pulled out and dusted off for use once again. 

She felt Seven's eyes on her the entire time, but could not meet them because she knew what had to be done as much as she regretted it and knew that the young woman would never forgive her.  A part of her was happy that she wouldn't have to live with and face Seven's anger.

As the ceremony concluded she braced herself to hide her true intentions and went to Seven requesting that Seven join her in her quarters.  At her suggestion, Seven's eyes lit up with hope, and something else that she didn't even want to allow herself to analyze. 

They made the trek from the cargo bay to her quarters on deck three without conversation and barely looking at each other, although she could see Seven stealing glances at her from the corner of her eye.  She struggled trying to suppress a nervous giggle of cosmic irony.  Her timing was just so awful, and she silently berated herself for not taking the risks that she should of, for holding back in fear. 

As the door once again slid shut behind them as they entered the Captain's quarters, Kathryn knew she had to be strong and quick and slid toward Seven.  Her left hand came up to bring Seven's head down towards hers and as their lips met for the last time, Seven didn't see the hypospray in her right hand until she heard the hiss of the sedative going into her system.

Kathryn knew Seven had to be sedated for this. 

She quickly punched in a series of commands on her workstation that would bring the Doctor to Seven's aid in her quarters as soon as her series of transports was completed.  With that, she leaned down and stroked the hair off of Seven's face, told her she loved her, and activated her combadge initiating a series of transports, the last of which left her in the vacuum of space.