REGRETS
"Kathryn," he said. More like screamed.
"Chakotay, what are you saying?" I asked him.
"That was the last thing she said.... As she died. She called your name! Why!?"
Chakotay was tearfully furious.
"I don't know, Chakotay. I don't know." Trying to hold myself together. Not
knowing that I would soon find out.
After the Doctor had sedated him, I left Chakotay in sickbay, and returning to
my quarters, where I had lived alone for the past ten years, I found a message
waiting for me.
And by the end of it, I understood why...
~~~~~
Captain ...
Kathryn -- I'm sorry.
Sorry that you have had to receive this, because that means that I am dead.
Because if I was not dead, you would not have been sent this message. I regret
that there was not more time, and that I will not
be there for you, that I was not able to see the look on your face as you saw
your home again for the first time.
I regret the most that I was not able to be human enough for you. Things would
be different now, and I would not have recorded this last message to you on the
night before my wedding to Chakotay.
When was it that I finally realized that it could never be?
I had loved you for a long time, but had been unable to either recognize it, or
express it. And then, you started to pull away from me, particularly after the
failure of my cortical node. I told you that I did not believe you would accept
my loss. Perhaps that is why.
We no longer shared our off-duty time together as much. The Velocity games
became fewer, we didn't have meals together, and eventually, even our
philosophical discussions on humanity ceased.
I suppose it was that last evening I came to visit you in your quarters that I
realized it. Realized We hadn't had one of our discussions in over a year. I saw
the surprise on your face, when you saw me in your doorway. I had come to ask
your advice. "Chakotay has asked me to marry him." You smiled, and gave me your
congratulations. My captain, my friend. The woman I loved.
So thank you Kathryn. For taking me from the Borg, for teaching me about life
and humanity. I regret that I wasn't a better student.
Annika
~~~~
Oh Seven, Annika... It wasn't you... It was me, I couldn't let myself be human
enough to let you in, to let you love me. To let myself love
you.
{finis}