REGRETS


"Kathryn," he said. More like screamed.

"Chakotay, what are you saying?" I asked him.

"That was the last thing she said.... As she died. She called your name! Why!?" Chakotay was tearfully furious.

"I don't know, Chakotay. I don't know." Trying to hold myself together. Not knowing that I would soon find out.

After the Doctor had sedated him, I left Chakotay in sickbay, and returning to my quarters, where I had lived alone for the past ten years, I found a message waiting for me.

And by the end of it, I understood why...

~~~~~

Captain ...

Kathryn -- I'm sorry.

Sorry that you have had to receive this, because that means that I am dead. Because if I was not dead, you would not have been sent this message. I regret that there was not more time, and that I will not
be there for you, that I was not able to see the look on your face as you saw your home again for the first time.

I regret the most that I was not able to be human enough for you. Things would be different now, and I would not have recorded this last message to you on the night before my wedding to Chakotay.

When was it that I finally realized that it could never be?

I had loved you for a long time, but had been unable to either recognize it, or express it. And then, you started to pull away from me, particularly after the failure of my cortical node. I told you that I did not believe you would accept my loss. Perhaps that is why.
We no longer shared our off-duty time together as much. The Velocity games became fewer, we didn't have meals together, and eventually, even our philosophical discussions on humanity ceased.

I suppose it was that last evening I came to visit you in your quarters that I realized it. Realized We hadn't had one of our discussions in over a year. I saw the surprise on your face, when you saw me in your doorway. I had come to ask your advice. "Chakotay has asked me to marry him." You smiled, and gave me your  congratulations. My captain, my friend. The woman I loved.

So thank you Kathryn. For taking me from the Borg, for teaching me about life and humanity. I regret that I wasn't a better student.

Annika

~~~~

Oh Seven, Annika... It wasn't you... It was me, I couldn't let myself be human enough to let you in, to let you love me. To let myself love
you.


{finis}